Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

1 2

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Do I tell my fiancée now?

36 replies

Milkmachine15 · 10/02/2017 13:54

I've just found out I'm 4w+3 pregnant after 2 miscarriages in the last 5 months. We are getting married in May and it's got me thinking. I don't know whether to tell him now or as a surprise at the wedding if baby sticks. I know that if I tell him now all he'll do is worry and with wedding etc he's stressed enough as it is! But is it wrong of me to keep it a secret even for the right reasons? I haven't said to anything to anyone! I would just love for him to enjoy this pregnancy which if I tell him later the less chance there is of something going wrong and less stress on him! What do I do?????

OP posts:

Report

AuntieStella · 11/02/2017 17:56

What is thoughtful and kind to one person, comes across as infantilising the partner to someone else. One party controlling information like this is simply not a healthy characteristic in a relationship. Whatever the original motivation.

OP may well think this is kind, but it is anything but. What she is considering doing could rock things to their very roots. I'd find the keeping back of info such as this devastating and it would lead me to question the whole basis of the relationship. It's not a case of finding the right moment within a few days of POAS, which would probably be taken as fun. It's weeks of deliberate concealment..

I wouldn't want to marry someone I didn't think I would at least try to live up to the 'in sickness and in health' bits of the vows, nor someone who thinks it's OK to hide something as important as a pregnancy.

OP: I really hope this was just a bad idea that will pass, not a reflection of how you see your DP.

TopKittyKat · 11/02/2017 15:30

I think PP are being rather harsh here.
I think you motivations for not telling him are thoughtful and considerate. I can fully understand your motivations.
Only you know your relationship with DP and how DP will handle hearing the news later. It's difficult for others to advise.
Good luck OP and congratulations!

kel1234 · 11/02/2017 15:27

I couldn't wait personally. My dh was told immediately. The only reason he wasn't there when I did the first test was because he had to go to work and I wanted to do it with the first wee of the day. Even though we knew we still did another test when he got home, just so he was there (and we had a pack of 2 clearblue digital tests and it seemed pointless to keep the other one)

specialsubject · 11/02/2017 15:25

If you see marriage as a partnership.and not just a frilly frock, you will tell him. Life partners support each other.

Whatever variant of the vows you use, it includes the concept of 'in sickness and in health'. If you or he are not able to cope with that, don't marry.

Hope all goes well this time.

CharlieSierra · 11/02/2017 15:25

it destroyed him the last 2 times and he just changed the subject when I told him last pregnancy. He didn't even acknowledge it, we didn't talk about it, make any plans etc which I totally get- no expectation no disappointment. I don't want him to feel like that
Are you sure about marrying a man who even makes your miscarriages all about him?

DirtyBlonde · 11/02/2017 15:23

On, and if you must keep it from him, tell him on the eve of the wedding.

Because he'll need to choose whether or not to go ahead, once he knows you've deceived him by concealment for months.

Or tell him afterwards.

But for heaven's sake don't do it at the wedding itself. Desperately unfair.

DirtyBlonde · 11/02/2017 15:21

I would be beyond hurt if my partner kept something of this magnitude from me.

I would doubt they ever saw me as an equal parent, or even that they were truly sharing their life with me. I would know that they do not see me as a source of support. And I think that level of lack of trust in me, and assumption I could not cope, and assumption I'm OK with a life with withheld information could even amount to a deal breaker.

mistletoeprickles · 11/02/2017 15:11

Every relationship and every person is different but I know for sure my DP would be so hurt if I kept it from him.
We've been through 3 losses and every single one he's been the one holding me up, I couldn't imagine coping with all of that without him.
I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant and I made him stand outside the door whilst I did the test.
It's his baby too, he should get to be part of it.
4 months is a long time to keep a secret from you stbh. What happens if it doesn't work out? Would you keep that a secret too?

Smurf123 · 11/02/2017 13:57

I understand the not wanting to tell him to say him worrying. We had a mmc in August which was really hard on both of us. I've just found out im pregnant again but I've heard bleeding so not sure where I stand, had one scan last week and another one booked for Friday.. But I did trek my husband about the positive test and that doc was sending me for scan to see what was going on. he came to the scan with me but outside of that he doesn't want to talk about it at all. And that's OK too. In my husbands eyes he is trying to prepare me that it might not be all good at the next scan. I know he hopes it will but he won't day it. He said it was too hard for him to see me so upset the first time we had a mmc. But regardless of that he will be at the scans and I know he is right there for me and I don't think I could go for a scan without him knowing!
Hope it all works out for you

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/02/2017 18:09

Whether it's realistic will depend on:
A) how ill pregnancy makes you
B) how observant he is
C) how much time you're together

Whether it's a good idea is dorn to you and him and your relationship. I don't think we can tell you. I can understand protecting your partner from some of the worry. I told DH when I'd miscarried but not that I'd been pregnant (I didn't know either until I was already bleeding) so whilst I only kept it from him for a couple of days I was pleased to save him the worry. Don't know that I'd keep a secret for 4 months though.

GreedyDuck · 10/02/2017 17:21

Just suppose you miscarry again, will you keep that a secret too?

Just tell him, it's really very odd to not do so. My partner found my miscarriages tough, but he still supported me through them, that's what being partners/married is all about.

PurpleDaisies · 10/02/2017 15:01

I just don't know what to do! On the one hand he should know but on the other hand why put him through it? So confused!!

Why put him through it? Because he's the one who is supposed to be supporting you through thick and thin. Is that not how marriage works in your head?

What if he knew you were pregnant but you didn't (biologically difficult I know)? Wouldn't you be upset?

Oysterbabe · 10/02/2017 14:58

Wouldn't he want to be at the 12 week scan?

Jellybabie3 · 10/02/2017 14:49

Youve got to tell him. Your in this together.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 10/02/2017 14:41

You both took the decision to ttc so why would you keep your pregnancy secret? His the babies father and your partner and your planning to marry so surely he has a right to know?

I think it's very strange to not tell him.

SleepFreeZone · 10/02/2017 14:38

I totally understand as I've been in your position myself. I had ideas of only telling people once I was 'safe' but once you've had multiple losses you never actually feel safe, even at the end. So just tell him and lean on him and I wish you lots and lots of luck and sticky vibes

MuseumOfCurry · 10/02/2017 14:36

You're supposed to support each other through these kinds of exciting/scary moments, not hold them in as a surprise. I find your reasoning a bit strange.

Good luck.

ArriettyClock1 · 10/02/2017 14:35

Totally weird not to tell him.

iMatter · 10/02/2017 14:34

You'll need his support whatever the outcome.

Tell him OP, please.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Milkmachine15 · 10/02/2017 14:34

Would be due in October... both MCs we're post 11w so wouldn't even get any peace of mind from reassurance scan, we'd seen both heartbeats and still had the worry!! I just don't know what to do! On the one hand he should know but on the other hand why put him through it? So confused!!

OP posts:

Tubbyinthehottub · 10/02/2017 14:31

Tell him, it'd be weird not to.

NerrSnerr · 10/02/2017 14:29

I really don't think you can keep this a secret for all these months. Wouldn't you want his support if something went wrong? I get you're trying to spare his feelings but this is something that you should be experiencing together. Going through the rough with the smooth is what marriage is all about- I would seriously think about that,

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

BusterGonad · 10/02/2017 14:25

If you must wait then maybe give it a week or 2, while you get used to the idea, I personally feel waiting until May is a bit cruel!

Kmxxx14 · 10/02/2017 14:24

When Is the baby due? May is ages away. If you want to delay telling him then wait til 8 weeks or
Something & you could get an early scan. Usually if the baby has a heartbeat then there's a strong chance it'll stick. Then you could tell him if you feel more confident that it'll be ok.

I personally couldn't go through it for so long without telling him. He may not acknowledge it and discuss it but inside he will do.

PotteringAlong · 10/02/2017 14:22

Now! How would you feel if he found out big, life changing news that affected you and he chose not to tell you for 3 months?

Unflip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.