what did you swear you'd do differently from your mum

[mummysgoingmad]

for me it was getting drunk in front of my ds, and not having people round every fri night

mummysgoingmad - can I just ask you about what you mention about you not wanting to have people around on a friday night. My neighbour (a single parent) has had a lot of issues with Social Services recently and when she has confided in me, the one thing I told her which I thought was dysfunctional for her children was that she has people around drinking and sleeping over all weekend (she is a single parent). On Friday night she was setting fireworks off at 1am in the morning. I don't care really what she does with her life but I am interested in that it bothered you somewhat as a child as well as I think it bothers her children (they are close to my eldest DD). Suppose it is just normal life to them.

my mummy is pretty good.

erm. maybe if she'd done a worse job herself i wouldn't have such a high standard to live up to?

Although now just to make me feel better as my mum was not all bad I am going to put in some positives:

.To play with my children as much as my mum did.

.To always listen to my children when they have a problem.

I am left wondering though what my children will be on here saying about me 20 years down the line. Oh well all I can do is my best and hope it is enough.

I swore/swear I will be different in that I will never:

Tell DS repeatedly that I hate him and wish he had never been born.

I will never tell him he is neither use not ornament.

I will never slap him repatedly in a mindless rage

etc. - you get the idea

I WILL

Use my best endeavours to ensure he grows up emotiionally secure, feel loved unconditionally and know he is respected and valued.

Cuddle him as much as possible (for as long as I can get away with )

Those of you who said you want your DCs to grow up confident, how do you intend to do that?

(maybe this is another thread entirely)

I thought this was going to be a light hearted thread when I opened it. Sorry so many of you had a hard time.

The only thing I can fault my mum on is her method of hairbrushing - far too much yanking! That is the one thing I have said I'll never do. (Can't put it into practice at the moment as DD's hair is only an inch long)

never shout at my DS for the slightest reason, my mum was very shouty and it sort of stays in your head. With regards to the question about ensuring your children grow up with self confidence, I suppose it's all about positive praise and encouragement and making your children feel secure. If your child feels secure, the rest naturally follows.

Something I will never do is reply "not really" if my teenage daughter asks me if she is pretty.

And yes I will never tell my tall 8 stone daughter that's she fat, just becuase I'm jealous

Do you live in France BonjourIvresse by any chance?

Hope you don't mind me asking just wondered because of your name and am being nosy because I live in France myself.

Rather a lot. I tell my children I love them, I kiss and cuddle them all the time.

Apparently I was 'very self sufficient' and didn't need all that.

Trillian, my mum was the same. I once had the same thing presented to me for each meal for 3 days until I was force fed and obviously vomited. ....... Etc (can't bring myself to write it)

She is like a different person now thankfully but boy did she hate me when I was younger!!!

Read to my dc's and tuck them n at night, I never had a book read to me.
And don't spend all night screaming at dp when I think the kids are asleep but they are awake listening to everything you are saying

I have always promised myself I will be the parent. Not a friend. Not a sibling. I will be the parent and will accept the responsibility (and pain) that comes with that.

I have lived in France in the past but not at the moment ;-). my life doesn't involve nuch ivresse at the moment either!

bogie: i never really had books read to me either! i really don't know where this book obsession came from!
i know my grandad read to me but my mum and dad never did.
(my mum lacked a lot of confidence in herslef, which is probably why she never pushed me into anything: unfortunately for me it had the effect that if i didn't have to do something then i wouldn't)

i resolve to do the right amount of pushing and encouraging without being overbearing.
and try not to make criticism when i can teach instead.
(oh, god, this parenting thing is going to be soooo very tough)

I looked at it thinking it would be light hearted. It is very sad, the things that I would do differently are so slight they aren't worth a mention.

I am doing just about everything I can think of differently, but there is one saying that always haunts me:

"You spend so much time trying to avoid the mistakes your own parents made that you can't see the mistakes you are making yourself"

I don't know where I first heard this but I hope its not true.

Gosh - these are so sad. I have to say - nothing, as my Mum was fab and I still talk to her on most days. I feel incredibly blessed to have had such lovely parents. xx

Never tell my kids that I'm suicidal (even if I am)
Never tell my kids they are fing little shits.
Never push my kids down one particular career path and make them feel awfulk if they chose something different. I stead I will present them with a variety of options and let them choose.

Never, never, never, never, never (insert more nevers) hit my child. Never scream or swear at her (unless she runs under a bus or similar then all bets are off ...).

Accept (within reasonable sane limits) that she has to live the life that is right for her.

I remember swearing that I would never make my children eat boiled spuds. But I've gone back on that oath .

Really sad to hear what so many posters have gone through...though then again, it's good to hear that people are making changes and can make changes; that you're not all out there muttering 'never did me any harm'.

This is all planning as DS is only 3.5 months old:

To listen. Just at all. Communicate with DS as if his opinions, although not always reasonable, are valuable to consider. I would never open a letter DC had desperately written and left for me to try and communicate with me, then completely ignore its existence.

To applaud my DS's interests and achievements even when they don't align with my specific desires for him.

To not HAVE specific desires for him, let him be free to become his own person, even if that means he doesn't become a doctor and I can't impress people with my boasting about him.

To not obstruct a relationship between my DS and DP, even if things sour between us, unless I reasoned that DP was a genuine threat. Especially to not create awful lies to facilitate such an obstruction and satsify my own bitterness.

I'd like DS to respect women too, although it's a different dynamic at play...my mum encouraged some serious female competitiveness.

No violence. It's not okay to slap or hit your child around the face just because you don't know how to deal with your frustration/issues.

No getting falling-down, unintelligibly drunk around DS, especially if ever in sole charge of him and he's too young to even understand inebriation and thinks I'm ill/dying.

I wouldn't leave DS crying himself to sleep because he's in a different place and mummy is with somebody who isn't daddy, while I was in the next room with my boyfriend.

I wouldn't avoid explaining simple biological functions and sex to a curious DS by making things up (e.g, menstrual blood soaked through on her jeans came from "sitting on broken glass") or saying, "I don't know". Behaving as if sex is a bit shameful and something DS shouldn't even consider until he's in his twenties...and then, upon finding out he's not a virgin, act as if I'm very broad-minded and start talking about my own sex life.

Establish boundaries but don't overprotect - small steps of independance like walking to the shop at the age of eleven are important stepping stones into adulthood and I can't wrap DS in cotton wool for fear of men with sweets on street corners.

I would never open a present DS bought and wrapped for me at Christmas and say, "oh," and toss it aside.

Never criticise my DS for ANYTHING, never tell him he is stupid/silly/moody/ugly. Never overstep the boundaries of personal space. Allow him to be who he wants/is meant to be. Always tell him I love him no matter what. NEVER shake my head is disgust if ever told by him that he is feeling depressed/low. Support him in all he does, and try to keep my unwanted views to myself. LISTEN when he talks. Help him build his self esteem. xxxx

Hah! Just wondered BonjourIvresse.