How will I know if I want children or not?

[MaKo2015]

Not sure if this fits in here... I just wonder what made you decide to have a baby? I'm serious about this. I'm currently exactly 50/50 about the whole baby thing.

My boyfriend and I have stable lives, we own a flat and both have fixed jobs although my career is not very important to me. We don't have an extravagant lifestyle and don't spend much money. I sometimes think it would be nice to have my own family and start the adventure of raising a child, teaching them useful things, spending nice time together etc. My boyfriend would make a good dad, in my opinion, but he is as unsure about it as myself.

But I'm also terrified. I'm afraid that I will regret my decision so much it will make my want to run away and never come back. We don't have much support either because almost all our friends don't have kids and our families live thousands of km away.

Don't get me wrong: I have no illusions regarding being a parent. I have been long enough in this world to understand what a hell of a workload kids are and that things may as well go very, very wrong.

I'm 29 and I know I still have time but I don't think my feelings will suddenly change and I will know for sure what I want. People say "one day you will know it". I don't believe that. Not my case. What can help me take this big decision? What's your experience?

[austengirl]

I always thought I probably wanted kids someday, but definitely not in my 20s. DH was not interested when we got married, but left the door open to possibility. When I was around 33-34, a switch flipped in my head from 'disinterested' to 'interested'. Not broody per se, but I knew I would want to start trying sooner rather than later, especially as I didn't want to go through IVF.

As we've got older and seen friends have kids and how it affected their lives, and my SiL had a child (who adores her uncle) I think DH became more open to it, provided we had stable jobs, owned a house etc. A lot of his friends have become dads and I think that's provided a bit of reassurance that life does go on.

Last autumn we started trying. I'm now 36 and due in November. I don't know if we'll have more than one, and I definitely have moments of panic about what we're getting ourselves into, but I'm really looking forward to meeting our little one.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

I didn't want a baby until I was 32. I'm happily pregnant now and the baby will be here just before my 34th birthday.

[whatsagoodusername]

I was always ambivalent about having kids. It was a sort of "yes, probably at some point, but fine if not".

DH was very clear he wanted a family.

DC1 was unplanned, I had him at 30. Had DC2 the year after. I am still ambivalent. I like my kids, but I am not a baby person. I have never felt any broodiness.

I have no idea if we will have more. DH is happy with two, but says if I decide I want another, we will. So I'm waiting to see if broodiness ever does set in - 35 now and no sign of it.

[Glitteryarse]

I don't think you can prepare for children.

You can never know how you will feel untill you are pregnant or even after the birth. Many women long for a baby then when they have it think ' shit, this wasn't for me' OR women that absolutly did not want kids become pregnant and become fiercely protective and instantly in love with it.

You don't have to like other people kids to be a good parent. You only have to love your own.

If you can afford it and don't feel it would wreck your life go for it. They are only small and co dependant for a short time.

By the way I'm about to start another round of IVF. I swing daily about WTF am I doing. I'm happy with the two ive got (dd1 20 to ex) dd2 is two. But I have three frozen blasts (fertilised eggs) and DP is desperate for one more. I'm not ready to close the door (or bin them) but I like the fact dd is past the baby stage. I must be mad but I'm hVing one more go. I know once I'm pregnant I'll feel differnt. clutching at straws and reaching for the gin

[AbbeyRoadCrossing]

Like minipie I love my own child, other people's not so much. Being in a restaurant of an evening with squawking kids is my idea of a bad time and I'd never held a baby until my own! Probably not very helpful for deciding if you're ready or not though, sorry

[museumum]

How do you feel about only children? Some people feel very strongly that if they have one child they must "give them" siblings.
I don't. My do and I have one child. We're relatively sure he'll be our only (but he's only 2 so time to change our minds).
IMO one child is very different from 2,3 or more. A lot of stuff is easier to continue to do with one child.
Before having ds people only ever talked about "wanting children" in the plural. Thinking and visualising "a child" helped us decide to go ahead.

[minipie]

not sure I agree with doglover though - I would never choose to spend time with other people's children, in general am not a fan of small children if I am brutally honest, but that doesn't mean I don't like my own.

[minipie]

I agree you should ask yourself the two questions in Lottapiano's first post.

Also, what sort of a person are you - do you like life to be calm, predictable, tidy? Or would that be a bit boring and you would prefer more in the way of new experiences (both good and bad) and unpredictability? For me, life without children was definitely easier and more comfortable, but it was getting a bit "samey" and I realised I couldn't imagine another 30 years of it. Having children gives you constant change and challenges!

[Lottapianos]

Very good point DogLover. Not everyone enjoys the company of children. I think women in particular are looked on with suspicion if they feel this way, but even though I work with young children and enjoy being around them, I can completely understand why they're not everyone's idea of a fun time!

[scarednoob]

actually you're not always better off by being married. it's not romantic and it's not nice, but if you have more money than your partner, and things go wrong, you can end up a lot worse off. as a property lawyer, I see a lot of things going wrong!

I think marriage is really beautiful, but i also think it's not for everyone. if you would prefer to be married, that's great - but you certainly don't have to be.

[DogLoverFeelingBroody]

OP, do you like children?

I have always known I never want children for a whole host of reasons. One of the key reasons, though, is that I actually just don't like them.

[Glitteryarse]

Fucking hell gunpowder

[HermioneWeasley]

Having kids is an utterly life changing, lifetime commitment. Why would you even consider it if you don't desperately want to do it?

[AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain]

Legally you're better protected if you're married. There is no such thing as 'common law' in the UK. So unless you are financially independent or not planning on becoming a sahm then yes being married does make a difference. It's not about being old fashioned, it's about not putting yourself in a vulnerable position should anything go wrong.

[MelB2014]

I'm 31 and 32 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My husband and I were also on the fence for a long time, I've never been that interested in babies or parenting, but we have reached a point where we have a nice home, stable jobs, savings and people around us who have young families. Watching friends/relatives with their children made me begin to think that I might like one, but I was never 100% convinced.

My husband and I discussed it at length and decided not to actively try, but I went off the pill so we stopped not trying. I thought it would take a long time but I came back from a holiday in November pregnant. I then miscarried at 8.5 weeks and the experience was a real eye-opener. I'm not sure if it was the hormones or something else, but losing that pregnancy really devastated me and really cleared up the question of whether I wanted a child - I was sure I wouldn't have felt so upset if I had seriously had doubts.

I got pregnant again very quickly - again unexpectedly - and we are now really looking forward to having a little person join our family.

I'm now having to take a break from my career at quite a critical point, which will affect my career progression, but it's a sacrifice I've decided is worth taking. It's so individual though, it's not the right thing for everyone to have a baby and I firmly believe that it shouldn't be forced on women that it's something we have to do.

[goldenhen]

I am pregnant with my first at 34. I'd have probably said the same as you a couple of years ago. Now, I don't disagree with anything you wrote but the emphasis is different.

Honestly, I feel like I've made the decision to have one with my head and not my heart. I'm very excited now it's happening, but I've never felt pangs of broodiness.

I think if you don't have them there is the danger that it's absolutely fine...until one day it just isn't, and then it's too late. I personally feel I'd be fine all through my 30s and 40s, eating out and going on nice holidays, but my 50s would start to feel a bit gloomy and like there was something missing. I'd rather be an old person with a grown-up child than a childless old person.

But time's on your side. You might feel a bit different even in two years. It's OK to be on the fence for now! Your friends don't have them now but a lot of them will in 5 years time, and whatever decision is right for you will reveal itself in time...

[chopsface]

I was never broody until I decided at 32 that if I were to have children I'd rather try now than leave it too long and have regrets. After chats with the dh we decided I'd have my implant out and see what happened. After a while of nothing happening I realised how much I did want a baby and we sought fertility tests and went through a gruelling 12 months of referrals to a clinic!

I did get pregnant naturally in the end and I'm now 35 and 22 weeks gone. Every now and then I have a mini panic of omg am I doing the right thing 'giving up' my former life?! But this is a new chapter and my life will be totally different yes, but not necessarily in a bad way! I think me and dh were just bumbling along before with no real purpose. Work weekend work weekend work, couple holiday abroad, work weekend work weekend work. And so on. Now I think of all the wonderful things we can now do with our little person. We were never ones for nights out, cinema etc so we are not really giving anything up and I'm more than happy to swap our week in the sun abroad for a caravan at the British seaside. And look forward to building sandcastles without looking like a knob lol.

Good luck with your decision. It's scary but it's exciting too :-)

[MissSMartin]

I'm only 22 but I've always known that i wanted children.. it was more about timing for me. now I own my own house and car and have a pretty darn good paying job with good benefits ect and have been with my partner for 7.5 years I thought why not now? no I'm not married and probably never will be but I own my house so I would never need to worry about accommodation and I have a hell of alot of family and friends close by so I'm very supported. yeah people will think oh gosh your alittle to young to have a child and live your life and travel.. but life doesn't end when you have kids in my eyes it enhances life.
everyone is different and you have to do what feels right for you. . I hope you figure it out soon

[GoooRooo]

I didn't want children at all until I met DH. Then we had a pregnancy scare before we were married and at that point I realised I desperately wanted to have children with him (I wasn't pregnant at all!)

So for me, it really was like a light switch turning on.

Another friend of mine had a similar thing - fell pregnant by accident and miscarried and then realised how much she wanted children. Both of us really struggled to conceive after that - it took me 5 years to conceive naturally and it took a round of IVF for her.

I think a lot of people have mixed feelings about having children though and that's really, really normal.

[IfYouWereARiverIdLearnToFloat]

I was a bit meh about the whole thing until I miscarried - it really made us both realise how much we wanted to have a family. But I still have moments of feeling completely overwhelmed & terrified by how much our lives are about to change.

[MaKo2015]

Thanks for your advice (yes, it was advice although you tried not to give me any). That helps.

Oh and yes, if we had kids (or just one child) I would prefer to get married but I'm not desperate for it.

[TenForward82]

I was pretty "meh" about having kids. Then post 30 I started getting the urge. Now 32 and up the duff.

Don't put pressure on yourself. When you feel it, go with it. If you don't, that's ok too.

[Skiptonlass]

There's no sudden biological irresistible urge (well, there wasn't for me.)

I think for me it was a combination of having married a decent man, having a decent job and having hit a point in my life where I'd done a lot of education and travel. Also, seeing friends have kids, turn out to be decent parents with nice kids and seeing that it hadn't ruined their lives ;)

Crucially though, we talked about it ...

We talked about the pros and cons. About our feelings, about our expectations of each other as parents. We talked about parental leave, finances...everything really. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. Don't stress about having little support - my family live in a different country and his hundreds of miles away.

Whatever you decide is valid. Ignore anyone who tells you you must have kids/are selfish not to - that's bollocks. There are seven billion people on the planet, we aren't an endangered species!

I didn't feel ready at 29. By 35 I'd met my husband, emigrated, and forged a stable career and then I was ready. I'm expecting my first now, looking forward to it but with no illusions about how tough it's going to be!

There's no one right time - only a good ish time that's right for you. Communicate, communicate, communicate with your partner.

[Nousername2015]

I felt the same as you OP, I've just turned 30. Not many of my friends have children and I do sometimes envy their lifestyle but at the same time I'm very appreciative of what I have.
I don't have kids yet but am 17 weeks pregnant. My first pregnancy earlier in the year ended in miscarriage. I did become acutely aware of my age at this point, especially as I now hope to have more than 1 child.
When we started talking about trying the first thing we did was book a holiday. Having that experience of 'being selfish' was wonderful.
I don't see having children as being a barrier to travel, in fact I see it as an opportunity. I can't wait to travel with my baby and show it the world (as much as finances allow!) To me experiences are more valuable than fancy clothes and ipads.
I'm not really trying to give advice, you should do what instinct tells you. Have I ever had the 'urge' to start trying? Absolutely not.

To whoever is worried about climate change. Yes, it is a very serious issue and we should do more about it and take responsibility. However, where will the activists and scientists of tomorrow come from if noone has children? All research and work done up to now would just stop.