Helping Dad be more involved

[swaye]

My hubby is feeling left out and i dont know what to do to make him feel involved. Have you experienced the same or got any suggestions to help him feel more part of it? Im 14 weeks today.

[Bunbaker]

"Have you experienced the same"

Not at all. OH's view is that it is women who have babies and he just let me get on with it.

[ZenNudist]

Get him thinking about names?

You could get him to look into prams& carseats. Buy baby monitor perhaps a steriliser. Or a nice baby bouncer and baby gym. Even the muslin cloths!

My dh had his app that showed him what size the baby was & how it had developed.

[seeker]

Or marry a grown up?

[Numberlock]

I'm reading 'feeling left out' as 'nose out of joint that you're the centre of attention'. Just how much is there to be involved in at 14 weeks anyway?

[Msbluesky32]

Hey ladies, let's not get carried away here everyone's relationships are different.

Seeker I think we got the point the first time

[swaye]

Thank you Msbluesky32 If you knew the circumstances you would not be judging. I can't divulge because they are private and it is not necessary for the thread.

There are some brilliant suggestions - I have just downloaded an app to his tablet, Im making him a gadget list and ive printed a diary for all the dates so he can be in charge. He's responding well :-))

[swaye]

Numberlock - I see your point and i thought the same for a moment but emotionally there is a lot to be involved with.

[Numberlock]

You mean he's just not showing any interest or he's indifferent? Or wants to be involved but doesn't know how?

It all sounds odd to be honest and you've got months of this to come.

[swaye]

He's feeling left out and wants to be involved. Please don't judge him, he can't help it. If i could share the reasons you would understand.

I think the suggestions from everyone are really great and I can see that he is responding to them.

[HavingALittleFaithBaby]

There's a huge difference between not being involved and struggling with feeling isolated. At 14 weeks, OP will be feeling all the symptoms but not really showing. He can't feel any kicks or anything for weeks. If there's other background stuff, I imagine it could be tough for him. OP asked for constructive advice to help him feel more involved which she's got and will try to implement. Job done!

[mrsbugsywugsy]

dp had the baby centre app on his phone, and liked telling me what the baby was supposed to be doing that day. he is into his music and played his favourite tunes to the bump.

in labour he was in charge of the tens machine, controlling the settings to see what worked best.

[Bunbaker]

"dp had the baby centre app on his phone, and liked telling me what the baby was supposed to be doing that day. he is into his music and played his favourite tunes to the bump."

I must admit that I find this level of involvement a bit odd. This kind of technology wasn't around when I was pregnant so maybe that is why I can't get my head around it.

[Phineyj]

Ruckandroll can't you do evening antenatal classes or one of those intensive weekends? I wouldn't have wanted to take four Friday afternoons off work myself, never mind ask DH to...

OP, I can't say my DH was terribly fascinated by pregnancy but he did do useful stuff like research and purchase a suitable buggy/carseat and change our car for one to transport DD and her stuff in easily. The Haynes 'baby manual' is good.

[DaveMccave]

If I read an interesting article on a blog or website about parenting/pregnancy research I email him the link, send photos of baby clothes I've bought, or a link to a name definition on a name website, funny pregnancy updates, funny songs about pregnancy/birth etc

[fatandlumpy]

My OH is on a the Aspergers spectrum and so I think it's not too much effort for me to recognise that perhaps he doesn't quite 'get' what's going on sometimes, or indeed, feel a bit confused and scared. He's frequently freaked about squishing bump when we cuddle or hug and he hates it when I roll on my front (even for a second!) or press against a table or counter. So I know he cares about what's inside. But he didn't really like touching/stroking bump or talking to it (because he couldn't engage with something he could not see).

Hence - I figured a wee bit more effort in his direction would not have killed me. Letting him decided whether or not we knew the sex (for me) was a trivial thing.

After he found out the gender (last week) the change has been palpable... he even kissed the bump last night and referred to it as 'son'.

Perhaps I've molly-coddled him...

Perhaps I should have told him him to 'grow some' and 'man-up'.

I'm glad I didn't.

Yes - I have a man-child at home.... but he bakes like a dream and makes his own pasta. He's also got OCD and has always insisted on doing all the housework (as I don't do it right).

He has his moments, but then, all men do... Every relationship is different. I'm loving there's a Haynes manual for Babies. I'm off to get it for OH.

[Msbluesky32]

fatandlumpy Your house must be immaculate - jealous! If you ever feel like sending him my way my DP could do with a few pointers on cleaning and cooking before ours arrives!

[fatandlumpy]

MsBluesky32 - the house is STERILE.... :(

Be careful what you wish for. I have come home to:

a) All my books being rearranged on the shelf according to size and colour.

b) About 4 bin-liners full of my clothes that he didn't see me wear for a couple of months (and so he thought I should get rid of).

c) Ditto shoes

d) Also various face-creams/shampoo's/soap gift sets from friends, includes PERFUME!

... cries

[Msbluesky32]

Oh... oh dear. I'm very sorry

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

at seeker. The only one i did was to let him fetch me a glass of water after I'd puked.

Let him choose the pram seriously? Will he be a sahd and use it every day?

My DH was brilliant. I was really ill when pg with no1 and he just did everything, cooking, cleaning, gardening etc and carried on once Lo arrived. If I'd had to keep a dairy I would probably have rammed it down his throat.

6am. Woke up on bathroom floor again, freezing cold
7am run to bathroom
8am DH wakes me up, helps me into bed and makes sure I have everything I need
10am start puking again
12pm wake up on bathroom floor again.

You get the picture.

If he wants to be involved, enrol on nct classes so he can meet some other dads and make sure he's at the scans.

[noblegiraffe]

I'm with seeker, I don't understand if he wants to be more involved why you are downloading apps to his tablet. Can't he download his own apps?

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Yes that is an interesting one isn't it giraffe.

[Numberlock]

To me the whole thing sounds like how to make a toddler feel involved in preparing for a new arrival but each to their own I guess.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

If he really wants to be involved, get him to find out when the nct nearly new sales are in your area, and get him to take you.

Get him to read this, this and Baby Calming by Caroline Deacon. Has he joined Dadsnet too?

[swaye]

Fatandlumpy, i think i have your DH's twin! Thanks for your comments i know exactly what you mean. My DH is very caring and wonderful, an excellent cleaner and now a baker too! I wouldn't change him for the world. I have bought th Haynes baby book :-) Thank you xx

To everyone else who has nothing better to do than to be bitchy, SHAME ON YOU!! [shocked]