My child cries every-time i pick her UP from pre-school..starting to feel mortified

[TwoBabas]

My 3 year old daughter cries every-time either I, or her dad collect her from pre-school (never been bothered at being dropped off). She will see us waiting for her outside and then freezes to the spot, often walking backwards and crying. The teacher will have to guide her towards us and coax her outside. This has been going on since she started four months ago so is not a phase like we had hoped. It is becoming utterly mortifying. She won't speak to us and reverts to pretending to be a baby when the teacher hands her over to us, only saying 'da' or grunting. She goes in two days per week.

She is a very bright and happy child and we are extremely close. She loves school which I am thankful for but oh my!.... this is getting very embarrassing and not to mention hurtful. I am starting to wonder if the school are worried about our relationship or if I am some kind of monster she is scared to go home with.

Today, we had her first ever nativity play. She was Mary. It was magnificent. She was a superstar, so confidant dancing and singing all the songs. Me and her Dad were both crying watching and were so very proud. At the end the teacher said the children could go and sit with their parents... all the other children ran excitedly to theirs. My heart sank to see my daughter running away from us. She was scooped up by the head and brought to us literally screaming and crying. Everyone seemed so surprised to see her going from so happy to so sad at seeing us. It was very uncomfortable for all of us.

I feel at the end of my tether with it now. I don't know how to react to it anymore. Anyone been through this? I don't want to draw more attention to it with her by asking too many questions as I feel the more we 'dwell' on it the more she acts up to it.

Also worth mentioning that she does the same when I come home from work when she is being looked after by grandparents. She cries or completely ignores me. My mum (grandma) always makes a bit hoo-ha about it saying 'go and speak to your mummy, it isn't nice to ignore mummy' etc even though I've asked her not to as I think it puts my daughter on the spot even more and makes it an even bigger issue. But to be honest i have no idea what the 'right' thing to do is with all this.

Has anyone had similar?

[Greedybilly]

I remember this when my eldest was in nursery (she's now 17 and v well adjusted!)All the other kids would go skipping up to parents/childminder and she'd run away! It was so embarrassing! I can only think she had a lovely time at nursery and didn't want it to end. Used to make me cringe at the time though.x

[Greedybilly]

Sorry I don't know what the right thing to do is. Just style it out and know she'll turn out fine in the end I guess.x

[CanaryCanary]

I wonder if it’s the transition from “school” to “home” and it’s just overwhelming for her? Sometimes little kids struggle with those kind of changes. Even if they’re really happy to see you, the feelings are overwhelming and they react with tears/avoiding the big feelings by running away.

If that rings true, maybe you could do some talking about emotions with her and how to handle/process big feelings? Eg our kids’ primary school talks a lot about the colour zones of regulation, spends time talking about things you can do when feeling excited/angry etc.

[LG93]

My DD was the same, she doesn't really like change and transitions and used to cry when we came to pick her up from nursery/my mum dropped her off. She also is now awaiting assessment for ADHD so in our case (not necessarily your daughter's!) There's an element of masking and emotional exhaustion when she sees the finish line!!

[QuietBear]

Aw, that's hard.

I think all you can do is remind yourself that it's not personal and she's not doing it to be horrible to you.

Maybe talk to her and agree on a greeting e.g. high-five, touch index fingers, wave or whatever.

She must be feeling overwhelmed in some way.

[TheCountIsPale]

It could be nothing, it could be neurodiversity, it could be anything really.

When I was a social worker we were taught by professor shemmings that walking backwards from caregiver is a known sign of disorganised attachment. Does she also sometimes sound as though she’s talking underwater or like a robot? You could do some research on disorganised attachment style and see if anything rings true.

For me personally I would be looking extremely closely at all her relationships, if there could be anything traumatic happening at all. From a purely attachment point of view her behaviour is not normal. I may even go as far as to get advice on this. Only you will know the ins and outs of your littlies life, though.

[MissHavershamReturns]

My dc used to do this and it was very upsetting. I think it was to do with being really brave on the transition in and feeling scared in child care but bottling those feelings up. Then when I collected dc it all came pouring out. Sending you an un MN hug as I know how hard it is. If it’s any comfort, by the start of Year R it had completely stoped.

[MissHavershamReturns]

My dc is also neurodiverse, able, has great friendships.

[Sprogonthetyne]

Both mine did this at times, eldest especially. We worked out it was linked to the transition and move from structured school/nursery time to more free flow at home. What helped is having a set activity to do each evening. Doesn't have to be anything special, ours are trampoline night, craft night, movie night, swimming & a stop at the playground on the way home etc.

Remind them about it on the way in "it's movie night tonight, I'll pick you up later, then you can choose the film & I'll make popcorn" then at the end of the day if they start to wobble, you remindthem again, to give them something to focus on "come on lovely, it's movie night"

[OneCup]

Mine did that. In retrospect I think the day at nursery was so intense that she 'let go' as soon as she felt safe with us. She grew out of it and never did it in primary school.

[Recoba]

How verbal is she? Are you able to talk to her about it in a calm non-judgemental way when she's not in such a dysregulated state?
"Hey, I've noticed that you're finding me picking you up from nursery really hard. Can you tell me how you feel?"

The reverting to a baby makes it sound like she wants the attention she had when she was a baby. The running away similarly - she's wondering if you'll chase after her, even if she's unhappy to see you. Have you tried playing into it/hamming it up? "Ahh! Where's my baby? I've missed you so so so so much!" Then swooping down on her and giving her loads of cuddles and kisses?

[PTSDBarbiegirl]

Could just be the age old toddler protest, they start to vent their annoyance at (anything) you because you have been away. All mine did it too.

[Jandob]

Mine was in a bad mood due to tiredness and hunger usually. Brough biscuits. You could try star chart for good behaviour.