Mummy meltdown moment - do you think I might need help?

[handlemecarefully]

Wasn't sure where to post this. Probably would have been better in the feeling low section...

Have been feeling increasingly tired and fed up with looking after my 2.7 year old and 10 month old. Last week was entertaining fantasies about doing a Reginald Perrin and disappearing into the blue yonder

Yesterday when asked by dh why I was so fed up, explained that I loved the children but couldn't be bothered with them anymore.

Meltdown moment started to build momentum. Dd would shout "mummy, mummy where are you?" and I wouldn't reply (I'd be in the kitchen or somewhere and she was looking for me - doubtless to make yet another demand)

It happened at teatime. Baby ds was being a difficult eater as per usual so I just emptied the contents of the bowl on top of his head (don't worry it wasn't hot - I wouldn't hurt him), went to find ds and told him that I was having a wobbly moment, and then retired to bed at 17.30 and left dh to it.

I wasn't throwing my toys out of the pram, I just felt that I had to shut the world out and literally couldn't do anything for anyone anymore.

Feel fine today - but then I am at work. Not confident however that I won't feel like I did yesterday again.

Is this all just fairly normal. Or do you think I might be depressed? Like I said, feel okay today.

[handlemecarefully]

Wonkydonky, I'm really pleased this thread has done something for you too.

..and Demented, thanks for making me feel better with your post.

[Demented]

HMC, thank you for posting your experiences on this thread. When my DS1 was little I did the food tipping thing (totally out of character for me as I am generally quite calm about whether they eat or not), I feel awful when I think back to it, I had struggled with b/feeding, given up, and got myself into a state about weaning trying to make up for what I thought he was missing and he just had to eat the avocado because it had something or other in it I had decided he needed. Of course he wouldn't eat it.

Just wanted to say I think you are doing the right thing going to see your Dr, I felt on the brink of PND after having DS1 for a long time and never had the guts to see the Dr about it. If I had read this thread back then I think it would have helped me find the courage.

[wonkydonky]

HMC - Invite some girl friends round for some wine and nibbles before you go away and get around to your GP.

Some adult company (social not work) may ease the pressure for a short while and it might remind you that you have a name and you can hold a conversation - even if it's predicting the outcome of "Desperate Housewives" on Wednesday night )

Glad you posted as I feel a lot better knowing that the out of character outbursts i get are normal and even though i hadn't thought about PND I am also going to chat with my GP - so thank you xxxx

[handlemecarefully]

That's okay. I suppose when you feel guilty about something you get a bit oversensitive. I didn't take offence, just thought (wrongly) that I had been mildly told off - which in the circumstances would have been reasonable.

Yes, hopefully thought it was a new game. Hope he doesn't try to copy tonight though!

[vict17]

sorry I didn't mean it too sound like that! I bet he thought it was a new game!!!

[handlemecarefully]

Oh and fortunately he didn't seem at all worried by the experience. He just kept on eating

(am I over justifying? - ignore me!)

[handlemecarefully]

Vict17

I detect a note of censure..But fair enough, I probably deserve a good shake for doing that

It wasn't premeditated and I would never hurt him

[vict17]

sorry crossed posts. good luck at the doctors

[vict17]

My honest opinion is that I think shutting yourself in the bedroom and leaving dh in charge is very normal, I've done that many times! But I think tipping food over a 10 month old baby's head (even if it wasn't hot) is definitely not normal behaviour and I would see your gp.

[handlemecarefully]

Piffle, I get out a little but not enough. It might help...because part of my problem is loss of self and living my life solely for others (like most of you I suspect!). I phoned someone this morning and said " Hi it's ....[big pause for thinking time and then said my name]".They replied jokily "You nearly forgot who you were then" - many a true word!

Dalesgirl - sometimes it's good to talk. Sounds like you are suffering a bit too .....I hope things get better as the kids get older (for you and for me and others who have posted here), but then mums of older children seem to have their fair share of angst.

And thanks for sharing your experience Blu - it is helping.

My docs appointment is now booked. Nursery phoned me an hour ago to say that baby ds had a high temperature (he has a snotty cold currently) and my reaction was disproportionate - burst into tears, so that decided me...

Docs appt isn't until early next week, partly because I wanted to wait to see the specific doctor that I am most at ease with. But in the mean time, I am set for an easier week because we are going away on a short holiday Friday - Tuesday, so the constant grind of daily life will be suspended.

Thankyou everyone who has posted on this thread - it has really helped

[Blu]

I sometimes feel like a stuck record, suggesting depression all over MN - but it is worth considering. You don't have to go straight from 'wondering' to swallowing handfuls of pills and bounding round with glazed eyes like a zombie Stepford Wife. I felt it was The End to admit that I had depression - I felt a failure, bought into all sorts of stereotypes (involving grey women with stringy hair and slippers in supermarkets) - but after a very down to earth chat with my doctor who explained it in an analogy to having low-iron reserves and taking iron, and after feeling better within 3 days of starting medication, I felt REALLY foolish and cross with myself for not having sought help earlier. I think the prejudices and myths, embarrassment and secrecy around depression are a severe barrier to people getting the help they need. That was my motivation in speaking out about it on MN - though it is true, v few of my RL friends know - and no family!

Whether you actually have depression or not, hmc (and Gwenick) you do need some support, rest or other recuperative process, and actually talking to your GP about depression might help focus this and give you the motivation to find / demand it.

Good luck.

[Dalesgirl]

Selfishly, I find comfort in this conversaton. I can't say if you are depressed or not but I frequently get days like this and for me it is a case of loss of control, not being able to get a 'task' completed from start to finish and the fact that looking after babies and toddlers is so much harder than anything I've ever done before. I work two days a week and I am a different person on those days. So much so that if I have to stay off work because my DS is off nursery I resent the situation and feel initially low before picking myself up-this usually involves getting us both out of the house or lying on the couch watching movies. I think that parents who can get their toddlers to do what they know is good for them and necessary deserve recognition. I think this is a universal problem, you only have to look at how many parenting programmes there are on the TV. For me, I am sick of bribes, sticker charts and trips to the toy shop in order to get everyday things done!

[piffle]

I totally get what you're say HMC, I too reach a point where I simply have to get out
Dh is often gobsmacked when I inform him that I do not want to spend all weekend with him, I see him as my escape route away from the kids.
I adore my kids (11 and 2)and would love another - now DH thinks I cannot cope.
I can cope but i need a break from being a mummy sometimes.
Do you get out much? Not meaning to be patronising but I find if dh and I or just me gets out for an evening it changes a lot instantly...

[marthamoo]

That means you Gwenick!

[marthamoo]

I agree it's normal to feel like that - but I think it's such a fine line between accepting we all have bad days, find it hard work etc., and feeling that the not coping is the dominant part of your life. Does that make sense? It's so hard to explain. Blu puts it very well. I have bad days now, days where I don't want to be a Mum, but they don't consume me and I can step back from it a little. It's when those days start to roll into a blur of not wanting to get up, not wanting to do anything that it really becomes a problem. With ds2 I was OK for about six weeks (though the signs of PND were there again from day 1) and it gradually spiralled. I think if I hadn't tackled it then I woudl have ended up in the state I was with ds1 - and that was not somewhere I wanted to go to ever again.

I hope I don't sound like I am diagnosing depression left, right and centre - but I do think it is worth a trip to the GP for anyone who feels overwhelmed in this way.

[handlemecarefully]

Thanks Snafu

Gwenick - get yourself to the doctor woman!

[snafu]

i think it's normal in the sense of 'happens to a lot of people' but as lonelymum says not necessarily normal in the sense of 'don't worry about it or leave it undealt-with', iykwim... hope you feel better soon, hmc.

[Gwenick]

good for you HMC, I'm still trying to pluck up the courage to make an appointment with my GP - I still haven't even told DH how I feel.

[handlemecarefully]

Umm split opinions here. Perhaps it is just normal?

Will chat it over with GP in any case and see what he thinks. I'm just a bit concerned about my ability to look after the kids if these feelings (and accompanied 'opting out' become more and more frequent).

Thanks everyone....

[Blu]

IME being depressed didn't actually involve feeling depressed - but it did involve feelings which I felt were consuming me, and were not how I would usually react. Continually feeling I was battling back great feelings of aggression, weeping at minor things, feeling 'what the hell' at major ones. Withdrawing, spending time prevaricating, not addressing important jobs etc.

I found it really hard to admit to myself that there was a problem, so took things out on DP for far longer than was needed. My v attentive GP said my brain chemical levels had proably been knocked into confusion during pregnancy etc, and that i had been suffering low-level depression (but not actute PND) since the birth of DS. I took low dose Cipralex for 8 months - and felt transformed.

If you are wondering, it's probably worth a chat, at least, with your GP. You may be having a stress and tiredness attack - you may have depression - but try not to let that fact itself upset and undermine you - you have enough on your plate!

[Furball]

I hope it's fairly normal! I only have the one DS who is now 3.5. But many a time I've felt I can't 'give' anymore of me. I have since learnt to 'top-up' my own batteries by grabbing 10 minutes here and there, just to have a bit of me time. Obviously this is now alot easier for me as DS is at pre-school. But even after the kids have gone to bed and after the tidying up, groan! Just have some time for you and you only, even if it's just running a nice hot bath with loads of bubbles and reading a trashy novel for 1/2 an hour in peace. Once you start to feel you are doing something for yourself and not just faffing around after your DH and the kids etc, you will feel abit more armed as how to deal with everyday crap.

[Lonelymum]

Well as far as I am concerned HMC this is normal because this is how I frequently feel. But whether it is normal as in what you should be prepared to put up with, I am not so sure. I don't know if you are depressed or if you should seek treatment or therapy. I just know that this is how I feel too and I comofort myself with the very weak thought that one day it will get better. One day my children will grow up. One day I will go back to some sort of work and my self esteem will rise.

Do you see it the same way? (I know you are at work now, but there must be other changes your foresee occurring in your life that yu think would make a difference). Maybe it is a question of hanging on to those ideas. If that doesn't help you to face your current trials, then I would say you need help from outside.

[handlemecarefully]

Yes I will make an appointment.

I was very down after first baby (but it kicked in much sooner) - didn't seek help. Dh is anti ADs...but I may ignore him this time

Thought that I had 'escaped' this time around. However seems to have kicked in later than first baby and seems to be a bit worse.....

[marthamoo]

Will you make an appointment to see the GP then? Have you suffered from depression before?

[handlemecarefully]

Posts crossed Marthamoo...

I suspect you are right.....