Dreading having newborn and toddler

[Luckystar1]

I'm almost 32 weeks pregnant with DC2. I already have 19 month old DS who is an angel and a devil on equal measure.

I found the first year of DS' very difficult. We have no family nearby (a 7 hour car journey or a plane journey away) and tbh, the very minimal interaction they have had since DS was born has been more stressful than assisting.

Anyway, in 2 months, I'm going to have another one and I'm absolutely dreading it. I feel so awful saying that, and I love feeling it's little kicks etc, but I just know that it's arrival will herald a major upheaval and I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope.

DS is very hard work and always has been. He's not going anywhere. It's going to be him and another potential him. I can't deal with 2 of him (or worse!).

I know I'm pregnant and hormonal but I've spent the last few days in tears just thinking about it.

I suppose the fact that no one has sugar coated how shit it will be isn't really helping.

DH works long hours and is as hands on as can be, but ultimately it will be me, DS and the baby all day every day.

I should say, we go out to groups every day and DS does go to nursery 2 mornings a weeks (thank god!).

I suppose I just need some reassurance and tips for coping please.

And also some tips for dealing with sleep deprivation (and associated grumpiness!) with a toddler!

Please!!

[Luckystar1]

Thank you! I swear I have purchased about 6 different devices to put this baby into to try and lure it to sleep with limited input from me!!

Poor baby! I really am looking forward to meeting it though!!

[fedupofpeppa]

Remember that although you may not think it, you already have a tonne of techniques of how to make a newborn sleep if they are fussing from trying them with your first. So even if you get two crap sleepers, which is unlikely, you already have loss of tools to help you get through it.

[waterrat]

well - I came on here to add some positivity and I can tell you that my first was a bad sleeper - but number 2 - well, she really was much much better.

Perhaps because I was just busy with the toddler as well I used to put her in her carry cot on the kitchen table and she just went to sleep! Wheras with number 1 I did the endless buggy pushing or - worse - endless sling wearing naps - I just never bothered with that second time round, I didn't have time!

Because I just couldn't do all that faffing she seemed to be a better sleeper. I have to admit I did use a dummy / swaddle combination from about a week in - it was amazing and I highly recommend it. (Im v pro dummy - especially with baby number 2 as really there are moments you need to settle them while you deal with older one - didn't stop me breastfeeding perfectly well for a pretty extended time)

anway my other tip is get a carry cot you can carry around the house, I used it so much - remember newborns sleep SO MUCH - you say yours didnt - that is unusual. The usual amount of sleep is about 16 hours a day at first - so you will feel surprised by how often they are sleeping....

Yes its true you will be tired for a year - but hey whats a year - after its over you've got it all out of the way! And - the tiredness never got me down second time round in quite the same way it did with number 1 because this time round I knew it would pass....

[Luckystar1]

Thank you! I hope so re the sleep! Actually, I get more sleep now than I was when I was working...!! I'm just a hideously poor operator on less than about 10 hours!!!

[muddypuddled]

I would also add that sleep didn't seem as much of an issue the 2nd time round. I think you're probably more used to less sleep than you were with the first. Try and get out and about in the morning to wear out toddler a bit and give baby and you some fresh air. Always seems to help knock out my two for a bit. Like the others have said 1-2 is harder than 0-1. You got the baby bit down, you know how to look after a newborn. You'll be fine xx

[donajimena]

Another one saying its really not as bad as you think. The biggest shock is definitely 0 - 1.
I too was dreading it but the newborn doesn't move, you have already adjusted to parenthood and you are used to a degree of sleeplessness.

[reallywittyname]

I found that toddler plus heavily pregnant was waaaaaay worse than toddler plus new born....

[Luckystar1]

Oh also thank you for all the tips. I'm pleased to see if been intending to do a lot of those anyway and I've already bought a few extra 'things' to put new baby into for its own safety!!

I've also bought an out n about double as I knew I wouldn't like a tandem. I have a Caboo and various other slings and carriers so fingers crossed (practically speaking) I'm sorted.

I suppose it's just the emotional stiff to sort out!!!

[Luckystar1]

Thank you again everyone!

My biggest worry? I don't actually know! I think it's just this overwhelming feeling of 'oh my god, how am I going to do this?!' - especially on days when DS is being difficult, and I worry about being tired and him being hard work etc.

I think I also feel so guilty that I've been tired his whole life, and I have another year of being tired ahead of me (at least!).

I think in also scared because he was such a bad napper, stopped sleeping at 3 weeks and needed huge amounts of assistance to go to sleep. The daily crying (hours of overtired screaming and me at my wit's end) was just so unbearable, I can't go through that again, and I won't have time to work at it like I had for him.

I suppose, in truth, I have also found it quite boring being so ruled by a baby, and I'm so fearful of a return to those days!

Basically I'm afraid of having 2 of my DS!!!!

[muddypuddled]

I know exactly how you feel, my eldest was 2 yrs 9 months when my daughter arrived (now 7 months old). I was petrified of how I would cope with them both on my own also with no support from family as they're all far away. What worries you the most? For me it was going out with both of them. Luckily for me my son was just potty trained before my daughter arrived and is fiercely independent so wouldn't go in a pram or stroller. The best thing I bought was a sling which I carried and still do carry my daughter in so I can be hands free with the 3 year old. She is also snuggled and often sleeping there most often so j could carry on almost as normal with my son and anything that needed doing in the house. I lowered my standards in the house and apart from the daily tasks I have one day a week (out of 2) where my son is at nursery to blitz the whole house. I use the other day to do a nice baby class with my daughter so that I lessen the guilt feeling of not doing enough with her! For feeding I recommend making a booby box with snacks and drinks for you and the toddler, also stories and quiet toys/games that he can only have whilst you're feeding the baby. It helps I think to stop them from feeling left out whilst you're giving the baby the attention. My son loves having stories at feed times. Last thing is preparation I would say. We got several story books for our son before the baby came about getting a new baby in the family which I think helped him get a bit excited for his sister coming too. I'm sure you'll be fine once baby arrives. I think it's just the thought of not knowing how you'll cope that is the most scary. Good luck xx

[RedWineLush]

I have 2 years between mine. For me, the first 6 months was tough because my baby was a non-sleeper and never wanted to be put down.

Things that worked:
Sling - close caboo and later a Rose and Rebellion.
Toddler groups- hand your baby to someone who is broody/helpful and play with the toddler. Other adults to talk to.
Park/walks/fresh air - tire out the toddler.
Lower standards - quick and simple meals
Family baths - if we were all frazzled that getting into the bath with the baby and the toddler so the baby could feed and the toddler could cuddle and play was always a winner.
Cbeebies!

Things I wished i had done/ didn't work
Brought a side to side double e.g., Nipper 360. Phil and Ted didn't work for us as both of mine hated the back.
Pick your battles/let things slide with toddler tantrums.
I did too much housework and not enough playing which I wish I had done differently.
Talk about how hard it was with friends - I was too embarrassed and I should have sought support.

Although it was tough, I look back on it very fondly and now, at 5 and 3, they adore each ofter and consider the other their best friend. It is so worth it!

Good luck.

[seastargirl]

My biggest tip is get husband to make your and your eldests sandwiches/lunch the night before so that no matter what you know you will eat.

Batch cook now as much as you can so that dinners are quick and easy.

Get a really good baby carrier, that's the only way I survived playgroup as I could still interact with 15 month old. Try and get them to nap at the same time so you get a little down time.

It isn't as horrendous as you think and it will pass quickly!

My first sounds like yours, my second is the most chilled little girl you could meet and has made me realise that their toddler behaviour is a lot down to personality as opposed to how I've been raising them.

They're 3 and 4 now and they're really starting to enjoy each other so it's definitely worth it!

[Luckystar1]

Thank you all again so much!!! I'm so absolutely heartened to hear all of these great stories. Today was a good day, so I'm feeling buoyed (helped massively by the abundance of positivity from this thread!)

[fedupofpeppa]

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I am repeating advice. I have a 7 week old and an almost three year old. I felt like you when I was pregnant. Scared and dreading it. I had pnd with my first and hated the first year. I can honestly say I am loving having two and it is not as hard as I expected. I would say I am finding it easier with two than when I was pregnant and looking after a toddler as I was more exhausted.
My main tips are work out up front what your dh is going to help with. You are both parents and allowances need to be made in the newborn stage. Sleep was key for me so we decided from day one for my dh to do a bottle of formula in the evening so I could go to bed early. Discuss what he can do in addition to what he does now so maybe try and get back to do baths and bedtime or do a night feed or get up with them in the early morning.
I think a sling also helps and giving the older one lots of attention when you aren't feeding or nappy changing is key. My eldest loves helping with the baby and has transitioned relatively easily. We went backwards on potty training and had a few more tantrums for a bit but nothing too major.

[waitingforsomething]

It isn't as bad as you think it will be. Baby 2 will likely have to be more flexible because you are going to have to get out with the toddler.

Remember how much they sleep for the first 3 months or so- your new baby will just want feeding and changing and cuddling which you can do with a good sling.

Ds1 won't he 19 months forever. Every week that passes he will speak more, understand better and become slightly more independent.

I panicked the whole way through my second pregnancy as dd1 was hard but really it wasn't so bad! I even enjoyed ds as a baby now and again.

[SpaghettiMeatballs]

I have a 2 year gap. I can only reiterate the advice to get a double buggy and agree with the sentiment that having a newborn and toddler is easier than being pregnant with a toddler.

I made sure I had a bouncy chair upstairs and downstairs so I always had somewhere to stow the baby if DD needed me.

Mine are 4 and 2 now and mostly the best of friends. I can't believe DS is the same age as DD was when he arrived. He still seems like a baby to me but I know I treated DD like she was older than she was when he arrived so try not to forget your DS is still a baby too.

[ZoSanDesu]

Also I found having nursery hours at the end of the week helpful as it gave me something to aim for if I had a bad Monday or Tuesday!

[ZoSanDesu]

I'm six weeks in to having two, with two and s half years between them. It's sooooo much easier than being pregnant with a toddler! I sleep better now and got into a routine with baby so much faster than I did the first time round.

I've found it easier to set up safe spaces for baby in most main rooms: co sleeping crib in my bedroom, swing in kitchen, play space in living room, so that I can pop baby down quickly wherever I am in the house. Use the car seat in the shower room so toddler can't get baby and I still get a decent amount of time to wash! Similarly having packs of wet wipes/nappies in baskets everywhere!

When baby sleeps I make sure I give the toddler a huge amount of attention to try and get some good behaviour when baby wakes.... It's mostly working!

As previous posters have said- so much easier going from 1-2 than 0-1! Hope this helps ease the worry!

[Givemecoffeeplease]

Two kids is waaayyy easier than being pregnant with a toddler. I've loved it. If you can afford to up your nursery hours for the first few weeks whilst the feeds are endless that would give you a break too.

[Twerking9to5]

Here you go OP! (Under a prev username) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/2240740-Pls-tell-me-lovely-things-about-having-2-under-2

[Heatherplant]

My youngest is 11 weeks and my oldest has just turned 2. It's honestly not that much more difficult watching two. The only tricky bits are sometimes when BF the 11 week old the 2 year old will act up for attention and the 2 year old can be a bit rough when trying to play with the 11 week old. Other than that it's all good. I got one of those pouches, find it easier on my back than a sling. You'll be fine, honest.

[ODog]

I have an almost 2yo and a 2 wk old. My 2yo was and still is very high needs. I suspect many would view 2wk old DD as fairly high needs too (doesn't sleep in a crib/wants frequent boobing/likes to be held a lot) however I have found it so much easier this time. Bf was easier, I haven't battled about the crib and just cosleep/feed laying down so we all get sleep and wear her in a sling as much as possible. FH not back at work yet so I may feel differently then but it has been much easier and more relaxed than I thought.

[Toofondofcake]

Don't panic. I have a 16 month age gap and my toddler is currently 19 months. She is wild. My baby is chilled, super chilled. It's nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. Having two doesn't test me nearly as much as my toddler by herself tests me. Just ride out the tantrums and take it one day at a time.

Continue to get out of the house every day and make tiring out your toddler your mission in life. Also invest in a baby carrier or sling. It has made my life so much easier!
Also to echo another comment co-sleeping will help you get much more sleep and help keep your sanity in tact too.

You'll be wonderful! Have no fear :)

[Luckystar1]

Thank you! Any chance you can link me your thread?? I feel I might need so positive reminders in the coming months!

I'm so glad I posted now, I feel a lot more positive.