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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

In dispair about 20 year old son

50 replies

plantlady · 05/06/2017 19:25

I'm in severe danger of falling out with 20 year old DS. he is supposed to be looking for a part time job to help fund going back to college and then on to University. He spent 1 1/2 years volunteering in school but has decided now not to go into teaching and wants to do something completely different.

For the past 4 months he has done not a lot. He lacks drive and initiative. All he wants to do is play computer games all day (and spend what little money he has on them). he's evasive when I ask him what he's doing. Any job hunting comes from me (I've found him all the jobs he has had interviews for). All his searches for uni courses comes from me. yes he has Dyspraxia and Dyslexia and has some mild learning difficulties which does make life more difficult and I accept that. but he seems so very lazy. He has no friends as such and claims to be introverted. His difficulties makes it hard for him to hold lengthy conversations so he doesn't try.

I wonder if he has computer games addiction as if he's at home all day he doesn't even bother to get food or drink, only games or does a little bit of other stuff on the computer. He does at least go out to scouting as he's an assistant leader.

Sorry about the rant. I have no idea where to take this or how to help him help himself. He's so disorganised but too lazy to spend a few moments organising himself, even if I offer to help. Anyone else struggling with similar problems. At times all I want to do is shout at him or even kick him out or at least kick him. It's hard to keep an even temper and be constructive. It's testing my sanity. Am I being too much the caring parent anmd making it too easy for him?

OP posts:

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 17/07/2017 12:04

DS1 is too ill to work, but isn't very good at managing his illnesses. I feel like stabbing him with a fork when he won't eat.

wigglybeezer · 17/07/2017 14:51

My DS is very lacking in confidence too. To make matters worse many of his local peers are doing VERY well, being selected for Olympic training squad, finishing the Royal Ballet School near the top of the class well. He focuses on them of course, ignoring all the anecdotes people have told him about their own false starts.
How does everyone else cope with those conversations about how the kids are doing when you bump into people? I usually end up waffling like I do when people ask me what I do for a living ( long term SAHM).

DerelictWreck · 17/07/2017 15:35

Give him a deadline? Perhaps something like by his 21st birthday he needs to be contributing the the house (rent) or he'll have to move out? Gives him some motivation perhaps?

As an aside - if he's not working how is he buying games?

terrylene · 17/07/2017 16:57

Wiggly - I find that if you smile and nod and ask about the other person's DC, the conversation moves on

Some people I know are non judgemental and I can be more honest with them. I know a few people with similar problems, and we have our little rant, with knowing looks, and try and keep each other positive.

We try and keep his confidence up by encouraging things out the house - this was really hard at first because he was scared of new people and was good at getting 'lost' if he went alone - I have gone along to things with him and tried not to look like a pushy mum of a teenager - I have sat over him whilst he phoned MIND (they did a get started course that he could go on) to the local youth employment project (useless, but he did a few 'courses' with them) and to the Princes Trust (they were less precious about him having to be the one to approach them )

It was really hard to start with because he was so uncommunicative, I was never sure if he could be suicidal and how far to push him.

A friend has been through this and her son is now dipping his toe in the water, of his own volition, so a corner has been turned there. Each time is a positive.

wigglybeezer · 17/07/2017 18:12

I feel as long as he is asking for help and is cooperating I will help him, I have had a few off hand remarks, mainly by people who don't know us well, along the lines of " he needs to stand on his own two feet, move out and get a job". I think most of them left home when the benefits system was much more generous ( I used to sign on in uni vacations!) and housing was so much cheaper. DS1 would love to do that but his anxiety stopped him, he is totally clueless about what he wants to do too. We're not much help, we made careers ( well DH did) out of our talents but DS1 hasn't discovered any yet!

wigglybeezer · 17/07/2017 18:15

I have to say I have not had anyone be anything but kind to my face, in fact, the number of people who share stories of themselves or family members leaving home for work or uni, being miserable and returning home, is surprisingly large.

thenightsky · 17/07/2017 19:19

I have had a few off hand remarks, mainly by people who don't know us well, along the lines of " he needs to stand on his own two feet, move out and get a job"

I ache inside when people say that about DS. If only it were that easy!

wigglybeezer · 17/07/2017 20:08

I don't think any of mine will leave home permanently at 18, good job we have a large house and they are nice people. It's not nice for them feeling left behind though, DS1's last friend left at home is hopefully going off to police training v soon, we live semi rurally so it's actually tricky getting to jobs or college or meeting new people. dS1 is starting driving lessons this week, I am really hoping he can handle it.

terrylene · 17/07/2017 21:38

I have 3 at home at the moment.

When they all went off to uni everyone said it was the start of a new phase in my life - then they all started coming back again a year later

One of DS's friends got a job that started on 30 grand and has bought a house............

lookingforsomething · 17/07/2017 21:46

I posted about my son on another thread. Very similar issues. He developed anxiety and depression at Uni and just got into more and more of a rut. He hasn't worked since he graduated, and has lost all confidence and self esteem. Just started on anti depressants and has been having counselling, but it's such a drain on us and has affected me so badly. There is nowhere to turn. He has no friends at all now and is totally isolated . If he didn't have us I don't know what he would do. He does volunteer in a charity shop but doesn't enjoy it and lacks the motivation to find some other volunteering work.

lookingforsomething · 17/07/2017 21:47

the night sky ... i can totally relate to what you say. It's so hard when people judge 'why on earth is he still living with you'. They assume he's a lazy good for nothing. I think part of it is laziness but he is just totally lost.

Bacere · 17/07/2017 21:48

I have learnt that making a vague reply and asking about their own DC works well too but I get so down afterwards. Today has been so difficult walking on eggshels as I worry that the wrong glance or smile will set DS off. I worry when his light goes off worry when he is up. The only time I feel happy is so short-lived each day I think it is really changing the relationship I have with my DH too. Now we tend to hug in secret so not to cause upset but I don't really feel as close as we were because we are both trying to hope things will get better on their own as we feel we are out of encouraging words.

lookingforsomething · 17/07/2017 21:51

I would love to message people on this thread if anyone wants to PM me, I would be glad to reply. I tried replying to the OP but your mailbox is full!

thenightsky · 17/07/2017 22:01

Looking were you on the teenage threads earlier today? I was on my phone and someone posted there who I really wanted to link to this thread, but struggled with phone.

(sorry if its not you)

lookingforsomething · 18/07/2017 11:51

Sorry, no it wasn't me night sky.

thenightsky · 30/07/2017 19:42

How are we all?

I had a glimmer of hope this week. DS is expressing an interest in Japanese language and culture at Sheffield Uni. Its a 4 year course though and me and DH are freaking out about how to fund it. I retired four weeks ago!

millifiori · 30/07/2017 20:27

Masybe you need to get tough but kind with him. Explain that you understand why he's hiding away behind computer games but that they aren't going to help him enjoy life and get the most from it, so for that reason, you're switching off access for all but 2 hours of the day.

Can you help him structure some simple goals for himself? There's a good tactic in the classic self-help book Feel the Fear, where you make a square of nine boxes and put a different aspect of life in each box e.g. fitness, family, finances, education, romance, home etc. Once he's established 9 areas of life that are important to him or that he fantasises about having a better version of, then help him set small, realistic goals towards developing these aspects of his life. One could be gaming. One goal could be to achieve a given level on a certaion game. But it has to be in the context of eight other goals. E.g. earn x amount each month by working x no. of hours each week or swimming/running/weight training 3 x per week to achieve a given fitness goal.

Maybe he needs reassurance that it's 100% fine not to know what you want to do with your life at his age, but not fine to stop looking round, trying stuff and finding out what you might want.

There's a fun, free FB page to help build your confidence which is ideal for young men as it's run by one. He's a bit daft and very laid back but I think he connects well with teens and twenties. His name is Till Gross (he's German I think) and his FB page is called Comfortzonecrusher.

Btw, I'm dyspraxic and was very shy and socially awkward. Doing barwork and waiting in restaurants was brilliant. It built my confidence, got me active, chatting to all sorts of people from all walks of life, and the money is good too, if you work somewhere that shares out the tips. Would he consider doing that?

Kaz101 · 02/08/2017 18:59

Can I join you ladies? Have 20 year old twins back from 2nd year uni. We told them they needed to get a summer job this year. Applied to an event staffing agency, apparently they are not recruiting till Sept.... Not done much else on the job front. Told them today a friend's 18 yr old had a summer job in a warehouse to be told by one, 'Oh I don't want to do that, 'Fred' did that and he said it was awful and you couldnt wear headphones and listen to music'!!! Apparently he wants to do 'something stimulating'!!!

Always been good students, lots of friends, but seem to want to spend most of the day in bed, gaming, watching tv and when not doing that are out with friends.

I am so worried about their future, I am beginning to wonder if it's a lack of confidence, depression etc, but sadly I think pure laziness. ...

millifiori · 02/08/2017 22:04

Kaz, can you keep giving them jobs round the house and garden until they realise they'd be better off somewhere that paid them to work?

They are a bit late in the season to pick up casual work. Most students start looking in early July. But they might find holiday cover work. Is there something taht interests them specifically? My DC want Saturday work in shops as soon as they turn 16 but that's because they are specialist interest shops and they'd get discounts on stuff they're saving up for, as well as being surrounded by like minded geeks.

terrylene · 02/08/2017 22:04

I think it is like standing on the edge of a swimming pool, not daring to jump in. Only more extreme.

terrylene · 02/08/2017 22:07

My less troublesome ones worked in a charity shop one summer when I told them I wasn't having them hanging around the house under my feet all summer - the shop had a big sign in the window asking for help, which helped...........

thenightsky · 02/08/2017 22:10

Kas, yours sound lovely! Perhaps they are just a bit knackered from working so hard at uni?

Kaz101 · 03/08/2017 11:07

Thanks for your responses. Millifiori, unfortunately I think you are right and they have missed the boat for summer jobs. They also left it too late to apply for placements... that complacency, lack of motivation worries me.

Terrylene ... any job would be fine with us. They have had nil work experience at 20!!

Hmm, they are lovely chaps in some ways, the night sky. I just worry that they are not living in the real world and think they are too good for some jobs. They are going to have a very rude awakening. And yes, I suppose they might have worked hard. I think half of the problem is they have a few friendship groups and socialising sees to take precedence over anything else at the moment. They can't seem to say no!

And I thought it would be easier now!

mozza99 · 13/08/2017 18:59

I am so glad I saw this thread I spend more time worrying about my ds23 and ds22 and am making myself ill with anxiety and depression. Realise I am not on my own. It feels like all my friends have kids, usually girls who go off and do great things. I coach hockey and the girls there are off around the world, getting on with their lives and my two are spending the Summer in their rooms on-line. Eldest has organised a regular 5-aside for friends so at least does some exercise but he used to go for 8 mile runs a few years ago.

terrylene · 14/08/2017 21:20

Two of mine went off round the world, then came back to their bedrooms

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