Oh it was a very long and slow process @Authorinwaiting
Plenty of little (and big) things over my childhood and youth that didn't add up.
My mum was Catholic, but when I was quite young she joined the Jehovah's Witnesses. They are bonkers, but I was raised to view their doctrine as 'the Truth'. (Top tip: Everyone is raised to view their own religion as 'the Truth' - how convenient 😁)
I've always loved science, nature and learning about the world. Loved dinosaurs as a child (and still do). I remember learning about paradise and the scripture of all the animals there, the lion will lie down with the lamb etc, and I innocently asked one of the Elders in the congregation why the Bible doesn't mention dinosaurs, and will there be dinosaurs in paradise, will they be resurrected like humans... Got some dumb, patronising answer which irritated me. It became clear the adults didn't know all the answers even though they liked to think they did and they acted like I was some silly girl.
As I grew older, my questions and doubts got more complex. I started to feel weird about praying - like I would pray to god to help me in my exams or some personal problem, people around me would pray to get a good job or thank god for blessing them when they bought a new house or car. It all felt very arbitrary and weird - why would god help me pass my exams or help someone buy a big house, but not help someone who is being brutally raped and murdered? Why are my relatively pointless prayers being answered but someone who is really suffering being ignored? The answer to anything and everything was always "to pray" but I felt like it was very selfish and petty to pray about the issues that concerned me as they seemed insignificant compared to genuine suffering in the world. It's very big headed to think god should listen to your prayers...
A friend I had in primary school died and it had a big effect on me. We hadn't seen each other for years, but I sank into a deep depression in my early teens. She was wonderful and smart and funny and she had loving parents. I didn't think I was smart or funny or had anything worthwhile about myself, and my parents were crap. So why did she die and I still lived? I prayed and wept so much for god to swap our places - surely he would have known I would have gladly given up my life for hers. She had so much to live for and I didn't. Again it seemed very arbitrary and cruel.
I was always aware of women being viewed and treated as "lesser than" men and this pissed me off a lot. I come from a very conservative and patriarchal culture, and the Bible seemed just as bad. I raged inside at the double standards practiced culturally and religiously. And I was pissed off when women would meekly accept their inferiority and secondary status.
As an older teen, there was a young Elder in our congregation who seemed nice and "a bit modern and open minded" compared to all the old duffers. I hoped I would find someone like him eventually to marry when I was an adult. And one day he was rambling on about some scripture talking about the wisdom of god's ways. I can't remember the exact verse - it was in the old testament - but god commanded to kill not just the men, but also all the children/young boys. And this dude said that although it seemed harsh, it was an example of god's wisdom because those "pagan" children would have grown up and retaliated against god's chosen people. I was horrified. There never seemed a good "divine" reason from my point of view to slaughter innocent children. It felt like this god and the people who follow him are perverse. Is this really the sort of god I wanted to follow?
The JWs criticise the Catholic church a lot. But I was watching satellite TV late one night and there was a documentary on an American news channel about the sexual abuse in JW congregations, with people coming forward about what happened to them and how the organisation keeps trying to cover it up. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I really started to struggle a lot with my faith.
Eventually I moved away from home as a young adult, and started searching the internet for more information about the JWs and religion in general. JWs are taught to avoid anything that isn't published by the organisation, so I was quite scared about reading "satanic" things to turn me away from god. I finally got the courage to purchase a book called "Crisis of Conscience" by Raymond Franz who was very high up in the JW org and ended up being a big critic of the doctrine and practices that went on internally. That really blew everything apart for me. I cried a lot reading that book and felt my whole world turned upside down. What do you do when you are confronted with evidence that what you thought all your life was "The Truth" isn't the case? It was definitely a "crisis of conscience" for me. I suppose I had a sort of mental breakdown for a while. All these years I thought I was the problem, I was deficient, I didn't have enough faith, always having questions and doubts.... When actually it's just a bunch of men making arbitrary decisions that have huge ramifications on people's lives, especially women's lives.
I still believed in a god, but no longer wanted anything to do with JWs. I tried to look at other Christian denominations but they all had similar flaws. I tried to expand my view to look at other religions as well, but again all had the same sort of issues. Once I saw through the lies and pitfalls, it became a lot harder to accept the glaring holes in other belief systems. I couldn't find a way "back". Remember what I said about everyone thinking their religion is the truth? It just conveniently happens to be the one they were born into or converted to..... We all think our religion is the right one ..... It's just an expression of people wanting their worldview and beliefs to be taken as the correct path... Which probably means none of them are the right one.
Anyway very sorry for rambling, but that's actually a really brief overview!! I suppose I was agnostic for a while and still wanted to hold on to certain beliefs, but eventually I realised that I was probably what people called an atheist. Religion and belief in a god was like a thick fog that surrounded me my whole life. I couldn't see where I was going, relied on what other people told me to do. I felt very depressed when I believed in god because I never felt like I could live up to all these expectations. As my belief faded away, it was like the fog gradually getting lighter and eventually disappearing. I could see all around me clearly for the first time and although it was really scary, I didn't have to rely on other people or the writings of long dead men to tell me things. I had to learn how to navigate the world on my own and really understand right from wrong, good from bad. I realise some people find that very troubling and profoundly depressing, but it was the complete opposite for me.
Anyway I wish you well on your own "crisis of conscience" journey. Maybe you will find an easier path to navigate that will allow you to still hold on to your beliefs and faith while reconciling or ignoring the man-made directives. There's no rush and you don't need to have all the answers. These things take time and hopefully you will find the peace and contentment you are looking for. 😊
