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Original poster

father christmas and 8 yr olds

23 replies

doziduck · 17/10/2004 21:25

my 8 yr old ds apparently said to mil that they had been talking at school about father christmas and they don't believe he is real, he had asked her some questions and in the end she had said that no, he wasn't real but not to spoil it for ds2 (5)
I feel sad (o.k i know it doesn't last forever) that the magic has gone for him and that SHE has told him. I always thought that it would be down to me and somehow assumed the magic would stay alive just a little longer.
o.k so you probably all think i'm being pathetic (sob)

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acer · 17/10/2004 21:27

The teacher said he s not real?! that is terrible, I would complain, 8 is not too old. Mine are nearly 5 and nearly 7 and they think he is real, our friend pretends to be one of father xmas helpers, they love it!

Original poster

doziduck · 17/10/2004 21:30

no, he had been discussing wether real or not with friends at school. Bloody mother-in-law told him he's not real.

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acer · 17/10/2004 21:31

No way, why did she do that?

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Original poster

doziduck · 17/10/2004 21:32

because he was quizzing her about it and asking difficult questions.

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frogs · 17/10/2004 21:33

SHE (know just how you feel!) was bang out of order IMO.

A good tack to take with this (and it's not too late, 8yo are still quite credulous) is to say, mysteriously, "Ah, but if you don't believe in him, he won't be able to come to you. I'm sure Daddy or I would fill your stocking so you don't feel left out, but it wouldn't feel quite the same."

I've been doing this for a year or two with my 9yo. Rationally she knows he's not real, but I'm sure there's a big part of her that doesn't really want to face up to it, so I've never quite come out and spelt out the real story.

acer · 17/10/2004 21:35

Hve you got a good friend who can become father xmas' helper, works wonders with ours, he will ring and leave a message saying that he is off to see him and just checking the boys have been good etc... Its so sweet to see their faces light up.

karen01 · 18/10/2004 08:13

Doziduck, I had to sort of admitt it to my now 8 yr old last year, as everything we said to her she came back with an answer for it. Like I said well who brings your presents, to which her reply was " Mam do you think I am silly you send me to bed early so you can put the presents out before I go to bed. You just hide them round other peoples houses before hand. I know this as I have seen the bar codes on the boxes" She then went into how unpractical and dangerous it was for Father Christmas to be riding a sleigh that flies... This is also coming from a child that has told me she doesn't believe in God, tooth fairies, or dragons!!either ( She believes in Dinosaurs as she has seen proof that they exsisted through bones etc!). I even tried to show her a web site oon Lapland and the holidays that you can go on to see Father Christmas. This didn't work either, so I told her well as she doesn't believe in either then we better not celebrate christmas. Too this I got " Don't be silly you won't let me go with out"!! She is right. So we have an agreement that we don't discuss Father Christmas and if anyone mentions she has to be excited and not tell any off her friends or her baby brother when he gets a little bigger. I remember being about 8-9 when I made my mind up once and for all. It is horrible though as the magical feeling does go. But she will still be sent to bed early and given a stocking and presents under the tree put out after she has gone to bed. I suppose it all has to happen some day, but your MIL was bang out of order she should have said sent her to speak you and warned you what DD was going to asking you.

Twiglett · 18/10/2004 08:16

I'd have thought 8 was too old to be believing in FC due to playground chatter anyway .. I'm sure I stopped believing about 5 or 6

it was bound to happen and its not like your MIL went out of her way to tell him .. they were having a discussion .. what else could she have done? stop the conversation and say ask your mother? that would have been weird

I don't think your MIL was out of line but agree that you have every right to feel upset though

AuntyQuated · 18/10/2004 08:27

my 8 dd still believes but after serious doubts last year i told her that all the ones we see are all pretend and that the only real one is in Lapland and only ever leaves on christams eve, so only those who go to Lapland see the real one. it seems to hav egotten us another year out of it

AuntyQuated · 18/10/2004 08:29

acer's phone idea sounds good, also there's that tracking web site that plots his journey on C/mas eve, all pretty convincing

Hulababy · 18/10/2004 09:15

I don't think it was your MIL's job at all to tell your child. She should have used the "ask your mum" tact surely?

I think it's lovely if 8yo are still believing. I am sure I was at that age. I don't want our children all growing up too quickly and losing all that magic. It's sad

Original poster

doziduck · 18/10/2004 09:34

I agree, the longer the magic is there the better. I am so annoyed that she has told him, surely she could have talked her way round it with a bit of imagination and let me decide when to tell him there wasn't a santa for sure.
I think it's sad that kids grow up so quick these days
ds1 hasn't said a word to me about his revelation from granny, i guess i better have a talk with him. I'm worried he will tell his younger brother now.
grrr that woman winds me up, dh isn't speaking to me now either because i told him how i thought his mother was out of order. whats worse is, she lives next door!

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MarmaladeSun · 18/10/2004 11:47

I can remember at Easter, my son who is 7 asked me whether the Easter Bunny was real, as people at school had said he wasn't. He seemed to be erring on the side of 'I don't believe in him anyway' so I sat him down and explained that no...Easter Bunny isn't real. I will never forgive myself! He was devastated...and tears came into his eyes. I felt gutted and actually cried as I felt so guilty taking away his innocence before he was ready. So, for now, Father Christmas IS real, and even though I think DD has sussed it out she has never said so, and so the magic has been kept alive in our house.

MarmaladeSun · 18/10/2004 11:47

And to be honest, there's a part of me that still believes LOL.

aloha · 18/10/2004 11:58

I agree with Twiglett. He was asking his grandma directly, and I think she was right to tell him the truth. After all, I do think eight is getting a bit old, esp if all his friends don't think he is real. And if asked a direct question, I wouldn't lie, esp to a child of this age. Everyone has to stop believing eventually, yet we still love Christmas! I think eight is a reasonable age. My stepdaughter was similar. She asked her dad directly and he told her the truth. I don't personally think evasions work at this age, esp as they only ask directly when they pretty much know the answer IMO. However, I do know how you feel -it's another step towards growing up and all that this means for us mothers . I'll probably feel sad too when the time comes. So, no, not pathetic, but I don't think Grandma did anything wrong either.

aloha · 18/10/2004 12:00

Also, I'm not sure kids do grow up so quickly, or at least, by the age of eight I knew my mum and dad got me the presents - and that was in 1971! We still enjoyed all the rituals though - the drink and biscuits left out by the fireplace, the mysterious arrival of presents in the night etc.

karen01 · 18/10/2004 12:57

I think the main thing to remember aswell when the children start to question things like this is we teach them not to tell lies. So we shouldn't lie to them.

jampot · 18/10/2004 13:10

a couple of weeks ago my dd told me that several years ago she spotted me putting money under her pillow from "the tooth fairy", and although wouldn't actually admit she didn't believe in FC the thought was definitely there - I was gutted and she's 11. DS who is 8 definitely believes in all of it

smellymelly · 18/10/2004 13:54

TBH I'm a bit of a party pooper when it comes to Father Xmas. I don't believe in lying to children about stuff like this. Also don't like the fact that he gets all the credit for my hard work with choosing and buying the presents.

So in our house we just say that Father Xmas only delivers the presents - which of course is still a lie! Thing is I wouldn't want them to be left out, as it is all so exciting when you are a child, but I do really find it hard. I am forever telling ds that stuff on the telly isn't real. So he has some idea....

Hulababy · 18/10/2004 14:23

I agree if asked a direct question then we should lie, but I still believe grandma should have left it to his mum to tell him this - she could easily have passed it over, by simply telling him to ask mum.

BUT I still will never believe that the whole Father Christmas story is anywhere near verging on lying. It's a magical story, like dragons, witches, wiiards, dragons and fairies. And all an important part of childhood. Christmas is never the same once the magic of Father Christmas is gone. yes, it's still lovely and a great time, but the magic sparkle goes out. IMO.

aloha · 18/10/2004 15:40

I don't think it's a lie to talk about FC, but I'm afraid I do think it is a lie (though not a wicked one) if an older child asks you directly if he exists, and you say yes. IMO they only ask once they have a very good idea of the truth and I think it could be humiliating if they are at school and all their schoolfriends know and tell them, but they insist it can't be so because they parents told them. That's my personal opinion, and it certainly hasn't scarred my stepdaughter for life!

MarmaladeSun · 18/10/2004 15:51

Hulababy...wonderfully put!

karen01 · 19/10/2004 07:47

Even though I said about the lie business I would lie whilst the child is till young enough not to realise lies in this manner ( say up to 6-7 when they start to rationalise things), however once the child is asking questions properly and coming up with more rational questions etc then they should be told the truth. It was actually DD that told me not to lie to her as I am always telling her not to lie to me. It is a very thin line and touchy subject I think to which there is no riight or wrong answers. All children are different at diffreent ages and this obviously affects when they are told things and start to question.
My DD is very old in her years she is more like 10yr old than an 8 year old. But that again posses another question is that my fault or just the way she natrually is !!!?

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