Why have I let this upset me?

[GingerRodgers]

Feel more mad at myself for not saying anything really but can't help but be upset. Just been in boots and the woman at the till asked how long I've got left. She looked surprised but had obviously misheard so when I corrected her, her jaw nearly hit the floor.

"You'll never make it another 8 weeks, did you go to term with your first?" "Really?! you're just huge there's no way you'll make another 8 weeks"

Why can't I find the courage to just say something in return?!

Thing is, I'm a lot smaller at this point than I was with dd, I'm measuring bang on for dates and she was twice the size of me anyway. Really wanted to just say "I'm pregnant. What's your excuse?" Just can't bring myself to be rude.

I know we get these threads all the time but I feel so low about myself as it is, I have massive body image issues and things like this will stay with me and really bring me down.

As much as I try to ignore and forget, I can't. I just can't stop crying

Sorry, just needed to get it off my chest.

[museumum]

You really really shouldnt' let it upset you. It was maybe a bit rude to make such personal remarks and clearly she was talking rubbish about how long your pregnancy will last.

But... the issue about body image is the real issue. Who cares how big your bump is?

Try thinking about WHY you are so down - She is not saying anything about your body, she's not saying you're fat and lazy or ugly or unlovable, she's just saying you are growing a big healthy baby in there.
Ok, so you know that it's an average-sized healthy baby not a particularly big one but even if it was a HUGE baby it still wouldn't be anything to be upset about.

Would you have been happy if she had said 'oh my god your bump is so small your baby can't possibly be big enough for your dates'?

I honestly don't understand why women get so upset about comments on your bump size or even on water retention or any other pregnancy symptom. It's just what your body does when it's growing a baby.

I am no beauty queen, I am short, stocky, slightly overweight, have chuncky thighs and stretchmarks from pregnancy... and yes, I sometimes feel ashamed of my body in a swimsuit althogh I know i shouldn't.
But during preganancy I was happy to observe the amazing thing my body was doing growing a baby, whether big or small high or low, all bumps are fascinating and amazing and some people just can't help comment. PLEASE PLEASE don't let comments upset you so much either now or after birth when your body will still be doing amazing things recovering and caring for your baby.

[squizita]

Museum

"she's just saying you are growing a big healthy baby in there" ... well no she wasn't. She said the baby was abnormally large and would therefore arrive too early - that's literally what she said to the OP!
Big difference.
And actually quite similar in tone to 'oh my god your bump is so small your baby can't possibly be big enough for your dates' i.e. some random person telling you there's a medical problem everyone else can see except you and your baby's at some kind of risk.

I've had people comment on my size (both big and small ... in the same day). Not bothered.
And I have had people comment that my baby is "too big and might get stuck" and "too small... aren't you worried with your miscarriage history?" or "you'd be in hospital in my country".
Those last ones are NOT just size comments and ARE incredibly upsetting. They aren't commenting on what your body is doing normally, they are suggesting it won't work properly and something will go wrong.

[museumum]

But the OP said she was upset because she had body image issues... she said "I have massive body image issues and things like this will stay with me and really bring me down."

That's not the same as saying the stupid women knows nothing about the health or otherwise of my baby - which is of course true!!

[RedToothBrush]

Given that this was a lady working on the tills at Boots, and therefore must come into contact more with pregnant ladies than in other shops, its staggeringly unprofessional and lacks any understanding of their cliental.

I would expect better customer service as a result. They should be more aware of how much pregnant women worry and how insecure they might feel.

The fact that the OP has body issues in addition to this is irrelevant. TBH boots staff should stay clear of such comments too, because they are in the beauty business - they are trying to sell products that take away some of these insecurities. They have to be careful not to say anything to someone who is already using them as this could undermine the product and its not always possible to know that. They are in the business of being discrete and sensitive, not twats who don't know the difference between rude and reassuring.

[squizita]

TBH boots staff should stay clear of such comments too, because they are in the beauty business - they are trying to sell products that take away some of these insecurities.

Yep.
If I was there in my usual non-pregnant state, very sensitive about my hair which falls out randomly sometimes, and someone said "ooh you have thin hair, I wonder if you'll have the menopause and become feeble young" TBH whether I was offended about the vanity/hair thing (which I know I am too touchy about) or the health thing would be moot: the fact is both are insensitive.

[GingerRodgers]

I'm the first person to admit I have body image issues and can be sensitive, probably because of this. I just don't understand how when you're pregnant, people seem tho think it's ok to make comments on your appearance. I don't think it's acceptable to go up to someone and say "goodness you're a great big fatty" to an overweight person or "gosh are you anorexic" to a slim person. It's none of my business and it's rude so WHY is it ok when someone is pregnant?!

[weebairn]

I have just had the SAME PERSON tell me my bump was very big and very small in the space of 24 hours!! Maybe it depends what I'm bloody wearing…

[weebairn]

Ginger, I'm really sorry you felt so upset about this. It was a thoughtless and stupid comment. Try and focus on the things you know - you're measuring right for dates, you know you are smaller than you were with your previous baby anyway - and ignore the comments. It's not easy, though - I get upset too when people say something tactless.

[Lula2515]

I'm only 23 weeks pregnant and just had a young man in sainsburys giving me advice on what he obviously thought would be my very imminent labour.
I honestly think they're just told to try and make conversation with customers and sometimes get it a bit wrong and are twats

[kmini]

Gingerrodgers, I've had plenty people make comments too & I am measuring perfectly so far. One of the girls at work who is gorgeous & oh so slim makes a comment every time we chat. Calls me "bumpy". I know she means well, but it just irks me.

Its horrible because you already feel so low about your body & the loss of control, that when others start commenting it makes you feel even worse. Rest assured you are not alone!

I think most people comment because it your tum is suddenly so obvious, it just becomes a conversational point. Also, no one really has any idea what someone is meant to be at each stage of a pregnancy. I know I would have been totally ignorant pre-pregnancy.

Just concentrate on being healthy as you can. Ignore everyone.

[pinkfairy84]

I don't think you should take it to heart so much. I've been told on the same day that im huge and that im tiny. Im 39 weeks myself and I think sometimes us pregnant woman need to take a step back and try and be logical and remember we are hormonal and very sensitive right now. Woman around the world arent all out to get us by saying the wrong thing and making us feel bad about our bumps. If the midwife says you're tracking fine then just keep it in mind and don't let a complete stranger get you down. Its not worth it!

[Torfhinn]

If when someone else makes a comment on your bump size, look pointedly at them and ask them 'how big do you think my bump should be at xx weeks?' Watch them squirm. Without being rude, you have pointed out that they don't know what they are talking about. I do love a bit of well placed passive aggression

[samthewolf]

I just don't see why this woman is being made out to be so horrendous, when I was pregnant i was told numerous times how huge I was but I didn't once think there was malice in it, no one said she was going to have a very ill baby, she made a joke about a bump, it's just not a big deal.

[Torfhinn]

Samthewolf - I think commenting on someone's appearance is generally socially unacceptable, especially when that person is there in a professional capacity. Why does being pregnant make these comments acceptable?

I've never had body image issues, yet when I was pregnant I felt exposed and comments like 'hey fattie' made me fell quite insecure.

[samthewolf]

Hey fatty isn't really the same as what was said is it though. I am not condoning commenting on someone for being fat/skinny/average/tall/short or whatever but i don't see how what the lady in the store was so offensive, someone calling a pregnant person fatty or similar isn't acceptable but that isn't what happened.

[squizita]

She said "no way" the OP would last the distance to the normal time for birth. Of course that could be scary - of course it suggests something could go wrong because babies coming before due date is something everyone accepts is a problem. What on earth would possess someone to tell a client at work (which is what she was) they looked too big for their gestation and might have a premature baby? That. Is. What. She. Said.
So if it was a joke, it was in very poor taste indeed.

[Torfhinn]

'Hey fatty' was also a joke. Should I be laughing? The point is, commenting on someone's personal appearance is not acceptable in that capacity, pregnant or not. You have no idea how your comments will be taken, as OP is a prime example.

The woman in Boots' actions were not 'horrendous', just insensitive.

[samthewolf]

Maybe I just wouldn't take it that seriously if someone said it to me because I wouldn't let a stranger saying that make me actually think I was going to have a premature baby, i had dd1 at 34 weeks and still wouldn't have thought because someone had said that that it was likely to happen because someone thought my bump was big and told me id have her early! it is insensitive and I wouldn't say it to someone but I can't help but think it wasn't in the same vein as hey fatty and it was just some random person saying things like random people do when you're pregnant (and had a baby, isn't she tiny etc)! I accept I'm in the minority and perhaps I am too relaxed about it but i just don't understand why it would affect someone to the point of upsetting them and not just thinking "that was a bit weird oh well"! Maybe my logic (or lack of as you may think!) is that the comments on bump size seem to be not actual to do with the person who has the bump, it's almost like it's own entity so people don't think it's offensive to say things. I'm not someone who comments on bump size or child size and the rest of it, and believe me I've had all of it with dd, but i just don't understand how it gets to people when it's not personally insulting, but I accept this is not normal haha!!

[samthewolf]

Saying that I also didn't mind the hey fatty / big bum type jokes (gained 4 stone) as they were in good humour by people I actually knew so I am probably just under sensitive for want of a better phrase by the looks of things!

[Brabra]

No, I didn't get out of bed the wrong side. I just can't get understand getting worked up about being fat because you are pregnant. Duhhhh. The comebacks I refer to are your pathetic fantasy ones! And why do comments have to be positive to you?

[weebairn]

It is kind of the manner in which it is said too. This guy at work said to me when I was very obviously pregnant, "you are getting fat, eh?" - but he said it with a huge grin and looked really pleased for me and we have had 4am chats about our kids before on night shifts and I just grinned back and said, "yes, too many donuts!" rubbing my bump and took it for what it was, a slightly clumsy way of acknowledging I was pregnant.

Whereas someone else can say something that sounds ok on paper but they say it in such a sneering way it's upsetting.

I am also a bit oversensitive when pregnant

[GingerRodgers]

Brabra, because negative comments are rude and can be upsetting? Why would you want to say something negative to someone else? Nothing nice to say, don't say anything.
You come on my thread, knowing something has upset me and rather than think 'well I don't agree but whatever I'll leave them to it' basically tell me I'm wrong for feeling the way I do and IM the pathetic one?! Get a grip and stop commenting on threads if you can't be nice.
This isn't AIBU, it's the pregnancy section for advice and support.

[Brabra]

Oh my gosh. Yes you are right! She was an awful bitch! You simply must tell her! Is that better? And could you tell me the outcome if you do?

[May24]

I think these kind of people probably don't intend to make pregnant women feel bad about body image and weight but their busybodying certainly can cause alarm. On that basis alone they should think about the womans feelings and the fact they may be raising anxiety levels. But there's just something about pregnancy , babies and young kids that makes people outside just have to stick their oar in. Just laugh it off and ignore as best you can. Silly people.

[ithoughtofitfirst]

These comments can be innocent enough but they can really hit a nerve. Everyone keeps telling me i'm smaller this time. Nope. Fundal height measures exactly the same for dates I.e. exactly what it should be. Thank you for your concern. I don't know why I find it so irritating!

The only thing you can do to protect yourself is let it go in one ear and out the other. Or try to!