Horrendous school drop offs - help

[Beeperbird]

My son is now on his 4th week of foundation (Reception). School drop off was ok the first two or three days but has got worse and worse - to the point where the TA has to now grab him and drag him screaming across the playground to stop him running away.
Apparently he’s fine after 15 minutes and he says he’s had fun when I pick him up, but the next morning when getting dressed will start to say he doesn’t want to go - and then all hell breaks out at drop off.
I’ve tried a visual timetable, talking to him about nerves, promises of ice cream after school, sticker chart, books about going to school, going in with a friend, drawing hearts on our hands, going in late when it’s less busy, being dropped off by someone else. Nothing seems to work.
His emotions are so high at the moment - he’s now refusing to go to his swimming class which he used to love and he keeps crying at home about things that never used to upset him! I’m pregnant (due after Christmas) and have been pretty sick with HG but no other big changes at home.
I just don’t know what to do next. I feel like I’ve failed him, all the other kiddies seem to be so happy going in!
I’ve spoken to his teacher who says she thinks he’s trying it on, as he’s happy after 15 mins, but I just don’t agree with that assessment as it’s affecting home life too. Any help / advice would be appreciated, this is starting to really affect all of us!

[sarahboo2002]

[quote Beeperbird]@emptyshelvesagain I did think that the first time it happened, but I didn’t know what else she could do (there’s a busy car park at the exit of the playground where we drop off). She told me Monday they just take him away from the car park bit and then let him have some space to calm down. I’ll certainly ask later about a different drop off location.
They used to let parents drop off at the classroom but due to covid they now do it at the main gate[/quote]
Hi there
I offer a school drop off if this wou be of help to you

[MissHoney85]

I'm a Reception teacher and have had to deal with many crying children over the years! It's horrible for us too and I always really feel for the parents who have to see it.

I think for lots of these children it becomes a habit - they almost feel it's expected or part of the routine, maybe a way of showing mum/dad how much they love them. I often find that those little gimmicks like taking a photo or drawing hearts on hands actually make it worse. The most effective solution I've ever found is just to talk openly with the child about it - "when you scream and cry in the morning, it makes everyone upset. It makes me upset, it makes mummy upset, it makes your friends upset, and it makes you upset. It's not a very nice way to start the day. It's much nicer to start the day with a smile. Shall we try that tomorrow?" Then the next day when I see them, immediately I start praising the lovely smile and how happy I am to see it. Then in quickly, with lots of upbeat chat and distraction.

That's worked every time for me with the persistent criers.

[Debradoyourecall]

My son has just started reception and is doing this too. We drop him off at the classroom door but he hides behind whoever is doing the drop off and holds up the line of children by refusing to go in, his teacher has to pick him up crying and plonk him in.

So I don’t know what the answer is either but completely sympathise!

[mummumumumumumumumumum]

My middle one did this at preschool. She would scream and sob and cling onto me and one of the adults had to pry her away. one day I turned to look at her and she was cuddled into the shoulder of the adult absolutely fine, looked up, caught my eye and screamed again. In that moment I knew it was all for my benefit so I completely ignored it and she stopped! She is now an absolutely fine, confident and secure 15 year old so ignoring it didn't break her spirit in any way.

[Yubaba]

My DD was like this, all through reception and year 1, it only calmed down in year 2.
The only thing I could do in the end was drop and run, I tried all sorts but nothing really worked. She just had to learn that she had to go to school everyday.
We implemented a sweetie day, so if we had a good week and she had a good report from her teacher she had 50p to spend in the sweet shop after school on a Friday, of all the things we tried this was the most successful.

[IHateCoronavirus]

[quote Beeperbird]@IHateCoronavirus he hasn’t done too well in large groups before - in playpark with other kids etc he tends to cling to me until he knows the park or the area.
He did go to preschool before lockdown (so a looong time ago!) but it was very small and the staff to student ratio was also very small so no I don’t think he’s used to sharing attention at all![/quote]
When playing with him, try taking turns with teddy. Maybe let teddy have the first turn etc, to give him a safe way to experience not being first etc.

Can he manage self-care, putting shoes and coat on independently?

It can be a little overwhelming at first bless them.

[Beeperbird]

@WhatWouldJKRDo Thankyou! Role plays sounds like something he might enjoy actually and maybe help break the anxiety up a bit!

[Beeperbird]

@ChicCroissant thanks so much, I’ll have a look for that book.

[Beeperbird]

@GameSetMatch ooh I’ll give it a try thanks!

[Beeperbird]

@SpaceRaiders sorry to hear your little one has struggled too. I’ll ask if breakfast club has space, at least to try out!

[Beeperbird]

@IHateCoronavirus he hasn’t done too well in large groups before - in playpark with other kids etc he tends to cling to me until he knows the park or the area.
He did go to preschool before lockdown (so a looong time ago!) but it was very small and the staff to student ratio was also very small so no I don’t think he’s used to sharing attention at all!

[Beeperbird]

@alphasox agh sorry that happened but good to know thanks!

[WhatWouldJKRDo]

My DS struggled with transitions. Fine at home, fine in school, fine at friends’ houses. Very distressed at drop off/pick up.

We found role plays helped - especially me being angry him, which cracked him up. It helped him find ways of expressing himself and strategies for handling his emotions.

Also a transition object - maybe a toy car or something that can be easily wiped clean in these C19 times?

It’s heartbreaking when they are distraught. All the sympathy in the world.

[ChicCroissant]

I also think it might be linked to the pregnancy tbh - might be worth asking him if he's got any worries about you or the new baby.

There is a story book called The Big Bag of Worries which I got my DD when she was stressed about something. The message of the book is that sharing worries makes them smaller/go away.

Hope you find something that works, it's a horrible thing to go through as a parent as well as the child!

[GameSetMatch]

My son went through a stage of not wanting to go to school, it became almost habitual that he would cry at drop off, so I gave him a get out... I sprayed him each morning with a magic spay (bodyspray) so he wont cry at school, it actually worked to my amazement. Maybe give this or something similar a try!

[SpaceRaiders]

💐 It really is horrendous sending dc in like that, I remember often running back to my car in tears in those early days.

We simply ignored the rules to drop of at the gate. I couldn’t risk her escaping towards a busy road. We tried everything, reward charts, stickers, bribes. Another one to try is breakfast club sometimes that helped, as it was far quieter, it eases them into the day with a bit of play. But nothing really helped unfortunately.

Her YR teacher was due to retire so really not consistent with the things we attempted to put in place. Y1 was equally challenging, new teacher who’s seemed far more engaged. Then covid hit. 5 months isolating at home seems to have broken the pattern. But the underlying school anxiety still remains.

I’d ask for a meeting with school, if it continues.

[IHateCoronavirus]

Former EYFS teacher here.

Things are tricky with the Covid restrictions. Transitional objects, which I would have suggested, might not be possible due to risks of cross contamination.

How is he with visual, auditory stimulus generally? Might he be finding the business too much to cope with.

The other question I would gently ask parents is relating to experiences of childcare settings before coming to school. Have they been used to shared attention, waiting to have needs met, following boundaries? Some little ones find the transition from being the centre of everyone’s world to one of 30+ confusing and unsettling for a while.

[alphasox]

Don’t underestimate how unsettling your pregnancy will be. (On top of all the other shit we’ve been going through). When I was pregnant my 5/6 year old turned into a demon. And I’m afraid it continued for 4/5 months after baby arrived too. However, it passed, as do all things with kids. So hold tight and keep doing what you’re doing and you will both be ok. Sending hugs though, as I remember how upsetting a difficult drop off can be xxx

[Beeperbird]

@HorsePellets thanks, no I haven’t tried a photo - on it now!
I will speak to the teacher again about how we do drop off. It was horrible seeing him pulled away (I had a cry too on my walk home)

[Beeperbird]

@FeminismandWomensFights that’s a really good point Thankyou, yes it’s quite a long way to go across playground to entrance door to classroom by himself. I’m definitely going to have another chat to the teacher about how we do drop off for him

[HorsePellets]

Have you tried sending him with a small, laminated photo of you?

15 minutes of that amount of upset is a long time, if he was trying it on he’d stop as soon as he was in through the door, and grabbing him and dragging him across the playground to stop him escaping is not ok. Their approach is just setting him up for a long-term school aversion.

They need a different, calmer, kinder approach. There is clearly something about school, and particularly the drop off, that he is finding very hard.

[FeminismandWomensFights]

This is tough OP and can be one of the first times you have to disagree with your kids’ school, but it’s worth trying whatever you can try to help the settling happen, which it will in the end. This is something that schools often take a really standardised approach to and that really doesn’t suit every child.

We found it better to take child into school building with us, take them to the toilet, take them over to the classroom, physically hand them over to TA then say bye.

Something about the walk alone up to the classroom door from the playground having waved goodbye and then entering alone into what can be a busy classroom can be very unsettling for some kids. This too shall pass!

[Beeperbird]

@2bazookas it’s about a 10 min walk from our house, which we do most days unless I have to dash to an appointment afterwards. He seems really happy on the walk - the silliness doesn’t start until the gate for some reason!

[Beeperbird]

@Pashazade I’ve been trying to get there last so it’s quiet, haven’t thought about trying earlier than the others - I’ll ask the teacher

[2bazookas]

Is it too far to walk from home to school, a slower transition?

If that's not on, perhaps, you could park further from school, somewhere quiet, and walk the rest holding his hand, maybe go in through a quieter entrance. Calm goodbye, no persuasion or begging.