Smacking...Anyone else changed their mind.

[breeze]

I would just like to know wether people have changed their mind on smacking.

My ds is 3.33, I always used to smack his as a last resort, but found that I was smacking him more often (and if I am honest, some times it was out of pure frustration). It would stop him doing what he was doing for a while and then he continuted doing it again later.

I got to the stage last week when I decided that in my case smacking wasn't working. (I hit him for doing something and he started laughing). I realised that if I continued doing this then I would have to hit him harder, which I didn't want to do. I had a chat with DH and told him that for the moment under no circumstances if he to hit ds. My ds has a very good knowledge of understanding and I actually sat him down and told him that mummy and daddy were not going to smack him anymore, if he was naughty he was going to have to sit on the stairs and if he continued he would be going up to his room. I re-started my sticker charts for good behaviour.

In the past few days it is like I have a different son, (to him I guess its the same), he has been more loving, I have had more kisses and cuddles then ever, he wants to do more things with me, (he even told me he wanted to help pack his toys away and I didn't have to give him a sticker). He is still a little naughty at times (what 3 yr old isn't), but the house no longer seems like a war zone at times and he doesn't shout nearly as much.

I know it is still early days, but long may it continue. I will never say that I will never smack him, but certainly not over trivial things when sending him to his room is more effective.

[oxocube]

Wow, Sis! I very rarely smack my kids, for all the reasons others have stated and mainly because I don't think it works as a punishment or deterrent for my kids, but shout? YES!!!! They are shouted at at least once a day (probably closer to 10 times!) It doesn't seem to upset them particularly and is probably more of a release for me, but I do find that I seem to yell quite a lot, especially on school mornings when all the stuff which was sorted the night before such as book bags and lunch boxes seems to go mysteriously missing just as we are about to leave making us late AGAIN !!!

I guess the only up-side to this banshee behaviour is that I do tend to hug and kiss a lot too! The kids probably just think they have Pycho Bitch From Hell for a mother and are used to it! Maybe an occassional smack would be healthier

[oxocube]

Psycho even!

[WideWebWitch]

I'm a bit like Tinker I think in that I started off thinking I wouldn't smack, have done it sometimes, don't generally find it works and don't do it any more since ds is too old and it just wouldn't work. I really don't think there's anything wrong with the odd smack but I've found that the older he's got the less effective it is. Plus I was smacking in frustration and anger which is wrong.

We don't take stars away either - I think the thing about not taking them away is that if they earn them for a piece of good behaviour, then you can't undo the praise for that in the form of taking the star away. i.e they were good and earned a star and if they are subsequently badly behaved it doesn't change that previous good behaviour... the theory is that you should punish the bad behaviour but continue to reinforce good with the stars. I don't know if that explanation makes sense but not taking stars away seems sensible to me. I know star charts don't work for everyone though.

[emsiewill]

So glad to hear that there are other children who don't care about star charts. Dd2 (3.9) is enthusiastic about them when she's generally feeling "good" anyway. But when she's got her "silly" head on, then it's like talking to a brick wall. Actually, smacking doesn't work at those times either. Wish I could find something that did........

[Matchstick]

I am a fairly new member to mumsnet & have read many interesting conversations on various topics but haven't got around to commenting yet...But I would just like to say how refreshing it is to hear many of you admitting to occassionally smacking your children. My son is now nearly 4.5 and originally I used to tap the back of his hand but soon found he started smacking aswell which didn't seem like a good idea...so we stopped that & he has probably only had about 4 smacked bottoms in his life only for more shock/deterrant tactics than punishment. I find that I use the 'threat' of a smacked bottom as the final straw now which seems to work especially with my daughter almost 3. I am by no means pro smacking but in moderation I think it can be of some use but there are always extremes as in most things......Anyway thanks to everyone for being honest!

[sis]

Oxocube, I do shout at ds but I am more aware of what I am doing and its potential effect on both me and ds. All I have managed to do is to cut down on the shouting by a fair bit

[sis]

Forgot to add that it is, of course, easier for us as we only have one child - I am sure that it must be much harder to deal with a child misbehaving if you also have other children to deal with

[kazzi]

I I have a 5 year old who is very spirited as one nursery school teacher put it he needs 150% of your attention and will do anything to get it.
I don't make a habit of smacking him instead I done a parent network course and it has helped me to understand him better. I would dread to think what sort of a child he would be if I had gone down the smacking road for every punishment.Probably an aggressive and very unhappy child

[gosh2]

I shout all the time. It is disgraceful.

I dont smack - but tap on hand - and he howls! what would he do if I did smack?! I need to enforce some discipline so sitting on stairs works - sometimes.

[Tortington]

i think we should remember that we can mentally abuse our children too, sometimes threats and shouting - wait till your father gets home - go to your room i will deal with you later. letting your children live in fear for a time is as bad. i think it depends on individual circumstances. i do not agree with parents beating their children and thinkits important we make the distintion between beating and smacking - they are not the same thing. used in the right way smacking can be an effective form of punishment or deterrent, and certainly preferable to non smacking punishments as mentioned above in my view. although i dont think it should be used as a first resort - i think the last thing in the world to do is use it as a last resort - by the time you come around to it being a last resort you have probably lost your temper and thats when you end up smacking your child to vent your own frustration rather than as a punishment for the childs actions.
like shouting, like threats, like deterent tactics, like reward systems - smacking can be an effective parenting tool used the right way. we all know as parents when we go too far - you coulscream at your child for 10 minutes until your throat goes sore - but never smack them - this doesnt make you a better parent.
its about when and how you use smakcing as a parenting tool - as with everything else we parents have to make this decision acording to our own children and our own circumstances. i have three completely different children - i only need look sternly at my little girl and she is upset. i only need to express dissapointment to my eldest son on most occasions - however my youngest son requires different parenting tools to deal with his behaviour. my point being that i think it is my right to use this tool as a parent - and like all other tools we use it can be abused. - so make it illegal - then make shouting illegal - then make negative sanctions illegal - and take away my choice to use an array of parenting tools and techniques - and then blame the mothers for the delinquant society in which we live!

[Bozza]

Interesting point Custardo. Like Gosh2 I infrequently tap DS on the hand. But I class this as smacking.... I don't do it initially but after he has been told more than once. I don't often "loose it" but if I do I will shout. And this does upset him.

[Croppy]

I agree Custardo, when I look back to my childhood, it was the words rather than the smack which caused the lasting hurt.

[VIJAYA]

HI THERE,
I HAVE BEEN RADING THE CONVERSATION ABOUT SMACKING. EVEN I THINK SMACKING IS REALLY BAD FOR BOTH THE CHILD AND THE MOTHER. CAN YOU PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHERE I CAN GET THIS STAR CHART FOR MY SON?

[VIJAYA]

hi again,

i also wanted your opinion onthis issue. Some times, when my son (tobe 4 this month) behaves badly and not listen to me, i tell him, if u dont listen to me, i'll not talk to you untill you behave and do what i ask you to do. this really has him crying and pleading for me to talk. this makes me feel very bad in return. but if i am a bit firm, his behaviour improves. but not for long. Do u think this is not right and it would affect him emotionally?

[breeze]

The star charts you make up yourself. For my son I do 15 small circles on a piece of paper and when he does something good I get him to stick a sticker in the hold, when its all filled
up he gets his treat.

[crystaltips]

Star Charts can be bought from the Great Little Trading Company @ www.GLTC.co.uk
HTH

[Meanmum]

One thing I do with my ds who is younger than most mentioned here is sing the silly song, as I call it. You probably know the one where you clap the sillies out, shake them out and so on.

Let's clap, clap, clap the sillies out,
clap, clap, clap the sillies out
clap, clap, clap the sillies out
with a wibble and wobble all around
Go on with whatever activity next like shaking.

We do this each morning (when we're not running late for the childminder) and this is our ritual for starting the day with good behaviour. If he starts to play up again during the day we sit down and do the song all over again and depending on how naughty he's been will depend on how long we do it for.

He doesn't quite understand yet what we are doing but I'm hoping as he gets older he will realise that each morning we shake the sillies out and play happily and considerately with others. Sounds good in theory but I'm dubious as he gets older.

[susanmt]

Meanmum - sounds like just the thing for 3 year old dd - what's the tune??? (LOL )

[Meanmum]

Trust me on this one. You don't want me to sing it to you. I fear my son will never carry a tune or be able to dance half decently with me as his mother.

I am positive I am tone deaf with two left feet. In fact I think he already dances better than me and he's only just got to the semi jigging bouncing stage of dancing. He certainly claps in time better than I do.

[mears]

Have just read through this thread and will now probably lose my mumsnet halo
I was never going to smack my children but ended uopfinding out that a smack ofetn put an end to an escalating situation. I do believe that a smack can be less intimidating or cruel than other forms of emotional punishment. My youngest is now 9 years old and i couldn't tell you the last time I smacked any of my children. The threat of a smack is enough. I agree with custardo's sentiments entirely. different children respond differently and there are lots of successful disciplinary methods - smacking (not beating) being one of them. So Bloss, you are not alone

[Tortington]

theres a mumsnet halo? you rotten lot for not telling me .. do i deserve one?

[jasper]

Meanmum today I almost resorted to Slap slap slapping (HARD)the sillies out of my 4yo

[emsiewill]

jasper