Did I do the right thing throwing son out

[Anon1706]

I’ve told my 21 yo son he can’t return home until he starts behaving like an adult. High functioning Aspergers. Has a job and a gf. Basically, throughout all of his life, he’s made us walk in eggshells and has been violent and aggressive. Still very volatile and unpredictable. He’s got a habit of actively not talking to people for years. I defended him when he was arrested for stalking and harassment. It’s been disclosed that he’s been accused of sexual abuse also. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, he thinks his way is the right way. He’s got no respect, he actively hates his family and shows it, frequently. I’ve spent my life raising a son who thinks he’s high above everyone and that everything should revolve around him. I think he’s currently staying with his gf. Am I wrong for telling him not to come back? I’m worried I’ve lost him forever but he makes our lives a total misery

You are right. You're not helping him in the long term by tolerating his behaviour. Take some time and space for yourself. He is an adult now and needs to learn how to take responsibility for himself.

I’ve defended him all of his life. The stalking issue. He DID all he was accused of. I defended him. Over and over. All he’s done is shit on me, time after time after time. I’m tired, but I feel like I’ve failed

You have to consider your own life too. As PP said, yes he has some issues but he must start taking responsibility for his actions.

Ive failed though. I know that. What I wouldn’t give for a time machine. So tired

It must be very hard for you but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. It does him no favours in the long run to have someone condoning his poor behaviour as that will reinforce,in his mind, that he is right.
Look after yourself

What would you do if you had a time machine?

Try more actively to stop all of the things he’s done. Instead of blaming schools, accepted earlier that it wasn’t the schools, it was the child. Taught him a different way? Out of all of my children, he’s the only one like it. His actions are never his fault. Always somebody else’s

Yes you are right .. a psychologist 22 years ago gave me one fabulous bit of advice...

Autism (in our case Asperger's) and being a total arsehole are not mutually exclusive

With string boundaries people learn to moderate their behaviour !!

My youngest son is diagnosed similar. Total polar opposite!! He’s truly beautiful inside and out. He respects me, he’s considerate, he’s always grateful. I just don’t know where I went wrong

Difficult though isn't it when you have a neurodiverse child and perhaps not sure what parts of his behaviour/character he is able to self control and which he isn't whilst he's growing up.

Try not to think in terms of whether you’ve failed or not. Being a parent isn’t about that and cannot be judged in such simple, black and white terms. Have you done your best? And will you continue to do your best? Then that’s all you can do.

Stop assuming it’s your fault.

some people are born arseholes and some people are nurtured into them.

if your other kids ok it probably isn’t you!

He can control all of his awkwardness when it suits his needs at the time. He’s only interested in people when they are doing something for him. I know him inside out and I know how he feels. When he’s felt low, I’ve felt it. He can control all of his behaviours.

No, you have done the right thing. This may be the wake-up call he needs, or he may never change. And you did whatever you felt in your heart he needed before, if that was to support and defend him then do not blame yourself now. But he is an adult at this point, so it is right that he take responsibility for his actions now. I am glad for your other son too, living with his brother cannot have been easy for him either. Look after yourself. x

I’ll always be here. I’ve told him when he’s ready to talk, I’ll be there. For at least 10 years, he lashed out, gone missing or running off with no top on, no shoes. He knows 100% I’m driving around and around, looking for him. I’m driving around to make sure he doesn’t get arrested for harassment/stalking again. He denied everything he was accused of, but I get the phone bills. He did everything he was accused of. He lies to my face and denies ever doing anything

My younger son gets uncomfortable talking about his brother. All of the other kids do

I think you have to protect yourself and your other children, that's more important than anything. You can't all be sacrificed to this one person's needs. It must break your heart, I'm sure you love your son but you don't like him and he can't behave appropriately. In some ways it may be better to let him get on with it and then have the consequences of those actions, after all if he's already offending as much as you say, he will do it all again and hopefully that will be picked up, either criminally or in the mental health system. I'm sorry, no-one sets out when they start parenting a tiny baby knowing it will end like this, but you have to have a reasonable home environment for you (that level of aggression and control would be called coercive control in a partner) and for your other children, so it is best he is out of the home.

I dread to think what he’s told his gf tbh. She’s a bit weak minded and easily controlled, I suppose. I tried to let her know that if they ever have any children, they won’t keep them. He’s had extensive social services input and any kids will be removed or on CP

His actions are never his fault. Always somebody else’s

This behaviour has to stop at some point and perhaps a shock like this is the way to do it. He’s behaving this way deliberately.

He’s not a child. He’s 21. Able to hold down a job, ride a motorbike and drive. Pay his bills, manipulate people and his gf etc. he was diagnosed as Aspergers but he 100% knows when he’s doing it and fully able to stop

My 18 year old is out of the house for Similar reasons. But no aspergers. Just an asshol who did not respect my boundaries, lied to my face for 3 months while engaging in a toxic and abuse partner *(who I had a protective order granted against on her behalf when she was 17) sneaking out at night...ect.
I gave her a free car and she would not work or do anything productive.
I feel like I may have failed also- but I will not readjust my boundaries for her or any "adult"

Good luck and I feel your pain
Pm me if that's allowed on here

Op some people are just assholes, being non Nt doesn't mean you will be one . Plenty of non Nt roll around this earth being pleasant lovely people and not engaging in the behaviour mentioned here (I say this as a non NT person)

The problem is some people use it as excuse for extremely bad behaviour in childhood, that needed to be addressed but nothing is done.

I'm so sorry to say I think this may just be your son's personality. His aspergers imo is just a side trait tbh in relation to his behaviour

I think Aspergers/autism is a red herring here. He sounds like he should be looked at for an antisocial personality disorder.

You're not wrong to let him fend for himself, especially if you've got younger kids to protect.

I feel your pain OP. My son is 26, childhood diagnosis of something similar, still at home, still doing nothing productive, no qualifications, no work experience/ history, his last girlfriend left him years ago, he barely leaves the house, he smells, his clothes are in tatters, it's all everybody else's fault etc... Things don't kick off any more largely because I no longer challenge him (or, 'start being a dick about everything', as he'd have it) or stand my ground because it's become exhausting over the years. Loads of people told me to turf him out but I just didn't have the stones and now here we are and I don't know if it will ever change... So good on you, you've done the right thing even if it doesn't feel like it