Can someone PLEASE tell me this gets better

[TattooedGrrrl]

I've got 2 DSs, 2yrs and 8mths. We planned them close to get all the nappies and sleepless nights out of the way, and DS1 was a pretty easy going baby.

I'm really struggling though. I hate being home with them all the time- it makes me bored and angry sometimes. Every day is the same, no matter what i do; nappies, no conversation, messy house, whinging kids.

DS2 is a very different child, who will not give up breastfeeding and screams until he can't breathe if i leave him, even with DH for 10mins. He's been doing this for weeks. I had about 3.5hrs sleep last night, and spent most of the night with DS2 whinging in bed with us, only going to sleep if i breastfed him.

I am going back to work in 4 weeks, just 3 days a week, so that i have something of my own, but also get to spend plenty of time with the kids, but i'm really worried about DS2 because he's so miserable without me.

I love them both to death, but i feel like i've turned out to be a crappy mother- all the other mothers i see seem more happy and patient than me, and i feel really ungrateful reading what i've written here, but will it get better? I was looking forward to silly chats and days out when they were older, school plays, making cakes, holidays together...i didn't think i would dislike this stage so much though. I love their little milestones, and their smiles, but most of my days and nights are mundane and frustrating.

I'm sorry for going on- i needed to get that off my chest

[stitch]

course it will get better
i think you may be stressed about having to go back to work. which may be affecting your dc2.
with such little ones, it is ususally easier to be out of the hosue, than it its to be at home.

[katw3kitts]

Stitch has said pretty much what I would have

Of course it will get better. I really admire you for having them close together and getting it all done and dusted. I'm sure it will be easier in the long term.

DS2 will be fine without you It may take a little while... but he'll do great !

[OneLieIn]

It will definitely get better. I remember very clearly how shit it was having 2 under 2 and then 2 under 3. now they are older and it is FABULOUS. Don't worry, you are not a crap mother, you are just having a hard time.

I can honestly remember how terrible it was and it was quite similar. dC2 was a nightmare, DC1 was going through tantrums, screaming in sainsburys so loud that a store detective came up to check I wasnt killing DC.

It does get better, it will be fabulous, ours are great friends and it is great now. hang in there. Work should ease it a bit do you think?

[PrettyCandles]

It's OK, really. You are doing fine. This is absolutely the toughest point, IMO. It's natural that the baby screams for you at this point - 8m is classic time for this to be happening. He will settle down and get used to his new care-routine when you go to work, and you will be refreshed by the regular break.

I, too, hate being stuck at home with the baby all the time. It's easy to say "just plonk them in the buggy and go to the park", but sometimes it's very difficult to achieve that.

I found that the older child/chilrden (I have 3) began to enjoy the baby when he or she began walking. Suddenly they had a little playmate, at least for some of the time, and it made the atmosphere at home much more relaxed.

You're not a crappy mother - you're a knackered mum stuck in the most exhausting phase. Forget about post-natal being tough, it doesn't come near this stage! You'll get through it, and you will enjoy the silly chats the days out, the school plays (get the hanky ready ) and all the rest of the Mummy-life. It will come.

For the moment, what's the one issue that would make life better for you? I suspect it's the lack of sleep. Forget about everything else, and concentrate on getting ds2 to sleep a bit better. Things will look so much less grim when you are better-rested.

[melrose]

Poor you!

Do you have a playgroup nearby that you could go to? Do you know other Mums to meet for a coffee? I personally find the kids more bearble if I can insert some adult cokpany into my day by having other mums and their kids round for coffee etc and playgroup 2 mornings a week has been a Godsend. By the time we get back it is almost lunch time and the day seems a cbit more doable!

I find that if I plan my days out things are easier, I absolutely have to leave the house to doi something every day. Mine are now 4 and 11 months so not quite so close together, but still bloody hard work. It does get easier, but i do think that people who tell you that they loved the young days with their kids are doing so whilst wearing a very rose tinted pair of specs!

[HuwEdwards]

lol @ Melrose's "adult cokpany"

yes, I like to litter my day with that too

[TattooedGrrrl]

I'm taking them back to playgroup this week for a few weeks, so that DS2 can play around unfamiliar toys / kids- i'm hoping it'll help him chill out a bit. I'm going to have to be thick skinned for it though- i stopped going after being ignored for about 7/8 weeks, then rudely interrogated by the playgroup leader.

Have been to the park this morning for 10mins, but DS2 kept crying, so we had to come back, and i was really impatient with DS1 dawdling home

He's having a nap now, and DS2 is...surprise, surprise, breastfeeding as i type.

I think you're right about sleep prettycandles- i haven't slept properly since i was pregnant with DS1. I've told DH he'd be better sleeping downstairs tonight, and i'll try and keep putting DS2 back in his own bed.

[NewDKmum]

Really feel for you!

I was in a similar situation a month ago - 2 dds at 2 yrs and 8 mths, and dd2 needing me all the time. Today, I feel so much better and can honestly say that it's down to one thing: giving up breastfeeding.

We had a hard weekend where dh offered dd2 water at night and after that things have been so easy. From waking up 3-4 times every night dd2 now sleeps through every night. From having to stay close to dd2 all the time, I can now go out on my own. Dh and dd2 have bonded in a new way as he can now look after her and dd2 is so much more contented.

IMO breastfeeding - as good as it is for the baby - is also very hard on the mum.

Hope your life gets easier soon!

[MatildaM]

Yes it does get better.
Prettycandles is spot on, this is the hardest part. I was there 10 years ago and it was the most difficult year ever. I also found that 8 months was the whingiest period with lots of night time screaming.When a tiny baby screams you can put them on the breast and it works a treat. At 8 months it doesn't. My DH slept in the spare room (often accompanied by the 2 year old )for a good year. I had the baby with me so I snatched sleep when I could.
But it pays off. My DS's are 2 years apart and wonderful, I would still recommend that gap even knowing how hard it is.Once the baby is a year or so old you will find they start to entertain each other and the load lightens.
You are worried about how you are going to work when you are so sleep deprived.All I can say is find a method that suits you and never mind whther other people approve.

[wotnopulling]

i'm on mumsnet now instead of doing housework as i need to decompress after getting dd2 to nap - only 90 minutes of howling, screaming and sobbing.

There is a 20 month gap between our girls and dd2 is sooo harder work than her sister it's hard to believe they're from the same genetic stock so i know where you're coming from!

I too hate being at home all day - always someone's nap time or meal time or just about to be and if dd2 has refused to nap don't want to risk sleeping in buggy if we go out and mucking night sleep up...the boredom and the housework and the shopping and 'what are we having for dinner'. groan.

BUT things are getting easier all the time. DD2's sleeping is fantasically better than it was and her eating is picking up and she gets happier and happier the older she gets (now ten months) and when she and her sister play together and just laugh and laugh. well, , you can insert your own 'all worthwhile' cliche here.

I am looking at going back to work too and am feeling panicky at the thought (cos no one loves a difficult baby like her mother, right?!) and dd2 will only be bf - no bottles or formula so she'll have to be weaned. It won't be easy (nothing is with dd2!) But it'll be great to go to work and be surrounded by adults for three whole days!

I don't think you're a bad mother, I think you're a normal person. The bad times have left me scarred - literally! - (i threw a glass and a bit hit me - no children were present)but i amaze myself at how much i love my awkard squad little babe. She makes me happy. weirdly i am also sort of proud of how bloody minded she is. it's only in the last couple of weeks that she has slept at night for anything longer than two hours but she is getting better and I do feel we're through the worst.

The plus side of having a baby who is hard work is when things DO get getter, you really, really appreciate it!

I've posted at length cos i feel just like you in lots of ways but know it will get better. Hang on in there.

[TattooedGrrrl]

Thanks all. My afternoon got a bit better- DS1 was chasing DS2, who was crawling away and laughing, then DS2 said my name

I'm going to focus on improving DS2s sleep for now, and give him a bottle each day for a week, then 2 etc etc.

I know in my heart things will get better eventually, but right now it's so tiring (and sometimes dull) it's hard.

Tomorrow is another day though...

[ChaCha]

Hey TG - it's not easy especially when on little sleep. My DS's are 14mths apart, the oldest now 2.5yrs. There are days when i truly feel that i cannot cope and it all gets too much. For me a trip out usually worked wonders and that was to parks or places outdoors where they could run around and tire themselves. My boys often need to just run around and get rid of excess energy. Am expecting soon so cannot really do that now but the garden is safe enough for them to run around in and play for a good hour or two morning and afternoon and as i often felt stifled at home with them but did not want to return to work I have someone come a few days a week for a few hours an afternoon to take over. She plays/reads/feeds the kids when they wake up from their nap and i either rest or get on with important jobs. Do you have anyone around who could do similar? A grandparent/friend? Today for example i used the 3 hours to clean upstairs and make a few calls, by the time she'd gone i had genuinely missed the boys and we had a lovely hour reading and playing before dinner. Felt like i'd had a break and the mundanity of it all lifted.

DS2 will be fine when you return to work, i hope you get a good night's sleep and are looking after yourself. I am prob not best at giving advice but in same boat, next month we will see what exactly i'll be posting lol xx

[cookiemonstress]

It will get better. I was in your place a year ago with the same age gap and I can't believe the difference. It happens slowly but one day you will wake up and realise things are so hard as they are currently. I'm not saying that it's a walk in the park but it does ease up. My bet is (if you are like me) that work will be your sanity saver and in some ways can be quite energising, You will also start to appreciate time at home more.
Don't worry about going back to work. Use this time to sort the sleep out if you can and be easy on yourself.

Good luck...

[twofishes]

I honestly believe that different people have 'favourite' ages of their kids..at the moment I am being driven crazy by sulky 6 yr old, in knots with homework and remembering sports kits and trip money etc but loving a moody but funny toddler and her little brother discovering the world etc etc ....my DP is the exact opposite
Feel free to 'look forward'to all the older kids stuff, I know when all mine are older I'll be yearning for a toddler again ! sssshh don't tell DP!

[Janni]

the other mothers are all JUST the same as you - they're just better actresses

[TattooedGrrrl]

i managed to keep him in his bed until 2am last night. Even though i got out of bed 3 times, i have slept better than when he's in our bed all night. He took a bottle this morning too.

Today- playgroup and rice crispie cakes and NO grumping.

[oneplusone]

Haven't read the whole thread but what you are feeling is absolutely normal, it is just not talked about openly by other mums. I have just started reading a book called Torn in Two. It's about maternal ambivalence (ie mothers having both positive and negative feelings towards their children ie feeling at various time both love and hate for their children). The book talks about the fact that the negative feelings towards your children are perfectly normal and are actualy healthy as they show you have retained a good sense of your self despite becoming a mother. The problem is that there is a cultural taboo in our society on mums admitting to their negative feelings in public and so they are forced to keep them to themselves. This leads you to feeling you are a bad/failure as a mother because all you seem to see around you are others mums who seem to be having the time of their lives.

In actual fact all mothers feel bored/anxious/even regret about their children but in public often put on a happy face as they feel that is the only acceptable emotion to show in public.

Sorry don't think i have explained it very well, but if you can you should try and get hold of teh book, it's made me feel a whole lot better about myself as i have found becoming a mother not at all what i expected. Alongside the hard work and sleepless nights etc i thought there would joy and lots of rewarding moments and happiness but for me it hasn't been like that. I have found it 99% boring, tedious, frustrating and perhaps only 0.5% happy/fulfilling and I fully expected a lot more of the happiness and less of the tedium.

You might want to take a look at another thread 'Who regrets becoming a mum?' where you might find some company!