I don't think I am fit to be a mother

[Stefka]

I have been avoiding this place for the last couple of weeks because I am starting to think that I am a really awful mother.

I have been struggling with anxiety. It's a problem I have had before (was treated for depression and anxiety a few years back successfully). As a way of coping with this (I am guessing this is why it has happened anyway) I have been slipping into some bad negative coping mechanisms in relation to my eating.

My Dr picked up on it and asked me to put on a bit of weight and I took the risk and told her about my difficult relationship with food. She initially said that she would get me some help but at our next appointment backtracked and said that there was no help for me as I am not really a serious case.

I feel quite distressed at the moment and think about my eating all the time. My poor baby who is 8 months old deserves better than this. I don't want him growing up in a house where food is an issue like I did - my mother was anorexic and it was very difficult to be around. My husband is fed up of me. I organise my week around when I can get to the gym and my boy goes in the creche. He enjoys it but I still feel guilty. Often I won't go to things because I am worried that their will be food their that I will eat or I don't invite people round because I don't want to bring biscuits into the house.

I just feel awful and I really despise myself right now. I have so much to be thankful for - my boy is a honey and my husband is lovely. They don't deserve what I am putting them through. I honestly don't know what to do with myself.

[TotalChaos]

Not got time to do much of a reply but this reminds me of something my psychologist said to me when PG and struggling with OCD - he said - it won't make you a bad mother, having OCD (germ phobia) and a child, but you will end up very tired and stressed out and not able to enjoy things as much. So don't beat yourself up about effect on your child - the food problems are making you unhappy now, but aren't making your child unhappy - focus on yourself - guilt about being a bad mother will feed the food issues.

[Booboobedoo]

Hi Stefka: you poor thing.

Firstly, your LO is very lucky to have you as a mother. You love him and care for him. A lot of children don't have that 'luxury'.

I have no experience of what your going through, but I did find this site, which is an online eatng disorder support forum. Hope this helps. x

[Booboobedoo]

you're

[TheProvincialLady]

Your doctor wants shooting. The best time to tackle an eating disorder is BEFORE it gets serious. She CAN refer you to counselling, though the wait may be quite long. Go back and insist this time. You deserve better.

Also there are things you can do to help yourself. In fact it is only by helping yourself that you will get better. Have you tried any self help books? Are you being firm with yourself about eating or are you letting yourself backslide? I know it is hard but you do have choices.

You have nothing to be guilty about however. TotalChaos speaks wise words.

[TheProvincialLady]

A support site that I have found very helpful in the past is here Don't get involved with any site where they don't moderate or where they allow people to discuss weight and behaviours (ie how much they eat, how they avoid eating etc) as it gets competitive and people learn tricks from each other. You need to talk about your reasons for doing this, not about the food itself IYSWIM?

[Twelvelegs]

As adults we very often make the mistake of thinking that a child sees things with an adult perspective.
If your child enjoys the creche then that's great... plain and simple he enjoys it and if going to the gym is good for you and helps with the control of eating then double bonus... you get to feel in control and your baby gets a bit of playtime!!
There must be groups in your area that are supportive for any type of eating disorder..there are in most.
Get in touch with The national centre for eating disorders who will put you in touch with agencies that can offer help. This is something you will not crack on your own. Perhaps you can check out a few places and make sure there isn't food before you go or make excuses and leave when food is around, it will do you good to spend time with others sharing nappy and poo stories!! Dn't be too hard on yourself if you can't cope with food at the moment take that risk away, but don't cut yourself off. Perhaps go to a playgroup and promise on the tenth occasion you'll stay during coffee time, or meet friends in a park where there is no food and be busy on the swings at biscuit time, your baby is too small to notice.
It's great that you recognise your issue I was under six stones and still in denial, looking back at photos I have no idea how I thought I was large. I lost my appetite completely and would go days without food, I now enjoy being a cuddly Mummy to young babies and the slow lose after.
What are you out of control about? Do you need a job? Hobby? Something that lifts you a little?

[ipanemagirl]

stefka, I don't think you should feel you're not a fit mother!
I think your baby would rather have you than anyone else in the whole world.
Be compassionate about your struggle with food, it sounds like you inherited it lock stock and barrel, hardly something you can blame yourself for!

Loads of us have had to deal with awful issues from our past and try to still be good mothers. I've found it hard to overcome all sorts of anxieties but it's been the best thing I've ever done and when you come through you'll have the great joy of your son to give you the best reason to continue with your struggle!

You are very far from being alone. Take care and be kind and gentle towards yourself - that will help for sure.

[WhiteWineAndJaffaCakes]

Stefka, I don't have any first hand experience of this, but I think you've taken a huge first step by posting how you feel on here and going to see your doc (even if she was unhelpful). Keep going with that courage and find support groups/websites - whatever it takes for you to feel better about yourself. I know things have been hard for you lately but you are a wonderful mum and your baby loves you. And I doubt your dh is actually fed up, maybe he just feels a bit helpless. Take care of yourself. Hugs.

[colditz]

Your child doesn't know why he goes to the creche, he just sees lots of other children to play with. He doesn't know or really care your reasons for sending him.

Don't, please, make the mistake of assuming that because you are anxious, you are doing something wrong.

Rationalise this. How, precisely, is your child suffering?

You do need some treatment for anxiety, because anxiety is exhausting, but you don't sound like a bad mother to me, why would you?

[edam]

What Colditz said. But your post suggests your fears about being a bad mother are partly to do with the future - worry about your problems with food being passed on to your baby.

You could turn that round and make it a positive - the best reason ever to get help right now. Sod the GP (to be fair, she's probably checked out the waiting lists and referral criteria... local services for eating disorders are probably hard pressed thanks to crappy primary care trust) and check out the links people have posted. There are sources of expert help and advice out there.

[Stefka]

Thank you for all the links - I have been using them today. I have managed to get an appointment to see the dietitian. Fortunately I am already in the system there as I have been referred in the past so I can bypass the system and be seen in about three weeks.

I found a place in a nearby city that has put me on the waiting list. It is not specific to ED's but they do cover that issue. I am waiting for an assessment so we shall see how that goes.

The Dr was frustrating because she was the one who picked up on my weight in the first place but then won't support me. I know it's a resource thing - she said you have to be severely anorexic to get any help which is really sad in a way.

I need to sort this out so I don't pass it on to my son.

[FloriaTosca]

Stefka:Bravo for getting help and asking for support.As ^everyone* else says, having issues with food does not make you a bad Mum and those of us on your antenatal thread know just what a very good mother and wife you are... I hope the professionals give you all the help you want and whenever you need us we are all here for you.

[ipanemagirl]

All the best to you Stefka, and try to be kind to yourself if you can.