Pregnant and toxic MIL

[Summer221]

Hi ladies. Don’t know what I’m trying to get from this other then a little support I guess.
I’m 26 weeks pregnant with my first baby, it took me a while to get here as suffered some miscarriages along the way. Me and my partner have been together 8 years, but since we brought our house and iv got pregnant my mother in law (his mum) has become to much. I’m in tears most nights because of her, I get paragraph text messages from her telling me she dosnt feel included, she wants to be more involved etc ( this is all because of an altercation with paining my baby’s nursery, she wanted to completely take over with this)
Iv had a really bad few days with sickness and sciatica pain, she has been round yesterday and today and iv been on the sofa or napping, I feel wiped out. Then tonight I get you should be making me a drink, I’m really pissed off with you. I feel like I can’t do anything right. In the last 2 weeks my partners family have done nothing but cause my stress and I’m in tears most nights. Me and my partner are arguing over it as he said that’s his family regardless of what they are saying about me. There’s so much being said to much for me to even put all in here.
I’m worried my relationship just isn’t going to work because of this woman, and this is all before my baby is even here yet. I’m ridiculously stressed and don’t know how much more I can take. 😥

[scaredofthefuture2024]

Your partner should be supporting you. Your partner's mum has had her kids. She needs to take your lead not the other way around. I know it's hard but often the more you give, the more people will push for more.

[CadoAvo]

Exactly what pp has said. Your partner needs to be supporting you by listening and understanding why you're feeling like this and attempting to resolve it with his own mother. If he doesn't stand up to her she won't change her ways. Sounds like he panders to her and/or she's a narcissist, unfortunately quite common in some mother/son relationships.

I'd be firm with your partner and let them know where you stand and how you feel.

MIL saying she feels left out when YOU are having a baby 🤮 you have my sympathy OP 💕

[LilMsLurker]

Talk to your partner again. Explain that, yes, they are still his family, but you and baby are too. You're not asking him to cut them off, just be more of a buffer for the stress (can he not make his mum a drink?).

Talk with MIL. Explain that you are currently experiencing a lot, and that your main focus is on pregnancy and baby. You need to rest and keep yourself in good shape, not run around after (uninvited?) guests.

Sometimes, the temptation is to assume all MIL drama is toxic and irreparable. Good communication can highlight where this isn't the case... or at least that you're trying.

Set, and defend, some boundaries. MIL has no more reason to plan the nursery in your house than anyone else who doesn't live with you. It's your home. If she wants decor input, she can make a room for baby in her place for occasional visits.

Be prepared to maybe defend those boundaries more than common sense would mean. MILs sometimes complain of being 'left out' of experiences they would have killed their own MILs if they'd butted into. Make plans far in advance for who is there during birth, can visit in hospital, can visit when you first get home and communicate these as soon as possible. Not so that MIL can whinge she is being left out, but so there are no surprises (on either side) if you don't want her there 20 minutes after the birth.

[Autienotnaughtie]

You and your dh need to be on the same page. If his mum crosses a line he needs to speak to her.

Explain to mil you need to rest not run round after people.

I'd try to limit communication with her. Grey rock anything unhelpful and continue to do what you want

[Venturini]

Your relationship isnt going to work because your partner is a spineless arsehole. Unless he does a 360, tells his awful family to back off and leave you alone, I would wager you are in for a very rough time ahead once tjis baby arrives.

[SantasRubiksCube]

Your partner needs to take his balls out of his mummy's apron pocket and grow up, just because they are his family they shouldn't be allowed to do or say anything they want that has his pregnant partner in tears on a regular basis. Like others have said, the more you pander to her pathetic requests it's likely she will just become more demanding and pushy. Make it clear this is your baby and you'll do things how you want to.

[ladycarlotta]

You need your DP onside NOW. It's going to get worse when baby arrives - I speak from experience! I understand that it can be really fraught for him to step in and stand up to her, especially if he's used to just letting it all wash over him for a quiet life, but you need to set the tone for how you're going to parent together. They are his family and he can deal with them from now on. Don't engage with them. You do not need this.
if he won't stick up for you, you have your answer.

[Cronchy]

My MIL told me she has taken a week off work and that’s when ‘we’ would be painting the nursery and she would be going to pick out all the things for me to buy. So you have my sympathies. However, dh (awkwardly!!) told her that we would be doing everything and we would let her know if/when we needed her help. She was unhappy and he hated the confrontation but he managed it. She’s also been rude about coming over, and wanting us to be better hosts when she just turns up uninvited after we’ve both done a 12 hour shift, again dh has told her not to come then. It’s incredibly awkward and it is his mum, so it’s not as easy as telling her to fuck off, as I’d prefer to do, but your dp really does need to be shielding you a bit. Could you show him anything that explains how important it is for you to keep your stress and anxiety down at the moment so he realises maybe?
it is his family, regardless of how they’re treating you and I see what he means because that doesn’t change. However you’re also his family and you don’t have to just accept being treated terribly.
if he won’t step up, could you tell mil you’re struggling and you don’t mean to upset her but you’re doing your best, and you need her to stop having a go at you.
I’ve also said to mil I’m sorry you don’t feel included but my priority is sorting me and the baby, not worrying about what you want.
She hasn’t really stopped tbh and she got a bit worse first, but since she’s not getting a rise out of me, and dh keeps telling her no, she runs out of steam until she thinks of something new to have a go at me for, so I at least get a break. She is 100% a cloud over my pregnancy though and it does make me upset that I have to deal with her when I just want to enjoy the process.

[canyouletthedogoutplease]

I’m worried my relationship just isn’t going to work because of this woman

I'd say that your right, and also because of the man who is happy to see his wife in tears most evenings due to the behaviour of his mother, because, family, and because he's not got the balls he was born with.

Can you go and stay with your family for a while to get your head straight and work out what you want to do?

[Saymyname28]

you should be making me a drink, I’m really pissed off with you

I'm making a baby, you can make a cuppa, you could even make one for the mother of your grandchild too if you wanted.


As tired as you are, put your foot down now, do not give her an inch. This is not a battle you want to still be fighting when baby is born.

[MrsMcnulty20]

I’m worried my relationship just isn’t going to work because of this woman

I think the above is exactly what you need to say to your partner. Maybe try and talk to him at a different point to when she’s just done something etc, might make emotions a bit lower all round and easier to have a calm yet very frank and firm discussion.

good luck - I think you have to do something now, it will be very hard to be dealing with this and a newborn.

[Xur]

I could be writing down advice on being political and having a sensible conversation, but most people are aware of their actions. And for me if I see someone doesn’t care about me on a human level that makes the reduce them to garbage in my eyes. I would block her, be rude to her to her face with no regrets and show her she has no power or impact over here. If my husband wanted to kiss her ass I would tell him to move in with her then. Always remember- put yourself first. For them it’s just power politics. Mother in laws can be horrible, but they need to be treated like any other female snake.