Struggling to accept that my baby needed surgery after birth

[Sunshines89]

Hi all,
I guess I’m looking for some words of wisdom that I haven’t been able to find anywhere so far.
My very much longed for DD was born 5 months ago. After she was born, they realised she needed surgery to deal with a couple of issues. Both were successful and she’s currently thriving - some potential risks in the future to watch out for but pretty much the ‘normal’ risks all kids can face just enhanced (e.g. choking, asthma).
No matter how well she is doing, I still just can’t accept that she needed to go through all that. It breaks my heart that I failed at the first hurdle of keeping her safe and well. I feel like her life is forever tainted by something that shouldn’t have happened and no matter how amazing and special she is to me, it’s a constant cloud over our time together.
I’ve understandably had a lot of postnatal anxiety which I’ve had CBT for. I’ve been diagnosed with mild PTSD, below the threshold the mental health service will help with. I don’t feel depressed, I just can’t seem to process and get over the fact that my baby needed surgery. It goes round in my head so much and I still feel a lot of anger and resentment that it had to happen to her.
I guess I would appreciate any advice that might help me move forward from it and just enjoy her as much as possible. It feels like it gets harder to accept the more our bond grows, as it hurts even more to think about what she’s had to go through. I know everyone always says you don’t know love until you have a child but I really didn’t know just how overwhelming the love would be, and I think maybe my love for her and how perfect I think she is feels tainted somehow by the surgery. I feel like I’m rambling but trying to get across where my head is at in the hope that someone might be able to relate and maybe help.
TIA x

[Namechanger355]

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way.

birth and parenting can be so complex and I also went through some really difficult feelings following the birth of my child - the love is so overwhelming and it’s difficult to ever prepare for how significant a life and mental change having a child can be.

you should definitely speak to a professional who can help you reframe your thoughts in the right way. I suffered a form of pnd and that helped.

because if you think about it objectively you haven’t failed at anything. Any number of issues can arise during pregnancy, birth or beyond -unfortunately these things can happen to anyone. you haven’t failed in anyway - but rather you have grown a beautiful little child and brought it into the world.

But the fact that you are feeling this way shows how wonderful a mother you are - your love is raw and powerful and your desire to protect your little one is fierce. It just shows how lucky your baby is to have you to be honest - sadly some children do not benefit from such a strong parent.

your child is now thriving - and that is in no small part down to you, in supporting their recovery and growth.

Please give yourself the credit for the wonderful parent you seem to be

[Sunshines89]

@Namechanger355 thank you so much for your kind words. Brought a tear to my (very emotional) eyes. I think I will look for some more professional support beyond what the NHS is able to provide. They keep telling me to practice mindfulness but it doesn’t quite cut it! Thank you again for taking the time to respond ❤️