My toddler is making dinner time miserable - please help

[Solar99]

HI,

My DD is 2 next week. I'm a SAHM and make all food from scratch. I'm also a massive foodie myself and I eat and huge range of foods - there is virtually nothing except a very very small number of things I won't eat. And even then if I was at a dinner party I'd eat whatever I was given regardless to be polite. I grew up in a house where my own father was mega fussy and because of that the whole household had to endure boring limited food. Because of this background it's really important to me that my own children experience a range of foods, are open minded to trying new things and most importantly grow up knowing the difference between healthy and bad processed food.

I've always rotated what I have cooked for my DD. I change the menu every week so that she doesn't get used to the same dishes. Except to my sadness she's becoming more and more fussy. It's making me dread meal times. My husband works away for weeks at a time - I'm making the effort to cook all these different healthy dishes and she's outrightly refusing 90% of them. Sometimes the things she loves she'll suddenly refuse.

I also can't decided if I'm being unreasonable in some of the things I would hope she would eat. She now walks into the kitchen and before I can even put her plate in front of her she'll say "urgh not nice" and starts to pull faces at the food. After a full day on my own with her, day in day out, it's really starting to get to me. I end up in tears sometimes because of it.

I've tried not giving her an alternative but she's refusing so much food these days that would mean she'd end up hardly eating at all.

Friends tell me what she will eat is relatively healthy but I think it's very narrow. It also means I also have to eat a limited range of foods and that makes me depressed because I can't start changing the entire household diet to suit her.

Her is what she will eat 90% of the time:
olives
tomatoes
plain steak
chicken if in gravy
ham
cream cheese
any kind of bread
any kind of fruit
sometimes roasted carrots but it HAS to be roasted
natural joghurt
porridge
bacon
pasta in cheese
pasta on it's own
bolognese sauce
rice cakes
rivitias

Here is what she won't eat:
any vegetables which are not mentioned above (so hardly any!)
potatoes in any form ( no chips, mash, roast, nothing)
any fish
anything in a pie
anything
baked beans
fish fingers (I rarely offer her junk food but in desperation when I have she won't eat it anyway)
pizza
crisps

At the moment I basically scratch my head every day to decide what to cook for dinner. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed dinner. All the joy has one from it. It goes like this - I spend 1 hour cooking something that most people would say is delicious, she walks in and tells me it's not nice, she screams throughout dinner so I can barely eat myself, she continues whinging, I sometimes give her an alternative like a rice cake with humous on it. Then she'll have joghurt with fruit for dessert. Then I spend ages washing up all the things I used to make the dinner from scratch which she never eats. I wonder why I bother.

I'm so depressed. Has anyone ever had a toddler who was fussy with food then started to miraculously try more things?

[Doilooklikeatourist]

She eats better than my DD who's at uni and will be 19 next month it's the wrong colour cabbage , I only like the curly bits off broccoli , is it jolly green giant
Well not really , but don't worry , it sounds normal for a 2 years old

[georgetteheyersbonnet]

sounds great to me; my 3 yo eats only a bit wider range than that. She was an easy to wean BLW baby but became fussier around 18m. I think she eats a limited range of foods but my mum and dad are always exclaiming at what a good eater she is! Apparently my nephew basically only eats sausage, chips and beans.

DD inexplicably doesn't like some things that you'd think all kids would - pizza, burgers, beans, potatoes in mash, roast or boiled form, egg, tuna. She would be happy to eat tomato pasta for every meal, though.....

I find that sometimes she will eat something she doesn't normally if it's given to her as a snacky plate of things. She has recently started eating raw tomatoes again though this method (used to love them then refused them inexplicably from about 18m!) What I do is cut up some things I know she loves into really small pieces - tiny cubes of cheese, little strips of ham, thin cucumber sticks, small breadsticks, olives, and some blueberries and slices of apple, and arrange them on a plate along with one or two items she doesn't normally eat (tiny slices of peppers, small tomatoes cut up). We are big on family meals and always try to eat together but occasionally in the summer I will let her have the snacky plate on her table in front of CBeebies. Magic results -- when tired and watching the TV she will hoover up all the plate without apparently noticing that some of the things are items she normally refuses!

I don't do it that often as I'm not keen on eating in front of the TV but if they are tired or mulish then this can be a great way to encourage a wider range of foods as well as having a low-stress mealtime.

My other tip is anything mince-based with rice - DD loves chilli and spag bol (mainly because it comes with pasta), but I find that after a few days of being picky she will really hoover up a plate of mild tomatoey chilli and rice - mince is easy to eat with a spoon and you can add natural yoghurt in dabs on the top which DD is v keen on. Low-salt stock cubes make it a bit healthier. My mum makes a very tasty mince with carrots which she also loves. Cottage pie she is more suspicious of (because it has the dreaded mashed potato on the top), but she will eat it with peas.

Pasta with peas and asparagus and a bit of cream cheese also goes down well.

Also, I've discovered that you need to think of their diet over say a week rather than a day time span - some days DD will appear to eat only carbs, then another day she will eat only veg and protein. Equally she eats a lot some days but will have days when she just picks.

[joellevandyne]

I was fussy as a child - not super-fussy, but about as fussy as your daughter - and I was trying to be difficult. I just genuinely felt revulsion for quite a lot of things.

I still remember the dreadful hours-long standoffs where I would be forced to sit at the table till I had eaten the overcooked and increasingly cold and congealed food on my plate.

I swore I would never do that to my children.

As a teenager and adult I became gradually more adventurous with food in my own time and I eat almost anything.

Don't look at it as the short game of not wanting your child to have embarrassingly narrow food preferences. Just take the pressure off and let her get there in her own time. I find my kids are more likely to want to try new things if there's no pressure on them to do so.

[joellevandyne]

Wasn't trying to be difficult!

[georgetteheyersbonnet]

Oh and my other tip is that we don't really let DD snack between meals - even fruit. (Unless she really is ravenous or has been very active.) I find that even a tiny snack means she doesn't want to eat much of her main meal. She seems fine on it, though, she is happy to stop eating when she's full and doesn't seem hungry or unhappy during the day. We allow her unlimited water and cows' milk throughout the day and she will often have a cup of milk in the afternoon rather than a snack.

[georgetteheyersbonnet]

Oh and I also wanted to say - please relax, you can cook for yourself and give her something more to her taste as well, and try not to worry about it as much as you are currently doing. It's the summer, so snacky lunches and dinners of cold items she likes are perfectly fine - she doesn't need to eat hot meals all the time, especially not in this weather. It's fine to give yourself a bit of a break and make her a plate of things she likes and then cook something lovely later on for you to eat! :) You can mix some toddler teatime meals with some "family" meals and she'll still grow up with good food. The summer is the time to be a bit more relaxed about it all. Try cold things - if she likes yoghurt try some homemade bircher muesli with berries or grated apple; freeze fruit in ice cube trays or lolly moulds; let her have a mix of sweet and savoury things on the same plate.

[tinymeteor]

Your DD is JUST like mine, and I wholeheartedly sympathise with how excruciating it can be. Like yours, she eats a pretty decent mix of things but is very inflexible about what and how she'll eat, totally suspicious of new food, and turns down things she used to eat when tiny. I dreamed of a freewheeling, baby-led-weaned mini-gourmet, and of course I've got a normal toddler who thinks mashed potato is the devil's work and would happily eat nothing but sausages and grapes all week long.

For me, it taps into all my anxieties about being a miserably picky eater when I was a kid, which was basically 18 years of stress. But that's my issue, not hers. Just like your father being an embarrassingly narrow eater isn't anything to do with your daughter (which of course you know, but damn this stuff is emotive).

You can't win this one. Take the intensity out of mealtimes any way you can. Do picnics if the table has become a battleground. Keep eating the good stuff in front of her. Praise her for being such a good eater even if she's not (and it does sound like she's pretty good, on her terms). Wait for her to want to join in when she's older. It'll be a good day when it comes!

[lazyfrog]

Feel your pain. But we've thankfully come out the other side. A few things that saved my sanity...

Putting things on table to share / serve himself. Salad stolen from the bowl is tastier than that served on your own plate.

Some days serve yourself something you like and don't worry about eating identical meals every day. You're both miserable then. Plus eventually they get curious about what they're missing.

Sweet potato, parsnip suede etc all work as spud replacements. Par boil then freeze so you can then roast small portions fast.

Give them something they will usually eat alongside anything potentially ignored. So mine had peas and sweetcorn pretty much every day for months alongside whatever veg we were having.

Don't panic just keep offering and one day you'll hopefully realise you're not worrying about it any more. DS has even made the breakthrough to enjoying chips. Olives were easy here too but potatoes make mealtimes simpler for sure

[Yika]

I think children definitely go through food phases. My DD is a good eater on the whole but things she used to love (e.g. cheese) she now (age 5) won't touch, and vice versa. So I keep on serving up different things that she's refused in the past. Sometimes she comes back to them in time.

I think it's important that children learn to eat for pleasure as well as for fuel, and to do that they have to develop their own tastes - as well as see their parents enjoying good food.

Please don't lose your own pleasure in food over this. Cook for your own enjoyment, and make sure that she has at least something she likes on her plate.

[WeeM]

We had the same stresses recently and I did really let it get to me as I had the same fear about her growing up a fussy eater. And even though I knew she was playing up to me getting upset/angry about it, I couldn't help myself! She is 3 now and has definitely improved-she is eating a few things she has never liked and has gone back to things she used to like but had gone off. I still need to use a bit of bribery sometimes to get her to eat it all and she would still eat pasta every day if I let her bit we have definitely turned a corner...until the next phase I'm sure!

[uhoh2016]

I think at 2 they start to understand they have a choice if they eat it or not whereas probably 12m ago shed of eaten whatever you gave. I think they all go through this fussy phase as toddlers. Ds1 practically lived off sandwiches (and still would given the opportunity) he started to get better as he started reception watching other children eating different things. To this day though he still won't eat any type of potatoes beans/spaghetti or eggs in any format.

[notagiraffe]

DS was like this. It's really demoralising if you've made an effort. Ime, it's best to take the pressure off. Put picnic style food in front of her and let her choose. Carry on making yourself interesting food and visibly enjoy it. If she looks interested, let her try some.
Add variety through the food she will eat. Any kind of bread? try beetroot bread, rye, cheese etc.
So long as she has something from each food group at each meal, she's healthy.
DS now loves cooking and is very experimental. He had home made Thai green curry with sugar snaps, baby corn, fresh ginger and coconut tonight, followed by a lemon curd tart made by his brother.

[FarAwayHills]

I think she eats a pretty varied diet OP and I wouldn't worry too much. The worst thing you can do is to make an issue of food and mealtimes as kids of this age love a battle and love to have some control even more.

I would also ignore other mums who's little darlings will eat sea bass, kale and organic hand knitted sugar free yoghurt. Their time will come

[justwondering72]

I think you are being very judgey about food /eating (from your obvious disapproval of your dads eating habits). You clearly see 'fussiness' as a major social handicap and are worried that your child will be judged, criticised etc in the same way that you have judged and criticised the little boy at the school trip.

It's just food, you know? Being fussy or having a restricted diet (for what ever reason) is not a crime. How about, instead of pillorying people who do not share the virtues of your 'foodie' habits, you work towards teaching your dd how to say 'no thank you' politely? Good table manners go a long way.

I'm a bit of a foodie and will eat most things. So what? It doesn't make me a better person than my mum - who, like your dad, is extremely fussy. She doesn't choose to eat a restricted diet to piss people off: she genuinely doesn't like the texture / taste / smell etc of lots of foods. That's fine, I've grown up from a fairly beige diet to eat pretty much anything. What she did teach me were a lot of table manners and to not judge people / children by what they eat - or don't eat.

I have one fussy child and one not so much. Having eaten with various family and friends over the years, I can tell you which meals I have enjoyed most - and it wasn't the ones with people rolling their eyes when I offered DS1 an alternative dish brought from home, or shaking their heads over 'all that good food going to waste' or being hurt and wounded when he (politely) turned down their food and just ate bread instead.

Apologies for the lecture, you can tell I feel strongly about children being made to confirm to parents expectations over this ;-) DH and I have had many clashes over this: he was made to eat everything as a child, taught that 'wasting food' was practically a sin, that 'fussiness' was just people being self-indulgent, that 'good' children eat everything they are given and are grateful for it - questions of personal taste don't even come into consideration. The outcome for him is that he's a bit of a dustbin (like his dad) who will indiscriminately eat anything in front of him, and is overweight as he has no ability to say no to food or judge his own appetite.

Rant over!

[BlindAssassin1]

I think its right that toddlers taste buds go through a 'growth spurt' and that things that were palatable suddenly are not. Lots of things become bitter. Its an evolutionary thing to protect you from poisoning yourself when you're learning to eat.

And also small children are just ingrates when it comes to lovingly prepared meals.

DS was - and still at the age of 6 ,is - a fussy eater. While I agree with most of the above advice from other posters, I find not engaging with it saves my sanity.
Rewards, stickers, marble jars, even verbal praise didn't work because it created a situation where he expected treats of one sort or another for doing a basic human activity.
DH goes for lots of praise and negotiations ('just eat half of it? Ok, just a quarter?....') Massive bone of contention between me and DH.

And at school he had a massive shit fit of a tantrum about a jacket potato. They spent ages fussing and making him another meal!

When I've given him a potato he has eaten it - there were no rewards, no interaction with his "But I don't like it" (before he even saw what it was!), and he ate it.

This is not to say that I'm calm inside. Or that I'm always like this. But I don't want there to be an association of not eating and badness or being naughty. I don't know anyone who doesn't have a hang up about food one way or another. Me included. I just want food to be food and if DS grows up to not enjoy food like me then at least I know that I tried.

[Solar99]

Hi everyone,

Thanks there are some great ideas here - I'm really grateful. Reading most comments it looks like she's pretty average for her age - which is what I knew deep down it's just that my closest friends kids must be the small percentage of toddlers who really love their food so maybe I'm expecting too much for her age. This is good news because I needed that perspective. She actually eats really well - when it's something on her 'Oh yes I eat that" list. 90% of the time I don't make it a battleground at all. We don't get into huge arguments about it - I try to give her a plate of food with at least one thing on I know she'll eat and if she ignores the rest I don't comment. However she's bright and she definitely refused food she likes hoping to be offered something she'd like more if you know what I mean. Those times I find the hardest because I know she IS being fussy at those points.

Notagiraffe - I really like the idea of picnic style foods.

Laztfrog - Yes I'm going to up bowls and plates of food to share. She likes sharing from bowls but this is a good reminder to do more of this.

Justwondering72 -

I think you are being very judgey about food /eating (from your obvious disapproval of your dads eating habits). You clearly see 'fussiness' as a major social handicap and are worried that your child will be judged, criticised etc in the same way that you have judged and criticised the little boy at the school trip.

You might think and want to label me as judgey with food but suffering what my family suffered because my dad would not entertain trying something slightly not as he liked it, just once, for the exhausted cook/host/chef in a restaurant is bad mannered and rude. I've eaten things I don't like many times if someone has gone to the effort to cook for me. I lived in Japan once and attended more dinners by families with things in the meal which turned my stomach. Eventually I got used to the foods and gradually I started to enjoy them. I'm not expecting my daughter to eat caramelised ground up fish back bone, I'm expecting her to eat steal because it is expensive, I know she likes it and she ate it happily last week but just because she spotted the rice crackers in the cupboard doesn't mean she gets to throw the steak on the floor. It's that kind of fussiness I think is ill mannered. And yes if she went on a school trip and refused a menu with a choice of over 8 main dishes I would expect her to just deal with it. I would not expect her to start shouting at 19 years old in a school dinner hall that she wanted a rice cracker instead. That IS rude and eating the odd thing you might not really love the odd time is not going to kill her.

It's just food, you know? Being fussy or having a restricted diet (for what ever reason) is not a crime. How about, instead of pillorying people who do not share the virtues of your 'foodie' habits, you work towards teaching your dd how to say 'no thank you' politely? Good table manners go a long way.

I am not sure why you have labelled me as pillorying people or why you think that because I want my daughter to have a healthy diet means I don't care about table manners, what a bizarre link you seem to have made. She enjoys sitting at the dinner table with us, we have a big emphasis on manners - how condescending of you.

I'm a bit of a foodie and will eat most things. So what? It doesn't make me a better person than my mum - who, like your dad, is extremely fussy. She doesn't choose to eat a restricted diet to piss people off: she genuinely doesn't like the texture / taste / smell etc of lots of foods. That's fine, I've grown up from a fairly beige diet to eat pretty much anything. What she did teach me were a lot of table manners and to not judge people / children by what they eat - or don't eat.

I never said I was better than anyone else. I don't care my dad doesn't like a lot of foods, that's not the issue here, I care that he vocally complains regularly to people who have cooked for him and won't cook himself to help out. I'm sorry that because I enjoy food and cooking that seems to annoy you.

The outcome for him is that he's a bit of a dustbin (like his dad) who will indiscriminately eat anything in front of him, and is overweight as he has no ability to say no to food or judge his own appetite.

Perhaps you have your own hidden anxieties about your husband I don't know. I'm proud to be a foodie - for what it's worth I'm slim, fit, healthy and not overweight if that makes you feel better. This isn't about how much people eat, its about a balanced diet from different food groups. That is what I meant when I said I am a foodie - not that I act like dusty bin. And as a final thought given that 60% of the adult population in the UK are now medically obese I think it would be better if there were more foodies who took an interest in their nutrition from an earlier age. I want my daughter to be healthy. Not end up like my father who just had a stroke thanks to him living on bacon for 70 years.