Peturbed by the dc's lack of grief and also their lack of empathy towards their dad, after MIL's death

[handlemecarefully]

MIL unexpectedly died yesterday (we think stroke / heart attack). She was 79.

She lives a good 2 hours away so the children (4 and 5) don't see her very frequently - perhaps for a day or so every couple of months.

I told them yesterday. DD (5) cried for around 15 minutes and since then....nothing. Just carrying on as normal. DS barely reacted to the news - just carried on playing with his toys.

They do understand death - they lost their grandad 18 months ago, and hardly on an equivalent basis, but the cockerel died a few weeks ago. So they understand that death is 'final'

I was also at pains to explain that their dad was very upset because grandma was his mum, and they need to be gentle and kind to him.

However, they are still hassling him for attention as usual.

I don't want to see the children absolutely overcome by grief and I am grateful that they are not too distressed, but if this makes any sense at all, I am a bit peturbed by their apparent lack of feeling.

Is this normal for young children? DD is nearly 6 and generally a sensitive and caring child...

I'm rambling now!

[BreeVanDerCampLGJ]

Dottoressa

You have just made me laugh.

HMC

Just in case the questions come later....

Waterbugs and Dragonflies

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

'Look!' said one of the water bugs to another, 'One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?' Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return. 'That's funny!' said one water bug to another. 'Wasn't she happy here?' asked a second water bug. 'Were do you suppose she went?' wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs, the leader of the colony, gathered its friends together. 'I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where she went and why.' 'We promise', they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and had fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly.

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chancd to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs!. There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered his promise: 'The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why'.

Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly he could no longer go into the water. 'I can't return!' he said in dismay. 'At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went'.

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.

[Dottoressa]

Completely normal. When my Dad's Dad died, I was about eight, and I smiled when he told me (for want of any better response). My Mum's father died when I was about the same age. It was the first time I'd seen my Mum cry, but all I could think was that I hoped she'd soon stop because I didn't like it! Despite being a perfectly kind child, I just didn't get it...

By the time our family dog died, I was about 26. I was totally grief-stricken - but by then, I had developed enough empathy to realise that my Mum felt even worse than I did, and I could console her accordingly!!

So in another 20 years or so, our DCs should all be very empathetic...

[hellymelly]

"knowing" that death is final and really understanding what that means are two different things-I think even teenagers often don't quite get it.I agree that things can trigger grief much later,you may find something upsets them months or years down the line.

[bozza]

I think it is normal too. I remember my friend telling me that when she told her DC that her Dad had died her DD pretended to cry because she could see that my friend was upset. And her Dad lived just down the road and saw the children daily.

And my Grandad died earlier this year. A couple of days later my DD (3 nearly 4 then) said to me "Has Grandad X died away" and I said yes and she said "are you sad" and I again said yes to which she replied "I'm not".

Sorry for your DH.

[Cammelia]

They're far too young to really realise the full implications

[Gemzooks]

It's probably some kind of in-built survival mechanism that protects children from being very traumatised, they just can't comprehend and empathise in the same way as adults, they focus on themselves and their daily lives.

[minouminou]

All quite normal....like AbbeyA said, they don't "transpose" (as it were) their relationship with you onto your DH and his mum, so they don't realise what a shock it is....
Hope your DH is doing ok, best wishes.

[policywonk]

DS1 enjoyed my mother's funeral (or rather, the wake) immensely. He wants to know when he can go to another one.

[nannyL]

Completely normal

m 5 year old charge lost his grandad a few weeks ago

he is so pleased because "he has been allowed to have all grandads biscuits and doesnhave to share them with grandad"

thats what he annunced at breakfast the 1st day his dad was back (after being up with his mum while 'grandad' died etc)

[AbbeyA]

I am sorry to hear about your loss.
It is however a completely normal reaction.
It hasn't made any difference to their day to day living. They know that death is sad therefore you got the initial tears, but they don't understand that it is final. They can't empathise with their father because at that age they can't really imagine a parent as a child with a mother.

[handlemecarefully]

Had better go downstairs now to provide moral and practical support to dh. Will check in later. Thanks to everyone who has given the benefit of their experiences

[handlemecarefully]

And sorry about your dad Betty - all still a bit raw just 3 months on I imagine

[handlemecarefully]

I totally get that policywonk - the bit about trying hard not to resent them for their apparent lack of grief. Sorry about your mum.

[policywonk]

Sorry to hear about your MIL, hmc.

My mother died last month, and I've been surprised by how unperturbed my elder son (who's 5) has been, especially given that they saw her a couple of times a week, and she doted on them. I've had to work quite hard to not resent him for his apparent lack of sadness (no tears at all - not that I yearn to see him in tears).

OTOH, his class teacher reckons that he has been affected because of various bits of behaviour she's witnessed at school (DS1 being distracted and a bit emotional). Children seem to experience grief in a very different way from adults. As MummyDoIt says, it can actually be rather helpful because it forces the grieving adults to concentrate on the hear-and-now.

[BettySpaghetti]

I agree that its totally normal.

In the last 3 years I've lost both my Grandmothers and my Dad (my Dad only 3months ago)

DD has been aged 5-8 during these bereavements and has acted very much as you've described -initial tears then nothing much for a while.

What I would say though is that they might have some tears over it at some point in the future -something may just randomly trigger it.

DD has a cuddly toy of my Grans and every now and again, when she goes to bed she'll snuggle up to it and say that she misses her and feels sad about her dying.

[MummyDoIt]

Oh, forgot to say sorry for your loss.

[MummyDoIt]

Perfectly normal reaction. Mine two are exactly the same age. My Dad died in November and they showed no sadness at all. DS1 asked a few questions about why Grandad had died but seemed more concerned about Nana living on her own now. DS2 didn't say anything at all. DH told them they had to be extra nice to Mummy because Mummy was sad so I got some extra hugs but they were back to squabbling and demanding drinks five minutes later. If anything, their behaviour was a help to me as it stopped me being able to sit and dwell on things. With young children, you just get on with life.

[noddyholder]

That is very normal.Our old neighbours had a similar scenario and were even more shocked when their 6yr old ds asked at the funeral in front of all 'can i have her piano?'They do see grief differently

[spicemonster]

They don't really understand death at that age. I think it's completely normal behaviour, I wouldn't worry about it.

[handlemecarefully]

Ok, thanks that's reassuring.

[LynetteScavo]

Sorry about you MIL

Id say its very normal. Infact Id say your DD is very sensitive if cryed at all.

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

It is really normal - kids just don't grieve in the same way as adults - they don't process it all in the same way and they won't understand how your dh is feeling.

[unknownrebelbang]

Condolences.

Sounds very normal though hmc.

[MrsTittleMouse]

It's normal. Looking back I wasn't as sympathetic as I should have been when my Mum lost her Dad and I was a (young) teenager. Not that it makes it any easier for your DH.