How can others 'help' when baby arrives?

[moonamay]

Pregnant with DC2 and after a shoddy time after having DC1, I'm trying to better plan and prepare for after the birth.
One of the things I struggled with hugely after DC1 arrived was other people! Well meaning parents wanting to 'help' but not really helping at all. My DM stayed for us for 2 weeks after DC1 was born and I just couldn't wait for her to leave. She had no interest in doing anything other than holding the baby whilst he slept! I then felt guilty asking her to help me tidy/clean because I could tell that she really didn't want to. At one point I asked her if she would mind dusting around and she did it whilst huffing and puffing. I guess she was excited about having her first grandchild, but I really could have done without her constant presence. Whilst MIL took it upon herself to rearrange my entire kitchen/drawers whenever she was 'helping'.
DH has to take less time off work this time around, maybe just a few days, so DM has offered to take 2 weeks off work when DH returns to 'help' me again. I wonder if I'd be better off on my own as opposed to her staying with me sitting around holding my new baby all day. She did cook a few meals, but again, at my expense as she doesn't eat until 9pm, at which point I was ready for bed and having to pin my eyes open just to eat!
Maybe I'm being too critical?
what things did you find most helpful after your babies were born? What can I do to get DM (and others) to be more helpful?

[JustPutSomeGlitterOnIt]

Personally I found 'helpers' just got in the way, my toddler overexcited, and the house turned into chaos.

However what my mother did, which I would nnnnnever have thought of, and did MASSIVELY help, was brought bags of M&S snack food.
I had no time to shop or make even toast, but this meant I could dip into healthy, filling food for weeks.
It was THE most helpful thing anyone did for us.

[Pennywhistle]

We have twins. We said that we didn’t want any help with looking after the babies but any grandparents who wanted to “help” were welcome to pick a job from the list on the fridge. (My Mum’s suggestion)

My parents were great at this, they would arrive with groceries, put them away and then spend a couple of hours cleaning or doing laundry. After which they’d bring everyone a cuppa and biscuit and have a cuddle of whichever baby wasn’t being breastfed.

We did all the nappy changes, and baths and I breastfed them.

My PILs also professed a desire to “help” but weren’t really so keen to actually do what I needed them to so there was usually a bit of muttering in the kitchen for a bit first.

I’m usually very polite to the PILs and get on well with them but I do dimly remember saying something along the lines of “don’t offer if you don’t mean it”

I didn’t have anyone staying with me and wouldn’t have wanted it.

Could you perhaps think of lots of special projects they could do with your older DC?

[KimchiLaLa]

She had no interest in doing anything other than holding the baby whilst he slept! I then felt guilty asking her to help me tidy/clean because I could tell that she really didn't want to.

I had this, OP, and the only way I could manage it was to get DH to tell her straight to help out, as my hints weren't working. She made a pretence of coming daily to "help" but would just look in when I would need to change a nappy or do a feed and only really hold the baby when she was quiet and sleeping. The last straw came when one day I ended up making her lunch and coffee on top of all my usual tasks because I asked out of politeness if she wanted a drink when feeding myself. She then told me the dishwasher needed emptying, all the while also telling me I needed to get more rest. Erm, ok. I flipped and told DH. If was awkward for a day but now she helps out.

I now say do her - do you want to do this feed? (For example). So she does. Basically I have had to be more upfront myself.

[CranjisMcBasketball]

Appu she surprised me actually. She came upstairs with a brew and some toast. She didn't apologise but she saw dd was asleep and asked if she could take her for a quick walk in her pram round the park with the other kids and I could shower or have a bath. Even though I nearly said no I had a word with myself and realised this was her way of making amends. I was a bit frosty with her anyway as when she came round when dd was maybe a week old she "advised" me to make more of an effort with my appearance so that dh wouldn't have to come home from work to see his tearful and sad wife in such a state. I had clean pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt on. I'd had a prolapse, 100+ stitches and extremely sore boobs. But fuck all that. She practically had me waiting at the front door with a martini and slippers for him.

Anyway we just moved on. Although the sandwich and coffee thing still fucks me off randomly

[moonamay]

Thanks all, some really useful advice here. I'm definitely going to put a jobs list up in the kitchen for parents to pick a job from. Similarly to Gin, I also had everyone trying to feed my baby as opposed to me (he was FF as I had problems BF) it was the most saddening thing I've ever experienced. So only I will get to feed the baby this time. Keeping DH in check and making sure he follows the plan too will be part of the battle I'm sure.