Do you play with your children?

[InvisibleDisability]

So this probably isn’t helped by the fact we’re not living at home and instead with husband’s parents while we have work done and I feel their beady eyes watching me constantly.

But do you actually ever play games / role play etc with your child/children? My in laws play with them non-stop when we’re around (5 year old and 9 month old) but I feel it’s not fair as there’s 2 of them and they’ve got all the time when I’m out and about with the kids to get chores done. When I’m home with the kids I’ve got chores to do so can’t be playing with them non-stop! Also, MIL insists on keeping an immaculate house and makes digs at the fact I “never clean” (errr I do clear and clean up after ourselves and we have our cleaner come once a week)

basically I’m feeling like a rubbish mum today and like I’m totally not welcome in this house. Sorry for the rant.

[CurlyOrchid]

I try to play with my 9 month old a lot because I know it’s the best thing for her cognitive development. But equally she sits and plays (if I’m lucky!) whilst I do chores around the house.
I think it’s very important to play with them. But equally don’t be so hard on yourself because children need their own down time too, time to play and explore on their own, think for themselves and work out the world around them. Most of the time even the really young ones will get your attention if they aren’t happy playing alone.
i would say it’s a balancing act between playing and interacting with them, and equally not being constantly in their face so they have no time to take things in for themselves.
grandparents and other family members will do this 24/7 because they want to make the most of their time with them because they aren’t with them all the time. Parents are always on duty and chores, meals, rest and general life will always take up some of your time.

[autienotnaughty]

I think it's a challenge when they are younger as they don't structurally play so it's harder (boring) to join in.

I play with my 7 ur old. We do lego, hot wheels, switch, uno, read and play board games.

[TheLastSpoon]

I feel you there. I’m pretty exhausted and feel like I’m constantly cleaning but I try to set aside a minimum of 30 minutes play even if I’m dead tired. Sometimes I will will up a little extra energy and it will go on for an hour or longer. I guess the hard part is getting started.

[AndEverWhoKnew]

I remember playing on my own a lot when I was small so I always try to play with our DC. I can clean when they're asleep.

[PensionPuzzle]

I couldn't read this and not reply because I was in almost identical circumstances having the same horrible time of it recently so you have my sympathy.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's not you, it's them. If you're being criticised for not being Mrs Hinch and simultaneously being tutted at for not being mum of the year then what are you meant to do? It got to the point where I decided I'd just do what I thought was best rather than what I felt pressured into doing.

Bite tongue, deep breath, look forward to being back in control of who you mix with, and how often.

[purpleme12]

Yes I play with her.
She hates playing by herself. I know people on here always say it's doable but I've never got her to play by herself. Or at least it's been very occasionally. Frankly I think she gets lonely.
But that's not to say I'm doing it all the time..
But I have one so it's easier for her to get lonely

[Milkand2sugarsplease]

DS 1 required a lot of input from me until he was about 3 and he then just "got" playing by himself for a bit while I got other things done too. He's nearly 10 now and is great at amusing himself but also LOVES playing board games with us so we play games several times a week after ds2 has gone to bed.

DS2 is similar to ds1 at that age (18m). He treats DH and I very differently - with me he's very labour intensive, brings me every toy under the sun, clambers all over me, clings yo my legs etc. with DH, he's far more independent and actually lets DH get stuff done around the house.

Play is important but so is learning to self occupy and learning that boredom is ok sometimes too. Play when you can, don't when you can't but certainly don't feel guilty about the times you can't.

[Aria2015]

Not really. I don't like 'playing'. I'll sit on the floor and 'be there' and I'll chat all day long and be there for a million cuddles but playing? Not so much. Have to say that both mine are great at entraining themselves and they're happy as long as I'm nearby and on hand to engage with. I don't feel bad about it. I do loads of things of that I don't like because it's the best thing for them, but I don't think being their full time entertainer is the best thing for them anyway and I don't love it and so they play and I'm there nearby for cuddles and chat.

[TheLastSpoon]

@Aria2015

Not really. I don't like 'playing'. I'll sit on the floor and 'be there' and I'll chat all day long and be there for a million cuddles but playing? Not so much. Have to say that both mine are great at entraining themselves and they're happy as long as I'm nearby and on hand to engage with. I don't feel bad about it. I do loads of things of that I don't like because it's the best thing for them, but I don't think being their full time entertainer is the best thing for them anyway and I don't love it and so they play and I'm there nearby for cuddles and chat.

This is a more accurate description of what i do when playing with my toddler. Though with her educational toys that teach her motor skills I will play with them to model what they are technically there to do because she doesn’t always play with the the “correct” way until someone shows her. For instance we have a toy tissue box. I will put the tissues in and then take them out. She then imitates. We also one of those shapes sorters. She didn’t understand that the shapes go in until I did it. We just kind of experiment around really. Lately I’ve been teaching her to take turns rolling her ball back and forth. She thinks it’s hilarious for some reason. Sometimes we do some pretty rowdy tickle fighting but that takes so much energy. I leave that to her dad mostly because I’m just so dead tired. lol I would say that maybe happens twice a month with me personally. Lol!

I guess in the end really I just demonstrate proper toy usage for educational purposes. 😂

[Goldbar]

Surely it doesn't really matter who plays with your children the most so long as they are played with?

You're viewing this the wrong way. Your in-laws are a resource. That resource is directed at your children who will be soaking up all the benefits that come from roleplay and imaginary play. So your children are hugely advantaged by having involved adults who are willing to play with them without the usual parental time pressures. Separately, if you feel that it is important for your bond with your DC to spend more time playing, then definitely build it into the day... at bathtime, on the way home from school, out of the house where you feel less self-conscious.

I can imagine it must be quite annoying for you living with them though.

[TheLastSpoon]

@Goldbar

Surely it doesn't really matter who plays with your children the most so long as they are played with?

You're viewing this the wrong way. Your in-laws are a resource. That resource is directed at your children who will be soaking up all the benefits that come from roleplay and imaginary play. So your children are hugely advantaged by having involved adults who are willing to play with them without the usual parental time pressures. Separately, if you feel that it is important for your bond with your DC to spend more time playing, then definitely build it into the day... at bathtime, on the way home from school, out of the house where you feel less self-conscious.

I can imagine it must be quite annoying for you living with them though.

This isn’t a bad way to look at it. Though I can understand how OP must feel awful feeling so judged. But yes it can be worked into the day if one tries. Perhaps mixing it in with a required task like you mentioned. We are getting our daughter bath toys for the holidays. Playing with them while eating is also an option. I was just explaining in another thread that I make funny chomping noises while teaching her to eat with her spoon. I also strongly believe that the physical act of caring for our children is a bonding exercise within itself. We just don’t realize it. I think OP needs to give herself more credit where credit is due!

[Aria2015]

@TheLastSpoon as I think you've stated, I of course model behaviour ie show them how to put the shapes in the right hole or balance bricks to make a tower. I just don't play 'cars' or 'mummy's and daddy's' for long periods. I encourage them to play and I watch and engage through chat. Lots of eye contact, lots of communication and lots of attention just not acting as a playmate.

[TheLastSpoon]

@Aria2015

@TheLastSpoon as I think you've stated, I of course model behaviour ie show them how to put the shapes in the right hole or balance bricks to make a tower. I just don't play 'cars' or 'mummy's and daddy's' for long periods. I encourage them to play and I watch and engage through chat. Lots of eye contact, lots of communication and lots of attention just not acting as a playmate.

Yes yes. I agree! I feel like that would be too tiring. This is why play dates exist in my opinion! I wish I had the energy to do that kind of thing but even if I did it wouldn’t hold my attention for terribly long. There is a toddler playground nearby. We take her there when the weather is nice so she can meet other children and if they want to play those types of games that is their opportunity.

[MusicstillonMTV]

I love playing with my kids and do it all the time.

My in laws criticise me for it and tell me I should ignore them more so that they play on their own

I feel like people are always telling me that I shouldn't play with my kids, it's better for them to play on their own, playing with them is so boring. But I genuinely enjoy it - especially role play which I gather everyone else hates

Moral of the story - you can't win! do what you like!

[MangshorJhol]

Sometimes but we live with my in laws who love playing with them (and I am DEEPLY grateful for it). FIL can play endlessly with the kids and MIL was a godsend during homeschooling. I count my blessings all the time! (Also DH is much better than playing with them than I am).

[Aria2015]

@MusicstillonMTV I genuinely think that's really lovely and if you enjoy it, then it's a real
genuine connection that your kids will benefit from. I think there are so many ways parents can lovingly connect with their kids. We all have likes / dislikes, strengths / weaknesses. We just have to play to them and form these genuine connections.

[TheLastSpoon]

@MusicstillonMTV

I love playing with my kids and do it all the time.

My in laws criticise me for it and tell me I should ignore them more so that they play on their own

I feel like people are always telling me that I shouldn't play with my kids, it's better for them to play on their own, playing with them is so boring. But I genuinely enjoy it - especially role play which I gather everyone else hates

Moral of the story - you can't win! do what you like!

That’s really odd. I think it’s fine to play with your constant especially if you love it! I wish I had the energy to do it really! It’s fantastic and nothing wrong without it. You’re content will cherish these memories and so will you. We ourselves have a funny game we play called “monster bag” where we take a reusable shopping bag and chase ours around with it and pretend that it is eating her. 😂 Then it goes on one of our head and she rescues us by removing it. Lots of laughs and memories all around. What kind of people must they be to think that having fun is somehow bad? Must be the most boring dry people ever. Maybe someone stole their childhood fun and this is how they are coping.

[TheLastSpoon]

children * not constant! lol

[MusicstillonMTV]

@TheLastSpoon

That’s really odd. I think it’s fine to play with your constant especially if you love it! I wish I had the energy to do it really! It’s fantastic and nothing wrong without it. You’re content will cherish these memories and so will you. We ourselves have a funny game we play called “monster bag” where we take a reusable shopping bag and chase ours around with it and pretend that it is eating her. 😂 Then it goes on one of our head and she rescues us by removing it. Lots of laughs and memories all around. What kind of people must they be to think that having fun is somehow bad? Must be the most boring dry people ever. Maybe someone stole their childhood fun and this is how they are coping.

I don't know if it's just an American phenomenon (my in laws are American) but I feel like there's a whole thing about how playing with your kids is bad. Eg this article.

www.parent.com/blogs/conversations/dont-play-kids-heres

But I just do my own thing and ignore it

[Merrow]

My mum is exceptional at playing with DS and gets really involved in role play games. I can do it if I really try, but it's not my natural skill set.

However! I am very good at sitting by the side of a train track and listening to what DS is saying about all the trains, and why they're stopping at this station, and putting my train in the siding at the right time. My mum finds this incredibly dull and can't do it.

I think it's important that they have your undivided attention at times, but that doesn't mean you have to play with them constantly and only play a certain way.

I definitely do chores around DS, and invite him to join in. He'll do it sometimes - he likes giving me the pegs in we're hanging out washing - but generally he's pretty accepting that if I say I'm doing a chore it means he's playing by himself.

Usually when we get up we have half an hour together where I do what he wants - books / trains / pretending to be buzz lightyear. Then the practicalities of the morning start, and how much we play together later depends on our plans for the day.

[123woop]

Occasionally - I'll set a timer and say to them "right, mummy will sit and play for 10/15/30 minutes" and then there's no shouting when I have to leave (and it mentally feels a lot more manageable for me 😅)

It also doesn't have to be sitting and playing with them - it can be doing make believe whilst you get them ready for the day. So our dining room is "the cafe" and they pretend to order what they'd like. When I brush their hair they're "going to the hairdresser". When I do their teeth it's "the dentist".

From a mum who HATES playing and even hated "playing" as a child 🤣🤣

[Ncgirlseriously]

I do play with my son but not all the time. Some days we have lots of playing and other days we have less. I’m on my own so I often have to use the time he’s playing happily by himself to get stuff done.

I think as long as they’re engaged it’s fine, and I always try and talk to him about what he’s doing and ask questions.

[Fleabigg]

I play with my 5 year old but certainly not non-stop. If she’s happy in independent play I’ll leave her to it as long as she likes. If she wants me to play a game or something and I’m in a position to do so then I will. Quite often she just wants me to be in the same room but not necessarily heavily involved in what she’s doing, so we spend quite a lot of time in the kitchen/dining/family area so that I can be e.g. cooking tea while she’s playing.

[Caspianberg]

I don’t play with him all day, no.

I will often set things up and start with him like brio train set for 10 mins, then he will play alone 20 mins whilst I’m doing something.
Or I set up painting or craft at the table in kitchen, and then I’m making dinner in the same room. So I can watch and talk to him, but I’m not sitting painting all the time with him.

[DolphinNosePotato1]

No, I never play with mine. I have 2 who are a year apart (plus a new baby) and they play together and have no need for me to get involved in any play which suits me just fine. I am of course there and interacting with them but I don’t get involved with any of their games. My sister’s daughter insists on my sister playing with her and it looks incredibly tedious.