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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Anyone else not feeling connected to baby?

39 replies

onecrazycook · 18/09/2016 16:58

I'm just past 9 weeks pregnant and feeling absolutely nothing for my baby. I'm really concerned that this isn't normal. I do want it, despite my husband being less than keen, but I'm finding it hard to feel any connection.

Anyone else? Or should I be worried?

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onecrazycook · 19/09/2016 17:32

Yeah, I'm wondering if our "situation" has something to do with the way I currently feel. I guess time will tell

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Greenbigtree · 19/09/2016 17:30

With dd I never really felt connected until she was born. I'd had miscarriages before her, so felt fearful of bonding with her when she was in my tummy.

I am now expecting ds1 and am 23 weeks. Baby was quite a surprise I can tell you. My oh and I have a lot of personal issues going on and, as such, we've not really given us chance to get out head around having a baby! We are also having loads of aggro from oh's ex, so that's not helping!

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FeralBeryl · 19/09/2016 10:47

Goodness me not at all that early on!
Completely normal for lots of people, just as it's completely normal if you are.
Pregnancy is individual.
Mine wasn't even really at the 12 week scan either more at the 20 week ones, or once they start moving kicking the living shit out of you you'll be fine OP. Try not to let DH stress you about things either.
Most partners in my experience only 'bond' once there is tangible evidence of another human - ie having the baby handed to them

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crayfish · 19/09/2016 10:42

I never really did feel connected when I was pregnant. I had terrible ante-natal anxiety and think I was too terrified of something going wrong. I didn't even want to tell anybody I was pregnant, wouldn't buy anything, didn't have a bag packed when I went into labour - you get the idea. I was very very happy to be pregnant and knew I would love the baby but I think detatching myself from the process made it feel easier.

That baby is now 14 months old and is the absolute light f my life. After he was born I couldn't believe I got to keep him and just started at him all the time. He was, and remains, the best thing I have ever done and we are really close.

My point is, don't worry if it doesn't feel 'real' or you struggle to connect during the pregnancy. Often you don't feel that connection until the baby is here and that's when it matters.

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notinagreatplace · 19/09/2016 10:06

I've had a really easy pregnancy physically (no morning sickness, no pelvic pain, sleeping really well still at 35 weeks) and still don't feel "bonded" to the baby - I'm really excited about having a baby but I don't feel connected to the bump in any way.

Sometimes, I think people just say what they think they're expected to say.

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DollyBarton · 19/09/2016 09:39

Totally normal. I'm always like this but adore my kids. With the hormones, vommiting and exhaustion I spend my pregnancies actively focusing on how excited I was at the thought of adding to our family but during the actual pregnancy I never bond really.

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charlybs · 19/09/2016 09:37

Agree that there's so much stuff out there that assumes we feel a certain way! I'm 15 weeks, had 2 scans and still can't believe I'm pregnant really - there's a human in my tummy?! What??

My overwhelming feelings so far are of weirdness and nervousness, with some excitement too. I think everyone is different but it's hard to feel connected to a tiny thing that isn't really real yet!

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onecrazycook · 19/09/2016 09:30

I suppose it's just the endless articles I've read making me feel awful for not being bowled over with wide-eyed wonder

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squeezed · 18/09/2016 23:20

With dd1 i was connected from the start. However my last pregnancy was really tough with HG and spd. I really wasn't connected to DD until a few weeks after she was born. It didn't mean that I didn't love her. Try not to worry about it.

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neonrainbow · 18/09/2016 23:12

I'm so happy i saw this thread. My family are saying they love the babies so much already but its so abstract to me. I've had 4 scans and still doesnt compute that those two little things flickering about on the screen will be actual real babies that I'll be expected to look after in a few short weeks.

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sj257 · 18/09/2016 22:59

I still can't quite believe that there's one in there, even though I can feel him moving! My youngest is 8 so it's a bit surreal even though it was planned, it's only just starting to sink in! I'm a bit in denial about the whole getting him out of there bit!!! Due in January x

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SnayPar · 18/09/2016 20:35

For both pregnancies it all felt very theoretical until I could feel movements. Then it was nice for a bit and I felt a bit connected to the baby for a while (although still theoretical and a bit odd) until the third trimester, which I absolutely hated the first time and am hating again the second time around. And I didn't really bond with DC1 until about 3 or 4 months after the birth, I was just too tired and baffled by the whole thing. No PND, I just don't really like newborns.

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onecrazycook · 18/09/2016 20:31

Thanks so much. Everything I read says how as a mum to be you're already (supposedly) deeply invested and in love with your baby as soon as you get the BFP- so naturally I've been thinking there's something wrong with me. I'm so grateful for all these posts from
You guys who feel just like me!

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panad317 · 18/09/2016 20:14

It's my due date today and I still don't feel what you think you should be feeling! I was the same with DC1, even the minute she was born I didn't feel a massive connection. I think it was after coming home and settling in, bonding etc I felt 'it'.
Don't worry 😃

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SquedgieBeckenheim · 18/09/2016 20:02

When I was pregnant with DD I never felt connected till she was born, then was in shock and didn't feel much till I saw her the next day. When I saw her in the NICU so tiny and fragile, then I felt the connection and the love.
I'm now 14 weeks with DC2 and feel no connection at all. It still doesn't feel real, even after seeing the scan. I find it very hard to connect what I see on the screen with what is inside. To me it's not "real".
What I'm trying to say, is no matter what you feel through the pregnancy, the love will come once the baby is here. It may not come straight away, but it will happen.

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wayway13 · 18/09/2016 19:33

Don't worry OP, I'm just starting to connect with this pregnancy and I'm 37 weeks (this is my 2nd DC). I've been too ill and busy with PFB to bond.

You will love your child! Maybe not now or during pregnancy or even immediately after birth (took me a few days with DD) but you will.

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skyyequake · 18/09/2016 19:20

GlitteryFluff I feel like we experienced almost the exact same thing (different birth circumstances) but the daze, feeling like it wasn't really happening, the whole lot... To be honest when I look back it still doesn't feel like it happened to me, its like I slipped into an alternate universe for like a month or two

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AristotlesTrousers · 18/09/2016 19:01

I never did, with either of mine, not until they were born, and even then it took a few hours to bond.

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LuchiMangsho · 18/09/2016 19:01

I never talked to the bump. What on earth would I say? I talked non stop to DS from when he was born though and now he talks non stop at me. He has a cold and a cough and would recover much quicker if only he stopped talking and let his throat rest. Argh.

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GlitteryFluff · 18/09/2016 19:00

I didn't feel connected at all throughout my pregnancy (all 42 weeks and a day of it). It didn't feel real. We planned and wanted him, we were excited and bought everything, but it just didn't feel real. He was born via c section and I didn't get that rush of love either (his birth or afterwards). It took time to connect once he was here too. My dm was welling up every time she saw him, saying her heart hurt with so much love, and I was just like 'okayyy..' - I didn't get it. And he was an easy baby. It was so weird. He's 2 now and he's amazing (and a pain) but all the pregnancy and first few weeks i felt in a daze almost. Like I knew it was happening and it was to me but it still didn't feel right. I dunno, I'm rambling now.

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BettyOBarley · 18/09/2016 19:00

I didn't feel connected to my DD until she was born really and even then I didn't have that 'rush' of love people talk about...

I'm now 39.5 weeks with DC2 and feel the same again, I haven't felt any real excitement yet (will just be relieved when baby is here safe and well is my main feeling)

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LuchiMangsho · 18/09/2016 18:59

I never felt connected to a baby bump. Having a real baby felt v abstract. Then DS was born and I loved him but I wasn't starry eyed. We have a fabulous bond now. And I cannot imagine life without him. I am pregnant again (after some losses) and I am much more connected to this bump because the end product, ie a baby and what it entails is more real to me.

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Lookinatu · 18/09/2016 18:54

I didn't feel connected until they were both born. I think it was a coping mechanism for me and to make sure they were real. Seems a bit odd but I seemed to do it with both pregnancies.

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bobcat85 · 18/09/2016 18:51

I'm nearly 32 weeks and not feeling connected at all to the baby. I think it's because it feels so unreal and until baby arrives I probably won't have any real connection. Even the scans have not made me feel connected at all. I've read that you should talk to bump but I really can't bring myself to do it as it feels so weird.

Don't worry at all, some people don't and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

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skyyequake · 18/09/2016 18:14

I never felt overly connected, I loved feeling her wriggle around (less so during the night time!) but couldn't quite make it reality in my head that this was my baby... It didn't even happen after birth, but I think that was due to traumatic birth... I didn't really make a "bond" with her till she was around 3-4 weeks... I felt horrible, and of course i cared about her and looked after her, but it was only after this time that I felt she was mine and we had that special mother-baby bond... She's now 14mo and I love her so much it hurts sometimes and we have a fantastic bond, which I cherish so much

You'll be fine, you might feel it when you see the first scan, or the second, or after birth, or when they crack their first smile, but you will definitely feel it