DH not coping :(

[motherofsavages34]

We have a 4 week old baby and the last few weeks have been rough. Dd is a poor sleeper and cries a lot. I have 2 dc from a previous relationship. DH has no other kids.

I know DH is struggling. He can't seem to settle her as well as I can (maybe she senses his anxiety or maybe she's just more used to being with me) and everytime she cries with him he takes it as a personal failure. He helps a lot with practical things - housework, making bottles and so on - but he's doing less hands on stuff with baby because he presumes he's failing.

I have tried to reassure him countless times and told him that all babies cry and the first few months are notoriously hard but it will pass. But now I'm starting to feel fed up as his low mood is impacting on me too. I feel as if he regrets having dd and misses life before. It makes me feel vulnerable like he'd prefer to be away from us. I am knackered, hormonal, recovering from a traumatic birth and looking after a very demanding newborn so the last thing I need is to be constantly reassuring him too but because I'm the one with experience I guess I've taken the lead.

What can I say to make him understand this is all normal and temporary and no reflection on him? Aibu to be getting frustrated with it?

Hi OP. Sorry to hear this. I'm not sure I can offer much specific advice as we had a very complex situation with me being ill - but wanted to say hi, and to bump your post a little!

It sounds like you're being very understanding but it's just adding another layer of exhaustion. My DH really struggled with the change of pace and I had to just be really honest when I felt like I needed support, and in what ways. He eventually took a week's sick leave and it really helped us all!

Best of luck xx

I don't think you're unreasonable. But it's not necessarily on you to fix this. Had he got a relative or friend who might be good here instead? Or he might need to get there on his own.

I just can't help feeling like I have somehow ruined his life which is ridiculous as we both made the choice to have a baby. It's not like he hasnt been supportive but I can just sense that things aren't as he'd expected or hoped for. And his sense of disappointment is just adding more stress to an already difficult time. I'm worried resentment will build on both sides and it will damage our relationship.

It might help him to talk to another dad? I think it’s pretty normal for babies to settle better for mum, especially in the very early stages.

Hearing that someone else has had similar experience might make him feel like less of a failure. Do many of his friends have kids?

You're a wonderful partner. Even if you don't do this normally- try sitting him down, look into his eyes and promise him this is TEMPORARY. Just make him listen to you and say in a few months you'll be proud of yourself you've survived this. It's so normal to be overwhelmed. I know my husband and I were too. We bickered and just couldn't believe what our lives became. 6 months on we are closer and stronger than ever before and we had no idea it was possible. Left foot, right foot, breathe. Best thing you can do for your child is to love their mother- that's another advice I repeat to everyone. And sometimes loving does mean housework, it's such help. Good luck!

I Second Talking to another - maybe more experienced Dad.
Also in the short term could he have specific jobs to do eg nappies, housework, kids. With the agreement you will re visit this in a month? Maybe by then his confidence will have increased.

Honestly, I just wouldn't be pandering to this, you've got enough on your plate as it is. He needs to buck his ideas up and do more. The more familiar your DD becomes with him holding her, talking to her and generally spending time with her, the less inclined she'll be to cry.

Also just wanted to add, at 4 weeks you don't have a "bad sleeper". You have a baby... who sleeps just like a 4 week old baby.

Sorry poor choice of words there. I just meant we aren't getting a lot of sleep. Having already had two dc I expected this (although she definitely sleeps less and more unsettled than both of them) but dh seems quite shocked at how tough it's actually been.
I find myself taking on more so he doesn't have to do it and so he avoids the feelings of overwhelm and failure that he's clearly having. But obviously that can't work long term.
I just want him to feel happy not like his life has been ruined. It's hard at the moment but it won't be like this always.

You are in incredibly early days. You mentioned bottles so I guess that means you could leave the baby with him for an hour or so?
Could do that - take older ones for an ice cream or something and leave him to it? Exposure is the only answer here.

Also as you've had kids and he's a new dad- his default is probably that you know what you are doing and he doesn't. It's very different to being in it together for the first second or third time.

Good luck. You will look back on this and laugh in a five a couple years or so

@effoffyouseeyounexttuesday that's not a bad idea, throw him in at the deep end lol.
Every stage is challenging. If he's not coping now and having this 'poor me' attitude I don't see how that'll change when we have a tantrummy toddler or a stroppy teen.
Obviously it's all new to him now and hopefully he will have learnt a bit by then. I'm just getting a little fed up at the self pity. I feel like I'm pandering to him as well as a newborn.

Learned helplessness springs to mind. !

My DH was a bit like this when our first DC was born, but the difference was that we were both clueless, so I suppose he took it less personally. Have you been honest with how his behaviour is making you feel OP? I can see how you, having your third DC, would be much more confident and able to take the long view than him, having his first, but he needs to stop being a drip and step up.

Presumably, he wanted a child of his own and that's why you've had a DC together? If so, he gets to get the fuck on with it. No one said having a newborn was easy - particularly the first time and if you get a high needs baby - but you just have to pull together and crack on and recognise that this phase doesn't last very long, even though it feels like it does at the time.

I would tell him you already have 3 children to look after and don’t need another one. You both decided to have a baby so you both have to suck it up and deal with it. He needs to stop feeling sorry for himself, and bloody step up. Don’t let this become the pattern of your relationship.

At 4 weeks why do you need him to settle her? Are you breastfeeding? If so best will in the world it isn't him she wants and won't do for a good few months yet....that's not to say you let him off the hook totally but don't force the whole him being able to settle her on him? It will come with time when she's not a new born and not so reliant on you

Hiya, sorry you're going through this. I just wondered if your DH struggles with anxiety and confidence generally? Having a newborn is a real shock to the system, and because you've already done it twice before he may feel inferior to you and be worrying that he's not doing things right. To me, this sounds like it could possibly be post-natal depression or post-natal anxiety, which I think occurs for around 10% of dads so it's not unusual - and actually I know men who have had similar issues with their first babies and who I felt terribly sorry for (I appreciate it is easier to feel sympathy for someone when you're not doing all the grunt work with the baby though!!!!). I would suggest speaking to your health visitor for advice, or asking him to speak to his GP to see if he can get some support. He might not feel it's bad enough to do that now, but actually if he tackles this quickly then it could stop it escalating. Good luck x

@breatheintheamazing I am bottle feeding so no. I am doing the majority of care but I just mean that if I ask him to hold her while I have a shower or make a sandwich and she cries he seems to take it as 'oh she doesn't like me, I can't settle her like you can, I'm failing as a parent, this isn't how I thought it would be.' And then goes into a low mood which I find quite draining.

Has he tried skin to skin, my husband did quite a lot of this in the newborn stage and I think it really helped. If she likes a bath, maybe he could try getting in with her. Even though I was breastfeeding, he could still settle her, as long as she wasn’t hungry!

My DH was like this with our daughters - but incidentally not like this with our son (he's a twin with one of the girls actually) - I confronted him and it came out he was actually quite scared of handling our little girl twin as she was so tiny but little boy twin being a chunky solid baby (and twice the size) he seemed much more confidant with
Could that be it?

What is he normally like? Is he inclined to have a "poor me" attitude in other areas? Or is this very unlike him?
That would change how I felt, and how I dealt with it.

@SickAndTiredAgain he can be quite sulky when he perceives himself to be failing in other areas too.

Another useless man. Sorry OP.
I would nip this in the bud right now.

Sorry it’s tough. I agree with previous posters, that some of his lack confidence could be down to inexperience.

My first was breastfed and a total Velcro baby. DH used to take her out in the sling for an hour or two after work to give me a break and have some bonding time with her. Could he do something like that?