I don't know how to deal with stroppy, rude 8 year old DD

[sandyballs]

Feel a bit depressed today after a big altercation with my stroppy youngest daughter this morning.
She was stamping around, refusing to get dressed and generally being a little back-chatting shit, I did my very best to stay calm and not rise to it but suddenly I lost it completely, saw red and started screaming like a mad woman. God knows what the neighbours thought!

I don?t know how to deal with her rudeness, I?m not sure she is even aware she is being rude to be honest, even though we
point it out every time, she seems surprised. Didn?t expect this at 8, it?s more of a teen thing. Someone here at work suggested it could be hormones!! Surely not!!

Walking to school afterwards I said ?So how do you feel after the dreadful morning we have had, as I feel thoroughly depressed
and there is no need for it to be like this?. She said ?It doesn?t bother me at all? and just skipped into school.

Maybe there is something wrong with her??? She doesn?t seem to get or be aware of other people?s feelings and emotions. I see her sometimes trying to ?get? it in certain situations but it is an effort for her, it doesn?t come naturally. She?s still very literal about everything.

For instance she wouldn?t go and comfort someone who was crying, it would unsettle her and she?d back off. Whereas most
of her peers at this age would try to do something about it.

[Bookridden]

I'm sorry to resurrect this zombie thread, but I found it when doing a search for tips on dealing with cheek and attitude from 9 year olds. Seeing that this thread is now nearly 6 years old, I wondered if any of the original posters could update those of us now suffering with hormonal pre-teens of our own how you are getting on now, what worked - or didn't for you - and what to expect over the next few years (think I know, but well, the problems are so well described here that I would love to know how it turned out for all of you. Assuming the posters still use MN of course!)

[Jules2]

I would also like to hear from Sandyballs and others to know if there has been any change in behaviour since 2009. 3 years - I would hope could make a difference but then, of course, there is the onset of adolescence so maybe for the worse! I too worry about my daughter's inability to empathise with most of her peers. She manages it for the disabled children in her class at school - has been praised for her kindness and helpfulness. And for much younger children. But not for others. Her father says why she should empathise with the children she doesn't like - he thinks she is just discriminating - but there is such a thing as instinctive response to someone needing help. There's a few people I don't like but I would help them up if they collapsed in the street!

[Jules2]

You are definitely not alone. And I am so glad to hear that we aren't either! My dd turned 8 in September and she is rude and stroppy to her Dad and me, and to her friends but seems to have little understanding of how she comes across. She can still be very sweet and thoughtful but the alter ego turns up every day. She's an only child, quite smart, doubtless spoilt materially and with attention. At least one of her school friends is probably ruder - and devious and manipulative with it. In fact, I could probably find one or more character flaws in most of her classmates - I suppose they are just mini versions of their parents really (I include myself in that). But my big concern is how my dd can win - and keep - loyal friends. They all seem so fickle and bitchy at the moment. As someone said, surely 8 is too early for this teen behaviour.

[CouldItBeTrue]

I haven't seen this thread before, I was reading down and thinking "yes, yep, oh yeah, been there"

My DD is currently away on holiday so I am pining for her. Not her attitude though!

Nice to know, that we are not alone.

Now for the big question. This thread is 3 years old. Are any of the original contributors around to tell us it gets better??

Also, what worked for you?

[ebere]

Is good to know that i am not alone. i joined this site because my 7 year old is driving me crazy with talking back and shoulting.

[MCos]

Thanks for the link. Yikes, I can be that shouty mom sometimes.
Thankfully my DDs are nowhere as bad as that! But I can hear my tone coming right back at me from DD1. Got to work on my patience...

[InmaculadaConcepcion]

Watch this to see what one set of parents did about their bad tempered daughter..... Might offer a few tips!

[beanser]

I know this is an old thread but just wanted to say how glad I am to have found it! Like yourself I just dont know where to turn. Im at my wits end with my 8.5 year old daughter. It seems she just cant talk to me without being cheeky and rude. She also has outbursts of screaming she hates me over silly things like asking her to do her homework! I keep my cool as long as I can but its o hard. This morning I lost it, and for the first time ever I had to send her to school without having cleared the air. 5 mins later im ringing hehe school o check she is ok. They say she is fine but im in tears:'( I love my daughter to pieces and she can be wonderful. All I can say is were all doing our best and hopefully this will pass. Keep your cool and ignore the bad behaviour. Xx

[lloobylu]

i feel soooooooo much better reading everyone elses blogs!! its not just me. My lovely son has returned for the last few days since introducing the be good earn computer time chart - fingers crossed it lasts and im going to try and be soooo much more patient now i realise that maybe it is just a hormonal change. thanks everyone for making me feel a bit better about it all!

[gorionine]

WOW, I definitely feel in company now! If I take bits an pieces of all your dcs, I have DS2 . I am trying to step back a bit because I think I might be on his case a little bit too much. I am also paying extreem attention to not raise my voice at all anymore when talking to him so. He is trying his best to make me loose my cool but has not managed toin the last couple of days (it is asking for nerves of steel though and I do not know how long I will keep up with the good intention!)

Been a bit hectic here on several fronts lately as DD1 (10+) is definitely hormonal and cries dozens of times a day for the silliest things. Oh the joy of parenthood

[gorionine]

Thanks for the bumping Doodlez! I will start reading the thread

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

That should of course be staring down, inasmuch as she can give really evil evils.

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

With the starting down, I've turned it into a game called bog out. Not an original name I know, but it does diffuse the tension and if I want dd to do something she doesn't want to we'll have a bog out competition to see who gets their way. Childish? Yes. Effective? mostly.

[ZZZenAgain]

Oh I know how this feels

I peel off into a kind of unhinged, slightly demonic laughter

I don't if it achieves much.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I have learnt that when you are honest people can't handle it and that is that.

[SingleMum01]

I need to join too!

I have a nearly 7 year old DS - who's started saying 'no' when I ask him to do something and back chatting - which he knows I don't like.

I've come to the conclusion - after a few rants - its better to keep calm and state your case, then move into a different room. More often than not, he'll then apologise and we move on. I must confess its easier said than done at times.

[mum23monkeys]

Fab - I read your earlier thread.

Thank goodness for mn. I put such a brave face, full of jollity to all around. I'm know everyone thinks I find motherhood a breeze.

fwiw I bet that most parents find it all really hard and their dc just bloody difficult from time to time but no one admits it in rl. ONly in the anonimity of mn...

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I am joining the club too (if you'll have me).

I have an 8 year old who is a back chatter and my problem is I think his feelings are what I had at 8 which, rationally, I know is ridiculous.

[FranSanDisco]

I forgot to say that there is a lot of attention seeking going on in her class amongst the girls. However, super cool dd finds it all 'so pathetic'. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Luckily I have 6 yo ds who is hillarious and just rolls his eyes at her.

[FranSanDisco]

Dd is nine in 2 weeks time but may not get there. She is so defiant and if asked to do something fixes me with a glare of pure defiance and tries to stare me out!! I am at a loss what to do apart from shout. She seems to be falling out with friends alot as she is very judgemental. These pass so no real upsets there. I wonder if she has a heart of stone or worse is becoming my sister (who has no heart) .

[racmac]

Can i join please!
I have ds8 nearly 9 and he is full of attitude, wont do what he's told, is rude and obnoxious and wants to fight with everyone.

I thought i was just a crap mum but seems Im not alone!

I have no idea what to do with him - he is attention seeking Im sure and more often than not i end up shouting which does nothing but then make me even more stressed - Im trying to ignore and praise the good stuff but god its hard work.

He lost his school jumper on the first day of school and says he doesnt care - I refused to buy him a new one he has to go with a T shirt (and a coat if cold)

[mum23monkeys]

Doodlez - you're right. I shouldn't hassle him about these things, except if he forgets and loses things, it's me who has to buy new ones. I'm really not prepared to do that, so I have to check he has things. Can't expect a 7 yr old to find £40 for school shoes really.

[Doodlez]

Mum23 wrote "have you got/found your jumper/trainers/shorts" etc etc."

D'ya know what Mum23? I've stopped doing this now. My DS is a year older than yours, so more used to the responsibility BUT, the way I now see it....let the bugger miss games because HE forgot his kit. Let him get a home-work 'mark' because he couldn't be arsed doing his home-work and I'm NOT standing over him, nagging and getting myself worked up over it! Let his breath stink and all his mates shy away from him because he couldn't be bothered brushing his teeth!

I tell him/ask him once and that's it! It's very liberating but the guilt....man, that's the difficult bit because I know he's forgotten/not done something but he'll learn quicker with a few bollickings from his teacher or humiliation in front of his peers than he will with a few hours worth of rowing and screaming with me!

[mum23monkeys]

My ds (7) is like this too. I find it really depressing, especially when the younger ones start copying. dd (2 1/2) told me this morning "mummy, you know nothing, you're useless". Well she didn't think that one up on her own.

It's tough, and there are no answers.

What I find helps is when I have the self control to rise above it and be the grown up. ds also feels I nag him a lot. He's probably right - we're trying to break the nail biting habit, and since he's started in Juniors (yr 3) he is having to take more responsibility for his belongings so I'm forever saying "have you got/found your jumper/trainers/shorts" etc etc.

Rightly or wrongly I think he thinks the little ones have an easier life.

We now have a deal that if he's well behaved from after school to bedtime then he will get extra 1 on 1 time with me after the others have gone to bed. We read together in his bed. He loves this time and I have explained that I can't give him this time if he has upset me during the afternoon because I just won't want to spend more time with him. It seems to be beginning to break the cycle of negative behaviour (fingers crossed)

Another tip I was given was to try and pinpoint the times when we are most likely to come into conflict. Typically these are when we're trying to get out of the house in the morning because we're all rushing, and at the end of the day because we're all tired. We do now try to pack school bags the night before and plan our time a bit better. I also give ds lots of warning when things are about to change (in 10 minutes it will be tea, 5 minutes now etc etc).

[Guad]

DD is like this a lot. What annoys me most is the way she speaks, almost spitting out her words and emphasising the end like 'because I don't wanTTTTT to', she actually makes the t sound like a spit. Drives me mad.

She responds best to me spending more time with just her and being nice when she is horrible but my god it is hard sometimes.