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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Pregnant and scared.

57 replies

tulip27 · 23/05/2007 15:26

I have a two and half year old son and a one and half year old duaghter. I thought our family was complete but have just discovered I am pregnant again despite using condoms.
I have really found the last two years hard with PND and was looking forward to life moving on, going back yto work etc and now I don't know what to do.
Thing is I have been broody for a while but my head has always said no, I find my two children cuch hard work. My husband said he doesn't want more but will support me if I keep it.
I feel like I cant talk to anyone I know about it , can anyone help me?

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SueBaroo · 05/06/2007 09:15

Hi Tulip, just bumping this, wondered how you were getting on.

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flyingmum · 27/05/2007 17:08

I must have conceived sprog2 in November/December time 1999, drank like a FISH over that Christmas and Millenium. I think I might have been on the pill was definately on antibiotics (hence pill not working) and was also phasing myself off Seroxat (now discovered to have lots of health scares associated). Sprog2 is absolutely fine. Sprog1, didn't do much naughty, etc during preganany, has asperger's syndrome which undoubtably is genetic. To be honest, in France, your alcohol consumption would be considered fine and I think this is just hubby coming up with that man thing they do (sorry chaps) of thinking of excuses and sticking head into sand. You are clearly VERY concerned about the alcohol thing harming the baby which means to me that you are already attached to the idea of having it. You mightsuffer PND after you give birth again (absolute sympathy - have had depression and would not wish it on worse enemy)but at least it can be planned for and its depression for a 'positive' reason - ie, something that you cannot and could not help because its chemical and due to having the baby. And you might not have PND this time round. Whereas, if you terminiate you could well suffer depression due again to chemicals (your body thinks you've had the baby) and your own mental state. Would you also resent your hubby because essentially its really been his lack of support that would make you terminate and then would your relationship be at risk. Really sorry, lots of what iffs.

Its a horrible situation and three young kids together will be hard work but they will then always be of an age to play together and I have found that when sprog2 got to 5 things got so much easier. My friend has 6 kids and was a single mum for quite some time. She said that 2 was hard and then the rest didn't make that much difference!!!

I retrained as a teacher when sprog1 was 9 months - it took 18 months with the OU. at that time trainee teachers didn't get paid but I believe they do now. Teaching isn't ideal with kids (what is) but at least you get school hols and there are no shifts.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

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mylittlefreya · 27/05/2007 15:55

If your dh is a dr then he knows the risks of sex, and that contraception always has a failure rate. I don't think he is being fair to you. YOU have done nothing wrong, the wine will have made no difference (he should probably know that, too) and I'm just so sorry you don't have the support you should have.

Do you have someone IRL to talk to? I hope you can take your time to make a decision you can live with.

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Elasticwoman · 26/05/2007 22:19

Tulip, your child is no more likely to be disabled than any one else's.

You CAN do this. There will be support for you, from all sorts of sources. Be strong.
Dh is both morally and legally obliged to support your baby, financially at least.

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foxybrown · 26/05/2007 18:45

Tulip27, I just wanted to send some more positive support your way. I'm cooking number 4, and I found going from 1 to 2 really hard, 2 to 3 much easier. Mine are all close and I found that the older two played together whilst the baby slept, giving me a couple of hours to myself every day. The key, for me anyway, is to be organised. They all play together, get on really well and it just works. I had PND too after my DD (no. 3) which was pretty horrid, but we got through it.

I suppose your DH could still be in shock. Don't forget you've had a bit more time to get your head around it, and have been through the rollercoaster, he's just started on it. Of the people I've known who have been in similar positions, husbands have always come round and loved their third regardless.

3 is a lovely number to have. It really does work IME xx

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domesticgrumpess · 26/05/2007 18:24

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tulip27 · 26/05/2007 15:14

what number is this that your cooking domestic grumpess?

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domesticgrumpess · 26/05/2007 13:40

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nappyaddict · 26/05/2007 12:30

i have heard from a lot of people going from 1 to 2 is much harder than going from 2 to 3.

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tulip27 · 26/05/2007 12:24

Thankyou

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domesticgrumpess · 26/05/2007 12:14

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tulip27 · 26/05/2007 12:07

Thankyou, yes please slap him for me!x

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domesticgrumpess · 26/05/2007 11:49

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domesticgrumpess · 26/05/2007 11:48

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tulip27 · 26/05/2007 10:31

I've just had a long talk with a pregnancy helpline and they have told me to draw a diagram and list circumstances, feelings and what my heart is telling me. Thing is, although I know it will be incredibly hard I just think I couldn't go through with an abortion . I will take your advice and speak to the health visitor on due about pnd although before all this happened I had been feeling much better and in control of things.
What a mess. I feel so guilty for all those poor women who struggle to concive, its just not fair. x

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SueBaroo · 26/05/2007 10:20

Oh sweetheart I feel so bad for you. Please don't rush into anything. It's quite obvious that you don't want a termination right now. I have to agree with the others who have said that you Dh is being rather unfair with his reasoning. He can't know at the moment if he really will resent you, and there's just as much chance of you resenting him for leaving you feeling that you had no choice but to do something you don't want to do.

But it is a big shock for him, same as it is for you. Keep talking about it here, if it helps. I'm probably not going to be on much this weekend, but I will pop in whenever I can.

I still want to stress that one of the reasons everything seems so overwhelming is because you're still struggling with PND. If you can get help with that, things might look very different.

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tulip27 · 26/05/2007 09:26

Oh god this is all so awful. I really want this baby but without husbands support, no family willing to help out and a one year old and a two year old already it looks like I have no choice.
I hate this situation , yesterday I didn't even want to get out of bed. I just keep touching my tummy and wishing things could be different. I'm constantly on the verge of tears and I just don't know what to do.
If I kep it husband said he will understand why but thinks its the wrong descision and that he wouldn't be able to prevent himself from feeling resentful of me and new baby especially if it was disabled. His work is very demanding and as it is he is unable to help more around the house except for help bath the children. Could I cope with three young children alone? How would I do it?
I know you can't give me the answers but I just feel that I can't talk to anyone about this.I have never before felt so alone.

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SueBaroo · 25/05/2007 21:04

Muminfife, be good if there was a website that just gave hugs when needed, methinks.

Tulip, still thinking of you. xx

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Muminfife · 25/05/2007 20:55

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Muminfife · 25/05/2007 20:55

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fillyjonk · 24/05/2007 21:40

GOD no

post on my thread all you want, its just franny et al wittering about divine intervention and so forth now anyway

just glad you're getting advice here really

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tulip27 · 24/05/2007 21:08

Sorry Fillyjonk didn't want to impose on you but I just need all the advice I can get at the moment.

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fillyjonk · 24/05/2007 14:34

oh GOOD you have started a thread

will lurk

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Elasticwoman · 24/05/2007 14:32

Sorry tulip but I just feel so angry that your dh is taking so little responsibility for the baby he has started with you. He should know that condoms are not failsafe, so if he is so keen to have no more children why hasn't he had the Big Snip?
Fair enough to express the opinion that he'd rather you didn't go ahead with the pregnancy, but to make you think you've harmed it when you obviously haven't is just a devious way of trying to pass the buck. He wants you to terminate but not blame him for the decision. In fact it sounds like he doesn't want to take any responsibility for the situation at all.

Would never dare to say that to your face in RL, but you did ask.

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mrsmalumbas · 24/05/2007 14:09

Perhaps your DH is just afraid of what having another baby will mean and this is just giving him a way of focusing that fear. A friend of mine had an unplanned pregnancy (long story, infidelity involved) and ended up having a termination because she had been taking diazepam. In fact the risks to the baby were relatively low, the research showed the primary risk was a cleft palate, but she could not face the thought of the baby being unplanned and (possibly) damaged in some way. However I do believe that the diazepam issue provided her with a "reason" to end the pregnancy other than "I didn't want it". I think it enabled her to justify a difficult decision. Not saying this was right or wrong, it's never easy and in her case there were lots of complications, not just the diazepam. No one can guarantee that a baby, any baby, will be perfect. But the risks in your case are really very low. Perhaps your DH is just seizing on this out of fear. It does sound as if some kind of counselling would be very helpful to enable you both to share your feelings and fears and come to a balanced decision that will be right for you both. XX