If your MIL said this to you, how would you react?

[StarsInTheNightSky]

"As soon as he's born I'll want to see him a lot, and you'll have to hand him straight over to me. I get very possessive and I'm not going to like seing you holding him, I want to be the one feeding and cuddling him."

So, how would you react to this?
A bit of background, it wasn't said in jest or even in a humourous way, but very seriously and firmly to me, as if I were a naughty child being given a talking to. I'm 33 weeks pregnant, will be having an ELCS at 39 weeks and will be formula feeding (physically can't bf). To add some context, MIL sees another family baby 3-4 times per week and always thinks that isn't often enough.

DH and I are private people, and although this will be our first DC, we've had losses before and we want some time to ourselves to enjoy our family unit when our baby arrives. We had told family that we will have no visitors for the first two - three weeks (and no visitors at hospital) and they all seemed to accept this happily, which I was a bit suspicious about as I didn't think it would be a popular decision. Then I get this from MIL.

In response, I laughed and acted as if she'd been joking, I said firmly "good luck with that as DH and I are very possessive too!". DH then explained very firmly that she wasn't so much as to try to touch our baby without my permission, and that all contact etc would be strictly on our terms. MIL seemed to back down and agreed, but I'm a bit .

We (DH and I) usually have a good relationship with MIL, however she has tried unsucessfully to throw her weight around in the past and bully DH and/or I, and for the first few years of us being together she was a nightmare and really resented me for taking DH away from her. Not sure why as he is the complete opposite of a mummy's boy and their relationship was already on very rocky ground before I came into his life.
Her starring moment was when, two days after I'd had a terrible accident and was paraplegic and critically ill in hospital, she phoned my parents and told them that she "didn't want any son of hers saddled with a cripple for life" and that they should make me leave DH as it it would look bad on her to have a cripple for a daughter in law.
This was after she'd spoken to DH and tried to get him to leave me as I was apparently "good for nothing now". She was told where to go in no uncertain terms by DH, who refused to have anything more to do with her after that, and my parents (who had a recording device on their telephone as they'd been getting a lot of harrassment calls, so they played DH and I the tape of her phonecall.) I have since learnt to walk again, despite being told I'd be paraplegic for life, but it look a long long time, and DH was my carer and my absolute rock through it all.
DH still hasn't forgiven her, but as time went by I tried to patch things up so that we were all on good (ish) terms as it's just easier and nicer all round, and I am usually a forgiving person. Things have generally been pretty pleasant since. This was on the strict condition that if she ever put a toe out of line again, then we go non contact for good.

Sorry, that was longer that I thought it would be! Didn't want to drip feed though. So back to the original question, how would you feel about that? I feel pretty affronted but also feel that it was a really surreal and weird thing to say, and for some reason I can't get it out of my head, so I guess I'm just trying to get my mind around it.

[findingherfeet]

I'd be furious with this (let alone the other comments which are beyond belief) I think she should consider herself very lucky to have a continuing relationship with you at all.

I found it unbearable to hand her over my first born for any length of time (newborn stage) let anyone else feed her, I am more relaxed with my second and far less anxious. But hormones/anxiety and sleep deprivation certainly makes me a possessive and protective mumma!

It's entirely your choice about the three weeks of alone time with baby, only thing is you will undoubtedly be so delighted with your little one, that you might want to show him off and share the experience with your loved ones. Family members might also be willing to help out in those tough early days....but there's no harm visits being on your terms.

Ignore your MiL nonsense and leave it to hubs to stand up to her IMO.

[CbeebiesIsAboutToPop]

I've just read the fist paragraph with my mouth hanging open! stars tell her to fuck right off!

[RAFWife12]

From what you have said, it sounds like she is an alcoholic. She won't improve until she is sober.
At first I thought, just laugh it off but be firm. Reading more of your posts, I'm afraid I have to agree with others who say no contact is the way to go. You have to make sure your child is safe. As it is your DH who is related to her, I think he has the right to make the decision here. He has known her far longer and has more experience of dealing with her. If he wants out, then that is his choice. He may regret it in the future, but then he can reach out to her again. I admire you for wanting to keep contact open, but honestly your childs safety is the paramount importance and she doesn't sound like a safe person to have around.

[angelos02]

I would have cut all contact forever after her disgusting comments to your parents after your accident. That was unforgivable.

[BigBoobiedBertha]

Ithoughtofitfirst - did you read all the thread? I know Star says in her OP that is all as she doesn't want to drip feed but there is so much more.

Her MIL goes way beyond interfering. She is mentally ill. I know you shouldn't diagnose over the Internet and we only have the OP's side of the story but even if half of what she says is true, the MIL is beyond reverse psychology and a bit of artful manipulation.

[ithoughtofitfirst]

Mine is a bit of an intefering arse ache too. I honestly think half the time they are envious that you are enjoying such a lovely experience and they feel territorial over 'their' grandchild.

We just humour ours now so she feels involved and needed. It gets her off our backs. Reverse psychology works a charm!

[Marcipex]

What Gallstonecowboy said.
She is toxic.
Your accounts of her behaviour are appalling.

[saranga]

"if I give up on her she won't have anyone else left to try to help her save herself"
She is not your responsibility, she never was, never will be and you shouldn't feel like she is.

[BigBoobiedBertha]

I would be worried that she is going to snatch your baby. She sounds unhinged enough. I didn't put this in my first post as it does sound a bit melodramatic but reading some of the other posts on here and some of your comments again, I reckon it is a real danger.

[alita7]

My advice would be to not leave her alone with your child, ever. Always be in a situation where you could remove the child from her presence immediately. She has been violent and emotionally abusive in the past and she sounds mental... you have no idea what she would do in front of your child or what she would do to your child in order to be manipulative, or how she would manipulate your child as they get older. Trust your protective instinct!

[saranga]

If she's an alcoholic she won't change until she stops boozing. She sounds nasty and dangerous and no amount of wishing that she'll be a better person or a better mother is going to make her one.

I would cut off contact with her.

[BigBoobiedBertha]

'the rest of your family' that should say.

I think your parents are going to get a barage of calls or worse too.

[BigBoobiedBertha]

Good grief. I started off reading your OP thinking laughing it off was the way to go but she isn't at all well is she?

I think non-contact is the way to go too. If this is what your DH wants then I think you have to let him be the one to decide. It isn't your family and you can't fix this. I know you want to, probably because that is what you have trained to do and your are a lovely person, but you don't have the right relationship with her to make any difference and I would worry about your safety to be quite honest.

Really, don't keep patching this up. You are on a hiding to nothing and I think it would be kinder for your DH, and to the rest of your too, to let it go. If you think things are bad now, I suspect they will get a whole lot worse when the baby is here - she will get madder and your DH will be even more protective and you will be suffering the hormonal and physical roller coaster that comes with giving birth. Nip it in the bud now and have nothing more to do with her.

Good luck Stars and I hope you get little oasis of calm you are hoping for and you deserve.

[RabbitFromAHat]

Stars, you both sound like really lovely people, you know, and a fantastic team. I wish you all the joy in the world from your new baby and I think it sounds like you can both work together to create appropriate boundaries, and if needs be, cut contact. Just don't let her guilt you.

[GallstoneCowboy]

It never fails to baffle me how people can describe the most horrendous behaviour by clearly VILE people, and then follow it up with comments like "....oh but we don't go NC because she can be lovely when she wants to be..."

I hear Hitler was a huge animal lover and Harold Shipman was devoted to his wife

[StarsInTheNightSky]

Gennz I'm sorry but that did make me laugh! FGS, chunky and a size 10?! . Thank you, I think arms length is the way to go.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support, it really does help to talk about it and it been very reassuring for meto hear everyones' opinions, I really appreciate everyone taking the time to post. I'd better be off to my hospital appointment now x.

[StarsInTheNightSky]

Friend and Rabbit thank you. I do feel bad for posting the background, but I did want to try to show that there was a bit more to it than it would seem at first glance.

hubba I'm not sure about that but thank you. Really sorry to hear your husband suffered too and yes, I am extremely proud of my DH, he is an absolutely amazing, strong man, which is nothing short of a miracle given his upbringing .

[Gennz]

OMFG OP, I am I thought my MIL was bad!! (Me, feigning interest in her golf game: "Hmm I've never played much golf, I don't think I'd be very good at it" Her: "Oh you should give it a try There are lots of chunky women on the golf course!" I am a size 10.)

ANYWAY. She sounds crackers and I think you have taken the right approach. Keep her at arm's length and don't let her visit (a) regularly or (b) without calling first.

[StarsInTheNightSky]

Mignonette thank you, and I'msorry to hear you had a rough situation. I have been thinking that I ought to stop playing the peace-maker, I just didn't want to give upon the hope of her changing, and as you say, hurting the nice part of her. No, I won't be at all surprised if DH says enough is enough, he's been leaning more andmore that way all through my pregnancy. If that's what he wants I'll support him completely, I just wanted him to have thought about it rather than it being a reactionary response to her saying something stupid, if that makes sense.

Imperial because she isn't all bad, and I make sure I see her when she hasn't been drinking, and she really is lovely then.

Inertia I'm no shrinking violet with my head in the sand and I'm certainly not naive. I am very aware though that if I give up on her she won't have anyone else left to try to help her save herself. That's what I struggle with, I don't want to give up on her. That being said, where I draw the line is the first sign of anything untowards after DS is born, as no matter how much I want to try to help, I will never allow DSto be in harms way.

Squiz thanks, sadly she's refused all mental health help which has been offered. I am a qualified counsellor (had career change a few years ago though) and have been trying to informally help her (and we have made some, albeit a little headway) and I suppose that's part of the reason I want to keep trying to help her. She has managed to alienate most other people, so I'm actually the closest to her.

Itsfab I know how difficult it must be for DH and my parents, and that does break my heart, but she isn't a well lady (mentally I mean, although issues are undiagnosed) and whilst I will do everything to protect DH, DS and I from her, I can't find it in me to judge her too harshly for what she's said and done. I know, and I'm going to back off from persuading DH and support him in what he decides, I have only been trying to do what I thought was right, but perhaps I shouldn't have intervened as much.

[hubbahubster]

She sounds like a loon. You, on the other hand, sound amazing.

You definitely seem to have this covered and your DH sounds like a dream, which is amazing given his clearly-terrible upbringing. My DH suffered similar (although nowhere near as extreme – his father was a violent alcoholic) and has also come out the other side as an amazingly well-balanced human being, I'm so proud to have him as my children's father – sure you will be too :)

[RabbitFromAHat]

I don't understand why you would want to see her or have her around your child at all? I can't tell you how much sympathy I have for you, this goes way beyond 'normal' MIL/DIL friction and into something much more sinister and destructive.

[FriendofDorothy]

She sounds horrendous. I would definitely closely supervise her and to be honest I would be tesmpted to go no contact with her for everyone's sanity!

[Itsfab]

If someone did any of these things to me there would be nothing "lovely" they could do that would make the abuse okay.

[Itsfab]

You have been the most hurt by her actions but it must be agony for your loved ones to see you putting yourself in the firing line for more abuse.

It isn't for you to try and make/keep a relationship with his mother for your DH and if he wants to go NC then you are wrong to force the opposite tbh.