Please reassure me my 12yo will become an OK adult

[Covert19]

TLDR: Tell me the most pea-brained things your child did, and how they've turned out 15 years later.

This is mostly lighthearted - please no armchair diagnoses of ADHD, ASD, etc

I have a wonderful 12yo son. He's got the memory of a goldfish and the attention span of a hamster. Organisational skills are zero. Won't use a diary, despite me giving him one and showing him how to use it effectively.

He's constantly losing things at school. I've just had to fork out another £50 for lost PE kit items (I got them in the next size up, so they're effectively next year's kit and I don't feel too out of pocket).

I've had some success in getting him to remember to go to his music lessons in school by making him pay for the ones he misses (suddenly he's found the ability to check the timing and set an alarm on his phone).

Yesterday, he managed to miss his school bus home - the school is a 45 drive from home - but he realised rather than making me do a 90 minutes round trip, he could get back to our town on a mixture of Underground and overground trains. He had his bank card with him and phoned to tell me his plan. I, of course, was having kittens at the thought of him navigating his way around public transport, but he tagged along with some streetwise friends who travel on the tube to school usually, and they took him as far as the overground. He managed to get back home to our town on the train. Hooray! Except, he lost his wallet somewhere along the way. [facepalm].

This is him all over. Confident in a way, but clueless and not at all able to organise his thoughts and his belongings so that things like this don't happen. If ever I try to talk to him about something in advance - like how he can make sure he doesn't lose his wallet by keeping it zipped up in a bag and not in his hip pocket, he gets narky and won't accept that it's a possibility that he might need some help with - then it all goes wrong.

He has trouble taking responsibility for his mistakes and, I think this impedes his ability to think ahead and avoid things going wrong.

Please tell me this is normal. Please tell me about your now adult sons and daughters who were like this but grew up to be capable adults who did not go through life in a fog of lost documents and missed appointments. He's sending me prematurely grey.

[itsgettingwierd]

Thanks FTE

[NoSquirrels]

@itsgettingwierd

What does TLDR mean?

Too Long Didn’t Read

Basically internet shorthand for - this is the nub of the problem if you don’t want all the background.

[Pipecleaner50]

The thing is OP, he has shown himself to be capable of responding to consequences and capable of getting himself out of problems.

I'm sorry if I'm way off with this, but you do sound a bit of a helicopter parent who comes swooping in to save the day quite a lot. Make him face the consequences of his actions. PE kit goes missing, the money you spent on it comes out his allowance. Home work not done, let him get detention.

[Ginevere]

I hate to tell you the opposite of what you asked for, but my little sister was exactly like this when she was his age. Forgetful, scatty, couldn’t follow simple instructions. She’s now 26 and frankly acts like a 15 year old. She’s utterly unreliable, has lost jobs because of it. She can’t wake up in the morning and my mum still calls her to get her out of bed. She loses bags, phones, keys- recently had to get the council out as she dropped her car keys down a drain. As they drove off she did it again! She breaks things, loses things, is always late, always lost. She’s a walking disaster, and always has been. It’s very annoying, for her as well. I hope your son grows out of it, but if he’s anything like my sister he might not!

[itsgettingwierd]

@Ginevere

I hate to tell you the opposite of what you asked for, but my little sister was exactly like this when she was his age. Forgetful, scatty, couldn’t follow simple instructions. She’s now 26 and frankly acts like a 15 year old. She’s utterly unreliable, has lost jobs because of it. She can’t wake up in the morning and my mum still calls her to get her out of bed. She loses bags, phones, keys- recently had to get the council out as she dropped her car keys down a drain. As they drove off she did it again! She breaks things, loses things, is always late, always lost. She’s a walking disaster, and always has been. It’s very annoying, for her as well. I hope your son grows out of it, but if he’s anything like my sister he might not!

That sounds very much like dyspraxia. Especially the dripping things and breaking things and getting lost.

Sometimes people cannot help these things. It's how they try to overcome them that matters.

OPs son at least sounds like he's trying.

[Giantrooster]

He's got the memory of a goldfish and the attention span of a hamster.

You've just described my dh . He's 60 though (and to comfort you a little very high achieving) getting his attention is all uphill though .

[Covert19]

@Pipecleaner50

The thing is OP, he has shown himself to be capable of responding to consequences and capable of getting himself out of problems.

I'm sorry if I'm way off with this, but you do sound a bit of a helicopter parent who comes swooping in to save the day quite a lot. Make him face the consequences of his actions. PE kit goes missing, the money you spent on it comes out his allowance. Home work not done, let him get detention.

I don't think I have given a single example in which I have "swooped in to save the day" (replacing lost PE kit is just what I, as his Mum, have to do to comply with school policy.)

I don't get involved in his homework - he's had detention for missed homework; I don't remind him of every little thing - he's missed out on fun stuff at school because he forgot to sign up for it. I don't think I helicopter at all. But I sit on the sidelines watching the various mini disasters unfold, and I hug him and cheer him up when he's disappointed about something that's gone wrong of his own doing, and I feel anxious for him almost every day.

[tortoiselover100]

I have adhd and he sounds like he has it too. Sorry, I know you said no armchair diagnoses but seriously, he has adhd!

[tortoiselover100]

Oh and I'm fully functioning too, but still a nightmare in many ways.

[Pinktruffle]

I work in a secondary school, an alarming amount of teenage boys are like this so I wouldn't worry! Most are a bit better by the time they join Sixth Form and are pretty remarkable when they come back to visit us from uni so I'm sure he will be fine.

[Unsuremover]

My friend is like this. She’s successful and married with kids but my god waiting for her to find her phone has probably cost me days of my life. She found work arounds, everyone abs vaguely trusts has copies of her keys and is on first name basis with the bloke that prints work ID’s. Ironically she’s usually got spares of everything (tights, chargers, reading glasses etc) if you need something when your out because she stuffs her bag, coat and car with things she usually forgets.

Best story, her house was broken into. She had given a list of everything stolen to the police and then the police explained her upstairs had been totally trashed, every drawer and cupboard emptied into a heap on thr floor, was she missing jewellery. Nope, she explained that’s how she’d left it in the morning as she was looking for something.

[Goldenrainbow12]

I know the pp wants light hearted responses but difficulty in organising can be a "symptom" of dyslexia. Might be relevant, might not be!

[Bythemillpond]

As for the idea of sending him travelling at 18... I don't know if I could cope with the stress (imagining getting a call from the other side of the planet, "Mum, I've lost my passport

Mine have lost their passports so many times that they have been questioned about it. I think the passport office thought they were running a fake passport scam but then they would find the missing passport

Mine were exactly like your ds growing up. Dd is being tested for ADHD and Ds is about to be. (As am I)

I don’t think either can hold down a normal job and I haven’t worked since the 80s

[Bythemillpond]

Dd and her friend were in Ibiza and managed to not understand when their flights were leaving and were in a nightclub when they got notification on their phone that their flights would be boarding in 40 minutes.

[Etherealhedgehog]

This sounds very much like my brother...who hasn't changed one bit and is now in his mid-30s. BUT, he is also in a well-paid, high powered job - like your son, I think he manages to (mostly) minimise the chaos when it comes to stuff with financial (and reputational) consequences. My best piece of advice would probably be - don't baby him and try to ensure that he deals with the consequences as much as possible himself, even though he's only 12 (though that might just be the bitter older sister in me talking)

[KM38]

Honestly @Covert19 , he sounds like a right character 🤣🤣 I’m sure he has you tearing your hair out at times but he sounds great ❤️🤣 there are 12/13 year olds round where I live who are horrors and are already hanging around smoking and drinking so I’d take yours over that anyway 😅
And you don’t sound like a helicopter parent at all BTW 😊 don’t listen to that crap 🤣

To all the lovely people who have piped up with the unwanted armchair diagnoses - you know you can be forgetful and unorganised without having a condition don’t you? 🤣 not everything has to be labelled!

In all seriousness though OP...unless things change drastically in the next 5/6 years...I’d be limiting his travelling days to backpacking round the UK 🤣🤣🤣🤣 imagine the calls you’d get from some random place in Thailand/Vietnam or somewhere 😅😅😅

I’m sure he will turn out just fine ❤️🤣

[Covert19]

@KM38

Honestly *@Covert19* , he sounds like a right character 🤣🤣 I’m sure he has you tearing your hair out at times but he sounds great ❤️🤣 there are 12/13 year olds round where I live who are horrors and are already hanging around smoking and drinking so I’d take yours over that anyway 😅
And you don’t sound like a helicopter parent at all BTW 😊 don’t listen to that crap 🤣

To all the lovely people who have piped up with the unwanted armchair diagnoses - you know you can be forgetful and unorganised without having a condition don’t you? 🤣 not everything has to be labelled!

In all seriousness though OP...unless things change drastically in the next 5/6 years...I’d be limiting his travelling days to backpacking round the UK 🤣🤣🤣🤣 imagine the calls you’d get from some random place in Thailand/Vietnam or somewhere 😅😅😅

I’m sure he will turn out just fine ❤️🤣

Yes to UK backpacking! I was just relaying to DH my prediction that we'd get a call from the other side of the planet to say he'd lost his passport and DH said, "No, we'd get that phonemail from Kent".

He IS great - I love his company, and he's so funny and loving.

[MoesBar]

I was like this as a child and was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.

Bluetooth trackers have saved my ass so many times

Not an armchair diagnosis, but I’m just saying...

[trunumber]

I don't mean to give you what you didn't want but why don't you want a possible diagnosis?

This sounds like me. I found out at 28 years old that I'm dyspraxic. I struggled my entire life these difficulties and with people trying to make sense of why I was so scatty when I was clearly so bright.

I am fine now, I have a doctorate, I'm senior in the NHS, a house, a partner, a child. I travelled independently. I'm happy.

But life and education would have been so much easier if I'd been diagnosed earlier.

[Roselilly36]

My DS’ is how you describe memory of a goldfish, unable to retain maths formula etc,he could sit with a private tutor in the evening, and yes he could work it out fine, the next morning didn’t have a clue.

Needless to say he did not pass his GCSE in maths.

He is severely dyslexic , dx at 9, only passed one GCSE, which was a surprise as he didn’t think he would passed any, the GCSE he did pass was Eng. Lit, fast forward two years he’s in an apprenticeship, he has an amazing with ethic, he works within an internet based business in specialised field that really interests him.

So based on my experience try not to worry OP.

[trunumber]

Oh as an addition - I do have a doctorate now, but I failed most of my GCSE's because of it and had to resit them all. I was a good kid, I wanted to learn and study, Turns out I just didn't know how.

[UhtredRagnarson]

OP my best friend is like your son. She is in her 40’s and a total scatterbrain. Always losing her keys, bank card, missing her bus etc. But she is the loveliest woman you could hope to meet and in her job which involves working with very vulnerable people and being a manager of a team she somehow manages to ace it. She frets and panics about being useless but when it comes down to it she pulls it out of the bag every time and totally excels.

Have faith. Your son will be absolutely fine. You may just need to keep a spare key handy for him all the time.

[CoalCraft]

People really can't resist the armchair diagnoses can they

[NewUser123456789]

My partner was apparently like this as a child, forever losing stuff, breaking stuff and incapable of anything practical. Nothing has changed, she still loses, knocks over, drops and breaks everything and is still totally useless at anything practical. She's a fully qualified accountant and manages to pay the bills and not kill anybody so in that sense a successful adult.

[FrankensteinIsTheMonster]

@MiddleParking

It’s incredibly strange, unboundaried behaviour to start armchair diagnosing the child of someone who’s specifically requested no diagnoses

Not as "incredibly strange" as using pop-psychology jargon like "unboundaried behaviour" to describe people saying what they think on an anonymous public forum 😂