Parents that use drugs

[AdviceNeededUrgently]

OK so Im new to this but really desperate for some advice. Here goes.
I left my partner of 15 years 2.5years ago, we have 2 daughters, currently 4 and 6. I left for many reasons, he was mentally abusive, aggressive, not interested in the children, he drank to extremes and also smoked a lot of cannabis. None of this behavior I deemed acceptable, hence why I left. Hardest thing I have ever done. For info - Im 31 and he's 37.

I have always tried to maintain an amicable and civil relationship with him, encouraging and supporting him to be a good parent to the girls. He has since confessed that whilst we were together he was also taking other drugs, cocaine, valium - I had no idea. This left me devastated and more-so confirmed why I had left. I never had reason to believe he was still taking anything, he assured me he has seeked help and was only drinking occasionally but never when he had the girls.

Fast forwards to 6 months ago. He called to say that he has been to the Dr and said he was thinking about using drugs again and the Dr had got in touch with social services. Now the Dr reports that he said he WAS using drugs again, not THINKING about using them. SS got involved but he managed to convince them Dr had misunderstood and he'd just gone for help before things got bad again - I believed him too and backed that up to SS - reassuring them I would never leave the girls with him if I thought he was taking anything.

Now, lets go to this weekend just gone. I receive a message from his friend telling me he is using ALOT of cocaine, like every day, and was even doing it when the girls were home with him in the next room. Understandably I was devastated, shocked, scared - I immediately went to his house to remove the girls, offered him a urine drugs test to which he refused. He grabbed me by the neck and pushed me to the ground and snatched the children back. My friend witnessed this and called the police - he was cautioned for assault.

I have since denied him access until he can prove he is not taking drugs again. I have requested he does a hair strand drugs test which will detail usage over the last 3 months. I know this is going to show cocaine use along with other drugs. I have never taken a drug in my life and have zero tolerance for this kind of behavior.

So my questions are as follows;
1\ What would you have done in that situation? Would you have removed the children or what? Did I do the right thing?
2\ Am I still doing the right thing by only allowing supervised access?
3\ When the drugs test comes back and shows drug use, what do I do? Am I supposed to accept that a certain level of Class A drug use is OK when i dont think it is? Am I overreacting?

Please help - I want him to be OK, I want the girls to have a good dad, but Im not prepared to let them go to stay with someone who is taking drugs - is that unreasonable? He is very good at making me feel guilty, he has been texting saying that Iv done all this to him, Im not thinking how this is affecting him and how he feels in all of this, he hopes I regret what I have done, he now has a criminal recored because of me, that its calculated and iv orchestrated the whole thing so I can get the girls to myself. All of which is utter rubbish - this is literally making me ill - all I want to do is protect my precious girls.

Any advice gratefully received

Thankyou

[BastardGoDarkly]

Jesus tap dancing Christ love, he's done a real number on you hasn't he?

He's an aggressive, drugged up, violent bastard.

Disengage, only talk to his parents to arrange contact,if you really want to, I wouldn't, do you trust his parents implicitly to keep the kids under their roof and their supervision?

Have no contact with him, you should feel anger, not guilt, he's done this, not you.

[PoldarksBreeches]

On the basis of your last post I would say stop contact immediately and he should not have any unsupervised contact at all! Not only a chaotic drug user but a long history of domestic violence.

[AdviceNeededUrgently]

I know I sound like a typical 'victim' here but he's never hit me, but yes, he has pushed me, shoved me, held me up against the wall, dragged me down the street, smashed my phone, trashed my car, kicked paint all over me, been verbally, mentally and emotionally, nothing I ever did was good enough. I don't want sympathy, I chose to stay, then I chose to leave.

But the problem comes in that I spent 15 years protecting and lying for him, believing his tales of woe and apologies, feeling for him and guilty for not understanding. In hindsight he was probably taking cocaine the whole time as he was erratic all the time. I recognise these are all classic signs of domestic abuse. But Im sort of conditioned to put him before myself, thats why I find it so hard even though I know I am doing the right thing for the girls - he knows what to say to soften me. I just need a kick up the ass. Rereading these posts will help me stay strong. THANK YOU ALL

[BastardGoDarkly]

Yes, he does know what to say, you have been conditioned. Massive well done for finally breaking free.

He can't say the right thing if you don't talk to him though, protect yourself and your children, dont speak to him, there's no need.

[maggiethemagpie]

I would say that it takes a good few days after a cocaine 'session' to feel right again. Depending on the amount, at least a couple of days feeling tired/sketchy/moody. So even if he is not 'on' anything he will be potentially snappy with the kids/feeling exhausted - I wouldn't let him have access for at least two days following a session. If you can ever know when he's had a session, that is.

The assault is a completely different matter, you were right to get the police involved in that scenario particularly as it was done in front of the kids.

[AdviceNeededUrgently]

Ok so Iv taken your advice and am not talking to him, he has supervised visits at his parents last night, he was meant to do the drugs test yesterday so Iv asked my mum to contact him and see if he did it. We shall see...

[pugsake]

Advice I had a thread in 30 days. I had a phonecall from the duty social worker last week. Police had raided his house and found drugs (won't tell me what I'm guessing cannabis)

I had too remove DD from his house at once and he's not allowed her unsupervised at all. Myself and my husband spoke to her support worker and he said local authorities are taking a hard stance on any drug use.

[pugsake]

It's shit.

Selfish bastards can't put their kids above drugs.

I'm still fuming and angry at myself incase I've inadvertently put her in danger myself by letting her go over.

[AdviceNeededUrgently]

Hes text saying he's not done the test as it won't be a negative result. Iv said i just need a 'low usage' result for now, to reassure me he hasn't been taking it regularly or indeed has a problem with it again. I understand that he might have messed up on the odd occasion and taken it socially. But thats very different to regular use and an addiction again, not to mention the allegation that he's done it whilst they are in the house. Life sucks, Im ignoring him yet he's still texting telling me this isn't fair on him or the girls, trying to guilt me into letting him see them unsupervised.

Does anyone know - if this goes to court for a Child Arrangement Order what contact he is likely to receive? I want him to be a good dad but not at the risk of their safety physically or emotionally.

[pugsake]

We are looking at court.

What worries me is "failing to protect" if I send DD back to her dads and he gets caught with drugs that's what it would be.

Poldark if your still about could I slightly hijack and ask for some advice?

[PoldarksBreeches]

Hey, I'm here

[pugsake]

I don't know if you saw my post above.

I got a call off the local duty social worker too remove DD from her dads. The police had raided his house and found drugs and paraphernalia the day before (I don't know why they raided or what was found)

His Mam had removed her and he has been told no unsupervised contact. That seems too be it they aren't launching a proper investigate as she is considered safe with me and my husband and safe at his mams.

I just don't really know what to do next or long term social seem too have just signed off. What would normally happen? If he decides to sort himself out and prove that he is responsible how would he go about that? Would social have too "pass" him as fit too look after her or is that just down to me?

That was very long sorry. I just worry about him sorting it out for me too send her over then just messing up again. The failure to protect would be down to me iyswim.

[PoldarksBreeches]

Hi pugs
If you continue to withhold contact then he would have to apply to court for contact. Cafcass would assess him and recommend the type of contact you should offer. They would recommend appropriate assessments and drug testing.
I would expect him to engage with a drug and alcohol service and provide evidence to you that he has addressed his drug use before you consider reinstating contact.

[AdviceNeededUrgently]

Poldark thats really helpful for me too, to know iM doing the right thing too. Wish iD found this page earlier xxx

[pugsake]

Thank you poldark that's a hell of a more helpful then anyone in RL has been.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Thing is Advice I'm not sure there is a drug test that can show light/heavy/frequent/infrequent results, they're either positive or not. If it's a urine sample, cocaine would be gone in 3 days, same for most opiates.

[PoldarksBreeches]

No worries! Remember no advice online is as good as legal advice IRL.
Badtardbis right, a hair strand test won't tell you what you want to know. You know he's a drug user and domestically violent. That's enough evidence to draw the conclusion that he's not currently safe with the children.

[AdviceNeededUrgently]

godarkly Iv requested a hair sample test, this is the only way to detail the usage, its costing about £160 but its the only way, also shows usage per month so e.g. last month was heavy but prior two are only light etc, think you can only test 90days. You also have to specify the drug you are testing for, so I could test for cocaine but he could have been taking diazepam alongside it and Id never know as no test would cover everything. His reluctance to take the test at all suggests he knows the results aren't going to be great....

[pugsake]

Poldark his mothers RL advice was to just turn a blind eye (my Mam suggested killing the bastard) Yours is better.

We are going to talk to a solicitor Monday when she's back at nursery.

[pugsake]

Advice sorry for hijacking.

[AdviceNeededUrgently]

pugs don't worry - we are in the same boat I think! What does RL mean? Iv learn that mothers protect their children even if they are in the wrong.

[pugsake]

Real life.

As in my RL support are good at giving stupid advice (that might be just me)

[Goldie1717]

My ex has denied cocaine use despite several hair strand tests showing medium use. (He’s used everybexcuse in the book) anyway he’s finally admitted he takes it and continues to take it but has convinced Cafcass that he is not an addict as he can stop if he wants to but as it’s a life choice and he enjoys it he’s not going to. He’s convinced them that it’s under control and is only recreationalluse as he can gonweeks without it then goes for a weekend away ‘with he lads’ and has a full blow out. I don’t believe any of his as he took it daily when we were together hence the reason we are no longer together! The court ordered a psychiatrist to see him and they have said based on what he has told them (lies) and the tests they can’t find anything to say that it would affect the children when they are in his care. Cafcass have therefore ordered unsupervised contact! If I don’t comply they are threatening change of residency and for my kids to live with their dad but that they would then say he would have to give up the drugs. My kids are now 13 and 10 and this court case has been going on for 18 months! During that time it has been supervised contact for 6 hours a week. I am going out of my mind! How can this be right? Does anybody have any advice please I am desperate 😢 x

[Weare3]

Goldie1717 have you received any advice as I’m in a similar situation my estranged husband has failed at home tests nov, dec, jan, Feb passed March not tested April, May I had suspicions taking cocaine again (cane to take kids Saturday was using Friday) he refused a test but admitted usage. I stopped access for 5 weeks previous and then supervision contact with me if clean if not he had to leave the house. He’s ignored my request for not doing it and having the kids and was told if he did it again I’d request a hair sample and assessment he’s now gone nuts refuses it all and refuses to have supervised access. Do not know what to do without spending £££ on solicitors that I don’t have and he’s threatening to stop all financial support and just me that way (our living costs so high I cannot cover them, I want to sell and get smaller house as this big thing we bought costs so much)

[pandamodium]

I've just seen this I was Pug under a name change.

Weare you might be better off starting a new thread in legal more chance of someone seeing it and being able to advise. I'm sorry for what your going through.

Poldark id like to thank you again for the advice from years ago. I took it on board and have a much happier child for it.