Fed up today...wanted to be a good and happy SAHM

[jay9]

Need to get a few things out of my system. Does anyone else get very fed up about the treadmill - the relentlessness of feeding, trying to get LO to sleep, and so on. It never stops. I used to think I had a demanding job but at least I could go home at night and do nothing and switch off. At the weekend my DH said he'd look after LO (17 week old DD)for an hour if I wanted to go round the shops on my own for a bit. I cried with the relief of having an hour to myself without having to think about her - much as I love her. My husband works long hours and many nights isn't able to get home in time to help bath her and put her to bed and even when he does I end up helping him when to be honest I'd rather sit on the settee for 20 mins for a change. Sometimes the days go on for ever. My DD is pretty good at night now but is very difficult to get to sleep during the day even though she's clearly tired and cries about it I can't seem to find any reliable way of getting her to sleep and stay asleep. Am now resorting to putting her in her cot in the dark and letting her cry for a bit (not long to be honest - 5 mins at the most before I go in and try again). Mixed success but it's hideous when she loses it and goes purple with crying. I know everyone says that I should be grateful she sleeps at night but 12 hours of on and off trying to get her to sleep in the day is pretty much the most demoralising and frustrating thing I've ever had to do.

I spend most of the days on my own as we recently moved into the area. I do meet up with some other mums a couple of times a week and I go shopping and travel to see friends etc which often are the only things that keep me going. I would like to be happy and content at home though.

I really wanted to be a good and happy SAHM but so far I'm thoroughly disappointed with myself. I have very little patience and much of the time I would hardly say I'm enjoying the whole experience...I feel so guilty thinking and saying that........

[Smellen]

Hi Jay9
Just wanted to add: don't beat yourself up about loathing the job sometimes. It is possible to be totally & passionately in love with your little baby, but still hate the routine, exhausting, mundane & yukky parts of the job.

One of the most helpful things someone said to me was that Nature arranged it so that just when you thought you couldn't take any more of this slog, your baby would do something new - focus on something, reach out a hand, smile, roll over etc. And that really does help.

Another thing I found useful was a book by Naomi Stadlen, called something like "What Mothers Do [when it looks like nothing]" - which is excellent in helping you be more aware of all the recent changes to your life/body/relationships and how you may be feeling about them.

Mumsnet was also great when I had questions to post about daytime sleeps. My DS (now 1) and I were often both reduced to crying when I tried to settle him for daytime naps at about 16 wks. Controversial as this may be, I started to wean him at 20wks (he was a big boy - 10lbs 2oz at birth, and BF till that point), and noticed that he was more settled within about 3 days. Other mums notice no difference, others will say it made things worse - but whenever you do decide to wean your little one - in a month or two or whenever, you may find things a little easier.

Also, once they go a bit longer in daytime naps, you can try to set aside half hour to read a book, check your e-mails, whatever YOU want to do - and still have time to clear up their mess and eat something!

Before I had DS, I had always worked full-time outside the home - but I don't think I had ever worked so unremittingly, day after day, 6am-9pm, 7 days a week, without a holiday, and so little positive feedback. However, all that effort you are putting into this new job will pay dividends when hopefully your wee baby grows into a happy, well-loved and cared-for child.

I still have days when I would love to be back at work, but more days now when I thank my stars that I can spend the time I do with my DS. We have passed many hours on pointless walks, hanging out at babygroups where we know no-one, and singing nursery rhymes for the nth time - and there is no-one else on the planet for whom I would do all that... so it must be love!!

Good luck.

[fortyplus]

My 2 are 11 & 13 now, but I still shudder when I think back to the early days!
Much as I loved them dearly, the pressures of being at home with young children was almost unbearable. Mine are 18 months apart and the only way I kept my sanity was to spend as much time as possible out of the house with other people!
Things start to be a lot more fun once the older one goes to Nursery & you meet lots of other people with children of similar ages.
In the meantime you may find that going to a Mother & toddler group would help - even though your daughter is too young to benefit very much you might meet other SAHMs who you could socialise with. One word of caution though - M&T groups can be a bit cliquey, so you'd have to be the type who wouldn't mind going up to other people to introduce yourself!
Don't despair - the early days with a new baby are the hardest, so at 17 weeks things will soon start to improve.

[Snowstorm]

Apologies, I haven't read the whole thread either but I just wanted to agree that it all sounds pretty normal in your situation (being on your own so much) and with such a young baby. I felt the same way with DD1 when she was very little and that was with DH being around more that yours sounds as though he is. IME it takes a while to get into your 'groove' being a SAHM. Some take to it straight away but most people I think feel like you, it's just that they might not admit it. Try not to be so hard on yourself and don't feel guilty, you are not a bad SAHM you are just an honest normal one! We all have good days and bad days and things will get easier as your LO gets older and you establish some kind of daily/social routine that you are happy with.

[mabel1973]

Hi jay
i've not had time to read all of this, but I am a SAHM to a 2 yo and an 11 week old. I do understand how you feel, when they are so young the days seem to go on for ever. I remember my midwife saying to me when DS1 was 3 weeks old 'you'll notice a difference at about 3 months' well she might as well have said 3 years it seemed like forever! From my experience babies get to be the best fun at about 6 months when alot of mums return to work, then you really start to realise why you wanted to stay at home and how much you start to get back , and as they get older you are able to have so much more interaction with them. I have found it easier 2nd time round, particularly as I have a toddler to keep me busy all day, to think that DS2 is nearly 3months old already is scarey, it has flown by, and made me realise even more that I don't want to miss out on this important part of theirs and my life.
As for the naps, she is still young and it will sort itself out, i know that doesn't help now, but just take heart that it WILL improve, don't be hard on yourself - this is the hardest job in the world, and the best thing you can do is come on here and and get support.

[FastAndLouche]

hiya

cant bear to rewad whole thread as its too close to my own situation and im looking for escapism, not more of the same!!

BUT wanted to post this link: sling hire or buy site and reccomend the Ergo, and the hotsling, which together allow me the arm-freedom to cope with a baby who will not be put down without howling the place down and do basic housework/feed the two other dc's etc etc. i cannot reccomend the Ergo enough - baby is so comfy in there, even when v fractious he flails about a bit and then gives up and goes to sleep. should help you get your little darling to sleep in the day.

xxx - hang in there kid, you're doing great

[newgirl]

all great points - i would add:

1. have an hour or more to yourself every week at least! every day would be nice!!

1. naps are tricky - they can vary day to day and it gets easier and easier - if all fails go out for walk

1. I try to see a friend every day else I would go mad

1. loads of good stuff will come - when they are at play group/pre school you will really value the time you have at home - then its baking, friends to tea - all the lovely stuff - not long!

5, your baby is about to get more interesting - doing more, responding more etc so more rewarding

[newmum36]

Lots of really good advice here....don't have time to read it all but I spent the first 15 - 16 weeks of ds life (he's now 22 weeks) working at the naps and I'd say 90% of the time now, he naps really well. I was so relieved every time I got the end of the day and finally had my evening to myself after what seemed like a life's work trying to get him to sleep every which way. My dh works 7am to 8pm ish and I felt (and still do often) like a single mum, so sympathies to you.
From my own experience:-

Try using your buggy as much as possible to get them used to sleeping at a certain time. At lunchtime, my ds would sleep for 45 mins and then be wide awake. I took to putting him in the buggy indoors, curling up on the sofa with a good book and when I could hear him stir after 45 mins, rock the buggy and get him off again. I used a dummy for a while (he now sucks his thumb). Now, he may go the full 2 hours or so, sometimes less, but I feel a lot less stressed about it. If I am out, I always take him in his car seat so if I am in a coffee shop or something can rock him off to sleep if he stirs and get a bit of peace and quiet.

Are you happy about going out for a walk late afternoon ?- I know it's dark early now, but I always feel so much better after getting a bit of fresh air before bedtime and ds will nearly always drop off for a half hour or so. I might use this time to pop to the shops for a few bits.

From the "social" side, I go stir crazy stuck in the house every day, so have a set day to meet ante natal friends, a couple of set mornings to do a class at the gym (ds in the creche, he loves it) which in themselves make me feel so much better. I do have family nearby so can get some time off but do you have any one who would take dd for an hour or so??

Let your dh do things even if not quite to your liking. I'm a complete control freak and find it very hard to surrender responsibility, so rather than "supervise", I have to leave the room and do something else and let him get on with it. One lady I met recently with 5 children said that the best piece of advice someone gave her was to "allow" her dh to do the jobs for the kids even if she could do them twice as quick. She said she often comes home to find the place in a tip (not surprising with 5 kids) but the kids are happy and fed but it means she can get away sometimes and know he can cope in his own way. My dh hates being "told" what to do, but after a while, he found his own way and it we seem to achieve the same result. I don't expect him to get up in the night as he goes to work the next day, but I do ask him to do other things if he is seeing what he can get away with (!!)

I think motherhood can be extremely boring sometimes - I often find myself wandering round Tesco at about 3pm, just wanting to get out - buying a couple of items and it taking me about an hour. Even meeting up with the same people week in and out can feel like a drudge, but at least we're all in it together,

Oh, and Mumsnet is a lifesaver - I'm an addict.
Good luck and keep posting.

[2boysmacca]

My DS1 never slept during the day unless I was holding him. He was fine at night but those daytime naps were just hellish, especially when I was pg with DS2. I just used to take him to bed and hold him until he fell asleep then either catch a few zz's myself or carefully unhook him. Used the same routine with DS2 but he is a dream and sleep in his cot morning noon and night. The moral of the story, some babies do sleep in the day, some don't!

Totally sympathise with you. We moved to a new area when DS1 was 18 months, fell pregnant with DS2 (now 9 months) within a month of being in new house. Dh has a 2 hour commute so is out the house at 6.15 and not back 'til 8 - by which time boys are in bed and I'm in a heap on the sofa. The days are long and tough but you will get through it. I often feel like packing it all in and going back to work as a SAHM is pretty thankless at times. You will crack it though,but maybe not in the convential way.

[LittleMy34]

Hi there,

I know exactly how you feel, my DS wouldn't sleep more than 45mns at a time and it drove me slowly mad, my only way to cope was to give him lots of little naps. all the books said he should be awake for two to three hours at a time at that age, but i found that getting him to bed BEFORE he was tired worked like a charm, which meant he was only up for an hour and a half max at a time. He still only slept for 45 minutes, but he went down easily and wasn't overtired by the end of the day.` The minute I saw a yawn, or a rubbing of the eyes, off to bed he went. He's now 7.5 months old and sleeps really well at night and has an hour nap in the morning and a 1.5 to 2 hour nap in the afternoon, so they do settle down, honestly. The other thing that helped with him was his blanket bunny, I slept with it a few nights so it smelled of me and then gave it to him every nap time, and now he loves it and puts his thumb in and his bunny over his face and goes to sleep.

But even if this doesn't work, remember nothing lasts long at this age, next week your LO might suddenly sleep better. Take it a day at a time, and remember you're doing a fantastic job.

[NYciclesMummy]

Oh, also, is her room dark enough during the day? If not, maybe you could buy some blackout blinds and/ or that velcro tape stuff to make it darker.

[NYciclesMummy]

Sorry if I'm repeating (-haven't read the whole thread), but have you tried swaddling or a bouncy chair like the Fisher Price Kick 'n' Play? They can be great for helping sleep!

[stressbucket]

It all sounds so familiar! DD (now 3)was mostly ok with the morning nap but it was hellish getting her to sleep in the afternoon. Looking back it was obvious she was overtired and overstimulated and my attempts got increasingly desperate (and stimulating!). Interestingly we cracked it with music - the same CD of sleepy music she still has - and not trying so hard. Just give up in the afternoon - you have done your best to get her to sleep if you feed her, give her a cuddle and put her down. Give it 30 mins and then go out, try and have pleasant walk/some lunch and you may find she drops off (and stays asleep). Even now DD isn't great at napping but that early stage where I spent whole days trying was awful, and a million miles more difficult than looking after a baby who gives you a break. You are doing brilliantly - hang on in there!

[xmasstocking]

Jay - can't add much to what is on here already - I have a 20 week old DS and my husband works away Mon-Fri most weeks so I feel like a single parent most of the time.

Interestingly, DS's naps get worse as the day goes on (sounds similar to your DD) - he settles for his morning nap without any fussing, lunchtimes can go either way and by late afternoon, full-on screaming! I am guessing he is just getting over-tired by late afternoon so just grit my teeth and try and calm him down - he does usually fall asleep eventually. Like others, I do let him fall asleep in my arms for naps if he is being particularly grumpy and then transfer him to a beanbag in the lounge once asleep - I also wanted to distinguish between daytime and nighttime so I don't use the cot for naps.

Can I just add that swimming might help if you have a local pool? I take DS swimming after his mid-afternoon feed twice a week which he loves and these are the only days he falls asleep late afternoon without any fuss!!

Just keep perservering - I am certain you are doing a great job so stop beating yourself up about it.

[iandlsmum]

I understand exactly how you feel - my dd1 sounds v similar. I had a lot of trouble settling her to sleep in the day (but she slept well at night, although not quite as well as yours!). I ended up buying a Graco Swing and putting her in that because I couldn't bear to leave her crying. Looking back I think she didn't understand the difference between day and night sleep and I was determined not to make the same mistake with dd2 so with her I put her to sleep in her pram for the first 7 months in the day and her cot only at night. Now she is too big for the pram and is happy to sleep in the cot in the day as I leave the curtains open. I also left her to cry herself to sleep from the beginning.

The first few months at home are very hard. However, as they get older and you start doing more things it becomes so much more rewarding, so although that doesn't help you at the moment, it will get so much better.

DH works v long hours as well - try to make sure you get time on your own at the weekend - DH can take LO out for a walk in the pram for a sleep.

Best of luck, and it will get better xxx

[CantWaitForTheSnow]

Jay9, I'm so glad you posted this. For the last couple of days I have felt exactly the same. DH usually works 7.30pm - 7.30pm, and dd's day is 8am - 8pm, so although he is willing to help, unfortunately there's not much opportunity.

Like yours, dd often doesn't sleep during the day, and then gets really grumpy so I'm trying hard to get an 'after lunch nap' routine established. No success so far.

Yesterday I was so fed up I had to put her down in her cot after lunch, and after a while of going back to resettle her, when she still didn't go to sleep I eventually just shut the door and left her to wail. I felt so bad but I just had to be away from her for 1/2 hour .

The house is a mess, the dogs are getting a hard time, and I'm finding it hard to stay patient.

I go to playgroups 5 mornings a week just to get out of the house and speak to other adults. The days are still very long though, especially when it is so wet.

[Donkeyswife]

Jay9, you are NOT ALONE!! I am constantly knackered looking after my wonderful, gorgeous 7month old baby boy and although I love him more than anything in the world, i totally sympathise, empathise wtih waht you are going thru. Firstly I would suggest that you take your little one out for a walk in the day to send her off to sleep. My ds also will not sleep in the day at home, he needs fresh air to knock him out. In 7 months, he has only slept a handful fo times in the day at home.

Secondly, join a nct group (you don;t have to be a member to go to the tea meetings or surestart group in yoru area. My family are 200 miles away and i was so worried about being isolated,but honestly, I have never had such a busy social life as now, even if does revolve around babies, it gets me out of the house everyday. Also, there might be playgroups/drops ins at your local nursery/church hall.

Thirdly, if you can express breast milk then do so and get hubby to do the weekend night feeds. Or if you are formula feeding, then get him to do the weekend nightfeeds. I have done this from when ds was 3 weeks old and i would have gone insane without my friday and saturday nights off. Also hubby knows that if he doesn't do them, i'll be a grumpy cow all weekend, so better for him if he does.

Fourthly, It DOES get EASIER, honest. Within a couple of months your little one will be able to play by herself sitting up. But you might also wnat to try gettng a door bouncer, like a tipppitoes as our ds will bounce around happily in thsi for an hour which gives me a chance to do things like have an undisturbed cuppa, make phonecalls or chat on mumsnet!

Also, could you not arrange a night out with the other mums you meet up with? All the fellas coudl look after the babes whilst you girls go out, even if it is jsut to the local pub.

You're not only hon, don't beat yourself up about feeling knackered. If men did what we did things would be different, that's for sure. xx

[katyjo]

Jay9,
Put the stick away and stop giving yourself such a hard time.
You have moved to a new area and you have a new baby!
I find things really difficult some days, I don't mind looking after ds, I just hate the drudgery that goes with it, why do I have to do the cooking, cleaning, ironing, putting bins out, shopping etc etc just because I'm a SAHM.
I have always worked and you don't get the same credit for staying at home with your child.
I have just started back at work (1.5 days) and I can tell you working is so much easier than being at home but I want to be one to bring him up.
If I could have a cleaner my life would be perfect. You need a break it is exhausting being a Mum especially if you have little or no support (my hubby is away a lot and works long hours too)
I have a great deal of respect for single parents, I don't know how they do it!!
XXX

[LaCerbiatta]

HI Jay. Your story could be mine! Most of the time I didn't like being at home at all, but at the same time felt guilty for it. Dh helped a bit but not how I needed. He bathed dd and played with her, but he never understood that for all effects I had been at work all day, only a more distressing one! After we put dd to sleep I would go in the kitchen to do the washing up and make dinner and he would rest from his hard working day in front of the TV! I never felt so distant from him as in those times and we had endless arguments about it. He just never got it.... It only stopped when I went back to work when dd was 8 months. Things have been so much easier since then. My respect to SAHM! Working mum is the easy option!!

However, when they get older, like at dd age who's now 12months, everything is so much easier. They play by themselves a bit and walk from room to room on their own, keeping themselves entertained. Also, it's a great age for taking them to groups and swimming and singing. I really wish I could be working part time now so that I could do those things, unfortunately not an option for me.

As for the sleeping, my dd also would not nap during the day, but I could tell she needed it and she would a nightmare to look after because she was so tired! Eventually I gave in and let her sleep in my arms! She would sleep for a whole hour like that! I know it's against what all the books say and I felt really guilty for it, but looking back, I'm so glad I did it! They're only little for such a short time! and having them asleep on your arms or lying down holding them for a nap is the BEST thing in the world!

Sorry if there isn't much advice here, except that it will pass and it will get better. Make your dh look after dd for a couple of hours every weekend, you don't have to spend the whole 2 days together. Also, is there a cresce or a nursery that you can use for just half a day a week? The area where I live is covered by SureStart and they have a free cresce one or two mornings a week (I also don't have family around). It's great for mental sanity!

Good luck!

[domesticslobess]

Hi Jay9 I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling like this . Bringing up a baby such a hard thing, don't feel guilty that you're finding it difficult-most mothers do. I felt very simililiar with my ds, I kept telling myself I should be enjoying this but inwardly I was screaming.
The nights when your husband is around for the bedroom routine I would recommend getting out of the house-just opening the door and stepping out for a half hour walk without the paraphelnia of buggy etc I found incredibly liberating and it also means that your dh will have to get on with it and he will grow in confidence. I am a stroppy cow and I wanted to ensure that my partner did his fair share of nappy changing, getting up in night,bathing etc and luckily I've got a fab dp who was happy to do it-and I'm so glad I did. Lots of friends who are much nicer than me did the lionshare and the fathers ending up taking backseat..also they felt they couldn't leave their partners in sole charge of their babies as they worried their partners wouldn't know what to do.
Being at home with a young baby is one of the hardest things...make sure you get your regular breaks at the week-end. Also avoid mothers who make you feel inadequate..there's a lot of competitive mothering out there and it can make you feel very inadequate..try to seek out like minded people.

[EllieChocolateOrange]

Hi. This seems to be exactly my experience too! My dh worked long hours (a 2 hour commute each way for first 8 mths of baby's life!). I got quite depressed (looking back) and apparently some PND can start at about 4 mths (I guess the 'novelty' wears off and the hard days/ nights are starting to take their toll). I was desperate to work, but because of other health issues it was not realistic for me to do that. The desire to work in itself depressed me as I'd always envisaged being a SAHM. My hospital appointments were like a breath of fresh air - my Mum would come up, and I would get a trip into central London, whooopeee! I am so glad now that I stayed at home. I am enjoying everything much, much more now even though I cannot go out more than 3-4 x per week.

It is much easier (mentally) the older they get

• Now my ds is 1. He didn't sleep through till about 11 mths, and frequently woke 4 x per night before that. He sorted himself out though, can't say it was anything I did, one day he just did it.
  
• It is more fun to go to groups and things as he interacts a lot more
  
  Just hang on! It will definitely get better. If it doesn't and you are finding it harder to manage, get some help - there was a website mentioned for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy in the 'Feeling depressed' section of Mumsnet last night. Give yourself a bit of a break before moving onto no. 2 (if I were you) - I'd like to enjoy feeling 'normal' again for at least a year!

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[EllieHsMum]

Hey Jay9 I am feeling very much the same My daughter who is 6 months hasn't been the greatest of sleepers especially at night. We have tried all kinds of routines. Last night was one of the worst nights,(among one of many) she went to bed at 9pm. Woke at 11.15 then this continued every hour/hour & half until 5pm this morning. I told my hubby that I am going back to work as I am rubbish at this job & baby can go into a Nursery maybe this will help? I(we) waited so long for my bundle of joy that the feelings of guilt are over whelming. My hubby is very helpful & when he can comes home in time to help bath baby. He even when I am at my wits end will get up & try & settle baby. I've cried since I got up this morning, even on the phone to my mum.We live away from home so there is no support network. We have very few friends who could even help.Although Mumsnet is always a great venting tool. Hope things improve for you soon.

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[jay9]

Some great advice and understanding from you all - much appreciated. Woke up thinking I'd feel better today but had a bad afternoon yesterday and can't seem to put it behind me. DD is on some solids now - for a couple of meals (plus milk) which she needs but I'm having intermittant success with her taking them. Part of the problem is that she's tired roughly an hour before her feed as a rule so I start trying to get her to sleep and 45 mins later we're still trying and then at some point the crying with tiredness turns into crying with hunger and by then she's in such a state there's no getting anything other than milk down her. Funny thing is that most morning after her breakfast (between 7 and 8) I'll swaddle her back in her cot with her dummy and she'll go off to sleep again for about 45mins without a fight usually.....why can't she do this for other times of the day. I've tried to do it after her lunch (somewhere between 12 and 1.30)when I know she's tired but this has mixed success....doesn't make sense that she'll only do it in the morning.....the environment is exactly the same.

And I think I will check out some more groups in the area!

thanks all

[katelyle]

when my dd was a baby, my dp was working abroad a lot and I was on my own most weeks. I an one of the wierd minority who actually enjoyed being at home with a new born - but looking back I think there were two key reasons why I enjoyed it. One was something someone at work said before I left on 3 months maternity leave (never to return, but that's another story!) He said "never forget that looking after a baby's a job, just like any other job. Some bits are brilliant, some are complete cr*p, and some are just boring day to day maintainance stuff" I always thought of it as a job - I didn't have to like all of it, and crucially, it didn't make me a bad person or a bad mother if I hated bits of it, or wanted some time off. The other thing is a bit more controversial. I had come from a very structured, high powered demanding career to motherhood, and I absolutely loved having no routine. After 20 years of getting to the office on the dot of 8 "booted and suited" it was heaven to just drift through days following dd's lead. If she fell asleep on my lap, I just read a book until she woke up. And I reaaly don't think the hippyish lack of routine had any affect at all on sleeping through the night etc. Oh, and a third thing - sorry, I am going on, aren't I? - I think it's important to remember that babies are just little animals. They are really nearer kittens that humans, and they are just following their little animal instincts and needs. I found this thought really helped at those times when you find yourself thinking that they are not sleeping/not eating/throwning up on purpose to spite you!!
And it's for a very short time. Before you know it, she'll be 10 and you'll be worrying about sceondary schools, music exams and {whisper who dares} BOYS!