Irresponsible father or overreacting mother?

[mammya]

My dd aged 2 spends every other weekend at her father?s. A few weeks ago, he needed to go upstairs and as he hasn?t got a stair gate, he told her to stay downstairs. As you can imagine, she didn?t stay downstairs, tried to climb up the stairs and predictably, fell down. Luckily she wasn?t badly hurt, just a few bruises. Of course when he told me I was livid and told him either to get a stair gate or to take her with him when he goes upstairs.

He still hasn?t got a stair gate, and I have now found out that he still leaves her downstairs by herself. I cannot understand how he can be so irresponsible, I have asked, pleaded, shouted for him to get a stair gate. He says of course he doesn?t want her to get hurt but always has a ?good? excuse not to get one.

I am now very worried that one day she will fall down the stairs and get seriously injured. I don?t know what to do, short of saying that she will not go to his place unless he gets a stair gate, which will certainly create arguments. Also I really value my ?free? weekends and don?t want dd to miss out on contact with her father.

Am I overreacting? I would really appreciate your thoughts on this, as I am not sure how to handle the situation.

[mammya]

Result: he finally got a stairgate! But then I did warn him that I would nag him until he did...

[mammya]

Droile, he's actually OK with hot drinks (I think... I hope... OH GOD) No only joking, I know he's careful with that. And thanks for your comment about using stairs with supervision, I wanted to say that but my last posting was a bit hurried so forgot.
On a happy note, I'm so chuffed a thread I started got so many replies (until recently I only managed to kill threads...)

[Clarinet60]

My take on this is that the point is using stairs under supervision. Yes, you have to teach them to use the stairs, but using them when you are there and using them when he has bogged off to the loo are 2 different things. I think you are right mammaya and I don't want to worry you, but what's he like with kettles and hot drinks? I only ask because my dh is hopeless. I have to tell him, and move the teapot/mug away from the edge of the table EVERY DAY.

[judetheobscure]

wiltshirelass & lindy - we share the same approach to stairgates - use them as pens - although mine is to keep them OUT of the kitchen!

soupdragon or should that be

[mammya]

Ok, for the record, dd can go up and down stairs with no problems. I have a stair gate at home as the stairs are very steep and because of layout it would be easy for her to miss her turning and fall all the way down. The problem at her dad's is not to go down, but up. The stairs are covered with very thick carpet which makes them very slippery, and this is why I think she fell down. Some very interresting points, though, thanks for all your advice and comments.

[SoupDragon]

SofiaAmes, the Chinese are just practising natural selection. Eventually, all Chinese children will be born with the ability to negotiate stairs safely.

[wiltshirelass]

I have never used stairgates, My children have never fallen down the stairs. how will she learn to use stairs if she never has the opportunity? At 2 she should be able to negotiate stairs wtih no problem at all. Spend 15 minutes teaching her how to bottom bump down - she'll love it - end of problem.
Only stair gate I ever used was nowhere near stairs, and just enabled me to trap them in the kitchen instead of chasing them all over the house constantly

[Mum2Toby]

LOL SofiaAmes!!

I'm going to visit the future in-laws for a few days this weekend. His cousins are of a similar age (slightly older). Good idea!! I'll let them spend some time practising.

[SofiaAmes]

I'm sure there's going to be a big scandal soon about the chinese covering up how many deaths there really are from tumbling down stairs without stairgates....

Mum2Toby, my really got the hang of the stairs (backwards on his belly) when he spent a day with his cousins watching them do it. Do you have any friends with stair friendly children of a similar age to your ds? You could organize a "stair" day.

[Lil]

I've not got stairgates, ever since I spoke to a chinese colleague who tells me they just don't have them in China, and the kids learn quite quickly how to climb stairs safely.

There's billions of chinese toddlers living happily without stairgates!!

[JanZ]

I'm definitely one of the bad mothers' club - we also never had a stair gate and taught ds from an early age (he learnt to climb them at 13 months - at his great granny's in South Africa) to go up and down stairs safely. Barricaded the stairs for a wee while when he was cruising but then decided it was probably more unsafe, as he could climb on top of the blanket basket and then was more at risk of falling from a greater height!

We did teach him the "going-down-backwards-on-his-tummy" technique, but he preferred to bum shuffle his way down. After watching him, we realised he was doing so cautiously and safely, so we stopped turning him around every time.

Now, age 2 and 1/2, he climbs up and down stairs confidently, without even holding to the bannister. It means we can visit people (or stay in ski chalets!) and not worry about steps etc! He always jumps the last step - but has had it drummed in to him that he is not allowed to jump on any of the other steps.

I too think that a lot of stair gates say "Up to 2" - I think by that age a lot of kids can clamber over them anyway, so the stair gates almost become a danger in themselves.

Another admission - dh and I often don't know where ds is and when looking for him will find him either upstairs or in the downstairs hallway (our main living area is in the first floor). Lindy - you and I have a lot in common! (I have a theory - older mums tend to be either ultra relaxed and more paranoid - I fall in to the former category, perhaps excessively so!)

Mammya - every kid is different, and you know your dd best. If she's really not ready and is unsafe around stairs (through observation of our ds, we were happy about his concept of self-preservation!), then you may ned to bite the bullet and buy stairs. If she just needs a bit of added confidence, then why not make a concerted to teach her stairs, so that at least that's one worry of your mind when she's at ex-dh's. You're not going to be able to wrap her in connton wool every time she goes - but you can try to teach her things to minimise potential dangers.

[TheOldDragon]

We taught DS2 the "turn and slide" method of coming down the stairs when he was 12 months old. About 4 months later, he learnt the "Superman" pose mentioned below and comes down in approximately 2 seconds! Very scarey for people who didn't know what he was doing He has now (2) learnt to come down properly through watching DS1. He had to learn as it wasn't fair to keep DS1 downstairs.

Mammya, have you tried making a concerted effort to teach your DD how to safely use the stairs? I have a sneaky feeling that some stairgates are labled as suitable for up to 2yrs old so you'd need to check.

[susanmt]

I must be a bad mother - we had a stairgate at the top when dd and then ds were very little but I made a big point when they were about 12 months of teaching them to go up and down safely. Ds is 15 months now and for at least 3 months has been turning round at the top and coming down on his tummy. We have 2 short flights of 6 steps with a 180degree turn, so its not like they would fall down a whole flight. Maybe it wold be a good idea to teach your dd to be careful on the stairs and to do it properly, then you know she will be safe wherever she is if there arent any gates.

[Lindy]

Must admit I'm another one who has never had a stair gate - (except on his playroom to keep him in!!!) - I took the attitude that it was best to try & teach DS - now 2 - to use the stairs properly (ie: backwards) & so far there have been no accidents ....... will probably happen today of course. We do plan to put a stairgate on his bedroom door when he goes into a bed.

Obviously - it is much easier with an only child as I can be aware of where he is & what he is doing (but also admit that I do leave him upstairs/downstairs playing ....... bad mother alert?!).

[Jimjams]

Mum2Toby- he comes down backwards- step by step - kind of on his tummy. It took him ages to work out how to turn around at the top of the stairs, but he does well now. He also used to try and sit up half way down which wss "interesting". He's had to learn how to do it as hour house is on 7 levels (!) and DS1 really will not tolerate stair gates.

With ds1 we had stair gates and he was totally unsafe by the stairs, until well after 2.

[GillW]

Hi Mammya - do you encourage your dd to climb up/down your stairs when you're with her at home? I'd expect that at 2 years she'd be able to cope ok with going up stairs without falling.

I've only got experience of one child, but my ds was climbing our stairs on hands and knees at about 8 or 9 months, and coming down backwards about a month later. Now at 20 months he's happily walking up and down with the aid of the bannisters, and it's been several months since we took our gates down (I decided it was safer when he started climbing over them!).

[Mum2Toby]

Janh - yes he can do this too, but STILL insists on standing up and trying to hold the banister. Judging by everyone else posts he should have been trustworthy on the stairs months ago, where are we going wrong!!!???
We can't stop him trying to hold the banister so certainly couldn't remove the stairgate at the top. What if he wandered out during the night, half asleep?????

[janh]

Mum2Toby, have you tried getting him to come down on his front, feet first? One of mine learnt to do it this way, on hands and knees, and then after a while discovered that if he adopted a Superman flying position he could slide down, still feet first, top to bottom in about 3 seconds!

[scoobysnax]

IMO it's a good idea not to turn this into a big argument about being responsible or irresponsible - better by far to either get a stairgate yourself or teach ds to go backwards down stairs.
If his dad has attitudes which you don't share, there is less reason to make a big deal of it if you are not together.
Big sympathy to you, but it sound like you have a really mature outlook and must be a great mother.

[dot1]

oh dear - our ds is 17 months and has been going up and down stairs by himself (on his front coming down) for a good while, so a couple of weeks ago we removed the stair gate at the bottom of the stairs - much better for us! This weekend he fell down..... He was fine - bumped down on his front, but it did give us all a shock - poor old dp was in tears for most of the day (ds was fine after a few minutes - he spotted a squirrel in the garden and all was forgotten!)

But have we put the gate back??! No! (bad parents, bad parents...!).

[Ghosty]

I taught DS to go downstairs backwards from a very young age ... I think that is the safest way personally ... we did have stairgates ... but they were to stop him going up rather than coming down

[SofiaAmes]

Mum2Toby, you took the words right out of my mouth.. boys become men...there's no growing up involved. When I leave ds/dd with childminder I never call home. When I leave them with dh, I call often to remind him of the basics (food, sleep, clothes).
My ds learned how to go down stairs (he could go up them not long after he could walk) at about 18 mo. We visited my aunt in the usa who had nice wide carpetted stairs and no stair gate. In celebration of his newly developed skill, when we got home, I dismantled my stairgates (top and bottom of stairs). Ds threw himself (along with a toy he forgot to let go of) down them not long afterwards.

[Mum2Toby]

Our post crossed! I show him this and he thinks its great but STILL tries to hold the banister and 'walk' the rest! HELP!! We're gonna have gates til he's at school at this rate!

[Mum2Toby]

Judetheobscure - I'm desperately trying to teach my ds how to do this, but he's a nutcase! He does it for a couple of steps then just tries to jump the rest (he got his patience from his mother. ).

[judetheobscure]

M2T - I taught DS3 to come down by doing it with him. ie I came down on my bottom. It was such fun being a big kid