“You’re not English, are you?” - parenting through it

[ToddlerQuestions]

During various lockdowns I’ve been out with the toddler a lot durning the day and this dreaded question is asked, without warning, far more than I’d like and by complete strangers. Always catches me off-guard and I can’t say it leaves me feeling great. Sometimes it also comes up as “where are you really from?”, on the basis that I sound like a Brit but look different. We live in London so hardly a rarity.

Today was another example, toddler waved at a lady in the park, we got chatting (at a distance) and, on the back of some inane pleasantries about the warmer weather she suddenly asks “you’re not English, are you, looking at you?”. I did what I always do when this happens and calmly said “oh, actually we’d better get home”. (I say “always”, it’s happened 4 times in a year.) I don’t trust someone who thinks like this not to say something else weird in front of the toddler, nor do I want to keep talking to them myself.

The thing is, this time, once we left the toddler asked “wot’s English”? I doubt she really understood and I fobbed her off with a cookie because I didn’t know what to say. She is half English herself, but I feel like I need an age-appropriate way to explain this isn’t ok - what have others done, if anything? Or is there a better way to handle this in the moment? I just feel awful about the whole thing yet again and never want DD to feel “othered” the way I do myself over this as she gets older.

[KarmaNoMore]

The problem with the question is the assumption that you don't belong

That is exactly the problem and why such question gets tiring and annoying with time.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

you can easily tell by accent if someone is British

No you can’t. There are many British forces children who are raised overseas and have all kinds of accents. Not everyone who is British will have a British accent.

[Alexandernevermind]

I often ask about heritage, but it makes me cringe to think I have offended anyone. I promise though, it's purely out of wanting to get to know people better, and the very British fascination with different cultures and ancestral journeys. I will ask, "what is your accent", or "what is your heritage" if I am already in a conversation with someone. I hope that hasn't offended anyone.

[KarmaNoMore]

I would be offended if someone asked about my heritage, that’s miles worse than where is your accent from.

By all means, ask me when we are close friends but out of the blue, fuck no, it makes you feel as a museum specimen.

[bourbonne]

Fwiw I'm not offended by being asked about my heritage. That said, I am white, just not very British-looking, so I've never had reason to feel that anyone is coming at it from a political angle, and I've only had positive or neutral reactions.

I wouldn't straight-out ask anyone "what's your heritage?" but I wouldn't consider the topic off-limits if it came up. E.g. if they mentioned family abroad or speaking another language, I might ask follow-up questions.

[Babyiskickingmyribs]

OP I get this question because of my accent all the time (white, UK born, lived in a few different places, currently France) I hate it so much. To me it’s quite a personal question and I resent random people I’ve only just met feeling they have a right to that information. We don’t ask everyone we meet how old they are, and I think ´where are you from’ is asking for personal information of a similar level.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

Surely asking someone where they are from is a conversation starter and it’s less about the question and more about how sociable someone is?

I am also happy about my heritage! Happy to talk about it and most people have visited (or did!)