To consider a termination?

[violetta1]

Hi, I'm new here. I've been searching for ages, trying to find a termination topic, but I don't believe there is one? This seems like general information, so I thought it would be a good place.

I really don't need people having a go at me, or calling me awful (which I have had in real life) so I've come online, but I really hope you can try an be understanding.

I had been with my partner for 5 years - we actually met at school; I thought it was true love and we would genuinely be together for ages, maybe even marry each other. There is this walkway near our town, which has a bad nickname, implying that people are beaten up there/murdered. It's just all talk really, due to it being an underground walkway... No one has ever been severely hurt. I was on a night out with my friends, just a casual meal. I decided to walk the way where the walkway is. I was attacked... By my boyfriend. I appreciate it's very confusing, but I don't need to go into details, as it defeats the point of this threat. However, I obviously have spoken to the police and it's an ongoing investigation.

These couple of months have been hell. I haven't been able to sleep/go to uni/go to work/talk to anyone - it's like I'm numb, I just can't speak. I'm absolutely lost. I feel sick, betrayed and everything else you can imagine.

I'm pregnant.

I'm only young. In my early 20s, just about to finish uni. A baby wasn't on my list of soon to happen things. It's not even the baby that's the problem, it's the fact that they are half him; half the man that did that to me. It wouldn't be fair for him/her to have me as their mum, as I won't be able to look at them as an individual, they will always be a cause of the worst thing that has ever happened to me. How is that fair? How is that fair for them to carry that on their shoulders?

I'm just lost for words. My mum hasn't been very supportive. My brother wants to keep out of it all. I have no one. I'm utterly lost...

[Blu]

Op are you still here?
Could you consider calling Rape Crisis? The fact that you had a relationship is not an issue, legally . But in any case, unwanted contact is an assault and it may help to get professional support with that.

[toastedandbuttered]

You really do not have to do anything to keep that baby alive. You don't owe it anything. Your first priority should be yourself

Yes you'll survive if you have it, but you don't have to do it

It is perfectly OK to want a child with the father around, with more financial security, in a few years

Even though I'm now at a place in my life where I may not have children (in my 30s, divorced), I still would never ever regret my termination. I cant imagine having had a child with some loser who didn't respect me. Yes single mums are doing a fantastic job but I absolutely did not want to be a young single mum with no money, no fun, no partner

It's perfectly OK to not want to do it

[LucyBabs]

It's always your choice and how you feel about it. I'm so sorry what happened to you
I've had an abortion and although tough at the time I knew I was making the right decision.

If you felt you could cope physically, emotionally and financially and had a good support network then no having a baby wouldn't be the "end of the world".

You need to speak with a professional and get to the bottom of all your feelings and then make a decision.

Good luck

[Sunnsoo]

It is 100% your choice, and only yours.

Personally, I would abort.

[LaBelleOtero]

Sadly, family courts can be brutal when it comes to this kind of thing. A father's 'right to his child' and the child's 'right to a relationship with their father' - that relationship is seen as separate to any abuse against the mother, which is terrible, although you would probably be entitled to legal aid if you have an assault complaint filed against him, so a court case wouldn't be a drain on your finances at least. But in weighing these things up you do have to consider that having his baby could potentially mean that he never truly leaves your life.

[BertieBotts]

Okay talking practically - £22k is a good wage for your age, for sure. But that is assuming that you can get a job, which can be hard when you're visibly pregnant. Depending on the job, it might work against you that you're having to leave exactly on time to do a nursery pick up, or that you can't easily travel or attend social functions. You are likely to be sleep deprived and stressed. All of these factors are going to reduce your potential income compared to if you are working and supporting only yourself.

Secondly your costs of living will go up. Full time childcare is about £10k a year (more in London). You'll need a one or two bedroomed house or flat to rent which you're looking at being 2-4 times the cost of a room in a shared house. You might need to run a car in order to facilitate nursery pick ups. You will spend more on electricity, gas and food with a baby or child (and these things cost much more as a single household as they would in a shared household.) Likewise you'll get 25% off council tax for being a single adult occupant but that's not much when you'd likely be sharing the bill 3, 4 or more ways in a house share.

It's not impossible and it's not doom and gloom but it will be hard financially if you decide to make a go of it now. Children are effectively a dead weight financially, which is fine, but it can be difficult to cope with especially if your friends are all zooming off doing fantastic things and you're feeling left behind.

There is no reason additionally why having a child now or not having a child now should stop you from having more in the future, so it's not like you're choosing one over the other. The events are not dependent on each other. I would try (if you can) not to think of this pregnancy as a child just yet, it is more of a potential one. Hormones can be funny things though.

Somebody said on one of these threads a while ago. If there was no such thing as abortion, no procedure, but you could wake up tomorrow and not be pregnant how would you feel? That might help you decide.

I have to go to bed now but hope you find somebody to talk to. Is there a service at your university? Often there is. That might be worth investigating. Marie Stopes is another name for a charity which helps with pregnancy counselling.

[AHellOfABird]

for you OP.

It is up to you what you do, you have a lot to cope with after reporting him to the police and the follow up to that.

Agree with Bertie that you have plenty of time ahead for kids if you decide to terminate now

[BertieBotts]

It is something to consider unfortunately. As an unmarried woman you would not need to put him on the birth certificate meaning he would not get parental responsibility at birth. However, if he wanted this he can easily apply to court to get it. And from then he could apply to court to get an order to force contact. It's typically very difficult to block contact unless the father has actually abused the child directly. The court's view is that children have the right to a relationship with both parents unless it is unsafe.

Of course, this would cost money and be hassle for him and he might well not bother. But some fathers do especially if it gives them leverage to control the mother. Even without court he might hassle you with direct contact regarding his child. It's likely you could get a restraining order but perhaps not for 18 years.

[violetta1]

I just think that I'll be upset that I've chosen to give one of my children a life, over the other - if that makes sense? In October, I'll be fully qualified and earning £22,000 a year, to start with. I think I'll have the finance there to support us, I think? I'll feel like I've taken its life. Which is silly, as I know it can't survive outside me, but I feel like I should do absolutely anything I can to keep my baby alive? I don't know, I'm very torn.

[BertieBotts]

I don't think it will make you emotionally unstable to look at a child but I have a child conceived in an abusive relationship and it is very strange and difficult sometimes that he looks like his father. And sometimes, he acts like his father. Because he's a child and his father was an immature adult. So that can be hard.

It's also enormously hard to raise a child alone and at a young age. I love my DS, of course. But if I could go back and redo things I would love to have the chance to start my child raising now, in my late 20s, when I'm stable, not right at the beginning of them when I wasn't. And I would not have chosen that father.

It's possible to regret both ways. Why do you think it might prevent you from having children? I don't think that needs to be the case. If you're thinking that you wouldn't deserve to try again, when you're older, don't! Of course you deserve to be happy and be the best mother that you can be. Part of that is having the freedom to choose when it happens. Your ex-boyfriend tried to take away that choice, but now it is in your hands and that is all that it is. The choice to have children now or later.

I always wanted children and I grabbed the first chance that I had. I wish I had known I'd have lots more time and other opportunities.

[violetta1]

Would he ever be allowed contact? I do worry about him ever going to prison for it - we had a sexual relationship, so I have no hope really.

That would be dreadful, if he was allowed contact. I never thought of that.

[BertieBotts]

I'm so sorry OP.

It would be okay for you to have an abortion. It's your body and your choice. I think that your feelings about him and the potential child are very mature and forward thinking and I reckon you've identified a serious issue here. Another thing to consider is if you have a child with this man then you are potentially tied to him for 18 years. If he wanted to he could push for contact etc as a way to continue exerting control over you. It's not a nice situation to be in.

You must consider your feelings on the matter very carefully but I think you already know, and are just looking for reassurance.

It will be okay.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

I'm sorry to hear about what he did to you & I hope you get help to process that 💐

However, how you came to be pregnant isn't relevant. The only relevant thing is that it's your body. If you don't want to be pregnant, that's your choice. No justification required.

This has to be your choice, talk to people here, talk to anyone you can find offering counselling, family, friends - it will all help you clarify how you feel.

At the end of the day you, & only you, have to live with your decision - either way. You don't need to worry about anyone else, only you.

💐Look after yourself.

[violetta1]

Thank you all so much x

I couldn't do adoption, if I was to give birth to this baby, I would never let it go. As much as I would always think back to the awful event, I'd have to just get by. I have an awful feeling that I may regret it, to the point it would prevent me from having any children in the future. In a weird way, I do love it, because I've always wanted children, always. However, what if I look at him/her and it makes me emotionally unstable? That's just worse. I really don't know what to do. I looked at that place, the closest one is 30 miles away!

[toastedandbuttered]

And personally I wouldn't do adoption

I feel a termination would be a million times easier

[toastedandbuttered]

YANBU op

I would probably have a termination in that situation

I had one 16 years ago when I was 17 and have never regretted it for a second. It painless and quick and absolutely the right thing to do

[Headofthehive55]

How about adoption?

[Devilishpyjamas]

You don't need to justify termination to anyone except yourself. I think my 20's I was very aware of how others may judge any decisions I made. It's taken me until nearly 50 to realise on the whole it's no-one else's business.

Do what is right for you & counselling may be a good idea whatever you decide- you have been through an awful lot.

[LaBelleOtero]

You could have the happiest life possible, and it would still be perfectly fine for you to get an abortion.

As someone said above, be kind to yourself. If you're not experiencing much kindness from your family right now, that's even more reason to be nice to yourself. If your favourite person in the world told you what you've told us, what would you advise her to do? I would advise her to terminate.

[ReadyPlayerOne]

I bypassed the GP and booked an appointment directly with BPAS, who were wonderful. My situation was very different to yours and I kept the pregnancy (unplanned third baby within a solid relationship), largely because I was much further along than I thought i was.

In the situation you describe, I think you are right to consider termination. I hope you reach the right decision for you OP

[Theydontknowweknowtheyknow]

You're really brave to talk about this. And I don't judge you because there is nothing to judge.

Do what is right for you

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

Couldn't read and run OP.

You sound like you're being very logical in what is an incredibly emotional time. Some support of any kind would be good for you, whether it comes from uni, GP or an independent team (if you're under 25 something like Youth Advice Center if it's in your area?), not just to help you reach the decision that is best for you, but for some general support as well.

[EarthboundMisfit]

Oh OP. I would contact BPAS who I believe offer a counselling service to help you come to a decision that's the best for you xxx

[LadyReuleaux]

You poor thing, this is awful. No wonder you're in such a state. You're not a hypocrite – this is a very unusual situation you couldn't have anticipated, and anyway everyone has the right to change their mind.

I don't mean to offend anyone but there are different views on whether this is a baby – until it is viable (could survive outside your body) another view says that it is a part of your body that has the potential to become a baby. If you look at it that way then you can see it as a decision to make about your own body.

I do think talking to someone would help - your GP is a good starting point, please go - and ask them how to get some support and counselling as they will know.

[MummyBex1985]

I'd probably terminate too. Unless you can get some counselling ASAP to work out whether a) you want to continue with the pregnancy and b) you can detach the way you feel for a potential baby from your scum bag ex. Then, you might have a shot at going ahead.

You'd also have to consider whether you want him requesting access in the future. You'd have to face the possibility of being tied to him in the future.

Sorry you've got such a shit decision to make