Do you have a small age gap between children?

[Benjy]

DD was conceived with fertility treatment and born in July 2008. I was told that I am unable to conceive naturally but did exactly that when DD was 4 months old. He is due in 4-5 weeks time.

DD turned 1 at the weekend. She is now in a routine of sorts. She has one daytime nap, although the timing of this varies: sometimes she sleeps in the morning; other times from 12.30ish - 2.30. She has a bedtime routine (bath, story, bottle and cuddle) and is in her cot for about 7.30-8. We have set meal times. Other than that each day is flexible.

Any advice would be appreciated, particularly around getting DC2 into a routine. I was entirely led by DD for a long time and didn't start a bedtime routine until around 7 months. She would fall asleep in the living room with us and then I would move her to her crib. I would like to get DC2 in his crib at a similiar time as DD goes to bed, even though he will obviously wake a few times for feeds. At what point is this realistic and how should I settle him?

Another issue is that DD is very clingy. She always has been. For the first 6 weeks I held her almost constantly because she would cry if I tried to put her down and would only stop if she was picked up again. She hated slings. Am very worried about how I'll cope with DD's clinginess if DC2 also turns out to be like this. Not only will she not let me out of her sight, she becomes very distressed if she can see me but there is what she considers to be too much physical distance between us, say if I'm at one end of the room and she's at the other! On some days it is so bad that if I'm out of touching distance, she starts to cry. I worry a lot about how I can meet the demands of another baby when she is like this.

Would also be good to hear how others coped in general with a small age gap especially in the early months. We have no close friends or family nearby so I have no help other than my DH, who works long hours.

[disneystar1]

londonshoegal theres nothing quite like motherhood its been the best thing i have done i just love it.
congrats on the nearly new bubba yes they are a miracle to be sure.....

[LondonShoegal]

My story is similar - I had DD in January last year and am due to have no2 in the next 3 weeks! I also waited a long time to have a baby - 9 years in fact (incl. fertility treatment that didn't work!) and was told DD was a miracle! Well another miracle happened and I am pg with no2.
I just wanted to say that the advice everyone has posted has been invaluable and has stopped me worrying so much about how i'm going to cope... but from reading the advice given, i'm sure there'll be good days and bad days but we'll enjoy the experience in the end!

Thanks everyone - and good luck to those awaiting a delivery! xx

[disneystar1]

sorry that was 3 of them are 1 year apart.

[disneystar1]

ok i have 7 children and 2 of them are 1 year apart.....
relax go with the flow yes keep your routine with your dd thats very important to her and you, shes established and needs that security.

when bathing 1 dc i breastfed 1 on the loo singing songs to the one in the bath.
feeding the baby whilst doing storytimes with a chunky duvet round us nap whenever you can

after a while they will nap together and life will become easier
mine often used to sleep cry and have a poo at the same time.....

i dont rush at all im the one you see annoyingly singing at the till putting the items on the checkout slowly letting my dc,s do it 1 2 3 4 5 good job kids....people behind me gritting there teeth "why dont you hurry up already"
WHY cos my dc,s are small i dont want to miss a thing

you will be fine sweetheart, hormones have always made me think everytime
can i do this?
will i cope?
am i being fair to my others having another?

we cope cos we have to and to the best we can in our own way, whatever suits us best.
wishing you luck x

[padboz]

Mine are 14 months apart - they are 2 and 3 now. They are the best of friends and fabulous fun. The first year will be a rollercoaster of sleep deprivation, but it suddenly eases. I would go with all the advice above, but more than anything what I would do differently is make some time for DC2 to bond - my DD2 was so easy going that I gave DD1 all the attention and consequently have no real joyful memories of the first 6 months of DD2's life - I was always in such a rush that I forgot to be overwhelmed when she hit milestones

[JudgeJudyAndExecutioner]

I have 4 boys, 4, 3 2, and 1 years old. The smallest gap is 11 months between the first two.

I also work part time, dh works full time, we have a very busy schedule.

I have to work as dh is starting a new business after redundancy so I am working to plug the gap so we can pay the mortgage.

Although it's busy, it's good fun, sometimes gets a bit frantic but I am lucky to have 4 very well behaved boys.

We have no family help as we only have 1 remaining granparent and they live 100's of miles away.

I am lucky to have undertsanding employer who lets me do part of my hours based from home.

Am still sane at the moment......

[gagamama]

I (totally unintentionally) have 20 months between DS1 and DS2, and DS2 and DD1. I currently have three under-fours, which is chaotic and crazy and exasperating and spellbounding all at once. The older two (3.10 and 2.2 years old) are of an age now where they happily irritate entertain each other most of the time. I also managed to get DS2 potty trained early because he wanted to copy his brother, while I was pregnant with DD - I didn't plan to do it that way and it was truly hideously horrendous at times, but it did work out quite well.

I also second whoever said to accept all help. I've never been afraid of palming any of mine off to whoever might naively want them, and as a result they are independent and sociable (something which I never was as a child nor as an adult, so very important to me). I'm mindful of the fact that DD is six months now and fast approaching the age my other two were when I fell pregnant - part of me is itching to start trying again, but I think the larger part wants a break from pregnancy and to enjoy the children I have. But who knows....

[midnightexpress]

oneopinionatedmother - I send my two to nursery three mornings a week, partly because I think it's good for them to socialise with other children. Although they are great pals, I do think it's important that they get some space apart frm each other, whether it is one-to-one time with either me or DP or time with their own friends.

Also, to be perfectly honest, we also send them for our own sanity . Don't underestimate how knackering it can be having to entertain two pre-schoolers!

However, I personally don't think it is necessary for them to go to pre-school full-time, or even 5 half-days, unless your circumstances demand that you have to do that for work reasons etc.

[ellensmelons]

Hi. DD 21 m and ds 9 months.

I kept eldest bedtime routing to the letter, so she still slept reasonably well after the birth. I put the little one to bed first tho while she played in her cot - in safety! We started this before ds was born.. She whinged the first couple of times, but when she realised i wasn't coming ( cos i couldn't!) she just got on with it.

Did the GF routing with ds - bath, bottle, bed. When he was put down first few times he had a bit of a paddy. But because i was then dealing with dd i couldn't go to him. Bit (lot) stressful, but guess what he got used to it and after 4 or 5 nights went straight to sleep!

Practicalities- practise things before lo arrives. My ds used to play in moses safely while dd needed tending to. Get a stair gate to separate baby-safe rooms so you can nip to the loo if necessary. (Can't leave them alone together!)

Thinking of starting a book - cos there's nothing out there to give you a guide!!!

[hazeyjane]

Dd1 is starting preschool in September (she will be 3.9), and although I feel a bit sad for dd2, I think it will be quite nice for both of them. Dd1 will have a year of 'getting ready' and meeting the people she will be going to school with. Also when we spent a morning or two there she loved the fact that there was a bit of structure, and so much to do. As for dd2, i'm looking forward to being able to do some stuff with just her, swimming, cafe etc.

She will go for 3 mornings a week, so don't think it will be too much.

[girlsyearapart]

Hi OOM- yes feel the same about having two close together lovely to know they have a playmate. I was thinking of trying for number3 in September but DH not happy to... Won't leave it too long though.
Re the school thing. I am (pre hectic baby times) a primary teacher and children joining the class in Y1 even if they did go to Reception somewhere else found it hard to make friends within the class. They had to be really outgoing children to fit themselves in. Having taught Reception you can really notice the children who didn't go to nursery too as they take longer to follow school routines etc. Maybe you could do a couple of pms/ams at nursery for her rather than 5? Best of both worlds then? Anyway IMO I definitely wouldn't give up a Reception class place. (It all starts getting serious even from Y1 and R is a more fun intro to school)

[oneopinionatedmother]

I'd like to add - I am so GLAD there is a small gap, as i hate seeing DD playing by herself all the time, I can't wait for her to have a brother to play with properly. Playing with an adult/ the dog isn't the same.

@beepbeep - my husband thinks i'm crazy for wanting another one this soon, but I'm game - though let us know how it goes....i'd fully expect to be tried to the limits of my patience every day for the first few years until the eldest went to school.

another side-thought - I want to keep my eldest at home as long as possible to play with her bro (so no early years place, or even no reception, just school at five) what do you guys think?

[2andcounting]

totally agree with everything hazeyjane has just said. my gap is again much bigger than yours (nearly 20months) but have definitely found myself to be enjoying much more second time round dd2 now 4months- and must say has been much easier than people led me to believe.
hug-a-bub sling saved our lives- dd2 loves it- leaves u free hands for cuddling and even picking up dd1.
i also more or less exclusively co-slept with dd2 for first 2months- so have avoided feeling exhausted and sleep deprived because never had to get out of bed to feed- as she started to feed less i gradually moved her out of bed into cot/ or sometimes rocking chair- as a result they have both had the same bedbath routine from about 2 months and now are both in bved by 8 at the latest.
get a chair that rocks (with batteries) keeps dc2 asleep for nice long naps- which i found a godsend in the first few weeks.
and finally- don't make the baby 'off- bounds' for dd1- then this way they bond really quickly- and u might find that they are equally comforted by one another when u are not in the room- this is what i have found.
finally- get out as much as possible-esp in the morning- then everyone can have a big afternoon nap.
know- im babbling but hope some of this helps- and try to relax and enjoy it- as its lovely to see the two of them interacting.

[beepbeep]

I had 17 m between my two and felt exactly the same whilst pregnant as you do, but in reality found it much easier than I thought. I also slinged DS whilst keeping DD in stroller as long as possible and tried when possible to keep them to napping at same time. I did same as another poster has suggested and when DS was asleep in buggy DD and would have juice and cake or do something special. We bought her a doll (present from her new brother) with nappies etc so she could look after her 'baby' as well. We had about 2 weeks of jealousy after initial couple of weeks of excitement but they soon just got used to each other, the are now 1 and 2.5 and seeing them together I think they gain so much from having each other that I sometimes wonder why I worried.

One thing that's always been important to us is evenings so as soon as possible we srted bedtime to be similar for both. To stat with putting baby down after toddler so crying and settling didn't wake her, but after a while brought his bedtime forward so now half hour before DC1 which means we get some quality time for cuddle and story when he's in bed.

Now 21wks pregnant with #3 so trying prepare myself for 3 under 3 - having exactly same feelings and anxieties about DC2 coping this time as I had with DC1 first time!!

[hazeyjane]

BTW I have always envied people who managed to get their dd's to nap at the same time during the day, the only times I managed that with mine was if they fell asleep in the pushchair.

Everyone told me that I would be a lot more relaxed about letting dd2 cry, and putting her to bed without lots of cuddles etc, but I found I was the complete opposite. Dd1 hated co-sleeping and slings and was colicky and difficult to cuddle, so with dd2 she got cuddled to sleep and slept in our bed and carried a lot. And TBH I loved every second of it, it feels so much more precious when you have seen how quickly time passes with the first, I didn't seem to worry about the whole 'making a rod for your own back' thing, because I am really aware that they grow and move onto another phase so quickly. Of course I am hugely sleep deprived and sometimes feel like I am 400 rather than 40, but this too will pass!

Oh another thing, I used to take dd1 for a cup of tea and cake whilst dd2 napped during the day, and it was lovely and made her feel special, and of course involved coffee and cake the 2 most important foodgroups!

[FanjolinaJolie]

If you are wanting a good routine that both of the children will 'fit into' easily then I can really recommend Gina Ford Contented Little Baby Book. You will be able to use the routine for both and (ideally!) have them both asleep at the same time for the main/after lunch sleep when you could also get your head down too. I too had no family nearby (all in NZ) and found this routine kept me sane and rested, too, when I had two.

Gina's routine supports breastfeeding, too.

[laurasmiles]

HI there - I just wanted to agree with oher posters and let the list of posts grow linger is reassuring you that everything will be okay. I was very wrapped up in my first born and anxious that his needs would be overlooked with the 2nd arrival - but that wasn't really the case.
Once you have two I think you relax on a certain level after the initial rush of adrenaline. My second one spent her life in the 'hug-a-bub' sling which was a godsend. I visited lots of toddler groups where older one could run around. Or out for buggy rides. I bought a huge double buggy but I rarely used it - in favour of a single and a sling.

Can't help you with the bedtime routine, as went completely the other way and b/f on demand throughout the night and had her in a co-sleeping cot so i didn't have to get up! It was also a nice snuggle time with second baby who tened to have to fit around the rest of us during the day. So I got lots of lovely bonding time - although she was a dreadful sleeper and I was shattered!!

Definitely would recommend baby-led weaning. It's a doddle after all the pureeing cooking and throwing in the bin milarkie with the first one!

The age gap berween mine was 19months. I'm so pleased and I wouldn't have had it any other way - even though it wasn't exactly planned! They are great buddies for eachother and everything we do as a family, is geared around their needs and appropriate for both. They are now 4 and 2 and oldest starts school in September - just wondering how the youngest will cope as I think she'll be a bit berreft, so we shall have to fill our days.

Don't worry yourself too much. There's no predicting what the easy or difficult parts will be as they are all so different - but just enjoy them and let the housewrok drop off the agenda as much as dignity will allow - in my case, we lived in a pit but then agin it's never been my favourite activity. Good luck!

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

I had 18 months between my two - now nearly 5 and 3.5. Everyone said the first year would be hell but things get better when the younger starts walking. Well, the irony is that dd2 turned out to have cerebral palsy and at 3.5 has just started walking a few steps but still needs carrying loads! Things have been very very hard, but my two girls are so close. It's almost like twins and I can't imagine them any other way. I'm pregnant with dd3 due in September and in many ways feel much more nervous about it all, at least the first time round I didn't have to handle the school run whilst trying to look after a newborn!

Good luck, it will pass and you will all do it. You may also find that your eldest grows up a bit quick, I sometimes expect dd1 to be older than she is and have to remind myself that she's ever so little and still needs as much love and cuddles as her younger sis.

[Momino]

Hi. congrats! it's so good you're thinking of this now and plenty of good advice.

i have 20 month gap with my 3 DCs - dd1 3.5, dd2 1.9, dd3 10 wks. dd1 was also very clingy, shy & sensitive. it was really tough when dd2 arrived. she sobbed when she saw me hold dd2 and same when she saw me BF - it broke my heart so i did my best to make her feel as special as before dd2. do put time aside solely for your dd1 (books, cuddles, outing). also include her on 'helping' with bathing/changing baby. maybe get her a dolly she could take care of just like you'll be taking care of dc2.

now, DDs1&2 play together so nicely and dd1 has really developed her 'big sisterly' role. i'm sure she's forgotten what it's like to have been the only one. I also know that when dd2 is napping or they're separated for some reason, dd1 really misses her sister. they've become very good little friends.

best wishes with your new arrival. everything will be fine.

[midnightexpress]

It's funny how that happens neuroticlady, isn't it (I say 'funny'...)? We too had some problems conceiving ds1 - Clomid, but not IVF, but I know several people who have had IVF for the first and then gone on to conceive again naturally and often quite quickly. I don't know anything about the ins and outs and stats, but it seems from this thread that it is quite common.

[neuroticlady]

Benjy, forgot to say our DS1 took about 8 years to come along so we thought a second would never happen, and I LAUGHED at my six week antenatal check when the ob asked me about contraception. Wasn't laughing when I found out I was pregnant with DD when DS1 was seven months old! But MilaMae that's a great way to think about it - remember those still on the horrid IVF treadmill (after all, sounds like plenty of us here have been there and know what it's like) in the fog of these early days.

Agree that toddler groups are a lifeline. Why do they have to stop for summer?!

Let's keep saying it: it'll be worth it, this bit will pass!

[midnightexpress]

Benjy, I think one way to look at the 'betrayal' of dc1 thing is to think of it from the perspective of DC2, who never gets that time as the only sibling. That helped me to feel better about it all anyway. As you say, your DD will very soon not be able to remember life before your DS. And in the long run, I personally think that the benefits and joys of having a sibling far outweigh however long or short a time dc1 has as an only child.

[wolfear]

What a great thread.I have a 23 month gap btn DS1 and DS2 (4 wks old) and could have done with reading this a couple of weeks ago. It has been a fairly difficult time but so much of that is because you're so tired from broken sleep.

I've always had a strict routine for DS1 and wanted the same for DS2 but have found I've had to become a bit more easy-going in that respect and allow DS2 to slot in. The last few nights he's ended up sleeping with me for half the night as I'm so tired when BFing that I've ended up laying on my side and letting him feed and fall asleep. At least that way I've managed more than a few hours a night.

The best advice I can give you is sleep when you can. I felt like a walking zombie after about two weeks. DH and I ended up rowing non-stop a we were both so tired. I don't have much help as I'm from Australia and my mum and family are back there, althoug mum arrive on Saturday for three weeks, hurray. I've been saving up the ironing.

I've returned to my toddler groups and try and get out at least once a day, even if it's for a walk down the shops to get some milk.

I make a real fuss over DS1 too and always put his needs first if DS2 is crying. I've also found the dummy to be a life saver. DS1 has been a little jealous but has in no way been agressive towards DS2, he exhibits it more by pretending to cry if DS1 cries or says he needs me when I go to DS1. Everyone keeps telling me to think about a couple of years into the future when they're playing together and are best buddies (!).

It has been harf, but is getting better now that things have settled down a bit. Best of luck.

[MilaMae]

Mum2 how old are your boys now? My twins were boys too.

Do you feel outnumbered at times? Dp and I find being the only 2 not into poo jokes gets a bit waring at times

Sorry to highjack.

[MilaMae]

My twins were 15 months when I had dd and I'd be lying if I didn't say it was tough,it was but there are benefits and you can make it easier.

My twins were ivf and dd was the natural miracle we were told could never happen

Firstly I would accept it's hard and not ideal then the guilt won't take over. You'll go mad and drag yourself down if you're not careful. I wanted to be supermum as it had taken me so long to get them . I had to accept everything I'd planned just wasn't going to happen in the way I wanted to. It wasn't the way I'd planned to have a family but I always knew I was very lucky-this helps a great deal. However rough my day was I always thought of those still on the IVF rollercoaster it really helped.

Once you accept you haven't got the ideal 3/4 year age gap you also accept that you're just trying to do your best when you can't meet all their needs straight away. MY lot have never had 1 to 1 I don't think it's affected them in a bad way,to be honest I think they've benefited as your dd will.

I had a nipper double,then single and a kiddy board-worth every penny. I used a sling as long as poss and insisted on naps at the same time so I had a break at lunch time not to everybody's taste but crucial for me. I also got out every single day and found friends with similar families to my own.

My lot are 5,5 and 4 now and it's soooo much easier, I'm also sooooo glad of the small gap now. They are very close and we are as a family-they also have lots of fun together