Son won’t poo on toilet.

[Ma2019]

I have no ideas left of what to try. My 4 year old son has been ‘wee potty trained’ since roughly when he turned 3. He picked it up so quickly with little to no accidents. HOWEVER, he (for the very first time) when we were toilet training had constipation. It was really bad and basically associates that with pooing on the toilet. So he refuses to poo on the toilet now. He has done for over a year now. So he wears pants all day with no accidents but when he needs a poo he has to ask to have a nappy on so he can go. He is happy to do a stand up wee or a sit down wee so is not scared of the toilet. When he poos in a nappy he sits on the toilet to do it. But if you whip that nappy off he will hold it in for as long as needed so he won’t go. Problem is that just causes constipation again. So it’s a cycle we can’t break and have no idea what to do. He just says he’s scared and it’ll make him poorly and I really don’t want to pressure him.
Thanks for any advice or tips to try.
(not night time potty trained yet)

[cheeseandketchupsandwich]

If he sits on the toilet to poo while wearing a nappy, could you try slowly loosening it over time so eventually it's undone? If you get to that stage, maybe next let the nappy fall into the loo and let him poop on that

Otherwise, bribe him with whatever he loves

[frenchnoodle]

We did this;
Cut a hole in the nappy, so the poo falls through, slowly make the hole bigger over a few weeks, until the nappy is non-existent.

[Tatonka]

Gosh this is so common! There was a thread in AiBU a couple of weeks ago about someone's daughter, take a look at that (I'm sorry as I don't know how to search or link)

[Elderflower2016]

ERIC website is useful. You can also ask for support from health visitor. Good luck with suggestions above from previous posters.

[Welshcake15]

Up until a month ago I could have written this. My son was happy to use the toilet for wees, but point blank refused to use the toilet for poo and asked for a nappy each time he needed to poo. The various bits of advice failed because he wouldn't sit on the toilet or potty in a nappy either. Then one day he just "magically" he just decided to do a poo on the toilet!

I couldn't say for sure what changed, but I think it helped that we kept the pressure off him to poo in the toilet, and it was entirely his decision. We'd occasionally ask him if he wanted to poo in the toilet, but didn't do more than that.

We were also given this book around the same time Everybody Poos amzn.eu/d/2zcUSvi?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

I don't know if it helped, but out of all the potty related books it was the only one that seemed to make any difference.

[Rachel757677]

He is 4? And he wears a nappy?

[huggyhuggy54]

@Rachel757677

He is 4? And he wears a nappy?

You clearly know nothing about children's bowels or behaviour. When children have been constipated which is a medical condition they can develop a fear of pooing in the toilet, it has nothing to do with 'putting your foot down'. ERIC the bladder and bowel charity advise not to take away the nappy abruptly due to the exact reason the OP described- he will get constipated again by withholding.
OP ERIC have a podcast about this exact thing which may be helpful it's more common than people realise.

[Mindymomo]

My 3 old year was the same, had to have nappy on, would go behind sofa, do his poo and then get cleaned. I’m sure it’s a pain fear that he had. One day we were visiting relatives like we did each week and he hadn’t had a poo yet and was getting quite anxious, so what I did was get snacks, treats and books and sat him on the toilet and said we couldn’t go out until he’d been to poo, but there was no rush. It took about an hour, I know he really wanted to go, but was holding it in, so with reading a funny story and having drinks, I did manage to get him relaxed and not think about it and eventually he went, no pain or discomfort. He actually said he would try again the next day and I said we could do the same, but he was fine. We also put his feet on a step which helps.

[hauntedvagina]

There's a story app called Poo goes to Pooland. This was one of our tactics.

Kids can be stubborn little fuckers about this so please don't blame yourself. My child would soil themselves at school over poo in the toilet. We got there, probably around age 4.

This was a child who had been weeing in the toilet from age 2.

[CustardCreamm]

@Rachel757677

He is 4? And he wears a nappy?

You obviously don't have kids you moron.

[Bookmark1111]

My DD was like this, would hold it in all day then only poo in nappy. Turns out she hated the thought of being splashed when the poo hit the water! So we would layer the bowl with toilet paper to show her it wouldn’t and after that she cracked it.

[Giveupnow]

My 3.5 yo DD is like this, I’m hoping it self resolves. She won’t sit on the toilet to poo, I think the main problem is she doesn’t like sitting still long enough even with iPads/books etc. I think putting pressure on her would be the worst thing and she would end up in a cycle of constipation. She’s been dry since age 2.

ignore @Rachel757677 she clearly is a judgemental idiot

[UnimaginableWindBird]

DS was like this, too. We started off by having him only poo in a nappy in the bathroom, then sitting on the loo, then with a hole cut in the nappy. In his case, we planned a nice treat for when he started using the toilet instead of a nappy, and he agreed that he would do this before starting reception. On the first day of the summer holidays before he started reception he said he was ready and he was, so we had our celebration and he has been fine ever since.

[UnimaginableWindBird]

Once I started ignoring judgemental comments, it was straightforward and stress-free, and I'm extremely glad I didn't try to push him before he was ready, having read many horrible accounts of long-term damage from chronic constipation in children who witheld when their parents insisted that the use the loo.

[Ma2019]

@frenchnoodle

We did this;
Cut a hole in the nappy, so the poo falls through, slowly make the hole bigger over a few weeks, until the nappy is non-existent.

Unfortunately tried that and didn’t work. He now checks the nappy to see if there’s a hole or not! Apparently still makes him scared he’s going to get a poorly bum/belly. Thanks for responding though.

[frenchnoodle]

That's a shame, unfortunately you may just have to wait it out for the next year or so, they do eventually decided to do it.

That's the advice ERIC gave us, so I'm not sure they'll be very helpful, but do contact them, just to be reassured this isn't abnormal.

[UnimaginableWindBird]

Will he poo in the bathroom? Because that could be the first step. If the hole doesn't work, you could maybe try loosening the nappy and eventually getting him to poo onto a nappy on the floor, and moving from that to a potty to a toilet seat. The good thing about children that age is that they can tell you what they are and aren't comfortable with, and can understand gradually working towards a goal they are aren't ready for yet, so you talk to him and work out a plan together based on what he's scared of/ok with right now, and just helping him to take tiny steps towards his goal.

When DS was working towards pooing in the loo, I also encouraged him towards independence in other areas of toileting, so wiping himself, flushing the loo, disposing of the dirty nappy and washing his hands.

He was, in many ways,more independent than DC1 who would call "MUMMY! I Dunna poo! Wipe my BOTTOM!" for around a year after technically being toilet trained.

[Ma2019]

@UnimaginableWindBird

Will he poo in the bathroom? Because that could be the first step. If the hole doesn't work, you could maybe try loosening the nappy and eventually getting him to poo onto a nappy on the floor, and moving from that to a potty to a toilet seat. The good thing about children that age is that they can tell you what they are and aren't comfortable with, and can understand gradually working towards a goal they are aren't ready for yet, so you talk to him and work out a plan together based on what he's scared of/ok with right now, and just helping him to take tiny steps towards his goal.

When DS was working towards pooing in the loo, I also encouraged him towards independence in other areas of toileting, so wiping himself, flushing the loo, disposing of the dirty nappy and washing his hands.

He was, in many ways,more independent than DC1 who would call "MUMMY! I Dunna poo! Wipe my BOTTOM!" for around a year after technically being toilet trained.

He used to hide to poo. We have now got to the point where he will actually sit on the toilet to poo (with nappy of course)
He has just turned 4 so we’ve been at this a year now! we do try to get him involved with the other toileting independence bits which he seems to like.

[Ma2019]

@Giveupnow

My 3.5 yo DD is like this, I’m hoping it self resolves. She won’t sit on the toilet to poo, I think the main problem is she doesn’t like sitting still long enough even with iPads/books etc. I think putting pressure on her would be the worst thing and she would end up in a cycle of constipation. She’s been dry since age 2.

ignore @Rachel757677 she clearly is a judgemental idiot

Tbh it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. We’ve tried most things now and did even try and whip away the nappies for abit. It just made it worse and he got constipation which then clearly wouldn’t help him not being scared it’ll be painful on the toilet. I won’t be trying that again.
And yes I’ll ignore it. I give myself enough judgement I don’t need anyone else adding to it.

[pinklepea]

@Ma2019
How can an adult judge really. How many people poo in public loos or hold it till they're in their own house where we are more comfortable.

[Tatonka]

@hauntedvagina

There's a story app called Poo goes to Pooland. This was one of our tactics.

Kids can be stubborn little fuckers about this so please don't blame yourself. My child would soil themselves at school over poo in the toilet. We got there, probably around age 4.

This was a child who had been weeing in the toilet from age 2.

Or Potty Monkey. There will be other on YouTube

[WilbursWinnie]

This is us. Potty trained for wees at 2 but asks for pull up to poo. If we are out and he needs to poo, he will hold it. He surprised us at Christmas by pooing on the toilet when we were in a restaurant but it hasn't happened again.
We have tried all the advice available but nothing has worked, so I'm just waiting for him to be ready.
He is naturally very headstrong and I can't force him to poo on the toilet if he doesn't want to.

No advice, just posting to say you are not alone. It feels like they will never get there, but I have to trust that they will.