Working mums...

[Basketcase28]

For financial reasons, it's necessary that i return to work fairly soon after the birth of my child. By fairly soon, i'm thinking of possibly 4 months after. 6 months if we can survive on the statutory maternity pay for that long.
I feel absolutely wretched about this. :-(

I'm in a stable relationship, and this is our first child. Very, very much wanted. I tried unsuccessfully for 7 years before conceiving (polycystic ovaries) and discovered i was 5 weeks pregnant during a scan to further investigate my infertility (ho ho ho). I'm now 18 weeks pregnant.
My partner and i both work full time, and whilst we are not very high earners, we have always managed. We don't have extravagent lifestyles and are cutting back already as much as we can, however, it's obvious that we can not survive for long on just his wage and the SMP.

I've looked into nurseries, and it's looking to be about £860 per month, and it's making me feel quite resentful that we'll be paying someone to effectively raise our child, when i make a great deal more than that monthly.
I do want to return to work eventually, and i do enjoy my job, and would miss it, but the thought of having to leave my baby at such a young age is heartbreaking.

We don't have any family to help out either as all my family are in Scotland, and his live over 3 hours drive away. We have no real close friends either.

I'm a bit clueless when it comes to things like finances and entitlements, but i'd be interested to hear how other working mums cope with leaving their child.
The thought of it is really upsetting me. :-(

[FindingMyMojo]

I would like to share my really positive experience with CM.

I was lucky enough to have 8 months maternity leave. Well I say lucky but DP & I were not together & he was behaving badly so I was planning as a single Mum. About halfway through my pregnancy I rented out my flat & moved into a shared house with friends where rent/costs etc was much cheaper & I had company. Thankfully it worked out really well for us all. It also ment I could get through the 8 months on stat maternity pay and some savings. It turned out I spent a lot less than I had thought I would which was a blessing.

Through word of mouth I found our CM. I wasn't too keen on a nursery though one was very close. The CM I found (only one I met with) was so lovely. She clicked with DD & clicked with me & DP (who had sorted himself out & now was back with us). I made a huge difference to my return to work & we are still with the same CM now & DD is nearly 3. She is like DD's 2nd Mum. Now some ladies might not like that, but for me it is wonderful & it makes all the difference knowing I am leaving DD with someone who is not only professional & well trained, but really genuinely cares for DD. It's a mutual love.

I bonded well with DD & despite her strong ties to CM I don't feel that this takes anything at all away from our relationship.
It makes a huge difference to my working day to know DD is in responsible, caring & loving hands.

I spend one third of my annual take home pay on childcare. DP earns just above minimum wage - so yes its tough. We don't get any help from govt & we live in one bed flat still. But we are happy, DD is happy. We live frugally, I buy almost everything for DD (& myself) from ebay or Primark. We've managed a holiday the last 2 years staying with family abroad, but as far as saving for the future or to buy a 2 bed flat goes, its tough. It will get better/easier when DD starts nursery in January - well it would apart from DC2 being on the way so actually it's going to get a heck of a lot worse. I don't know how much maternity leave I'm going to manage next year, but I'm scrimping & saving now to supplement DP's tiny wage & my maternity leave. Fingers crossed DP doesn't lose his job after Octobers Government Spending Review.

When I got pregnant with DD I was so stressed - my wise younger sister (single mum since 19) said to me "be cool, it will all work out OK" - and she was right then. Its a good motto.

[whizzymummy]

Hi new to the thread but thought I'd post when I saw the title.
If I could just add to the last post - it's not an option for everyone but in some areas you could also try sharing a nanny which can work out similar in cost to a childminder or nursery. It seems to be popular in London where I live and I know loads of people who have made it work with the first child when returning to work.
I have two DC and when my first was born I really wanted to return to work part time (3 days) but didn't like any of the nurseries I saw and couldn't afford a nanny. I was lucky enough to find another family who had one child and we ended up sharing a nanny - so the two kids were looked after on the same days by the nanny in one of our houses and we split the cost. After I had maternity leave for my DD we actually then ended up doing another nanny share with the same nanny, so nanny looked after our two and another little boy. The families just worked out how to share the costs. I suppose for our nanny it was not very different to having a family with 3 kids.
Anyway, it's not for everyone as you have more admin (relating to tax etc) to do whereas a childminder does their own.
I consider myself really lucky a few years on from having my DS who is now nearly 5 - I have moved jobs since my return to work after DD and my DH had a promotion and now we earn enough to pay a nanny on our own. It is such a luxury and we can only afford it because we both can get childcare vouchers (you can pay ofsted registered nannies with CCVs) - I know it won't be like this forever, one day when my DC are in school we may actually take home some of my income beyond paying childcare and travel.
I now work 4 days a week and love it - being a SAHM wasn't for me. I love my days at work and then have 3 treasured days with the DC.
Good luck all of you considering your options.

[foxinsocks]

Hi

I just want to tell you my experience so feel free to ignore if you wish.

I work FT and went back to work when dd was 4 months old (I've since had ds).

It may sound awful (!) but for me, it wasn't as hard emotionally as I thought it would be. What I found difficult was how tired I was (physically as much as emotionally). Dd wasn't sleeping through then and I was virtually comatose for the first few months I was back at work. I mean literally comatose, like falling asleep in the toilet, that tired.

My biggest mistake though was using a nursery. Dd, being my first child, had up to that point, barely had a sniffle. The minute she started at the nursery, she got conjunctivitis and was off for 10 days (they wouldn't let her back till it had gone). Then she had a runny tummy and I had to pick her up. Then she got a stomach bug....and it went on and on and on.

The problem I found with nurseries, is that if you are sending a small baby there, they pick up absolutely everything going. This had such a massive impact on me working that for a while I had to give up as we too had no other adults to cover for us, other than myself or dh and it was a massive strain on us.

If I could do it all again, I wouldn't put a baby so young in a nursery. I know that for some people it's their only option but with hindsight, I felt it was the wrong decision. Childminders will have other children with them but not as many as a nursery will have (in terms of germs spreading).

I now work full time (as does dh) but we have a nanny and even though it does cost a lot, the peace of mind it has given us is huge. I know a nanny can't be an option for everyone due to cost, but don't rule out a childminder over a nursery. If I could do my time again, I would have done it differently.

[WhatWillSantaBring]

Whilst I haven't really thought too much about what childcare arrangements will be when I go back to work (mostly because we don't know where we'll be living at the time), I have a lot of sympathy (and empathy) for those of us who don't live near family. Almost all the working mums I know have parents or PILs to help with childcare - even if its just a case of them to fill in the gap between the nursery and home (e.g. if you have to work late).

As I don't have this grandparent luxury (too old AND too far away) I'm going to spend a good chunk of my ML building friendships with other mums in the hope that I can build an informal emergency network. There are enough women around who don't live near parents that there must be lots of people in the same situation.

To the OP all I can really say is try not to worry about things you can't control. I'm sure you will manage somehow, even if it is hard. Despite what a lot of the doom-mongers say in the media, I really cannot believe that your child will suffer from going into childcare at an early age, and your bond won't be affected. Definitely use any childcare vouchers on offer from your or your DP's employers - remember you can start claiming them as soon as the baby is born, and from a tax POV it makes so much sense to do so.

[cuteboots]

I had to go back to work about six weeks after having my son as I just couldnt afford not to being a single mum. I paid £800 a month but this has now gone down as hes at school. I cried my heart out for the first week and felt such a total cow for leaving him but I just couldnt live on benefits.I have been very lucky in that my childminder is lovely and Ive never had any issues with her or the care she provides. My son is such a forward and happy little boy and she does so much stuff with all the children she looks after that I may have had doubts in the beggining but know I am doing the right thing. I dont think its ever easy and whatever choice you make it will never be an easy one

[1Catherine1]

I too have to do the responsible thing and return to work quite quickly.

My partner and I are lucky to a certain extent that we work opposite hours. We are looking at spending the next 5 years rarely seeing each other but it's going to save us a fortune. Since we don't earn a great deal between us and I am the main earner by over £10k a year I can't really afford to take more than 18 weeks maternity leave.

The plan so far is for me to out of the house from 8am to 4pm Monday to Friday. And him to be out of the house from 2:30pm to 2am Wednesday to Sunday. This leaves use with one and a half hours 3 days a week that I need to find somewhere for the LO to be. Being so far away from family and friends though I need to find something suitable. Any suggestions are welcome.

[Strix]

I am pregnant with baby number 3. I have worked out that I can afford to stay home for 2 or 3 months. I will return to work full time, with possible travel (home on the weekends). I am not happy about the travel with a young baby, but I may have to accept it because I can not afford to not work.

Unfortunately for me, nobody owes me anything. No government body is going to help me pay for childcare or food, or anything else I need along the way.

Such is life.

[slimyak]

Runningmonkey I agree with the Childcare voucher thing, it saves us alot. And registered childminders can be paid this way too.

If you can, you need to both register. With DH and I both paying tax we split the childcare bill and claim the full ammount of tax back. This is obviously dependant on whether your employer runs the scheme.

[slimyak]

When I had my DD I didn't know how I would feel, but soon realised I couldn't have left her at a young age. I'm in a similar situation as others and full time childcare plus the cost of me going to work pretty much took up my salary.

In the end I took a year off and the last 3 months of that was hard with nothing coming in from my side of things. Then I when back to work 3 days per week.

For me this worked out best. I kept my hand in with work and had another outlet, as I'm not cut out to be a full time SAHM. But I also avoided that feeling of working my ass off to pay someone else to raise my child.

We chose a childminder rather than nursery as we felt it kept that more homely feel and DD now goes to the Childminder and School nursery for 1/2 a day, which again I felt was a gentler ease into the big wide world. Here Childminders are a comparible price with nursery but alot more flexible - we pay for the hours we book not a day rate and with DH going into work early and me a bit later we can keep DD day shorter, costs down and still both do a full day at work.

Due DD2 in January and plan to follow the same route. It will probably be easier this time as DD1 will be at home with me and at School nursey in the afternoons so those costs disappear for a year and she will be in school full time when I go back to work.

It's awful when money has to be the main deciding factor for these things but I really felt that I would regret not spending the time with my child(ren) when they were young, it really does fly by.

[runningmonkey]

Sorry have only skim read first few posts so this might have been said but please look into childcare vouchers - really helps in our house as it comes out of salary before tax.

(That said I am worrying about forthcoming DC2 and how the hell we'll pay childcare!)

[Lulabel27]

Can I hijack this a little bit and ask people a general question about how much the difference is between childcar and salary which makes it worth while going back to work?

In Richmond childcare costs are astronomical, full time nursery will be £1,400 (childminders and nannies are more). This will mean after train season ticket I'll be bringing home £600. This will hit us hard. Obviously not as hard as not earning that £600 at all but wondered if it's worth the stress of getting the baby to nursery, getting the train, making sure i'm in work for 9 then leaving at 5 (this will be difficult in itself) to make sure I'm not late picking her up. And it's 40 minutes travel each way. (My DH works very long hours so it's out of the question he can help)

I really don't know what to do!

[Basketcase28]

Busybee - thanks for that. My main concern isn't financial (that's just a side issue - albeit a worrying one!) but is about the bond with my child. I know i'll feel horrible leaving my baby whilst she's so small and vulnerable (but i'll probably still feel that way during her first day at high school!) but one of my friends said that putting the baby into nursery earlier means that they become used to it, and it won't be such a shock to them, than if i did it when she was, say, 3 years old.
I dunno if she was just trying to make me feel better by saying that though.

However, i'm reassured by what you say about your bond not suffering, and as i've said, i do realise that it's more about how i use the time with my child, rather than how much of it there is.

[BusyBeeMommy]

Hiya, a late joiner here. I am a full time working mum. My DS who is now 3 has been going to nursery ( 5days a week, 07:30-05:30 ) since he was 7 months. We didnt have alot of choice, even now when I leave at nursery I feel guilty. He does full day as we do at work! however one thing I can say (atleast in our case ) the bond with Mummy and Daddy has never suffer. They do know to distinguish between family and carers and have their own places in their heart.

We always found our DS loves his carers, but outside of nursery no ones like Mummy and Daddy. I was really worried sick as you are, but the babies can handle amazingly well, with my second I would be very sad to leave home at nursery, but I am not worried. Hope that helps a bit...

One choice you could consider is Au-pair. My friend has au-pair at place and it has worked out very well..

[Basketcase28]

The main thing for me isn't really the money. Although, yeah, that obviously is an issue. My main worry is that with putting my baby into child care so young, will they be affected? Will my bond with them suffer? My head tells me that it's how i use the time with my baby that's important, no matter how much or little this time may be. But my heart tells me that i'm going to be heart broken if i miss the first time she takes a step or says a word. I do want to return to work. I manage a home for adults with learning disabilities and i really enjoy it, but unfortunately that line of work is not well paid! However, i know that we're financially better off than a lot of people so i shouldn't grumble or fret. But i am beginning to turn into a foaming mouth Daily Mail reader when it seems like my partner and i are being penalised for working!

[Basketcase28]

The main thing for me isn't really the money. Although, yeah, that obviously is an issue. My main worry is that with putting my baby into child care so young, will they be affected? Will my bond with them suffer? My head tells me that it's how i use the time with my baby that's important, no matter how much or little this time may be. But my heart tells me that i'm going to be heart broken if i miss the first time she takes a step or says a word. I do want to return to work. I manage a home for adults with learning disabilities and i really enjoy it, but unfortunately that line of work is not well paid! However, i know that we're financially better off than a lot of people so i shouldn't grumble or fret. But i am beginning to turn into a foaming mouth Daily Mail reader when it seems like my partner and i are being penalised for working!

[formerdiva]

Very sensible words from sotough. I spent my maternity leave with DD1 dreading the day I would have to return to work and leave her with someone else, but it turned out to be...well...quite nice really. Not many people brave enough to say that it can be a lovely balance.

Best of luck with it

[Cher87]

well thats even betteryou can work and still not have to ay child care! Im sure what ever you do will be the right choice for you! Good luck!

[saoirse86]

I'm just quite lucky (in a weird way) that I'm not used to earning much so live happily within my means (although DP earns about £27k so we're hardly poor!). Maybe you're right and I should stop whinging. I just quite enjoy working. I've just asked DP what he thinks and he said "why don't you just bring her to work with you?"

[Cher87]

Saoirse86 if I were you I would enjoy as much time at home with your DC as poss if you will literally be working to pay for child care.
Im seceretly jealous! :)

[saoirse86]

I currently earn about £140pw working 3 days in my partner's business and 1 day in a pub. Maternity allowance will pay me £127pw for 39 weeks so I'm going to take the full 39 weeks starting this week (I'm due on friday).
However, it's really hard to know what to do after the 9 months. I don't want to go back to work in the pub but wouldn't mind working the 3 days in my partner's business. This would mean I'll take home £115pw but putting my child in a nursery will cost £114pw for those 3 days.
I do want to go back to work and would prefer to work part time but I'll be no better off financially. I'm not qualified enough to get a job with higher pay either.
How does anyone get their head around all this enough to make a decision?!

[Cher87]

I totally understand how you feel and think you are well and truly entitled to have a rant! In fact Im going to join you!

I am 39+5 weeks and am now starting to think oh Sh*t how are we going to cope money wise! I earn more than DP and have luckily managed to save up some money over the last year so I know I have that but I really hate the fact that because I own my own house have a good job and pay my way I am unable to spend the time I would like at home caring for my son.
I am very lucky in that I have to give my work place notice to go back so I can return pretty much when I want within the next year but I know that I will have to go back sooner than I would like. I also havent even started to think of childcare costs etc :(

[websticks]

It is horrid having to leave a very young baby, When i had my son 12 years ago maternity leave was only 16 weeks.So he started nursery fulltime at 4 months old although it was horrid for me he didnt know any difference really as long as someone cuddled, changed and feed him he was happy. Its much easier to settle into nursery at that age than it is at 7,8,9 months when babies are much more clingy to mum by then.( i work in a nursery so have first hand experience of this)

[jammiedodger2]

Hiya
I could be wrong but I have a feeling that working tax credits with the childcare element should be able to help you out a bit. Also you'll have about £90 a month coming in from child benefit, not a huge amount, but every little helps. I am also a working mum but I reduced my hours after ds as it meant that we just sailed in under the threshold for working tax credits so got some help with childcare costs but also managed to stay afloat. that said we reckon we go into about £6000 in debt in the first five years with each child (can't believe we are doing it again!)They are worth it tho!
I would def look into whether part time work would be an option.
jx

[sotough]

hi there
first of all, six months off work may actually seem a lot longer with baby than you think it sounds now. each day is a very very long time with a tiny baby and if you don't have any family help (i didn't) going back to work can be a bit of a relief in some ways, much as you love your little one!
i took six months off and was reasonably happy about going back after that - having worked full time for 12 years or so, half a year at home really did seem an amazing and special time. so you might not find it as hard to go back as you imagine.
however, if the difference between your outgoings on childcare and your income after you return to work is really so marginal, and you feel so strongly about not going back so soon, then could you or your husband find imaginative other ways to make up the margin until you are ready to go back to the job? (rent out a room? sell stuff on ebay?)

[Mahraih]

DP and I are in the same situation - childcare doesn't cost much less than my salary - so ridiculous.

We're going to try and tough it out for 6 months on SMP and DP's salary. It should be just about manageable if we budget for absolutely everything.

The ideal solution is that DP gets a higher paying job, and that will tide us over until I go back to work - he's looking into it at the moment. I don't want to pressure him at all so am just keeping my fingers crossed that it goes well!

I'm also looking into working from home (part time job of some kind) but not sure if I can do that while on SMP - anyone know?!