Stress of getting 11 yr old daughter to shower

[lottie63]

I m fed up to the back teeth of having to hassle my 11 yr old DD to keep herself clean. It s a fight to make her shower, she knows she needs to moisturize her skin as she has bad eczema and scratches herself silly. Her bottom, thighs and backs if knees are begining to scar. She refuses to let me moisturize her. Her hair is greasy and she just needs to keep herself clean more. I m at a loss to know what to do. It always ends up in argument and I worry her skin is going to be permanently scarred if she doesnt start taking care of it better.

Any advice gratefully received.

[CambridgeBlue]

How odd, I have just been having this exact conversation with DD (10)! She's basically lazy and wants an extra 10 mins in bed in the morning but as she's growing up it does notice when she hasn't showered so there's no way round it. She's got lots of nice toiletries that she was given for Xmas, there's a warm towel waiting when she gets out and I've stressed how unpleasant grubby people can be to be around - not sure what else I can do apart from nag so I sympathise with everyone else who's in the same boat!

[Ghostsgowoooh]

I am so glad I'm not the only one with a dd that has an aversion to soap and water. I struggle to get dd1 in the bath, her hair is terrible and I've found she smells a bit especially when she's been dancing or has done pe.

I had her hair cut to shoulder length last month which has made things a bit better, she wasn't able to wash it properly as it was bum length and very thick, it's much better and had made bath time less of an ordeal as she doesn't have me in there washing her hair for her.

I still have to nag though. My ds who is 13 spends an hour in the bath everyday so I suppose they do grow out of it.

[feministefatale]

Ha just noticed how old this thread was, I clicked on the preeteen section and it was in the box that normally discussions of the day!

[feministefatale]

wash her hair over the sink if she is super greasy, or maybe a dry shampoo?

[feministefatale]

Showering does not improve eczema, it makes it worse. Tell her to do a sponge bathe of pits and bits

[Theas18]

We are just through this, mostly with 13yr old DD2. We resorted to " you smell go shower" I'm afraid!

And no TV/No WII or what ever till you're done (or even dinner will be on the table in 15 mins, that's just enough time for a shower so you smell sweet and lovely at the table!)

[Madmog]

My daughter is 11 and for her I think it's more a case of wanting to do something more interesting! At the moment I've settled for a bath/shower every other day and she gets told when she comes in she has to have a bath/shower that night. Now it's getting colder, I've noticed she will now do it straight away and then get cosy in her dressing gown. Inbetween I insist on a wash of hands, face, feet, underarms and between legs with a clean flannel and soap which seems to be working as the pressure if off every night of having to take too much time out. We're lucky in that she doesn't tend to perspire and doesn't smell (yet!).

[mathanxiety]

There is a good book called 'The Care and Keeping of You' by American Girl press. It explains puberty, periods, etc., and also goes into the 'care and keeping' bit, explaining the importance of being clean, developing healthy habits. I recommend it, (along with screeching ). It is a very positive book, helps girls embrace the changes they are going through and get on top of things.

[JugglingChaotically]

Have been through this with my 2 eldest DDs. One with skin that reacts to everything and one with better but still not great skin. Not easy.
I went for stick and carrot approach too.
Warm fluffy towels warm bathrooms and E45 bath oil bubbles while I chatted or with music. Equally the sorry, you must now shower, could fry an egg on type hair.
DD2 almost there. And DD1 - still only 13...... I can't get her out of the shower!!
This too will pass.
Good luck!

[sandyballs]

Interesting thread as I also have an 11 year old soap dodger with eczema. She is starting to smell and I've told her many times that she needs to bath every day and apply deodorant but she doesn't seem bothered. She puts deodorant on smelly armpits and wonders why it doesn't work!

[nooka]

My dd isn't too bad, but ds has always needed encouragement. He just doesn't see washing as a priority in life. We just tell them it's shower night, and make sure the chore for the child that's doesn't opt to shower first is something neither of them want to do. Plus no TV/X-box etc. ds feels ever so put upon, but the shower happens so we really couldn't care less.

I can understand a child with eczema being more reluctant because the hassle factor is so much higher. When I was in my early teens I was a bit of soap dodger and had my hair cut really short partly to avoid my mum having a go (greasiness much less obvious with very short hair!)

[mathanxiety]

I just did a lot of screeching when mine baulked at showering at age 10-11. I also picked people up and dragged them to the bathroom. They always refused my offer to help them take their clothes off..
Constant screeching really works.

I took them out shopping and allowed them to choose a deodorant for themselves. Also their own shampoo, conditioner, and soap.

It really helped that they all had a teacher who wasn't one bit shy of making remarks about BO to children in front of the whole class. She used to give them a talk at the start of the year where she outlined the hygiene standards she expected and the consequences for arriving in school smelly, greasy, with dirty fingernails, whiffy clothing and underwear, etc. Thank you Mrs L.

A lot of it is pure laziness at that age, and inability to resist the lure of the tv or the video game/inertia. I agree with Campari there -- forget about the nicey nicey approach. They have to get used to the habit for their own sakes and out of respect for everyone else.

With eczema, a strip wash can be irritating as it often involves a washcloth.

Cool to lukewarm water is often recommended for baths or showers.

[Kbear]

Sanex Zero is ok for my dd's eczema-y skin - I would buy her a selection of nice products (check for soap free) and deodorants, hair products etc and it might encourage her to shower more.

[clippityclop]

Well done, now praise her to the skies! Tell her she's gorgeous, deserves to feel good all the time, and to keep it up or her friends might call her stinky if she doesn't have a scrub every other day or whatever. At our school the headmistress used to give us lectures on the importance of 'being nice to be near' which put the fear of god into me, don't suppose they're allowed to do that these days.

[Campari]

You need to be more firm & let her know that bad personal hygiene is unacceptable, not only for her own dignity, but out of respect to other people who are sitting next to her and noticing the smell.

It all very well not wanting to hurt her feelings, but she is 11, she needs to get into the habit of washing herself. Tell her you expect her to bath or shower everyday or you take away pocket money, days out etc. Sounds harsh but she is being lazy & needs sorting out. I did the same with my own kids & they soon got into the habit.

[CointreauVersial]

DD1, who's 11, will only have a shower if she is frogmarched to the bathroom, and always forgets to wear deodorant. She often whiffs, but just shrugs when I point it out. So I'm glad to hear I'm not alone. But I vaguely remember being the same at that age, until peer pressure at boarding school took effect.

Contrast this with DS (12), who is constantly in the shower, and keeps Lynx in business with the amount he splashes over himself.

[dabdab]

Maybe some bath oils, rather than bubbles for those that are eczema prone. Pain to clean bath after, but moisturising rather than drying.

[dabdab]

Another tip: we have a 1x week swim so when she and her sister are showering afterwards I just hand them the shampoo and conditioner. They are already there and wet, so it isn't that much more effort to wash their hair!

[ShaynePunim]

Same here with 11y-o DD!

Nice toiletries DO help but it still is a struggle. I have decided not to make it an issue unless it becomes too bad (hair so greasy it hurts my eyes ot look at it for example).

As others have said I console myself with the thought she will get out of it one day.

Sad thing is my soap-dodger younger DS never looks or smells dirty to DD can't understand why I'm harassing her more than him over it!

[lottie63]

Well... Something s worked. DD got up at 6:30am to hv a shower this am. She even said she felt so much better after it!

[cece]

Since my talk yesterday morning about the whiff. DD has had a shower before bed and another this morning before getting dressed

[DeadTall]

And another soap dodger DD here too, with very dry skin and rough patches, and now a scalp condition too... She resists showers at all costs, but lots of compliments when her hair is nice and shiny and smells good seems to be improving things... We now also try to have set days for showers/baths so she knows when she's expected to wash! I can't remember the last time she washed her face in the mornings, her face cloth is permanently dry. Going to put Lush / Body Shop smellies on her Xmas list!

[lottie63]

She has stuff to put in bath tho I get a bit worried about her eczema. Is there anything that would help eczema but is bubblebathy?

[cynister]

I have a 15 yr old son who will stand in the shower, but not use soap. His hair always looks greasy, and his feet smell. My xhusband and I have had many conversations with him regarding personal care to no avail. I am not sure if this has anything to do with his Asbergers. I sympathise with you, OP.