I am at my WITS' END with regard to my kids running away on/beside busy roads.

[MadamAnt]

They are 4 and 2.9. DD (4) has always had a slight tendency to run too far ahead, but the behaviour has really escalated over the last couple of months. Now DS copies her, except he usually runs off in a different direction, leaving me yelling like a fishwife at them both and chasing them like a headless chicken.

They are definitely doing it on purpose to wind me up, and it works. I honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore. We live in a city and our school walk is along some busy roads...my nerves are shredded!

I've tried explaining to them ad nauseam why it's dangerous, I've tried praising them when they walk close to me / ride nicely on the buggy, and I've tried the aforementioned fishwife impressions. On two particularly bad occasions I've resorted to hand-smacking, which has made me feel like shit, and seems to have had no lasting effect (other than DS threatening to smack other people's hands ).

I don't see other parents having this problem so why the fuck am I so entrenched in this awful situation??

It's particularly bad if we're walking with other people...what does that mean? I think DD is showing off, perhaps??

Really desperate for advice.

[Sago]

This all sounds familiar - I have two security strap things on the buggy that the eldest two hold onto. It took some training but in the end they preferred to hold onto that than to have me grip their wrists and drag them along the pavement...with them shouting 'you are hurting me mummy'. Onlookers reactions were mixed, but at least the mummy bit reassured them that, in spite of what it looked like, I was not abducting children.
Also when they were much smaller every walk was an endless 'hand or buggy' conversation bore....
I heard myself saying this to DC3 today and had sudden flashback to those days...and went faint at the thought of having to do it all again...
fishwife, c'est moi! Esp when I lived in Scandinavia and that was not the done thing!

[AnyFucker]

never mind "symptom" and "cause"

they are toddlers/tiny kids

keeping them safe is your priority and if you have to restrain them, so be it

you did the right thing

I used reins with both mine

I have been spotted dragging one of them along the floor on his bum in the supermarket, attached to his reins

sometimes you get a judgemental look, from the lentil-weaving brigade, "ohhh, you are compromising his freeeeedom..."

yeah, ok, his "freedom" to run under the wheels of a bus

old ladies usually give you approving looks though

[Fizzylemonade]

Glad it went well, ds1 was like a trained dog and stopped when he should, and I did the whole smug bit

He still is amazing but ds2 is a nightmare, we are at walking next to pram stage but if he messes around he gets pinned in goes straight back in.

He gets his stubborness from me but I am more determined to win than he is. Tis a battle of wills but mentally I see myself rewarding my no shouty behaviour with a nice bar of chocolate. Helps me through

[silverfrog]

glad you had a better journey with them.

life's too short to be stressed about everyhting

[MadamAnt]

Went out with them both in reins today and it was sooooo much more relaxing. DD was a bit disgruntled but seemed to "get" the fact that it was to stop her from getting into danger.

Phew.

[Barmymummy]

Oh this has got me PMSL! LMAO at the extendable lead and misshardbrooms 'smug' bit

Can totally relate to the latter as I too was Mrs Smug with my DD, always walked beautifully blah blah blah but then I had the boy......arrrrgh!!

He is 4 TOMORROW...I STILL screamlike a fishwife most days at him not to scoot too far off but he does it anyway. He too has a tiny bit of ASD but luckily DOES stop at every road and knows not to go anywhere near one without me. It does my head in that he just 'can't' stay near me, has to scooter to the bottom of the road and wait, not just scoot a little bit off iykwim...

I would definately go with the wriststrap or exptendable lead (LOVE THAT ONE PMSL!!) I would have thought it was a great idea! Patent it, you would make a fortune I reckon

I am taking a great deal of comfort that I am not the only fishwife in the mornings

[MadamAnt]

Perhaps I need to take it upon myself to break the extendable lead taboo!

[silverfrog]

honestly, i was so tempted

dd1's real issue (due to ASD) was not stopping/waitng at roads, she was usually quite safe being a few paces ahead - she didn't really want to go tearing off, so i htought tha tmaybe having her on an extendable lead would eb nice for her - give her space, but me he ability to stop her and "reel" her in when we came to roads to cross, etc.

But i thought I'd be judged hugely for it, and couldn't bring myself to do it!

[MadamAnt]

LOL at extendable lead

[silverfrog]

dd1 used to do the drop to the floor thing too, when I put her in reins.

the thing to do is allow enough time, and just patiently wait it out.

I also attached another strap to dd1's reins, so that she still had a bit of room to run ahead a little - the thing she objected to most was being only a pace or so ahead, if we gave her a little room ,she didn't drop instantly to the floor. (I often wondered about using an extendable lead for this very reason, but couldn't quite bring myself to)

[differentID]

have you thpought about one of those little rucksacks with reins?

[misshardbroom]

I agree wholeheartedly with the reins / wrist strap lobby... in principle.

In practice, however, it might not be that easy.

My DD and DS1 were always like Stepford Children when it came to walking nicely. They would be either side of DS2's buggy, holding the frame beautifully, stopping when asked, never running off. I was Mrs Smugella McSmug from Smugtown, and did lots of judgy tutting and parents whose children ran off.

Then DS2 learned to walk. Oh boy oh boy, was that a nightmare.

He would leg it off away from me at the slightest provocation, despite lots of screeching like a fishwife.

I have tried reins, wrist strap and a Little Life daysack with a clip on rein. On any of them he just drops to his knees and refuses to walk at all, nearly dislocating my shoulder in the process.

For a long time I had him in lockdown in the buggy but he got to the point where he would wriggle his arms out and stand up on the seat, so it really wasn't safe.

So I guess what I'm saying is try the reins, but don't pin all your hopes on it. IME, I'd have more faith in zookeeper's idea but I would have the older one by the wrist in a vice-like grip.

I agree it's treating the symptom rather than the cause but if it keeps your children from going under the wheels of a bus, does it really matter?

[MadamAnt]

OK I'm feeling less of a failure at the prospect of "regressing" to reins again. Thanks all...this has been helpful

[MadamAnt]

Wrist straps are less good for us as DD has hypermobile elbows, and I have to be v careful about them popping out of the joint (which happened several times while hand-holding).

[MIAonline]

I agree with all the other posts that you need reins. Use them consistently over the next few weeks, then always keep them with you and if the DC show any sign of running off or not following safety rules that you set, use them.

I would bet that if you are consistent, you won't need them for more than a week (especially with your eldest)
I think you are dealing with the cause and not the symptom in some ways as the 'cause' is they don't believe there is any consequence to their poor behaviour when walking with you, unfortunately, you know the real consequence of them running off near roads and how dangerous it is.

By using the reins when they are not doing as asked by the road, you are giving them a consequence, it just won't be as serious as getting knocked down!

Good luck

[MadamAnt]

Yeah, I'm really not at all averse to reins...I used them all the time until DD was about three. I just thought that we'd have passed that stage by now, but I guess not.

[silverfrog]

wrist strap or waist strap might work better if your dd is likely to try to defy - dd1 would take particular delight in hanging off her reins for quite a while (mind you, this is when she was younger, to be fair)

I wouldn't worry about other children and what they do - the important thing is to focus on what you are going to do to make your life easier. Road safety is non-negotiable, imo, and both dds still hold my hands when walking on roads (dd1 is ASD, so doesn't fully understand road danger anyway)

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

It keeps them safe. And they get used to walking with you, not running ahead, and you keep a running "road safety" commentary going.

"Right, now we cross the road, we stop here, and we look and listen and look this way? is anything coming?" etc etc

So they do learn, but they can't run off. And when they're a bit older, you can see how they get on.

Mine both had reins and then wrist straps. It was the only way to keep them safe (both have autism) and I couldn't have cared less about all those on a lead blah blah blah type comments, because I'd not be likely to be scraping my child off the road with a big smile on my face and saying, thank goodness I treated him with enough respect to not restrain him...

[MadamAnt]

I literally BELLOWED at them today as loud as I could. It was mortifying.

[frogwatcher]

I suspect that a lot of your dds peers have already had the threat, and following that been put on, reins or harness!!! They probably learnt very quickly that if they didnt walk nicely they would be reined or wrist strapped. Certainly mine were, and walk very well beside roads. That is the one and only piece of parenting I seem to have gotten right!!!

[MadamAnt]

DS wriggles out of straps on the buggy though, and DD will NOT hold onto the buggy. Actually I have to admit that thyey are not always like this...they can be quite tame, but obviously when they decide to play up it's horrific and terrifying and relentless. Where have I gone wrong??!!

[wilbur]

If it makes you feel any better, I do a lot of fishwife yelling at running kids in the street, too... Hpe the reins work.

[lou031205]

I understand your thinking, but children die & so your priority is safety. Obedience can be achieved in less dangerous settings.

[zookeeper]

I never got on with reins - I alsways fell over them

[MadamAnt]

I don't understand why DD's peers seem to be SO much better than her in this respect. They stop when told to, whereas DD will likely as not run faster.