im being pushed to my limit.i dont feel like a very good mum right now

[copingvquietly]

im sick of moaning on here
j has got himself a right temper and is fighting me over most things.nappy change.bottles.going in pushchair.sleeping. the list goes on.i cant cope with it.its making me anxious which isnt good
i dont want to be amum at the moment

[solo]

Time will ease all your pain and I know you wont feel that at the moment, but it is true. We sometiimes have to face some truly awful things in our lives, but those of us with children know that we have to push through a lot of our own shit in order to create as secure and loving life as we can for our babes. You are a survivor CVQ and you are so strong. Be proud of yourself, you are a fantastic human being and mother.x

[copingvquietly]

thank you solo.not had a great evening but today has been good if not hard.we made it to the nursery to look round.it was hard and im not going to be making any quick decisions about it.

we didnt make it to babygroup though because it was pouring down and i didnt fancy getting drenched!

i am getting better at seeing that word as long as im prepared.its when im taken by suprise without time to prepare myself and also when other people make comment about me and how i am as a person

citylover im sorry youve been through this aswelli can identify with your comment about wanting to curl up and scream at people.so many times ive seen people having 'normal' lives and wanted to scream 'cant you see whats happening to me'but then why would they.they dont know.unless youve been through this you cant understand.empathise and listen yes but not truly understand.shit i dont even understand it myself sometimes.sometimes i dont even understand me

[citylover]

Sorry I meant over last year. Got my dates wrong there.

[citylover]

Honey if you think of all that's happened to you over the last seven months then you will still be traumatised and your feelings are all quite normal. They will pass, trust me and your little baby needs you so much. I think you are very brave and admire so much.

I do have some insight I was raped whilst I was pregnant, I did not carry on with that pregnancy but I can remember quite clearly how I felt 7-8 months after that event, even though it was some years ago.

I had started a degree course (it was my brand new start as a mature student and it all got messed up) and outwardly appeared normal but inside I was a mess and in complete shock. Like you I felt that the word was everywhere and it made me feel very weird indeed. I was ultra sensitive about it. Spent many nights alone wanting to just curl up and wanted to scream at all the normal people.

What I am trying to say is it is all still very new and you will be raw. All I can say is that time does heal. Such a cliche but it's true.

If it helps my dad made a very insensitive comment to me shortly afterwards - he said he would not give a lift to any woman because they might cry rape. At the time I could not believe he would make such a comment and to this day I do not understand why he said it. In fact I don't even want to try to understand why.

[solo]

Hello CVQ, how was today?

I wanted you to know that I was slightly different to you in as much as I just had to read/hear about every rape I found out about. It did take me a long time to stop that, but it did get easier for me to deal with as time went on. For me, I found that I had to forgive myself(for what - I'm not sure, but I think I blamed myself)before I could put it behind me, but once I'd done that, I started to live again, I just wished I'd done it sooner...
If you need to talk...I'm available.x

[dylsmum1998]

i think going to babygroup is a good idea, even if you only stay for a little while- its a major mile stone for you and a great positive
you mentioned previously you received victim support (i think that what you said it was) whilst pregnant, did you have councelling? are you able to receive more?
i know its not easy to ask for help, or i'd have been at docs years ago for help. i think (ime, at least) the longer you leave asking for help the harder it is.

as keevamum says you are doing an amazing job, being a mum can be as you describe thigs, let alone in your circumstances added on top

[copingvquietly]

im not too good at 'letting people in' but i have got a good friend i met through babygroup.im going to force myself to go tomorrow which will hopefully help.im alone with j a lot.i almost lock us awayi know its not good for him which is another reason im trying to get him into a nursery so he can be with other babies.im going to find it really hard to 'let him go' because i really do love him and if anything was ever to happen to him with me not there i dont know what id do.

what infuriates me more is that as much as i try to get past my past i am dragged back there.same feelings resurface.i can just forget everything.how can i.even seeing the word rape on the telly or in a paper makes my whole body react.i want a normal life for us.i dont think thats too much to ask.but all the time im 'stuck' i cant move forward anymore.

i have good days too.but at the moment they are few and far between.i got through last week on a wing and a prayer but i did it.im trying so hard to get through each day hoping a good one will come along.

[keevamum]

Just read your thread and i just had to post how my PND made me feel so miserable for the first year of DD2's life- and then just like J my daughter picked up on the tension and played up a lot more thus creating a vicious circle. I know that may not be what you want to hear but how we feel affects them and that is probably why he is testing you so much. By the way I felt miserable and had nothing of what you have had to overcome so I think you are doing muddy brilliant. Can you sort of see how far you have come to get through everything that you have? I hope you start to feel a bit better soon but if you don't keep posting as it sounds like you may be receiving a bit of a lifeline at the moment from MN. People here may never be able to understand everything you have been through but we all understand being a mum and just how difficult that can be so we can always support you from that perspective.

[dylsmum1998]

((hugs)) i'm glad baby has been a bit better for you.
wish i could come round and drag you out for a coffee to try and cheer you up a bit. i hate to think of anyone feeling that low.
is there a film that always makes you laugh you could put on ( my cheer up films are daddy daycare, and 10 things i hate about you) or anyone you could call and get to pop out for a bit with, one of my friends is so daft and bound to say the silliest thing i go find her if i'm feeling a bit naff

[copingvquietly]

it has been a bit better.well hes been a bit better.i however cant seem to drag myself out of this negativity im feeling about everything.what i really want to do is hide under a duvet.

[dylsmum1998]

i can see how it must be so hard, i know when i get stuck in a bad day week its so hard to pull yourself out.
i try to imagine that there are camera crew following me round so i try harder to smile etc cos i dont want to look bad (sad but works for me) dont know if this will work, or perhaps view it as you are the person wtaching what is happening, and try to imagine what you would suggest to help the person you are watching struggling.
i'm not in your situation so dont know if this would help you but i mention it just in case it might.
has today been any better?
its nearly bedtime- only 4 hours til mine are in bed, whether or not they are asleep in 4 hours is another matter

[copingvquietly]

is it bedtime yet?

[copingvquietly]

thankyou dylsmum.i do try and look forward but when things are really difficult im just 'stuck' in the same place iukwim.we both had an awful day yesterday but im hoping today will be better.hes asleep right now and i suppose i should be aswell but im enjoying the peace.

[solo]

Well put dylsmum

[dylsmum1998]

hi just read through this thread. how i'm sorry you feel like your not coping CVQ. uts a very awkward age 7 months, they can be so frustrated with not being able to do things they make their mummies frustrated. you obviously love your son so much, keep that in mind because that love is what will see you through. it may be hard to see now but very soon you'll have a lovely little boy who will smile at you, and run across the room to give you a hug whilst shouting mummy. that is the best feeling in the world

i'm and at your dads words it hurts when your family turn on you like that, although the circumstances of my childrens conception is different to yours, my families reaction was the same. it hurts like hell doesnt it. but i strongly beleive that nurture is more important than nature. our children sometimes look like the other parent/sperm(or egg) donor (whatever is easier for you to view that person as. but he is yours and yours alone. with your love and care he will grow up into a gorgeous kind young man regardless of circumtances that brought your little angel into the world.

[solo]

Are you there CVQ?

[copingvquietly]

having a crap day

[solo]

CVQ, how are you going?

[thumbwitch]

cvq, what a vile thing to say. And wholly untrue. I for one don't believe in the concept that badness is "all in the blood" - the way people are brought up has so much more to do with it. And if your J is brought up in a loving environment, why on earth would he be "evil"? I think you did the right thing, keeping your son away from your father if that is his attitude - lord only knows what he would say to J when you weren't listening and implanting ideas into children's head is very dangerous.

For a note of wry amusement, have you seen the film Hellboy? And, for that matter, read the book GOod Omens by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Gaiman - both of these are, admittedly, stories about how the son of the Devil got into the wrong hands and turned out good - because he was brought up properly.

Keep up the good work - he is YOUR son and you are doing the best thing for him by loving him - THIS is what will matter in the long run.

[jes74]

his words were so wrong. Your love for J far outweighs anything else. you are a strong woman and a fab mummy. You are your own person be proud xx

[copingvquietly]

thankyou thumbwitch.my fathers words to me when i made my decision were 'evil breeds evil'.in other words a child born of an act of evil would follow suitill never forget that ever

[thumbwitch]

dear CVQ - how sad that your family are so negative and unsupportive! yes you had a massive trauma but, as Solo says, you were given a gift out of it. your J is still part of you, he will only ever know you as his parent and family - your family should be able to see past the origins of his coming into being and accept him for who he is, and he sounds like a lovely little boy (when he's not fighting you, anyway).

I still think you made a brave decision and even braver now in the teeth of the opposition you had - BIG brownie points to you! you made the right choice for you and your son - keep that in mind whenever doubt comes your way; you are a strong person who does know what the right thing for you both is.

[copingvquietly]

i forgot to say js finger is fine today.thankyou

[copingvquietly]

yes.when it was discovered i had become pregnant things changed.my family constantly pressured me into having a termination and when that fell on deaf ears they went down the adoption route.in the end things got so bad i had to move away to protect myself and my son.i barely have any form of relationship with my family now which i find very hard.every now and then my mum will pop up but that never goes well and normally leaves me in a state

i judge myself and doubt myself alot but when your on your own and only your thoughts its kind of easy to do.i look back on how my life was before this nightmare began and yes it makes me sad.i had everything.my family a good job great friends a social life and the abilty to hold my head up high.i know people still judge me for a few things i do.i know a few people on here do but walk a time in my shoes and see how they manange.

[solo]

Hi CVQ, Dp has gone early, so I thought I'd see how you are going.
Did your family opt out after you got pg? if that is the case then that seems very selfish on their part . I think you made the decision and it was the right one and friends/family - whoever, should have respected and supported that decision...I admire you very much for your courage. It was never going to be an easy journey for you, but you took that step and I just know that when things start settling down and you start to really enjoy J, you will know absolutely that you did make the right choice. I've said it before and I know it sounds hard, but I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. You were given J for a reason and because you were the best Mummy for the job.
How is J's finger today? I was cutting Dd's finger nails with(stupidly)big clippers when she was 12 weeks old and I clipped the end of a finger...I couldn't stop it from bleeding and eventually sought help. She was fine though and it was because of all the tiny blood vessels in our finger tips that it kept bleeding so much. I felt awful, but she's fine. My Ds at 17 months trapped his thumb in a letter box and pulled...he was in theatre for an hour and a half having it all stitched back on...I was at work and just felt dreadful about it all...things happen and we sometimes cause them, somettimes we don't, but we always feel bad because they are our babies
You know CVQ, we have a lot in common(not every 'detail')and if you ever want to talk to someone that may understand more than most, please say so and I'd be glad to help you...x