DH has been rough with DS. Am in shock.

[feelingsick]

Last night DS1 (age 4) was up in the night. He had lost his bedtime toy and was having a full tantrum and wouldn't be consoled with another toy. DH was dealing with him and as he became louder and louder took him into the bathroom so he didn't wake up DS2.

He yelled and screamed for a while until DH eventually got him a drink, settled him into bed and he went to sleep.

This morning I noticed he had 3 marks on his arm (weren't there yesterday) and asked how he got them. He told me he banged his arm in the park when out walking with daddy. Also told me he didn't want to show daddy . Anyway, I told DH who was a bit shocked and asked to have a look. He said to DS1 'did daddy do that last night?' and DS1 said 'yes' really quietly

DH was mortified - he left the room and cried. I asked him if he had been rough in the night and he said he had grabbed him hard when he was being uncontrollable but didn't realise he had been so rough.

So my dilemma is this. He has hurt our child enough to leave a mark. That is unforgivable. Or is it?
DH is genuinly sorry, but I can't help feeling that all perpetrators of domestic abuse are 'genuinly sorry' until it happens again.

He is otherwise a fantastic father. But am I just being naive? Do all wives say this about a husband who has hurt them/their child?

I honestly don't know what to think or do . Any advice welcome.

For the record, I am not a troll but have namechanged because, for some reason I feel deeply ashamed of my husbands behaviour.

[feelingsick]

Hi, thanks for all the further replies - haven't had a chat to DH yet as he is still at work.

He did tell me this morning that he had gripped him more in frustration (because he was making so much noise and wouldn't stop shouting) than trying to restrain him - he just didn't realise how hard he had done it.

We both know that this is completely unnacceptable.

As I said earlier, he does tend to have a short fuse and has been more verbally fierce than he needs to in the past when DS1 is playing up. But if he can't cope he will call me to deal with it. The problem is, I don't want to feel like I can't trust him to control his temper if I'm not around.

As for why DS covered it up, I think it was simply a realisation that DH had done a wrong thing and he was trying to protect his dad . He has very good empathy and quite a complex understanding of consequences for his age. I will make absolutely sure though that he never feels he has to cover up for someone who has hurt him though, thanks bookthief.

We will discuss it further. I don't want to make him feel more wretched than he already does, but we need a solution to kerb his temper when the children get him to that level of frustration.

[lucyellensmum]

feelingsick, maybe you should change your name to feelingsickbutnotquitesosickasdh. I bet he feels terrible. Have you had a chance to chat to dh about this. I bet he just didnt realise how rough he was being, i mean, how rough do you have to be exactly to mark a four year old, i genuinely don't know.

Ok just read the rest of the posts, they mirror my thoughts - i hope you AND your DH feel better about things. Maybe you should explain together to DS that daddy really didnt mean to hurt him and that he will never do anything like that again. Then give him a big cuddle, take him to the park and forget all about it

[prettybird]

Ds' brusies/scrape were on the inside of his thighs, hence why I was worried!

I witnessed the event, so I know exactly how they were caused though!

[meandmyflyingmachine]

Ah, now it wasn't in case of them being accused. It was for future reference. Child protection. Me under suspicion.

[meandmyflyingmachine]

God, I know that. I don't blame her in the least. But it makes me feel under suspicion. And that is not pleasant at all.

[chopster]

isn't that routine with bad brusing? So that they can't be accused of malpractice? I know my cm had to be informed of any bad brusies on handovers.

[meandmyflyingmachine]

I'm just a bit jumpy because dd's bruises were noted by playgroup leader. And I mean officially noted. I cried. On the fronts of her legs mainly - from the climbing frame I think, but it is very hard to tell.

[WideWebWitch]

OK so most people are saying the same thing. OP, I think you';re the only person who knows your dh well enough to decide whether you and he ought to have a further conversation about what happens next time. Because if there's any doubt in your mind - and I think there might be, just because you've posted altohugh please ignore me if I'm wrong - then you need to talk to him about strategies for the future. It doesn't have to be a row, you can just talk about it - you say he lets you deal with it because of the rest mist so maybe there is more to it but ONLY you will know, we can't tell you that bit.

[chopster]

Very good point by bookthief.

[chopster]

Your eally don't need to worry about innocent bumps and bruises. If concerns are raised, then marks are checked out by an expert. Bruises are seen as suspicious when in 'protected areas' - such as the inside of the arems, hips, inside of legs etc. They lso look at the shape of bruises, i.e. finger shaped, and can tell the difference from an adult bite, to a child's bite etc. They also run a spectrum of blood tests to rule out any medical reasons for a tendancy to bruise easily. I hate that I know so much about this!

[bookthief]

I think it might be worth having a word with your ds too about why he tried to cover it up and that he should never have to feel that he has to hide that someone has hurt him and should always tell the truth. That would be the thing that would worry me most about this tbh.

Not suggesting that there's anything sinister btw, just that it would be a good opportunity to stress to ds that people shouldn't hurt him whoever they are and he should always feel able to tell you if it happens.

[WideWebWitch]

I think there's a big difference between deliberate violence towards a child and grabbing them very hard and not meaning to hurt them but leaving a mark. I think don't make a big deal of it, dh is sorry, it sounds as if it was completely accidental, i.e. he didn't smack/hit him (and I'm a big anti smacker), so it's best to apologise, move on and forget about it I think.

Have only read OP, will read thread now.

[prettybird]

meandmyflyingmachine - I also bruise easily, and often can't remember how I've bruised. Ds is also a very physical kid who throws himself around the back garden, and often has strange bruises on his arms and/or legs.

In fact last weekdn, he was riding on top of his Cosy Coupe, pushed by our neighbour's wee boy and another wee friend, who pushed the car up agaisnt a bank, which meant that ds slid off the top of the car and scraped his inner legs agaisnt the front wheels of the copy coupe. I was worred that his out of school/hokday club would comment on such strange bruising - but luckily, this week it has been cooler so he has been wearing long trousers.....

It's sad now that we are so paranoid about even innocent accidents.

[NAB3]

Why did your child feel the need to lie about it?

[meandmyflyingmachine]

I went to a ceilidh and the next morning was left with shocking bruises on my elbows from 'stripping the willow'. My dd bruises just as easily. It is a great worry to me, as the amount of force necessary to leave a bruise is very small indeed.

[chopster]

My dp found our children a handful at one time. He got to the stage where he was overdisciplining them, and being too heavy handed. One afternoon he did the same thing as your dp. Ds1 has sn, and can be very uncontrollable at times. Trying to restrain him during a tantrum, ds1 ended up with brusing from being held too tightly. He told his preschool teacher and social services became involved.

I'm not saying that your dh is anything as bad as my dp was, because this situation had been going on a while and there was a bit mroe involved - I later found out that he had been smackign them occasionally behind my back. BUT the inccident of accidently holding him too tightly on it's own resulted in my dp getting a police caution for assault on my ds1. You really cannot take this lightly.

To be honest I am a bit shocked at all the people casually saying they have bruised their children implying that it is an everyday thing. The consultant who assessed ds1's injuries said that an adult should never exert enough force to leave a bruise and it is a criminal offence - even accidently inflicted, something to do with not taking enough care.

I know the feelings you are experiencing too, I tore myself in bits trying to decide whether or not I should be staying with dp, and he did move out altogether for a long time. He ended up going on a parenting course, which he really enjoyed and learned a lot from. His main problem was not really anger, but not knowing how to handle difficult situations with the kids. I'd really recommend that you try to find something like that.

[hercules1]

Dd (3) has had some awful tantrums where I've had to physically restrain her somewhat and because she's been pulling herself away and thrashing about I've wondered whether she would get a mark. SHe didnt but could have iyswim. I really wouldnt worry about what happened.

[summerunderakaftan]

I think here what it boils down to is how the marks were made whether it is even worth having a very serious talk about it.
If they were made while he was picking up and restratining your ds who was wriggling wildly in his grip that alone causes the same effect as a chinese burn and was really nobodys fault. If however it was rough handling because he was getting stressed out as was the case of easywriters dp then yes you should talk about future strategies for dealing with it.

I would probably over react to something like this as well but on calming down realise that I am not perfect either and that I was probably being a bit hard.

[feelingsick]

Thanks Easywriter

I agree that while his remorse is a good sign, it doesn't mean I can just let this go. We will have a proper talk tonight as DS is currently at a stage where he is really pushing the boundaries and these tantrums are becoming quite frequent.

[Easywriter]

I disagree (slightly) with the other posters FeelingSick.

I agree, that its not the end of the world and your DH isn't a bad parent (yet!!!).

I'll explain by way of a question.
What happens the next time DC get him really wound up?

I had a similar problem where DP was returning DD to her room (she was SERIOUSLY being a pain) but was so annoyed that her effectively threw her onto her bed, she banged her head on the headboard. AWFUL, AWFUL)

I had to have a word with DP even though like your partner he was really upset.

I didn't have a go but I did strike up a conversation about it and point out to him that he has to be the adult ALWAYS and NEVER do that. SOmetimes the adult thing to do is to just walk away and let them scream the house down, or ask you to deal with it. Whatever, but not be physical.

I don't mean to woryy the hell out of you as I really think part of the problem is little ones are so light that it's easy to do them harm if you are emotional.

I guess I'm saying don't let it go, deal with it, learn from it, work out a strategy for next time. (There will be a next time if you DC are like my DC). No-one is perfect but imho we are obliged to TRY to work towards being what our children need us to be.

Good luck!

[feelingsick]

Can't tell you how please I am that the general consensus is that I'm blowing it out of proportion

Just felt a bit stunned when I saw the marks and how oddly DS was being about his daddy this morning.

[witchandchips]

agree with rest of posts. If ds is going though a stage of having these tantrums though you might want to talk through with your dh strategies about holding and restraining so it does not happen again. Could be for example that it is safer not to grab him but to remove dangerous objects iyswim

[expatinscotland]

Both DH and DD1 are dyspraxic and of course as happens he tripped over his feet, then tripping her and she wound up with a HUGE scrape and bruise on her arm.

It happens.

He didn't mean it.

[wheelsonthebus]

feelingsick - i wd feel like you do. have a chat with yr dh, and maybe suggest that when he really is wound up, he must shout for you to come. i think one parent can step in when the other is really rattled

[yellowpoo]

Your know your partner better than anyone. If this is not something in his normal nature, he has probably shocked himself into realising his own adult strength in dealing with DS. If this is the case, it is very unlikely to happen again. He proabably needs to spend a bit of time with DS, so he and DS can talk and regain trust.