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AIBU to be thinking about missing my sisters wedding

53 replies

mummyof1soon2b2 · 30/01/2017 14:37

My sister is getting married in the summer,around the same time I am due baby number 2,if I haven't had the baby then I will definitely go to the wedding,I know its still a while off but I am starting to panic about what happens if I have the baby before the wedding.The wedding is 2 hour drive away from my house,Me and my hubby don't drive so are going down with my parents and my daughter in their car.If I have had the baby before the wedding we wont all fit in the car,If we went by train we would have to get 2 trains and taxis to get there,which I don't really want to do with a newborn baby,also we are staying over for 2 nights,again not sure if I want to do this with a newborn baby.what would you do?

OP posts:

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Sundaygal · 30/01/2017 15:26

How were you after your DD was born? With my first child I ended up doing a 2 hr road trip to another city just for the day when she was 5 days old. It wasn't essential travel (just touristing with my visiting family). It would have been more stressful if I had to make the decision before I knew how I felt though! Similarly with my second I was out and about without issue. Both times I had my family to help out and it was brilliant. I did bf without major issue which helped, but I liked getting on with my normal life. Not everyone is able or wants to.

I'd keep my options open but do my best to be there. I would have been devastated to miss my sisters wedding, but appreciate not everyone feels that way.

Agree with others that it may be a good idea to do a trial sleep over with the GP for your DD1 so if you can't make it she can still go.

OlennasWimple · 30/01/2017 15:30

Will DD need to sleep over at your parents anyway when your baby comes, if you are labouring overnight? So not a bad idea to have a few practice runs now anyway?

PragmaticWench · 30/01/2017 15:31

Will you be having the baby in hospital? Just thinking it might be handy for your DD to stay with her grandparents overnight from now, so she's used to it and then could stay with them when your baby arrives.

PragmaticWench · 30/01/2017 15:31

Cross post!

Hollyhop17 · 30/01/2017 15:33

If there's any possibility you can go, I would try hard to. Your only sister and, hopefully, her only wedding. Heck of a thing to miss. I agree with others, get your DD used to nights away now if you can. Good luck, I know its a difficult position to be in.

Amaried · 30/01/2017 15:33

Honestly I'd be very hurt and put out if I felt my only sister didn't make every possible effort to come to my wedding. It may not work on in the end but think you should try your absolutely hardest to make it work. It sounds a little like you don't really want to go..

ChocoChou · 30/01/2017 15:39

I agree with Amareid if you two are usually close I would really make every effort.
Plus a few sleepovers round DGPs for your DD is a great idea anyway, no?

purplefizz26 · 30/01/2017 15:42

Could you pay to rent a bigger car for your parents to drive? An 8 seater people carrier type thing?

It is difficult timing but if you can make it work you should for your sister.

electrasy · 30/01/2017 15:42

Another vote for best option being you (and bump or baby) in car with parents. DH on train. DD on whichever option she'd enjoy more.

And I agree with all those who've suggested practice overnights, you've plenty of time to plan. It doesn't have to be her first time away with DGP if you have to let DD go without you if you are in hospital or just unable to go yourself.

Your DSis has to be aware that all the best laid plans may still fall through as you can't know how and when things will happen. But if she's reasonable, then if you've made the effort to try to plan a solution, that's what counts even if it doesn't work out.

I wouldn't consider it for any wedding other than my DSis or best friend though.

mummyof1soon2b2 · 30/01/2017 16:24

Have not asked my parents yet what they think,they will probably say that they will take my daughter,to make matters worse,my sister is getting married on a big bday for my husband,so he wouldn't want to go to the wedding without me,we would like to be together as a family

OP posts:

mummyof1soon2b2 · 30/01/2017 16:27

Had to stay in hospital for a couple of days after first baby was born,and I remember being really uncomfortable and not being able to sit down properly for weeks after,have also been under a consultant with this pregnancy and they are talking about possible c section or being induced early

OP posts:

mummyof1soon2b2 · 30/01/2017 16:30

Yes will be having baby in hospital,my parents would probably come to our house to look after daughter they don't have a spare room as such

OP posts:

mummyof1soon2b2 · 30/01/2017 16:35

obviously I really want to go to my sisters wedding,but just lately she has been really off with me as I haven't been able to get involved as much as she wanted me to with the wedding,i just don't think she will understand if I cant make it,i didn't think I was being unreasonable to not want to travel and stay over if I had just had a baby,but obviously I am

OP posts:

Sparklyuggs · 30/01/2017 16:46

How long is it until the wedding? Does your sister know that you have been told you may be induced early/ having a c section?

I can imagine she's upset but you haven't done this deliberately, and as others have said, plan to go if all is well but perhaps she can talk to the venue/caterer and see if she can have any leeway with final numbers?

mistermagpie · 30/01/2017 17:00

Hmm. Honestly, I wouldn't go. It's just too close to your due date. A couple of weeks and I would say go for it, but you will either be extremely pregnant and liable to pop at any minute, or you will literally have just had the baby. Can you wait and see how you are nearer the time though? My DS was a couple of weeks early, so by my due date I was feeling up to going out and about away from home - you never know, you might be in that boat.

My best friend (I have no siblings if that's relevant) came to my wedding when she was 38 weeks. It was a three hour drive and she was tired but I was so thrilled and touched she made the effort. I never expected it though and would have completely understood. Similarly my DHs best friend had a baby two weeks before out wedding and didn't come because she wasn't up to the trip. Again, we totally understood. I think your sister has every right to be disappointed, but she needs to understand how you feel too.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 30/01/2017 17:02

A potential c section is totally different... you'd be unlikely to want to travel within a few days of that...

I'd suggest you start planning for DD to go with DGPs and keep firm that you can't commit but will try to make it if you feel well enough after dc2 has arrived...

If you aren't induced and don't have a section and go over your EDD then I wouldn't go... you would want to stay close to home/hospital

RandomMess · 30/01/2017 17:11

I think you need to tell your sister that you've seen the consultant and you can't see you physically being able to make the wedding. The longer you leave it the worse the whole thing is going to be.

It sounds like you will end up with a C-section in the week prior to the wedding. I assume your sister lives where she is getting married?

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 30/01/2017 17:22

I think you just need to have a really frank and honest conversation with your sister. Tell her that high desperately want to go to her wedding but it's causing a lot of anxiety and you are struggling with the logistics of it.

Do you have a "back up plan" if you were to go into labour while you were at the wedding? Have you looked at the local hospitals there and are you happy with the possibility of being treated in one of them? We are really lucky that we have a brilliant maternity ward and MLU here, so if I were going to be travelling during late pregnancy I would want to know that the same level of care could be accessed.

If you have a c section then you definitely won't feel up to a wedding the same week. I don't want to scare you because most women recover without any problems and it's really not worth worrying about, but it is still major surgery and you will be tired, sore, weak etc.

I think if I were in your shoes I would bow out I'm afraid. There are just too many variables and it's obviously causing you a lot of stress in the meantime.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 30/01/2017 17:23

*you desperately want to go

PostTruthEra · 30/01/2017 17:37

Why could you not be a bridesmaid because you were pregnant?

One of my bridesmaids missed my wedding as she had her baby a week before. I didn't mind as, y'know, she had a baby! We toasted her at the ceremony and I was happy for her. I still consider her as having been a bridesmaid.

Anyway, in your shoes I'd tell your sister you are hoping to come for the day, but if you don't want to go or you can't, then don't!

LuckyinOctober · 30/01/2017 18:42

I noticed your thread title included "am I being unreasonable" and you've said here "i didn't think I was being unreasonable to not want to travel and stay over if I had just had a baby,but obviously I am".

I think you're looking for reassurance from a mums community that it's OK to put your children and DH first, and plenty people have offered that reassurance. Others have put more weight on the value of attending your sister's wedding and the potential costs to the relationship of not going. Ultimately this is a bit about values, and what comes first for you and that's a personal thing rather than something other people can advise on - putting your DC first is not unreasonable; it also would not be unreasonable for someone to put a very high value on their relationship with their sister and choose to act on the value by making every realistic effort to attend the wedding, or failing that to set up a webcam to watch it/ send your daughter with your parents or other compromise. From what you've said in terms of the practical details, it doesn't sound that realistic to me without significant compromises, work and effort as well as flexibility from everyone involved and it's also a personal decision for all of you as to how much of that you want to do. Ultimately, like other people have said it may well be a decision taken out of your hands if you have a c-section just before the wedding for example, or if an induction is needed before as then it really couldn't be feasible. If the wedding is in summer though, it's going to stay unpredictable for a while and talking openly with your sister would seem helpful so you can help her manage her expectations of you which will protect your relationship however things work out. Good luck

mistermagpie · 30/01/2017 18:46

From an Aibu point of view, I don't think you or your sister are being unreasonable, it's just the circumstances mean that you can't do everything that both of you want.

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diddl · 30/01/2017 20:04

",i didn't think I was being unreasonable to not want to travel and stay over if I had just had a baby,but obviously I am"

Of course you're not!

Ragdoll545 · 30/01/2017 20:13

I would send your daughter regardless. I have a sister who sounds a little like yours. She will probably understand if you don't make it but there is very little reason for your daughter not to make it. She will be away with her grandparents she will love it. Sell it to her as a big girl trip with the grandparents to aunties wedding that only big girls get to do.
Your sister will forgive you if you don't go but if you keep making so many excuses she will get pissed off and lash out at you. I am saying this with experience of having a high maintenance sister with no children!

Wishforsnow · 30/01/2017 20:16

Was your sister supportive at your wedding, hen do, birth of first child? I guess if this is the first occasion that goes the other way I could see that she would be really unhappy with you. If you physically can't go you can't. Your DH could take the train and you go in the car.

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