12 year olds - does anyone else feel this?

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

I don't know whether anyone saw this article on Saturday? Mine's a dd not a ds, but despite the slightly mawkish tone of the article (which I generally dislike in the 'a letter to' column), it really struck a chord.

I don't think I found dd1 so difficult, but am finding dd2 so arsey and stroppy and just generally feeling as though.... she doesn't really love me any more. I'm glum and (hate this excuse, but it's true) a tad hormonal today, and I'd love to hear from other parents of 11/12 year olds. I know she'll be arsey when she gets in from school, so I don't hurry to be home first. I know she won't really be grateful for anything I do, but I just pathetically keep on. When I suggest things, she never seems that keen. When I ask her to do stuff, she huffs all over the place. She's cutting and unsympathetic and generally gives the air of despising me - and it is me, it's not dp and not really her sister who get this.

She's doing amazingly at school - clocking up the merits, lots of good feedback, happy in friendship groups which she's broadened since starting year 7. I just don't think she likes me much, and to be honest, some days I struggle to like her.

[Dancergirl]

Out of interest, do you all think that not liking your parents and saying I hate you and all that stuff is inevitable at this age? We haven't had much of that yet but I'm getting glimpses of what's to come. Dd is angry with me for not letting her do something. I know it's all normal but how do you cope with I hate yous?

[sandyballs]

Dancergirl - that 'awkward' thing drives me insane! DD has also started a new phrase "I actually find that rather offensive", she must say it about 50 times a day .

[timetosmile]

I am coming to join in with you lot!!

DS1 is 12.5, and can be veeery hard work sometimes, in the snarly eye-rolling "You can't tell me what to do any more, Mum" kind of way.

But at other times he's chatty, funny, thoughtful, still snuggly

I think DH and I and also DS have that sense that we are feeling our way into a new phase of our relationship.

What I think I struggle with most is the self-control to 'let him fail' i.e.if he dawdles his way through the morning he will be late for school, if he doesn't get his homework done he will get detention etc.

What are your non-negotiables in terms of ThingsThatNeedToGetDone?
Mine are school bags packed the night before, laundry into bin, clean clothes off bed and into wardrobe, brush your teeth twice a day, do ad-hoc chores when requested.

It just feels like our relationship is diminishing to a constatnt bickering about stuff...

But I love the solidarity on here!

[merlin]

Bubby64 - you have just described my DS1 perfectly. I do worry that the communication is going completely downhill

[Panadbois]

Can i join? DD, 12, says she hates me cos I'm too strict. I'm refusing to let her pierce her belly button and its soooo not fair.

I'm sitting on my bed hiding now cos she bullies me. She's not very nice at the moment

[IreneR]

This thread is just what I needed this morning, as I sniffle into my cup of coffee. Really sad part is, my DS isn't even 11 yet.

[bubby64]

I have 2 of thes hormonal, angst wrapped, 12yr old boys, and this letter really struck a cord with me. Both of them have changed significantly since starting High School, but dts2 is a particular worrying. Dh and I don't seem to be able to communicate at all with him for 70% of the time, and the other 30% seems to be made up of him either raging at us, or us attempting to make him see reason yes, he is 12, reasoning with him is a lost cause, but we keep trying!

[cjel]

its about growing up!!! probably having troublemat school cos theywill be taking it in turns to be hormonal!! try not to 'bite' every time and enjoy the coherent moments!!

[Dancergirl]

I have a nearly 12 year old dd and I suspect we are on the cusp do this too. I don't know her these days, she's developed a real sarcastic/cynical side and at the moment, EVERYTHING is 'awkward'. What's that about FFS?

[madamehooch]

Reading this thread has made me feel so much better.

My 13 year old DD changed overnight from a stroppy, huffy pre-teen who's stock answer to everything was "in a minute" or "I'm just about to do it" to a girl who would look me in the eye with real defiance and say "no!" It was literally a Kevin the teenager moment. She's glued to the phone, has discovered orange make up and hair extensions and is embarrassed by everything I do.

I think part of it is that they don't know who they are at the moment. Part of them want to be grown up and part of them would still like to be your baby.

All I can do is just take each day as it comes. I ask her if she's had a good day and if she's got any homework and then leave it at that. She then can't claim that I'm hassling her or that I'm not interested in what she does. I accept the fact that she wants to spend time with her friends and now offer to include them on some family outings.

Some days this works, other days I'm still the worst mother in the world.

I did show her on You Tube the moment when Kevin turns into a teenager. Think that hit a bit close to home:)

Threads like this though are really supportive. The alternative is red wine.

[SomeBear]

BastardDog - I've started taking contributions for replacement items out of her allowance after I added up what I'd spend on buying things twice and got incandescent annoyed. It hasn't worked yet, but she is having to suffer the indignity of a £4 mobile phone.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

DS1 is 12 and a half. Puberty kicked in with a vengeance about three months ago. He is all over the place, tearful, stroppy, sad....Eugh. I am no longer allowed to touch him :(

[ZZZenagain]

dd is 12.5 but I don't get this yet. What she does sometimes is march about and slam doors. Dh is getting the backlash, not me so far and it does get him down. She can be so unresponsive to everything he suggests and does for her. She used to run up to him and hug him whenever he came in, they did a lot together at the weekends, even went on holiday alone together and were very close. I feel so sorry for him but I don't know how to help, although I do try and intervene and speak to her about it. She doesn't seem to consider his feelings at all but she does mine. We are together a lot, she and I but dh works very long hours and is away on business frequently so sees her less.

Not sure how it will all pan out.

[BastardDog]

My 13 yo loses lots of stuff. I started giving him a weekly allowance a few months ago and told him anything he lost needed to be replaced out of his allowance. Suddenly, he is not losing so much stuff. Funny that.

[SomeBear]

Ahhhhh. I've got a 12 yr old DD and have been reading these posts with a smile on my face. Unfortunately I've got no friends nearby to compare what is "normal" but it is reassuring to hear that I'm not alone.

She is mostly lovely, to be fair, but huffs and sighs and prevaricates when asked to do anything but text or Skype. Anyone else got a DD who leaves a trail of chaos on her wake? So far this year she's lost a phone, three scarves (including one of mine), a pencil case, homework diary and contents, a couple of jumpers... and she just doesn't care!

[MoreBeta]

Two classic examples from DS1 this week.

Goes back to school on Monday, flat refuses to take PE kit and sports shoes even though he is taking his swimming kit and his huge cricket bag with cricket kit in and hence putting the PE kit will take 20 seconds and weighs nothing. I back off despite advising him to take the PE kit 'just in case he needs them for athletics' and I get the look and huffing despite my good advice. He comes home last night. 'Dad I had to do athletics in my cricket kit today'.

Then this morning at 7.40 am 'Dad can you bake me a cake and bring it into school at lunchtime as we have a cake rota and its my turn today'. I say no but offer to bake one tomorrow (for 24 people) as he is going to dentist today and offer to email his form teacher. Apparently that is not a good enough answer.

Gaaaaarggggggh!

[FernieB]

This thread could be written about my twin DD's (12). They are both (fortunately at different times) moody, sulky and cross with me. My Nan always used to say 'A mother's place is in the wrong' and I accept that now and automatically assume I'm going to be wrong and it'll be my fault. That way it's a pleasant surprise when I'm not

I should say they can both be wonderfully delightful and a lot of fun but only when they want to be.

[bigTillyMint]

Hoh yes, Mintyy, never argue that they haven't told you something. It's ALWAYS your fault for not listening/remembering

DD and my goddaughter (who lives 200miles away) are dancing to Beyonce. On skype

[Mintyy]

Oh I know I shouldn't but I am smiling at some of these.

My own darling 12 year old said something about her steel pan lessons at school today. I said "I didn't know you were learning steel pans how exciting!" (I do genuinely love and adore steel bands and she knows this) and she goes all eye rolly and "yes you do Mum, I told you ages ago, have you forgotten?"

So I asked dh if he knew (of course I knew he didn't because we'd have discussed it between ourselves) and he said no and she now blames both of us for independently forgetting that she was having steel pan lessons at school.

Does she think she's actually correct, or what? Anyway, I am letting it pass ...

[ArthurCucumber]

Christ, yes. I have 11 yr old dd2 puff puff puffing around the house tonight, all because she HAASS to pack her bag, and then she HAASS to have a shower, instead of sitting with her nose in her phone. Because tomorrow she HAASS to go - down a coalmine? Nope. On a school trip which she always enjoys, to a place she loved when we were there before, with all her friends and a big bag of sweets.

She can see the dark side in everything. That "generally resentful and dissatisfied person" phrase, OP - that's my dd2. (And yes, she also has an older sister about to start GCSEs.) She refuses to try anything, and then gets all bitter and twisted that she didn't get to do it. And makes pointed remarks about it for the whole rest of the day, so that whatever we were doing becomes all about dd2 and massaging her ego. Gah.

Only thing keeping me going is that dd1 acted like a complete arse at her age as well, and is now quite pleasant.

[Jellykat]

I can tell you it is a phase..i have a DS2 who is 15 now and i can see light at the end of the tunnel, yay!... However i had the advantage of knowing what to expect as had already had the enjoyable experience with DS1.

I would say there's bugger all you can do, so try not to waste time changing tactics as there isn't a right one, just ride the storm, and be patient as they definitely become nice again

[t875]

yeah walking on egg shells here too! Have to say though there have been some times where she has been too much and its tipped over the edge of the normal bit of banter and ended up losing her laptop so im hoping this is going to calm her down for now which it looks to have done.

If we say we are going out though all hell breaks loose that girl don't want to leave that room, she is turning into a mini hermit! Although i try and get her to get involved with family games, board or the wii, me and her go up the shops or the cinema if something good is on we have also been watching the great sewing B! And get her out to the park or down the beach, bowling from time to time too!

The hormones are a night mare though aren't they, its like they change complete person! haha! But then again she has some great times too like someone said i hang onto them

x

[ChloeR32]

Hi, well my 13yr old son has been/is a real challenge and sometimes frightening. it's only since posting here and reading threads like this that I realise how blooming difficult all this parenting stuff is. Its not like they sell it is it.
My son really doesn't like me at the moment and I have (lots) of moments when I really don't like him, but I'm beginning to wonder if we're feeding off each other and both thinking the same thing.
Its funny isn't it that all our DD and son's (I can't bring myself to write DS after the flaming row this afternoon) do so well at school and with other people and then morph into aliens when they get home. Who knew Harry Enfield was so wise?
Onwards and upwards I suppose.
Chin up and head into the wind...
and thank goodness I was encouraged to join this website!

[BastardDog]

My dd is 12. She is a hormonal mess and so am I as I am going through the menopause. We really do rub each other up the wrong way a lot of the time.

I find myself avoiding spending time with her as she swings between being moody, moany and downright nasty, followed by needy and clingy.

Last night was a needy night. During the course of the evening she decided she was verging on anorexia and had gone off food; was self harming because she purposefully hurt herself in science to get out of the lesson and has OCD because she keeps checking the bathroom door is locked when she's in there. it could be a long, next few years.

[Startail]

As for not liking you very much. You and, hopefully,her dad are safe to dislike as you will always love her.