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Pregnancy

Does it make me a bad person?

62 replies

beth27123 · 12/05/2013 17:50

That I want to FF? I have no problem with women breastfeeding, and if I thought it was best for my dc then I would but after a long chat with OH we think Formula will be best for both me and our future child? I am happy with this decision but feel like a terrible person?

OP posts:

Report

lolalotta · 13/05/2013 22:02

Agree with poster who said don't rule breast feeding out. I totally intended to FF my dd when she arrived, even told my midwife outright before hand as I didn't want the pressure after delivery (was planing a home birth) then she was born and it so happened that it just worked for us and I LOVED it, so much so I fed her until she was 2! I never imagined that happening in a million years, i had even bought the bottles/ steriliser/ formula...you just don't know how you might feel when baby arrives. Whatever your decision, enjoy your little baby!

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2013 21:18

If you look at my other posts, BabyH I agree with you in this case. OP has her reasons and that's great. However, I have seen other people in these boards saying things about BF or FF that are untrue and those things get challenged.

On the happy mummy = happy baby thing... I agree about a lot of it. There are some times it is untrue. I would have been a bloody happy mummy leaving DD to CIO for the two years she decided to never sleep. However, I would have had an unhappy baby.

I also really object to the words Nazi and BF in the same sentence

BabyHMummy · 13/05/2013 20:19

mrsterrypratchet had the op been asking for opinions on ff v bf then your point is valid. The fact she states she has made her choice but is worries about other ppl making her feel bad for that choice means that ppl having a go or pushing her to "try it" or "wait and see how you feel at time" are unhelpful and unsolicited.

Quite frankly the only statement should have been "do what is best for you" and "don't let ppl make you feel bad"

I have medical reasons why I can't bf and tbh I wouldn't be attempting it regardless of those issues. I don't really care what other ppl think although I am concerned about the bf Nazi brigade at my local hospital because of other friends experiences. I am making a choice for me and my baby AMD quite frankly "happy mummy = happy baby" is the only consideration for any decision regardless of whether happy mummy = bf or = ff

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2013 19:43

Really grinds my gears when a mum to be posts here of her intention to FF and people come along saying oh just try it, oh are you not going to even give the colostrum?? Seen it a fair few times over recent weeks.

I get that but I also don't want to be on a forum where someone states something and everyone just says "happy mummy happy baby" and "you do what's right for you, hun" Surely people post here because they actually want honest, sometimes uncensored, opinions.

Phineyj · 13/05/2013 18:35

Oh also no of course FF doesn't make you a bad person. Not feeding your baby at all would be bad...the rest is just detail.

Phineyj · 13/05/2013 18:34

Do what's best for you and lie about it if necessary! That will save having to explain personal stuff to everyone with a strong opinion. Luckily, we live in a country where FF is safe and easy to do.

And my DH really enjoys making bottles. The sciency side of it appeals to him and he likes measuring stuff.

FoofFighter · 13/05/2013 18:25

Really grinds my gears when a mum to be posts here of her intention to FF and people come along saying oh just try it, oh are you not going to even give the colostrum?? Seen it a fair few times over recent weeks.

Back the frig off!

OP, do what you want, it's completely up to you, who cares what randoms on the net think?

Teaandflapjacks · 13/05/2013 17:52

BoyMeetsWorld I salute you - could not have put it better myself.

justmeunderanothername · 13/05/2013 17:26

I don't understand why you would feel like a terrible person. In my experience the people in hospital/midwives will be absolutely fine with you choosing to FF and will probably positively reinforce the idea that you do.

BoyMeetsWorld · 13/05/2013 17:24

It is good to get both sets of opinions. But the vehemence in some of these posts is exactly what makes the bf issue a hotbed.

People often don't even stop to consider the many complicated personal issues which could be behind somebody's choice not to bf before they start preaching.

For what it's worth - however much you "can't argue with scientific fact", I also would argue that nowadays there are a ton of things we do relating to parenting which aren't the 'natural' cave-dwelling way of doing it. There are many chemically enhanced, electronic creations which have replaced the 'norm'. There are a ton of vaccinations, supplements, tests, scans and interventions from pregnancy throughout childhood. None receive quite the same ear bashing as bf'ing.

It may not be 'natural' but there's no evidence that it's detrimental. The modern woman has a choice - and sometimes when it's a choice involving very personal feelings about herself, it's one she's perfectly entitled to make.

Rant over. Good luck Beth, whatever you decide.

Fancydrawers · 13/05/2013 13:57

Sparkle - no I missed it, and for that I apologise. But no woman should be made to feel bad about a choice at such a vulnerable time.

beth27123 · 13/05/2013 10:36

Thank you everyone, please don't flame the more negative posters I fully expected them and its good to see another side. I really appreciate all your thoughts and kind words.

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 13/05/2013 10:28

Fancydrawers - did you read my second post? I had started writing my first, left the computer for a while, came back, finished and posted without refreshing. I hadn't seen the OP's subsequent posts where she outlines her precise circumstances. I'm far, far from a perfect parent but it doesn't change the facts of the feeding heirarchy, I'm sorry to say. Try not to take scientific facts personally - they're neutral. It doesn't mean that one can't make decisions along with another set of facts (i.e. the OP's personal history) that is therefore different to one indicated solely by a single set.

Teaandflapjacks · 13/05/2013 10:28

OP - you do what you want and tell anyone who gives you grief to sod off - firmly.

Teaandflapjacks · 13/05/2013 10:27

Midori Er plenty thanks. With respect there are certain foods one should avoid whilst bfing, you can't just 'eat what you want'.... This is trial and error for each baby - some things give them shocking wind, for example. You must be careful with caffeine, and alcohol. I have, as mentioned, cut this out completely in my pregnancy. Really a small glass between feeds (1-2 units) - I personally do not want to drink any more than that, and you really shouldn't have more IMO. Nowhere does it say, and no doctor has ever said 'have several drinks and then bf' - There is stacks of info on this, and any medical professional can advise. It passes from milk to the baby - yes in very small amounts, but I can't think any alcohol at all is good for a baby, let alone a child - common sense tells me that.

www.mumsnet.com/babies/foods-to-avoid-while-breastfeeding

And this is to do with the OP - not me!!!

Midori1999 · 13/05/2013 07:58

OP of course it doesn't make you a bad person, but the fact you even have to ask suggests that perhaps you should try and discuss your feelings about it with your midwife. It comes across to me as you may r aren't convinced FF is best at all, but more that you won't be able to manage to BF as you mention you may be able to/want to do it with 100% privacy. If that's wrong of course, please feel free to ignore me!

Teaandflapjacks you may know your own mind, but do you know much about breastfeeding? Such as you can eat whatever you want while doing it and you can also have several drinks too, certainly as many as you'd want to have whilst caring for a baby even if you weren't breastfeeding and for the times you want to drink more than that and have someone else care for the baby, you can give expressed milk or formula until you are safe to feed again.

Fancydrawers · 13/05/2013 07:48

Startail, sparkle - why don't you both fuck off. I'm sure you're both perfect parents (not a hint of sarcasm there, nope) you are shit.

OP perhaps try and get some help with your issues, if you want to, but ultimately if you are happy with your decision then that's great - I wish you all the best with your family.

Layl77 · 13/05/2013 07:07

Regardless of the feeding I think you should seek some help regarding your issues with your body. Don't feel guilty about it you can't help how you feel, however this is clearly affecting your life in white a big way.
I agree you may want to try once hormones have kicked in, it may be kind of therapeutic for you as it's not a sexual thing at all it's empowering way to use your body.
Good luck.

pumpkinsweetie · 13/05/2013 06:47

This doesn't make you a bad person op. Fwiw i have FF all 4 of my dc, with pfb didn't even try to BF, or with dd2, but i did give it a try with dc3 & dc4. It wasn't for me, i did give dc3 & 4 the most important colostrum, but after a week my nipples were so sore, i wasn't getting any help and tbh BF wasn't for me unfortunetly.
I think it is good to make the decision whether you are BF or not beforehand as it stops the guilt if you fail, as i felt so guilty with my last two babies. I'm pregnant with dc5 and have decided already like you that FF is best for me and baby and i don't feel bad. All my dc are healthy and loved and that is all that matters.

GirlOutNumbered · 13/05/2013 06:17

Do as you want but in future, I wouldn't ask opinions on here, or anywhere else for that matter. It will only make you feel shit.

Hakluyt · 13/05/2013 06:09

"And good luck with getting your DP to help with bottles. Mine was hopeless at cleaning them."

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2013 05:40

If you have an issue with your breasts it is a no-brainer. Don't beat yourself up.

FWIW I think some of the vitriol about it isn't vitriol at all. People are remarkably under-informed about breastfeeding and people want them to have all the facts before they make a 'bad' decision based on cobblers. In your case, you know it will make you feel uncomfortable so don't worry.

The only caveat to that is if you want to talk to someone about your breast issues. It is possible that breastfeeding could 'reclaim' your breasts for you if the past issues are ones that you could deal with in this way. No idea unless you talk to a bloody specialised counsellor.

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ripsishere · 13/05/2013 05:30

And good luck with getting your DP to help with bottles. Mine was hopeless at cleaning them.

ripsishere · 13/05/2013 05:29

IMVHO, you do what is best for both you and the baby.
If BFing will stress you, you'll have a stress baby. I was unable to BF, I did try really hard, but nothing came out. I was told I was a failure because I not only couldn't feed my baby, I had her by ELCS .
My DD was quite light when she was born, she got thinner and thinner, I got more and more upset. DH decided enough was enough and spoke to a doctor. He needed to get a prescription for her bottles (overseas).
It was the best moment of her life when she finally got some food. I continued to FF until she was one then she started on cows milk.
She is a happy, healthy intelligent 12 year old now.
Go with what suits you.

KingRollo · 13/05/2013 05:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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