Controlled crying

[Astrid7]

Hi, I’m feeling MASSIVE mum guilt as I let my kids cry it out at around 9 months. First I was there and did it my way, with my hands on them and comforting them etc. Then when that stopped working after a while I tried coming in a regular intervals to smooth when they were crying but that seemed to make them worse! So I ended up leaving them to cry and it stopped sooner. I felt I had no other choice at the time as they were too big to carry around in a sling all the time and I needed sleep and a relationship with my husband!!
However, now I am suffering huge guilt at what we did and am stressing about leaving them with damaged little brains that haven’t formed properly because of it.
My hope is that they were and are loved and paid attention to throughout this and the rest of their lives (they are 2&3 now) and so hopefully the neurones will have had chance to connect all the other time?
Anyone else experienced these feelings or have any advice?

[MolliciousIntent]

Let it go. Honestly. CC doesn't do any lasting damage, your kids are fine and your sanity and marriage is intact.

I did CC with my daughter at 9 months. She's 2 now and I have zero regrets, it was the best parenting decision I made, and I made it for all of us.

[PizzaPatel]

Is this guilt coming from somewhere? Why has it started now?

i did CC with my son at 15 months and he loves bedtime, loves sleep and loves his parents, so my own experience suggests that it hasn’t done him any harm at all.

[Astrid7]

Thank you both. I feel it now because I’m formally learning about child development and it’s come up in class. The people surrounding me haven’t done it and don’t agree with it so I don’t feel like I can even admit to it.
My two both love bedtime also and sleep and us! I just can’t help worrying they may have had a better wired brain if I hadn’t done it

[PizzaPatel]

I really wouldn’t worry. If you hadn’t done it, maybe you’d have been a worse parent from exhaustion, or they’d have been more tired because of all the night waking.

There are no perfect parents but children thrive with parents who love them, care for them and provide for them. We’re all going to make decisions that others find controversial or wrong - ALL of us. We’ll all do it differently. We should all just remember we’re doing our best and try not to judge each other. I’m sure you’re a great mum.

[Twizbe]

I did controlled crying with both mine and 9 months.

They are fine and well attached and secure in our love.

It doesn't cause any damage and I'm sure more of those other parents have done it than are admitting it.

[Astrid7]

Thank you 🙏 That is true- we were doing it because we felt we had to.

[MolliciousIntent]

I'd question what you're being taught, honestly. There is no research that suggests that CC causes any kind of damage, AFAIK.

All the research I've seen suggests that babies who have been through CC or similar methods of sleep training wake just as much as babies who haven't. The mum-shaming brigade interpret this as "your baby has learnt not to cry because they know you won't come", rather than "your baby has learnt they don't need to cry if they wake because they can just go back to sleep". Case in point - my daughter doesn't cry if she wakes in the night unless she needs something. If she needs something, I go in and give it to her. I'm assuming you do the same.

Then there's all the studies on cortisol, which would have a negative impact if you left your baby to cry for hours and hours and hours every day of their life, but if left to cry for an hour or so for 3 days, not so much.

Read Emily Oster's Cribsheet if you want some common sense applied to the research.

[Astrid7]

That is a very good point- it is for a very short period of time on the grand scheme of development. And yes, they cry out if they need something at night and I always go to them- as soon as I knew they would sleep through usually, I knew if they cried out they needed me and I go in. It is probably the way I’m interpreting the info, I’m internalising it and maybe putting too much emphasis on one aspect of my parenting rather than looking at the bigger picture. They are loved and cared for and know it.

[Maroon85]

@Astrid7

Thank you both. I feel it now because I’m formally learning about child development and it’s come up in class. The people surrounding me haven’t done it and don’t agree with it so I don’t feel like I can even admit to it.
My two both love bedtime also and sleep and us! I just can’t help worrying they may have had a better wired brain if I hadn’t done it

What are you studying, and what exactly has been taught about it?
Surely you're learning that there is no evidence that it causes any sort of damage to the brain

[Astrid7]

I’m learning about child development and the critical stages from newborn up. It’s nothing about controlled crying specifically, just unattended crying leads to inability to form neural pathways that allow the brain to go from stress to calm. They stay stressed. There was a conversation in the classroom around cc as it is introduced at around the time when the brain is developing this. It’s that that started my worries.

[MolliciousIntent]

@Astrid7

I’m learning about child development and the critical stages from newborn up. It’s nothing about controlled crying specifically, just unattended crying leads to inability to form neural pathways that allow the brain to go from stress to calm. They stay stressed. There was a conversation in the classroom around cc as it is introduced at around the time when the brain is developing this. It’s that that started my worries.

Yeah, they're talkin about actual neglect, not CC. As per my previous post, you'd have to let your baby cry a LOT more, on a constant basis, over a long period of time, before they ended up with damaged neural pathways.

[MadameDragon]

If you look at the actual studies you are being taught about, were they the ones done in the Romanian orphanages? IIRC they haven’t been replicated in non-neglected children.

[Astrid7]

They could have been, I don’t have my work to check now. It was based around the ‘streams’ of development: being, doing and thinking and what happens in each stage. So a model which was presumably based on research!
Think I need to put it in perspective, others will disagree, it’s hard when it’s your lecturer too though!

[User3568975431146]

Controlled crying is horrible. We tried it one night with one of ours and lasted 10 minutes. Modern thinking and advice has a lot to answer for regarding controlled crying.

[MolliciousIntent]

@User3568975431146

Controlled crying is horrible. We tried it one night with one of ours and lasted 10 minutes. Modern thinking and advice has a lot to answer for regarding controlled crying.

ODFOD.

[OnceuponaRainbow18]

There are A few studies showing how the brain changes when needs aren’t met but these are from babies in orphanages who are left to cry day in and day out so the learn not to bother crying.

There is also more research showing that this damage can be reversed!

[Mmmmdanone]

There really is a massive difference between between bit of cc and Romanian orphanages. I got a load of abuse on a forum (netmums I thnk) for doing cc when my dd was a baby, telling me it would damage my dd. She's 17 now and showing no problems as far as I can see and we have a brilliant relationship. Cc saved my sanity.

[Twizbe]

@User3568975431146

Controlled crying is horrible. We tried it one night with one of ours and lasted 10 minutes. Modern thinking and advice has a lot to answer for regarding controlled crying.

Not helpful

[Janedoe82]

Nothing can be done now- just have to focus on ensuring strong attachments.
For those that say it does no wrong- have a look at the Solihull approach, from HV in the UK. It isn’t great to use controlled crying.