What to do with perpetually smelly teenage boy?

[Pollyanna9]

I'm reaaalllyyyyyyy beginning to get utterly fed up with DS now age 17.

He NEVER washes. He NEVER brushes his teeth.

I keep waiting for something to happen and he will suddenly realise the need not to stink, but nothing's happened yet. And I'm getting fed up with waiting.

People have said ah but when he gets interested in girls you won't get him out the shower but tbh, no girl would want him as his breath is so fetid, I doubt any girls would come near him.

I'd like to give him time but honestly, when he opens his bedroom door he absolutely stinks out the whole house.

I was really livid with him last year when he started sixth form. They insist on business attire and because he's a fairly small lad I had to get him one made (and bloomin' Next were out of stock). I said to him, this was an expensive outlay for me so I expect you to wash and keep yourself really clean. Well he didn't and the suit ended up being stinking BO laden garment that really needed burning.

So I have no intention of buying him any clothes at all for college because it will be just the same old thing again.

I'm ready to accuse myself of being weak although I've tried to follow what the majority have said which is just wait and he'll change. But he isn't changing and I actually find it disrespectful of others to not clean your teeth and wash to make sure you don't smell.

So what you guys done and what worked for you - just a massive bollocking, turning off the broadband until a full bath and hair wash (and teeth clean) was carried out, what? Did you just get tough or did something just happen and it changed and if so, at what age??

[sadie9]

You've tried threats, yes?
Make an appointment for a dental hygienist to have his teeth cleaned and checked. That should take care of that.
I don't get mine any lunch until they have had a shower.
Then just nagging, threats, nagging, more threats, etc.
When mine go without breakfast for hours etc I threaten a trip to the GP to look at diet and lifestyle advice - healthy eating and sleep patterns etc. With the old 'if you won't listen to me you might listen to them'..

[Pollyanna9]

I like your thinking MyBread, like your thinking......

Anyhoo, I've got a week's break whilst he's on holiday with his dad. Let the French people of Normandy flare their nostrils at his aroma, see how they like it!!

[MyBreadIsEggy]

At least the shower was a breakthrough!!
Have you tried removing the wifi cables from the box/his xbox before he gets up in the morning, and then don't put them back in until he's had a shower and brushed his teeth? That might force him to do it every day so he can get back to his Xbox with minimal fuss!

[Pollyanna9]

Yes, he did a real shower!!!

However, today I took him to pick up results and enrol at college and once again the car was filled with the stench of uncleaned teeth (yes, I did include 'clean your filthy teeth') in my detailed instructions and checked he had toothpaste and a decent brush.

So I've just shoved him in the direction of the bathroom again and instructed him to scrape his teeth with a dental tool then clean them with the new toothbrush he now has and to remove the smell because it's disgusting to be anywhere near him and that his breath smells like a badger's arse.

I will keep you updated on progress going forward!

Still hate it that I've got to police him like a bloody baby at the age of 17 though.

[MyBreadIsEggy]

How did it go last night OP? Was it a real shower? Did he say anything?

[Pollyanna9]

No, you know llhj, he's quite happy in the limits that he's set on his life. I just don't think he's ready to proceed further yet at this time with expanding his social remit.

I've certainly decided for this coming year at his new college that he's switched to that I am, literally, going to have to leave him to it. If he makes mistakes and fails, then it'll be on him. I haven't got the energy to try and carry him through two further years of A levels like I attempted to support and guide him through GCSEs and sixth form - his dad was effin' useless with that.

I said to his dad well over a year ago, you've got to start doing things with him that stretch him then if we both do it, we'll probably start helping him to widen his horizons. So he had him wash his car when he was at his having contact - totally missing the point that doing activities at his dad's house wasn't really what I had intended! I meant take him somewhere and make him go up to the counter and buy what he wants, that kind of thing. It's like talking to a brick wall though so anything I do with DS, doesn't carry the weight of the both of us unfortunately.

[llhj]

If he can't go to the corner shop by himself at 17, then you have a major issue. Is he depressed? Anxious? Would he benefit from a Camhs referral?

[MyBreadIsEggy]

Maybe a silly question, but have you asked whether he can smell himself? You know the febreeze advert where people go "nose blind"? Has your DS become nose blind to his own smell, or is he aware of it and doesn't seem to care?

[Pollyanna9]

The shower is running - praise the lord!

[Pollyanna9]

No, I was premptive there, there's just been a significant deoderant spraying session from upstairs but no one has yet actually committed to the bathroom. He's going for fresh towels, maybe this is it....

[Pollyanna9]

MyBreadIsEggy - it's odd. When he was a little 'un we were SO close. But it staggered me when his sister came along. I was carrying her upstairs for a nap and she slipped her little arm round my neck and it struck me, DS had never ever done that. Sure, he loved me, he liked being cuddled and all, but he's never expressed that physically. Even now, if you hug him, he just stands there pretty much. He's very self contained, only has one good friend, and unfortunately him and any of his mates that he does have, are all xboxers - literally none of these kids go anywhere or do anything! I think it's a crap life but he seems to like it and so do the rest of them. I'm sure things were better when we went out on our bikes and so on, riding for miles and getting into scrapes!

[Pollyanna9]

DS has entered the bathroom......

[MyBreadIsEggy]

Polly Sounds like these confidence issues run deep could you try to make it clear that he will feel so much better about himself, and other people will automatically be more inclined to engage with him if he is clean.

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

I think if you're a bit isolated and lacking real life social interaction and confidence, too much time in the virtual world is just a downward spiral.
You need to find a way to start seriously limiting the time he spends in the zombie world.

[BusStopBetty]

Well yes, the self confidence issues definitely need to be resolved, but they're an awful lot harder to resolve when people recoil in horror at your stench.

[Pollyanna9]

Banana99 - I don't give him any money, I've haven't got enough money to give to him so I can't relate it to that, but in any case, I don't particularly want to tie it in to a monetary reward (although I totally appreciate all suggestions).

A cattle prod would be highly effective.....

[Pollyanna9]

I agree LiveLifeWithPassion - he needs a lot of support with socialising and confidence.

When he was screwing up his GCSEs and then did the same with his first year of A levels at sixth form, his dad was once again as weak as fuck with him about it. And I honestly do feel he just doesn't listen to me - but that he would if his dad would man up.

However, I'm quite happy at this point to remove Xbox leads and laptops and I am literally going to sniff his pits (wish me luck) and if he doesn't smell right after the shower or bath, he's bloody well going straight back in.

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

Actually I think you have bigger issues to work with him on. Getting clean and fresh will help to take some small steps.

[Banana99]

Brushing

[Banana99]

Do you/his dad give him money? I would say weekly money = 7 showers and 14 teeth brushed.

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

Ugh confiscate his Xbox (or at least the leads) until he sorts himself out.

And be direct with him. Tell him he's stinking the whole house out and it's disgusting.

[Pollyanna9]

Good ideas BusStopBetty and WellyMummy. :-)

[Pollyanna9]

ShatnersBassoon - no he does NOTHING. In Sept it will be home, college, home, Xbox, youTube, repeat.

He's a young 17 and has little confidence. Again, I've tried to work with his dad because I think if he got the joint message to go and do things for himself, it would be of GREAT benefit to him, but I get no support with it.

Only about 6 months ago I suggested DS start using the train (it's a realllly easy route) to meet his dad at the contact rendezvous point. Oh no his dad said, he can't possibly do that, thus reinforcing to DS that the world is a scary place to be feared.

A job - you're kidding?!! Nah, not a chance of that. He won't even go to the corner shop - that's how extreme his lack of confidence is.

He's absolutely happy within himself. I did, at great expense, put him through DofE. I found out later (school's communication wasn't very good) that he'd not done any of the volunteering, and I was LIVID about it. I didn't have a big reaction with him but what he doesn't know is the very next time he wants this or that, he'll be getting absolutely no help from me whatsoever, and I will reference the DofE and the not cleaning himself so his sixth form suit didn't start to stink, as the reasons why. Think that will actually be more effective.

[WellyMummy]

The rule in our house is that if you don't fulfil the basic functions like teeth and washing then I don't provide basic Mum functions like cooking and chauffeuring, Bank of Mum also closes.

I'd take it back to basics, provide him with a routine/time table of morning/evening things to do and weekly things too. Guide him through what needs to done when and follow it up with checking his room is tidy before weekend free time etc.

Good luck!

[BusStopBetty]

Yes, turn off the broadband until he gets a wash. In fact, run a bath and turn off the electricity so he can't do anything until he's had a wash.

It's not unreasonable for him to be stink free. If he wants to be a fetid creature he can wait until he gets his own place.