Struggling with this stage of parenting

[TooOldForThiss]

I have two kids, just turned 5 year old DS and 2 year old DD. I love them more than anything on this plane so please don’t judge me for what I am about to type.

I can’t help but feel irritated with pretty much everything my DS does at the moment. I try to keep it inside but sometimes I raise my voice (never scream or swear), or if he’s keeping on at me I sometimes say ‘whaaaat?’ In a really childish, annoyed Kevin and Perry type tone.

he was such a sunny, happy little toddler but now he’s so different. He calls me/everything poopoo, he calls his sister stupid, and had told her that her teeth are disgusting, he never says please or thank you, he refuses to wash his hands after using the toilet ever. Anything his sister or (girl) cousins like is poo or disgusting- princesses, unicorns, he can’t just let them enjoy what they enjoy and him enjoy different things. He throws his toothbrush on the floor rather than putting it away, he puts rubbish on the floor instead of the bin. He pretends his legs are hurting at night so I take him downstairs to watch tv for a bit til he’s feeling better- he actually admitted he lied about it.

id feel like it was all my fault but my DD says please and thank you at 2.5 years, she puts stuff in the bin and gives me her toothbrush rather than put on the floor. It probably is my fault somehow but it’s not through lack of trying to make him a kind person who doesn’t say horrible things to people. But I just feel I’m on his back all the time, and he probably wonders why I’m not on DD back all the time but it’s not needed.

he was my first, before DD came along it was just me and him all day and we were/still are so close. He said to me today he never tells me any of his secrets (he said he has a secret relating to chocolate!) because I’ll get stressed at him, that hurt, I want to be the sort of mother they can come to with their secrets, worries etc when they’re older.

im just finding it all so hard, they bicker constantly and don’t listen to me, getting out in the morning is stressful as I feel like a drill sergeant.

I thought as they got older it would stay to get easier but that’s not happening!

[ElbowsandArses]

Ah I remember really struggling when DS1 was 5. You sound tired and fed up. Much sympathy. What you describe sounds to me like he is wanting/needing more attention from you which is so hard to give when you are drained. Do you ever get respite from them? Fill your own tank a bit if you can and then try to figure out ways to give him more attention (ideally when he is being pleasant!) and praise/compliment the kind nice things he does. It's really really hard. Hang in there.

[bananamilkshakes]

Hear you, it's a really hard time. Agree with PP that his behaviour is screaming out for more 1:1 attention/time from you. Very hard to carve this out but all you can do is try. Try love bombing too. Write him little love notes. Spend 5 mins just with him every day. Take him on a special trip no sibling. Praise much more. Tell him you're proud of him and love him all the time. Ignore the rest as much as you can. Don't see it as a failure or as him being ungrateful or anything. He's feeling bad inside and he is showing you that. It's not your fault but you can only do what you can do. Get a break for yourself too.

[TooOldForThiss]

Thank you both so much for your kindness, may have teared up a little, lol. You’re both right he needs more of my attention. It’s hard to get one on one without sibling present but I’ll try on the weekend. Before bed tonight we had a chat and he said he feels school is too long and he doesn’t have much time at home before bed, need to remember he’s only been at school for a shortish time since September.

Elbows I don’t get a lot of time away from them, we’re so lucky grandparents care for them when I’m at work part time, but that means I avoid asking them for childcare on my days off as they do enough!

I will keep in mind what you say banana about trying to ignore much of the behaviour, that’s the only way I won’t constantly feel on his back at the moment!

thank you again for your kind replies.

[bananamilkshakes]

Oh yes I hadn't factored in starting school. It's really a big thing especially for boys I think who can be a bit more immature emotionally. He's probably trying to find his place with friends and there'll be lots of being mean and silly to be funny and cool (even at 5!). That's great you had a chat with him about it and he can open up to you x