I've never agreed with smacking but thinking of starting-can anyone talk me out of it?

[piacere]

DS is five. A normal little boy, sometimes an angel, but sometimes downright hard work.

Have just had a really bad weekend at my MILs. She is very supportive and helpful but at the weekend she told my DH that DS "runs rings round you both". She has said this before and also in front of other family members. I find it really hard to say anything as she is lovely really and she doesn't mean it in a horrible way.

DH is all over the place parenting wise. He shouts, threatens, smacks without warning and then just gets really angry saying DS is out out control and needs a good thrashing.

My opinion is that he was excited as he was out of his own environment and was with his cousins as well so a lot going on. Things came to a head in the evening and DH told me that I practised "namby-pamby" parenting and that I basically make excuses for DS. I shouted that he had zero parenting skills.

I've recently started reading "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk". I've tried a few things and they seem to work and I also use sticker charts, distraction, trying to make things fun etc. etc. but I feel as if I'm on my own. I feel drained by all of it and sometimes I do just think "God, I could just give him a good hard slap on the bottom".

EVERYONE-DH, MIL, my own parents obviously think he is spoilt (am super sensitive about this because he is an only child). They are always banging on about smacking and "it never did them any harm".

I've tried so many times to talk to DH about how I like to bring up DS and what methods we should use and how we should put on a united front when dealing with him. He isn't interested in reading any books. I've even written it down in steps and he just doesn't seem to take it in. Nearly every weekend there is shouting (DH works long hours so not at home much during weekend).

Lately, I'm just beginning to think DS is becoming brattish and maybe everyone is right-perhaps I should start smacking but only as a last resort and only with a warning.

Am so tired with it all-does anyone have any advice?

[mathanxiety]

Hitting, shouting and threatening is lazy parenting. It requires no thought or plan or consistency, or imagination or communication skills. It's the caveman approach.

[notgettinganyyounger]

tbh = a smack once in a while when all else fails can be the answer. I hate doing it, but we must have all had days when everything else just doesn't work?

[lavenderbongo]

I agree with dittany and believe that your DH is actually the main problem. You and your DH needs to agree and be consistant on your approach to DS.

Smacking is not the answer - (I believe its actually illegal where I am in NZ) - if you are calm and not shouting then your son is likely to be calmer.

I am a firm believer in modelling behaviour. If you dont hit, shout or threaten then your kids are unlikely to mimic this. Ignoring mild bad behaviour works well as does walking away (when possible) from tantrums. They soon run out of steam!

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

Think of it this way - you are considering hitting your child because you feel frustrated and lost. That has nothing to do with discipline. Nothing at all. It's about your emotions. Basically, you are lashing out.

You're only human, of course you feel at the end of your tether at times. I once, a few years ago, hit my eldest son on the botty. My own overwhelming frustration at not being able to get through to him and change his behaviour by any reasonable means led me to lose control and decide that hitting him would help .

He hit me back and I don't bloody blame him. I felt really ashamed of myself.

You should never hit your child because you are frustrated. Personally, I don't believe you should hit your child at all, but I recognise that others feel differently.

Perhaps the 2 of you would benefit from parenting lessons? I do not mean that you are shit parents btw but sometimes those classes can teach you techniques and give you support while you put things into place.

[piacere]

Wow! Can't believe how many replies there are-thanks everyone.

I agree with so many of the points here. No, neither me or DH are perfect but I think we do a pretty good job. DS is very much loved and has lots of attention. However, I agree that the fundamental problem is inconsistency on DH's part. (I'm not saying I'm always good at that either but do my best).

I am sure that DS plays up at weekends and when we are all together because he knows he can get away with it and DH will be all over the place discipline wise so he pushes it.

He is just like his dad was. His dad was a shouter and smacker and also teased kids to the point of tears (just like DH can which drives me insane).

I have thought about a parenting course. DH is not very open to any kind of help like this. He has never read any parenting books, he just can't concentrate unless it's a book about war or football. I am willing to push for us to do something like this though, I think we need to do it together.

TBH, I think it the only way it would get through to him. He doesn't seem to value or take seriously what I say. He always says "I knew I would be doing it wrong" and makes it all about him.

[LittleWhiteWolf]

Havent read the whole thread, but to those family members who say smacking never did them any harm...it has taught them to smack clearly. Maybe explain that to your DH and while it doesnt make him a violent thug (ok some would disagree) it has made him turn to violence having had it meeted out upon himself. might make him listen.

Sounds like you are both at opposite ends of the spectrum, discipline wise. You both need to meet in the middle so that your DS has consistent boundaries and rules. He's probably a bit confused.

I wouldnt listen, in the most part, to others. How you discipline your child is yours and your DHs decision. Its one you must decide on together and stick to together. Parents are much stronger with a united front IMO!

Good luck! and sorry if I've repeated what others have said, I'm a bit pushed for time, sorry!

[piacere]

Just wanted to add to what Hectate was saying. Whenever I have lost it and smacked DS, he gets really angry and hits me back. It's like "what do I do now?" Hit him back harder?

Also, DS did hit me at the weekend and I said "we do not hit" and at the back of my head I was thinking "if I smacked him, how can I say "we don't hit"-I would be totally contradicting myself".

He had two stickers taken off his sticker chart and was distraught. He took ages to stop crying but I just left him to cry it out and when he had calmed down I said he would have to earn his stickers back with good behaviour. DH was just going "stickers, big deal". I felt so angry and unsupported.

DOes anyone know where I can get details of parenting courses BTW?

[LittleWhiteWolf]

Oh, and I forgot to put that one thing I've found a treat with kids and adults alike. I work in a mens prison and we are always taught to speak in a quiet and calm manner (easier said than done, I know) when someone is shouting at us. Dont stop talking, if you have to repeat yourself thats fine, but always do it in a calm an quiet voice. Your DS may shout and shout but eventually he'll realise he's a) not getting anywhere and b) can't hear what you're saying. Even if he doesnt stop talking at least he should calm enough to talk rather than shout/scream.

I know its an odd place to find parenting tips, but it blooming works!

[piacere]

Thank you LittleWhiteWolf. Yes, you are right. We would be so much better united.

It is so true, it's up to us how we discipline DS. Am actually feeling really annoyed now that I had to defend my position to my MIL and DH. It should have been me and DH together!

[piacere]

Thanks LWW. Will try that too!

[IsItMeOr]

Hi piacere - I think children's centres often have parenting courses running, if you have one near you.

As I said before, sounds like you are doing really well, and in my book seeking the help you need is a good sign .

[piacere]

Thanks for that IsItMeOr! Will have a look.

[juicy12]

Ah, poor you, sounds v stressful. First off, don't worry about him being "spoilt" because he's an only. I'm an only and, yes, I had lots of "stuff" when I was growing up and all my parents attention, but you only end up being "spoilt" if you don't appreciate any of it. Similar to another poster, my parents never smacked me and I really admire them for it. DH's parents used to smack with hands and implements and it hasn't made DH and siblings respect their authority - more to think of them as laughing stocks really who thought the best way to discipline kids was to hit . Get your DH on board, he's being lazy - you've got to do this together. Your HV will have details of parenting courses in your area. Good luck.

[Gateau]

"I was advised to smack by everyone around me as well. They won't admit it to you, but the reason they want you to hit your child, is so that they can re-inforce to themselves that hitting children is normal and any other approach is namby pamby - it vindicates their parenting. They would deny it if you challenged them because they're probably not even aware of it themselves, but they feel undermined and "got at" by your failure to smack - they feel it as an implicit criticism of their smacking habit. So they put pressure on you to give in and validate their parenting. Don't be manipulated by this, it won't improve your DS's behaviour, it will simply make you feel bad about doing something you know is wrong for you."

Very, very good points, there. Never thought of the smacking pressure before like this but this could be very true.

[bevlin]

I think what has happened is, with all the advice from DH, Mil etc you are starting to doubt yourself and DS and thinking this must be the answer because you feel your getting it wrong.
I think like most people say, it is the inconsistency that is making your DS act up at times, not lack of smacking.
Im not totally anti smacking. I don't smack my DS (2.4) but im not slating people who do (to a point)> I was smacked as a child, my DH was smacked and friends I speak to were smacked. None of us are any worse for it.....I doubt it was that helpful either!
I think when parents smack it's just them loosing control of situation and getting relief from doing so.
Older generation, especially grandparents were all brought up with smaking and as long as it was just a smack, they are all fine but lets face it, it's really not going to change anything except have your DS hate you for a bit and you hate yourself.
Keep looking at either avenues and other reasons. If you are too soft in other ways or inconsistent with rules or indeed being undermined by DH, then these are the problems to be dealt with.
I find stepping into another room and silent screaming as useful as smacking might be!!

[HerBeatitude]

"He had two stickers taken off his sticker chart and was distraught. He took ages to stop crying but I just left him to cry it out and when he had calmed down I said he would have to earn his stickers back with good behaviour. DH was just going "stickers, big deal". I felt so angry and unsupported"

Right, two things here. He was distraught and he took ages to stop crying and your DH thinks that?s not enough? What does he want? Blood and bruises? Does he think your DS would take longer to stop crying and be more distraught if he were hit and that that would be better? What end result is he actually after, if his DS being distraught and crying for ages isn?t good enough for him? I think you need to ask him about that and get him to examine his gut feelings and question himself as to why he feels that DS is getting off lightly by being distraught and crying for ages.

The other thing is, tell him how angry and unsupported you feel and point out to him that partners not supporting each other is a very very dangerous thing for their long term relationship and so this issue needs to be sorted. The three major things which split up couples are sex, money and children ? and the children thing is already rearing its head in your relationship, so it needs to be sorted as soon as possible.

[piacere]

Thanks HerBeatitude, that was exactly my response when I was trying to get through to DH. I kept saying "he is really upset he lost his stickers, he has learnt his lesson, exactly how would he learn his lesson by me smacking him?"

I think he just gets really angry and wants to lash out. He admitted to me later that he doesn't really want to discipline with smacking.

I have been practicing more exercises from the book I am reading "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" and they are working like a dream. Have just had a chat with DH tonight and he was a lot more open to it after hearing what I had to say about the postive effect on DS's behaviour. I said I would write out bullet points for him to look at and he said he would like to do it.

So, progress......!

[HerBeatitude]

I think that's where his problem is Piacere - he wants to lash out and he's absorbed the message (from his parents) that that's what is supposed to happen - he's supposed to lash out, so you preventing him doing so makes him feel a bit resentful and frustrated and possibly confused.

He just needs to re-wire his responses and to learn that he does not have the right to lash out, that that's a childish response, not an adult one and that the right thing for him to do is stay an adult and be calm, leaving the tantrums to the children.

Next time he manages to do that, he'll feel so proud of himself that he will want to do it again... good luck.

[vesela]

yay, piacere!

[ABetaDad]

piacere - were you ever smacked as a child. How did it make you feel?

I was smacked really hard by my mother. It was accepted in those days. I can still remember the physical pain and humiliation of it though even 40 years later. I was not in any sense a naughty child. DW was never smacked as a child and we vowed we would never smack our children because of our different childhood experiences.

Sometimes though every parent gets 'wound up' by their children. Me and DW each act as a sort of safety valve for each other. We each have a right to step in to break the cycle if our children are winding either one of us up. We just give the other person a break to walk away for 5 minutes.

It works and we respect each other enough to accept the other person has decided to step in. We do remain consistent though in what we each agree is acceptable behaviour by our children. Just because one parent intervenes does not mean the child gets a 'get out of jail card'. Consistency, firmness and a united front is way better than smacking.

Would that strategy work for you and DH?

[MoonlightMcKenzie]

Well I could certainly do with some help! Planned to never smack, - started doing it rarely and now it has increased. Not happy, but haven't got a clue what the alternatives are. DS is 3, has autism, and his 1yr old sister just escapes death daily!

[isitmyturn]

I only smacked once.
DS1 was 2 and had whacked the baby.
When I heard myself saying "you must not hit the baby" as I tapped the back of his hand I realised this was not giving the right message.
It also occurs to me that if you discipline your child by hitting him what will happen when he is bigger than you? My 11 year old could beat me hands down if it came to physical strength.
Lots of good advice here about alternatives. For me it was withdrawal of treats and priviledges that worked.There were many days when the DCs lost all their daily treats, but it all paid off in the end. I 'm not sure you need classes, but maybe your DH needs to learn to walk away and be more tolerant.

[LittleWhiteWolf]

How are you guys getting on now piacere?

I wondered if maybe your DH could take an observing role at first, just to learn the ropes as it were? So he's still with you and supporting you but allowing you to take the lead so he can learn by watching you and helping you? I realise this makes you the boss at first, which may not be great, but what struck me was your message about your talk with your DH and how he didnt want to discipline with his hand. As someone mentioned, he has learned this behaviour, which needs to be unlearned and a new stratagy learned instead. It might take the pressure off to watch a bit? Naturally he'd have to agree to let your DS know that he's behind YOU not your DS.

[logi]

Agree with lauriefairycake....hes only 5 there are ways to discipline without violence