I don't know why I did it

[NiKiTaCoLlEt]

I'm nervous posting this but I can't calm my brain. I feel confused and shocked.

So me and my 3 year old boy had the best day today. Honestly felt like I was bossing it as a mum. We were both happy and the day just flowed.

One thing happened though that I can't understand and now he's sound asleep in bed I'm driving myself crazy over it.

So we went to a park to practiced his scooter. He decided he wanted me to push him on it. With both his feet on it and me pushing from behind.

He hasn't mastered steering yet and I couldn't steer from behind so every time we got to the edge of the path I would stop and straighten him up and go again. But for some reason unknown on the last go I was pushing from behind and we were going towards the edge of the path which goes into grass and rather then stop the scooter I let go of him. Knowing full well he would fall off as the scooter hit the grass.

I don't understand what the hell i thought I was doing and what made my brain think that was a good idea. I picked him up straight away and checked he was ok and he was fine. He was rubbing his knees a bit. But no tears and we carried on having fun. BUT WHY? I would never want to hurt him. I don't get it? Why did I do that? I feel sick that my brain decided to do that.

It's like I had a intrusive thought to do it and then did it before I realised what I was doing. He could of hurt himself, it could of made him not want to go in his scooter again and he's only a beginner 😢 why why why???

[LynetteScavo]

I think letting him take a risk when hitting the grass was totally normal for a 3yo.

It's must be so hard that you over think things.Most people wouldn't think about it again if their DC was OK.

Your DS will have learned what happens when he hits the grass now, and he'll be on his way to learning to steer his scooter by himself, which is actually really healthy for him.

[Periwinkletoes]

I had friends over to visit when their daughter was a toddler (my two were a little older). They were a bit 'helicopter parents'. My kitchen has two steps down into it and I was watching her climb down backwards into the room. She was managing fine and I was close enough to catch her if she wobbled. My friends rushed in and grabbed her in a panic then said accusingly 'she can't manage stairs' making me feel like I'd just allowed her to play with a chainsaw. I did think 'well she's never going to manage them if you don't let her have a go.' Allowing our children to test their boundaries is good parenting in my view.

[Erina2110]

I wouldn't worry about it, you sound like a wonderful mum and I'm sure it's probably just anxiety causing you to overthink it :)

Maybe because you were having such a lovely time, you felt at ease and your anxiety levels were low so you subconsciously let it play out to teach him that there's a risk of falling when playing on a scooter and you knew he wouldn't get hurt because he was on the grass.

Because you mention you wouldn't usually let him take risks, the shock of seeing him actually fall probably triggered your anxiety.

I hope you're feeling better about it now 🥰

[NiKiTaCoLlEt]

Thank you all so much. I feel a bit better about it today. I can recognize it's my ocd playing a k
Part here xxx

[Anyother]

Good morning, op. I hope you slept okay. Please be mindful your thought don't take you down the OCD rabbit hole. Try and find a way to let go. It was a split second decision and you didn't mean any harm. Only your OCD is trying to tell you that you did - because you love your son so much. Be kind to yourself, this is better for both of you.

[CatbearAmo]

Oh op you must think I am a monster.

I let my dd fall all the time. And I've probably been responsible for a few of her accidents.

I once took her to the top of a big grassy hill to ride down on her balance bike. Massive bad judgement and she flew into the air like ET, did a loop the loop and landed on her nose. Massive nose bleed and a black eye. Two years old.

I let her climb a metal goal post in the park and then she was sat on the roof of it and it was too high to her her down. I had to find a tall dad who could reach her. Two years old.

And when she wasn't even 1, I let my dh convince me that he could take her on this massive slide at center parcs. It clearly wasn't for babies but dh insisted the sign said not for children over six, which meant that babies could ride on their dads knees. The sign meant no children on parents' knees at all and only children above six ride alone. He got a big telling off from the lifeguard and my dd got plunged deep into the water but lived to tell the tale.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a great mum and think of all the great things you taught your child today by letting them fall. And don't try any of the things I did at home.

[Tardigrade001]

You were teaching him to deal with danger. This is partly instinctive. If you watch cats or dogs or any other predators play with their young, you will see that they can be quite rough, and stop just short of hurting them. Purely instinctively, they are training their babies for survival. Maybe this is similar?

Also, maybe deep dow you were annoyed about pushing him on the scooter? It may be fun, but he is not actually learning how to do it, and it's not really safe. Maybe you would rather he practiced his skills instead, and learned how to scoot properly,?

Essentially, by pushing him you took all the effort and all the danger out of scooting for him, and maybe that just felt 'wrong'.

[patchworkthedog]

Maybe you just blanked out a bit? Like you were on autopilot?

[VinoWitch]

I think other posters have it right when they say it's you subconsciously introducing/exposing yourself to that bit of risk within a safe environment: a lesson for him (steer!) and a lesson for you (you can let him go a bit sometimes)

[SwanShaped]

I let my kids do lots of things like that. How will he ever know not to scoot into the grass if he doesn’t learn? I guess the only difference is I’ve always tried to be a bit like that. Let them make their own ‘safe’ mistakes so they can learn to calculate risk. Maybe you could try to be a bit more hands off. Not so he actually properly hurts himself obviously. You could even explain first, if you scoot into the grass then the scooter will stop and you might fall. And then let him make his own mind up about what to do. I think as a parent, you have to be ok with watching your kid fail or stumble. So that they can learn to be ok with it too and not grow up being anxious.

[Seeleyboo]

My oldest daugher was around 17 and we have a tiny chihuahua. He has been with us for 14 years. No one has ever hurt him and my oldest daugher really is the most gentle person. One day she randomly hit him on the head and was instantly mortified. I asked why she did it and to this day she states she knew she was going to do it but couldn't stop herself. She was so upset as to how her own hand could do that when she didn't want it to. Mr Geeps was fine though. He really didn't flinch or care. And Mr Geeps is still with us.

[JerichosPenisInADeadChickHat]

"I once shouted BOO at my baby just as he was looking really relaxed and having a breastfeed."

I've no advice op and I'd say, he's fine. Don't worry about it.

But the above made me laugh 😆 poor baby

[MusicalTrifleMonkey]

Some of the responses her are really harsh.

Intrusive thoughts are very scary. I had them early on with my son and they were mostly about us having accidents but then one day I had an overpowering urge to put a cold spoon on his little head when he was asleep. I almost did it, it was just weird. It wouldn’t have hurt him but probably would have pissed him off.

Reassure yourself that he is okay. There may have been an element of natural behaviour at play here. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, but do keep an eye on your thoughts and feelings. If you find anything creeping in again then go and get help. Intrusive thoughts are horrible and you shouldn’t have to go through them. Look after ourself, you sound like a wonderful mum to me. Xxx

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

Hmm, strange. Do you remember whether you had the thought and pushed him knowing he would fall over and wanted to do it anyway, or do you think your thought process was to see if he would give it a go himself and you knew he would probably fall over, but the grass was there so he would be ok?

[TopBants]

I've watched mine fall a number of times without attempting to intervene. Sometimes, trying to stop them might end up hurting them more by removing their ability to fall well and causing an awkward landing. If I can't stop the fall from happening altogether, I generally let it happen unless there's an obvious danger like a rock.

[Mysteryamazonian]

Learning how to steer means crashing a few times. It's part of the learning.

You mention they you don't like taking any risks with him, and I can understand why this is hard for you, but it's something you need to let yourself do at times so that he can learn things in an age appropriate way.

[PastMyBestBeforeDate]

You were letting him figure out what happens when he doesn't steer. He won't learn if he doesn't go wrong sometimes so best to pick your moment. Which you did.
I have pure OCD and anxiety too so it's really hard to figure out how to deal with risk! I am so much better at it with people I don't know :)

[everybodysang]

[quote NiKiTaCoLlEt]@HunkyPunk I'm the opposite I never let him take risks as I'm scared of him hurting himself. If I can it my way he wouldn't have a bike or scooter lol. That's why this doesn't make sense.

But I feel better after reading these comments. I know I'm a good mum and would never purposely hurt him. I have to try and take it out of my mind I guess. [/quote]
AH but he does have a scooter and you took him to the park to practice on it. You are doing the right thing - even though it's really, really hard to push your own anxieties away.

I think PP is right about letting it play out because you know he's not really in danger - but it's more of a subconscious thing and now your conscious thoughts have had a chance to catch up you're a bit 'WTF'?!

Try to let it go but also don't worry too much about these feelings - I suspect we all do similar things but maybe don't analyse it as much if we don't have the same anxieties. It sounds like you are doing an excellent job.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

[quote NiKiTaCoLlEt]@HunkyPunk I'm the opposite I never let him take risks as I'm scared of him hurting himself. If I can it my way he wouldn't have a bike or scooter lol. That's why this doesn't make sense.

But I feel better after reading these comments. I know I'm a good mum and would never purposely hurt him. I have to try and take it out of my mind I guess. [/quote]
The brain works in mysterious ways, I thino most of us have done similar things...and more than once.

Given what's going on & the associated stresses combined with your diagnosis, I'd cut yourself some slack.

I'm much more worried about you than DS, hope you get some sleep tonight and look after your MH, do what you need to do, to not get the anxiety & OCD back.

DS had a brilliant day, mucky knees is nothing 🌷

[HunkyPunk]

Perhaps, then, it was your way of almost testing yourself to see if you could let him take more (limited) risks? Either way, I honestly wouldn't worry.

[NiKiTaCoLlEt]

@HunkyPunk I'm the opposite I never let him take risks as I'm scared of him hurting himself. If I can it my way he wouldn't have a bike or scooter lol. That's why this doesn't make sense.

But I feel better after reading these comments. I know I'm a good mum and would never purposely hurt him. I have to try and take it out of my mind I guess.

[HunkyPunk]

Posted too soon!
Maybe you're going to be a 'pick yourself up, dust yourself off....' type of Mum with a fearless ds!

[NiKiTaCoLlEt]

@helterskelter3 I'm hoping this is it. That's makes so much sense. Thank you

[HunkyPunk]

You wouldn't have let something happen that was going to really hurt him. We all have to 'let go' at some point, if our children are to learn to walk, run, scoot, ride a bike on their own, and we all know it's inevitable that they will sometimes fall before they properly get their balance and confidence. We also know when to do the 'letting go' in a 'safe' place. Maybe subconsciously you thought he was ready to try it on his own, or wanted to see if he could balance, and before you knew it, you were letting it happen. But you let it happen on grass, not the side of a road! Maybe you're going to be a '

[NiKiTaCoLlEt]

@Daydrambeliever @grassisjeweled yep diagnosed anxiety and post natal depression along with pure OCD. I have it all. Been in recovery and haven't suffered for over a year though. It's controlled by CBT and medications. I was thinking that what happened today has trigger it as I'm feeling all the symptoms that are a warning sign :-(