Friend's toddler is badly behaved - how can I say "ignore tantrums" without upsetting her?

[colditzmum]

My friends 3yr ds is asthmatic, and when he doesn't get his own way, he screams at an earshattering pitch for ages - then he makes himself cough. This terrifies her into just letting him do what he wants, and she is at her wits end. I don't really have anything constructive to offer as my ds is only 18mo, and doesn't do that yet, although I am sure he will! Has anyone got any advice?

Well, it;s slightly at a tangent, but my DS is athsmatic as well and once a coughing fit starts he can quite easily be sick. This really became a problem when we moved him into his big bed and tried to sleep train at the same time. He had a stair gate across his bedroom door and would scream at it till he brought a coughing fit on. Like your friend, I was so concerned that I would immediately dash up and get into bed with him.

Eventually I was having to spend 2 hrs every night lying in his bedroom. Never saw DH. So we decided to leave DS to it. He cried, coughed, and was sick, and I just went and cleaned up the mess with no comment and put him back in bed. Two nights of this and he never did it again.

Obviously I made sure we had his inhalers etc handy in case of emergency.

What about suggesting she watches Little Angels? BBC3 (repeated BBC2) on at about 8.30 most weekdays it seems. IMO the programme is very sensible and with common sense tips, especially re tantrums. And tell your friend about lulupop's experience too. Good luck, it is a bit like treading on eggshells when you want to help a friend in this sensitive area!

What about asking her if there is a support group for parents of asthmatic children which she could join? (You could do a quick search to see if there is.) Other parents of asthmatic children must have come across this problem, and would probably be the best people to advise your friend.

What about telling her that your friend's child was exactly like that at his age, and saying that they tried everything but that the only thing that worked for them was ignoring the tantrum and the coughing? You could also tell them Lulupop's story so she knows that making himself cough won't hurt him.

colditzmum, did your friend ask you for advice? if not, i would leave it alone if i were you, unless she asks you. if his behaviour is getting in the way of your friendship, i suggest you meet your friend without the kids for a while.

hth.