Toxic relationships

[Starlightunicorn]

I'm new. I'm scared to post but I have no where else to turn.
I'm a Mum to 2 adult children, divorced their Dad after years of controlling abuse back in 1999, my DS (eldest) at 29 has a partner and beautiful 2 children. My DD has none and is 28. Neither live with me and my DH.

I knew my ex and his wife hate me and have said some horrible things that aren't true about me but never expected them to try and poison not only my kids against me but their partners too.
I found out recently that my Daughter in law has also been told these horrible things like Im a slut that sleeps around and that I've done it to everyone I've been with and will sleep with anyone I can and that I maliciously stopped the kids from seeing their father when in fact I was told to by our Dr and Solicitor due to issues with his bullying of the kids and allowing things to happen at his house when they were young that made DD not want to see him, there were safeguarding issues (kids were 7ish at the time) we went to court and I allowed him supervised access. My DS always wanted to make his Dad happy but was used as a weapon against me and DD to bully us by proxy. I eventually took them away to live a few times to reduce contact, when we lived away I alolways had a good relationship with my kids.

DS had to see a psychologist at 10 because his behaviour was atrocious towards us and they acertained that it was due to his father and his partner and family that causes him so much anger and resentment against me, he remembers very little of all this due to the trauma it caused.

Trouble is new revelations have come out and I've never been allowed to defend myself to my son, he refuses to hear anything from me and just accuses me of slating his father so I just clam up, but they get away with talking sh** and smearing me to anyone they can and not one person has defended me against them and certainly not my DS.

I feel I'm on the verge of losing my Grandkids and my DS, my DD is ok, she doesn't speak to either of them, and my Daughter in law is ok but is having trouble with his behaviour towards her and the kids as his fathers abusive techniques have rubbed off on him so he's now doing all the same stuff to them which I'm devastated at hearing and seeing, but I don't know quite how to get back on track with my DS he's been so damaged by allegations made against me that he believes anything his father and step- mother say, his Father uses his wife as his mouthpiece so he can't be accused of saying anything directly, I've even been threatened with physical abuse by his wife when they were first together, she was always the jealous and controlling type (like him) and knows he has never moved on from 'us' so instead has set out to destroy me to my own kids after her own kids want nothing to do with her because of her abusive past with them.

Where the hell do I go with this so I don't lose them all?

Surely I'm allowed to defend myself and my reputation/honour?

Anyone had similar situation and how did you manage it/solve it?

I can't just keep quiet any longer

[Starlightunicorn]

Thank you for your reply ❤️

[IrishladyNE]

It sounds like she is very jealous of your past together and they’re as toxic as each other. Maybe people are paying her more attention because she is poorly. I’d just try to stay as calm as possible and brush off things being said.

I had to deal with my toxic ex mother in law and her daughter too. Things can change really quickly, my ex mother in law suddenly died and the whole dynamic changed. I’m now left alone mostly. Hopefully you get some peace from it soon as I know it’s horrible when people tell lies about you.

[Starlightunicorn]

Hi thanks for your reply, I used to do this but since it's his partner dripping poison into the ears of my Kids' partners it's a whole new level of hurt, If I'd done what he's saying I'd done what man would have tried to stop me leaving him? What man wouldn't have walked out? What man would have let me divorce him instead of him doing it? None of it makes sense.

My DH spoke to my DS (his DSS) who he has a good relationship with, better than with his father, and he found out that my DS knew nothing of what his step-mother has been saying to his partner about me, well now he does and the sh*t is well and truly hitting the fan, one HUGE problem here is their step-mother has stage 4 cancer 😳

[IrishladyNE]

This is a very difficult situation, my ex did the same to me when we split 8 years ago but my child was only 2 so luckily his smear tactics couldn’t work. I’m so pleased she has no memory of us together. I think the only thing you can do with these people is go grey rock. It seems the more that you defend yourself the more guilty you look.

I cannot understand why after all these years he is still doing this, they usually turn on their current partner and repeat the cycle of abuse. Usually adult children also begin to see who the toxic parent is. I suggest you look up how to deal with a narcissistic ex. When they don’t get rise there’s no pay off and usually you get left alone.